The Only Horse That Ever Hugged Back

A horse is a horse, of course, of course. But what is a horse to you? Just another four-legged creature, just another lifeform on the Earth, just another mindless animal to pull carts around at the Stock Show for your amusement? Or are they something more? A friend, a confident, a saint...?

Some people don't understand. He was my brother. He was my teacher. He was my friend who walked in when the rest of the world walked out. He's...gone.

He was just an animal, right?
Why should I care he was murdered?

One word will carry us through our darkest times: love.

It's hard to grasp the concept of loving an animal so dearly when that animal can't even share your home with you, can't snuggle close to you by the fire on cold winter nights. This is how it happened for me:

Many years ago, on a blistery cold night, he was sent to us. Yes, sent to us, like the storks bring children, he was sent to us by angels, carried softly on the moonbeams from the heavens. On this Easter morning, we witnessed a miracle, a miracle that had four crooked legs and a star atop his head. This was no ordinary miracle, no wolf in sheep's clothing. This was the stuff dreams are made of.

Take a trip back in time with me...

Thirteen years ago, I became afraid of something tangible, not simply the darkness or alligators under my bed. At the all knowing age of five, aimlessly wandering in the open pasture, I came across a rock. This rock looked like it was up to trouble, so I instinctively kicked it. Hey, that was fun, I want to kick it again. And again. As I taught that rock a lesson, a rowdy colt named Hoppy, the same colt born on Easter morning, was chasing a butterfly, being so intrigued as to why this tiny creature could fly so much faster than he could run. As I kicked my rock and he chased his butterfly, we ran into one another. I don't know if you've ever been run into by a bulldozer, but it hurts something awful. Naturally, I cried. Hard. My parents heard me and came running to my side. Dad bought me a Yoo Hoo, nothing a good ol' choclately drink can't fix. But ever since that day, no matter what I tried, I could never trust him like I wanted. The harmless run-in of two young children of the Earth in the warm summer breeze brought me to fear this creature. All because of one simple accident, I felt I may never forgive him.
Twelve years later, he would make me forgive him.
Twelve years later, although I had known him for my entire life, I finally met him.

Oh Hoppy, dear sweet Hoppy. He was one of the meanest stallions you'd ever meet. But as a gelding, there was no maiden more gentle. My mom always had a bond with him I envied, that I was always jealous of but could never grasp. I wanted to ride him, I wanted to enjoy his company so willingly and trustfully, yet I couldn't. Somewhere in me, I still couldn't forgive him for that butterfly-chasing-rock-kicking summer day. He always looked at me with doleful eyes, asking me with his being to sit with him and enjoy his company. Yet I still couldn't, I was frozen in my tracks with confusion and fear....

Twelve years later. Just me, him, and a soft spring breeze. I had finally begun to understand the horse that year, grasp their minds, their souls. They were no longer a terrifying beast, but a beautiful creature of Heaven. This day was nothing special, maybe the sun shone a little more brightly, the sky a little bluer, perhaps urging me into the inevitable. That day, for the first day in my entire life, I trusted him.

Forever and always, my mom will always say he was the only horse who ever hugged back. I wanted a hug that day...

My legs were shaking, my heart was pounding, my senses were on overload. What was the problem? He was a perfectly well trained creature, he had given me no trouble, I had no reason to be afraid. But I was. So I did menial tasks, like brush his mane or smooth his coat, so I didn't take the chance I wanted to. I had been stuck on the ground for 12 years. The ground is a boring place. I wanted to fly...

So on this perfectly normal day, I did something completely abnormal. I, a bit absent minded, just lightly hopped onto his back. There was no bit, no saddle, not even a halter on him. It was just me, him, and barn cats curiously staring at me with anxious eyes. Yet in this perfect situation, I was terrified. Still afraid of this gentle beast from that fateful day we ran into one another. It was both our faults, not just his, so why couldn't I forgive him?

Today was the day all would be forgiven.

He was being a perfect gentleman, standing statuesquely, so as not even his gentle breathing would throw me off balance. The moment of truth came quicker than I ever thought. With a small squeeze of my legs and a click of my tongue, this apparent angel in horse costume took off on his wings of glory. He guided me gently through the rolling clouds, the blue waters of the sky, the gentle breezes only heaven can bring. And all the while we never did more than walk in a circle in a 25' x 25' enclosure. Yet ask anyone on that day and they'll say they saw us ride into the sunset.

Our souls met that day, and I think I finally forgave him.

Oh the blissful feeling that I had that day is one to go into the history books. I had never slept easier than that night. What's to stop me from visiting Heaven with that angel again? Nothing. So I did. With knocking knees I hopped on him in a big arena, with no equipment outside of a halter and leadrope. Out here, there was more to go wrong. Although I forgave him, I still didn't trust him with every fiber of my body. But I made the choice that day to trust the untrustworthy with my life, and ever since I've never regretted it. Out here, Heaven was simply an understatement. We moved as a single celestial body, lightly floating across our carefree dreams. If I would begin to lose my balance, he would grab me tight and pull me back to him, saving me from the inevitable fall down to Earth. Together, we moved as a single soul, floating eternally until the dinnerbell rang only minutes later.

I finally got to know him, trust him, love him as he should be loved.

It's tragic really, how it can take you so long to love someone, yet it takes only minutes for that someone to be ripped away from you. If only I had know I would never see him again, see his dappled coat, his beautiful undying soul, I would have said I loved him. I never told him I loved him like I have with the others. I hope he can hear me in heaven. If only I had known, I would have trusted him sooner, gotten to know him earlier, and loved him all the more dearly. I wouldn't have let time slip out of my fingertips to lose him forever...

Some memories are never forgotten. Many good, many bad. One that I try and keep buried is the scream that is forever etched into my mind. A blood-curtling scream that only someone who has just lost their only son can have. It will always remain in my memories, it's sound preserved forever. We don't forget these things for a reason.

He was a free-spirit, not wanting to be confined to a silly pasture. An open gate, left that way by a careless hand? Freedom!

It was an easy escape, greener grass on the other side. Yet horses are interesting creatures: they'll take whatever means neccessary to get to the green grass, but panic once they're there, away from their herd, their comfort blanket.

In his aimless wanderings on the other side of the fence, there was no longer any butterflies for him to chase, any little girls to accidently bump into. There was only trouble. Somehow, someway, he got himself trapped, corned, between two panels of a stall. It's amazing he even got himself there when it's just wide enough for an average person. If you're like most people and animals, you don't enjoy being so tightly confined when you don't know how you got there. Hoppy certainly didn't. But he couldn't get himself out, he couldn't even save himself. There was no one to save him but God.

It's still not clear what killed him, the electric shock of faulty wiring or if it was a broken neck. Still, I'd like to think it was simply a helping hand from the angels that brought him to us bringing him back home, so he wouldn't have to hurt anymore.

In Hollywood movies, on a rainy day, nothing good usually happens. That day was a rainy day. Bitter cold and drenching rain. There was a fateful phone call, the scream that followed, and the longest car ride ever. I endlessly repeated in my mind, "He's just tired from being stuck and is laying down...he's just tired from being stuck and is laying down...", even though when he passed, the part of my body that had just grown to love him so dearly was felt left wanting. I knew he was no longer with us, but I didn't want to believe it. His spirit was no longer mine to selfishly want to embrace.

His lifeless body brought me to my knees. "He's just tired from being stuck and is laying down..." still repeating in my mind did nothing to ease the extreme sorrow I instantly felt when looking at his body. Everything to me froze. I saw my dad helplessly beating upon his chest, trying to revive him, bring him back from where he would never come back. I watched my mom lovingly stroke his head, his star, to wake him up from his eternal slumber. Nothing. I wanted to run to their sides, hold them, help them in their time of need, but I could only sit there, frozen in my own mortality, lost in this abysmal scene of blurred vision and hopelessness.

It was hard to function normally after experiencing something like that. It still is. The hardest part might be knowing that he could still be here, alive and well, if someone would have cared just a little more to check the gate latch behind them. But they were so wrapped up in their world that they forgot about everyone else. And thus, our angel returned to Heaven, no longer ours to want forever.

For my parents, it was like losing their son to a drunk driver, taken so quickly, so abruptly, too early to leave this mortal Earth.

The night he was born was cold, bitter numbing cold. The wind would howl and rage on, but in that barn, all was quiet. The horses were so intent upon watching this miracle of life unfold before them that they dare not breathe. The stall he was born in like a mid-summer day. At the time, I was so young I didn't know what was going on here, why this was happening, but something in me told me he was more special than any other horse. Even then I knew.

It took me twelve years to figure out what I knew that night, but I did. And now I could never share that with him again, I could never share my love and forgiveness, I could never fly through the clouds in the same way. I could never feel his power, his passion, his love, ever again. I could never see his soul through his sparkling eyes again. It's selfish to say these things, because we should be grateful that he was even chosen for us to begin with. We are eternally grateful for this angel that came to us by chance.

In the future, I will not remember how I felt on January 23rd or August 10th of any year, or of any celebration of some birthday. But I will always remember him. I will always remember the day he made me afraid of him, and the day he made me forgive him. I will always remember the day when I truly discovered why he was sent to us, and why he was taken away.

I still drink Yoo Hoo's, and every time it brings me back to that day so many years ago when he taught me how to be afraid. Yet when I remember that day, it's not with fear, but with love, because I know that's what he would have wanted.

Understanding of all my faults, forgiving of all my sins, he is my guardian angel. I can still here his whicker, his gentle call to greet, to embrace, to show love to those who gratefully knew him. Sometimes we meet in the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, in the carefree realm of dreams, and float together through the clouds. Yet they are just dreams, and what are dreams but hopeful visions into what we want to see, what we someday may see. Until I can meet him, I know he is waiting for me at the gates of Heaven, as beautiful as ever, ready to start an adventure to never end.


http://www.indigo.org/rainbowbridge_ver2.html