Grey

GREY.

The planet's surface was grey. That was about all there was to say.

That isn’t to say it was rocky and barren. It was actually quite lush with vegetation. Perhaps lush is the wrong word. The right word would probably be Grey. The trees were Grey, the grass was a slightly lighter shade of Grey and the bushes and shrubs that were dotted around were dark Grey with bright Grey berries.

Commander Scott had never imagined that he would ever use the word bright to describe a shade of Grey but you had to call it something to distinguish it from all the other Greys. And anyway, it was. Bright, that is. He turned his head and looked back the way he and his team had come.

Yup. All grey.

He turned to Tetsuo, his tall Asian-American second in command.

‘You’re sure about those readings are you, old boy?’ Scott asked in his loud, brash, English public school voice.

‘Yes Sir. Huge quantities of Bauriliam X Crystals just below the surface. If we keep heading this way we should arrive at a cave system that will allow us to see them for ourselves.’ He answered, his heavy Midwestern accent seeming out of place emanating from his Asian features.

‘Right. And those would be the huge green and purple crystals, yes?’ Scott asked Jones, the well built Irishman who was the ship’s engineer

‘That’s correct Sir.’ He confirmed.

‘So they should be fairly easy to spot, at least.’

Dekkard, the geologist took a step towards them. He was short and bald. He wore glasses. He was totally committed to his work. At school, he would have been the subject of merciless ridicule, were it not for his black belt in Tae Kwon Doe.

‘Actually, Baurilium X only glows purple when it’s interacting with the various gasses in the Shift drive. And it only turns green through prolonged exposure to electricity.’

‘So then, its natural state is…?’ Scott said expectantly, running a hand through his slightly greying, regulation length hair.

‘Oh, Grey sir. It’s an especially boring crystal really.’

‘Perhaps from your point of view Doctor, but to the haulage industry, it’s a very interesting crystal indeed. How much would you say the deposits here are worth Tet?’

‘Perhaps three million dollars sir.’

‘North was it?’

*************************************************

The Mountain range was Grey. The hill they were currently climbing was covered in a thick verdant forest. It was Grey. Animals leapt between the trees and scuttled along in the undergrowth, which was Grey. Like the animals.

‘I can’t take this much longer.’ Jones said. ‘It’s starting to give me a headache.’

‘I know what you mean.’ Tetsuo replied. ‘It’s not like it’s just a flat uniform grey. At least you can distinguish between things. But it’s just so…’

‘Dull?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I don’t know.’ Dekkard put in. ‘I quite like it. Reminds me of all those old 2D Black and White movies. You know, like Casablanca.’

‘What?’ asked Jones.

‘Casablanca? Don’t tell me you haven’t seen it! It’s a classic.’

‘Yeah but its 2D. What’s the point?’ Jones asked. Dekkard was horrified.

‘It’s art, dear boy! That is the point!’

‘I saw a 2D movie once.’ Tetsuo said. ‘It was called Commando I think.’

‘Ah yes, a true classic of the action Genre, Schwarzenegger at his finest. An analogy for man’s eternal struggle with his basest instincts.’

‘Doesn’t sound like the same one. This just had lots of explosions and guns.’

‘That’s the one. You just have to learn to read between the lines old fellow.’

They walked on through the Grey in silence for a while. Eventually Scott stopped and pointed.

‘I think it must be in there Tet, what do you think?’

‘Where sir?’

‘That cave, over there, by the tree.’

‘Which tree?’

‘The grey one.’ Scott paused. He looked around himself, at the Grey sky and the Grey Mountain and the Grey flora and fauna. He sighed. ‘I’ll lead the way shall I?’

They set off and after a couple of minutes Tet spoke.

‘Oh, that tree.’

*************************************************

At least in the caves, thought Scott, you expected Grey. Grey was most certainly a rocky colour. All rocks had a certain Greyness about them.

The problem was, he reflected, that they also had oranges and browns and sometimes strata of different coloured crystal. You just tended not to notice, what with green grass, blue skies etc.

These rocks did have Strata, strata that glowed brightly in the dark making torches redundant. The thing was…they glowed grey.

Dekkard was examining them closely.
‘Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating! I would never have imagined it possible.’

‘What’s up doc?’ asked Tetsuo. The doctor pointed at a slightly lighter Grey rock that ran through the walls and sparkled Grey.

‘Do you see this, my boy? If my readings are correct, this is gold!’ The crew gathered around the patch of rock the doc was pointing at and studied it carefully.

‘I don’t want to contradict you Doc,’ Said Jones, ‘I’m only an engineer and not a geologist after all, but it occurs to me…’

‘Yes?’ Dekkard asked.

‘It occurs to me that a major feature of gold, well THE major feature really, is that it tends to be…well…’

‘Gold?’ Scott asked.

‘Precisely.’ Jones said.

‘Well why not Grey?’ asked Doc. ‘Everything else here is Grey. Perhaps on Grey, the gold is, in fact…’

‘Grey?’ Scott finished.

‘Indeed.’ Agreed Doc.

‘Hey, Captain?’ Tetsuo called from further down the tunnel.

‘Yes? What now? Have you found something else that’s Grey?’

‘Well, yes, but…I think it’s trying not to be.’ The crew were intrigued and went to join Tetsuo further along the corridor. On the wall beside the man were a series of crude paintings.

‘Jesus.’ Scott said, taking his pulse pistol from his pocket, ‘intelligent life.’ Intelligent life was the bane of a ship captain’s existence. It inevitably felt wronged by a man who was just trying to earn a living. Like those quadrupeds on Scott 68C (named before Scott got bored of naming planets after himself. Quite a long time before.). Just because he had torn down the temple to get at the crystals beneath, they had treated him like an invader. He’d had to liquefy two of them before they’d go away. They just wouldn't accept that religion was an outmoded concept, even when Scott had tried to explain the advantages of a free market economy.

‘Yeah, but look at the painting.’ Tetsuo interrupted the captains thought process. When Scott looked he immediately saw what Tet meant. On the corner of what looked like a painting of some sort of temple, an almost completely faded line was visible. It wasn’t Grey.

‘Is that…red?’ asked Jones.

‘I think so. It’s like a rusty red.’ Said Tet. Scott turned away from the picture and began looking nervously around.

‘But where would they get red? There isn’t any here. Anywhere. I’ve noticed in fact, that this planets main distinguishing feature is its overall Greyness. No red in sight anywhere.’ Said Jones.

‘Well, nowhere we’ve seen anyway.’ Said Doc. ‘Perhaps there is some plant that lives in these caves that makes a beautiful rusty shade of red.’

‘But then why only do a little dot of it?’ asked Jones. ‘You’d think they’d want to use loads of it.’ They all stared at the little mystery. Scott turned around.

‘It’s not a plant.’

‘We can’t be certain of that captain.’ Said Dekkard studying the picture closely.

‘It’s Blood.’ Scott said.

They all turned. Lying on the floor a few feet away was a dead man. He had begun to rot away, his white skull clearly visible through the strands of blonde hair. But his uniform was unmistakable. It was an earlier version to be sure, and the grey maggots had had a go at it and there were large areas missing entirely as if they had been cut out, but it was still unmistakable. It was the same as the one they all wore. The Earth Mining Corp uniform.

‘Let’s get going, get those crystals and get off this godforsaken place.’ Scott said.

But Tet was, again the noticed something else.

‘Look! Up ahead. It’s not Grey. It’s green!’ he said. And it was. The whole passage was glowing very faintly and the glow was emanating from behind a corner, beyond which the scanner said the Crystals were located.

‘I thought you said they were Grey until Electrically charged Doc?’ said Scott.

‘Yes…I don’t understand it.’

The crew crept around the corner. The passage opened up into a huge cavern, as big as a cathedral, and in the centre, suspended by wires between a stalagmite and a stalactite was the hugest Baurilium X crystal that Scott had ever seen. His mouth began to water instantly, as it always did in the presence of a huge profit.

Unusually, the others were not concerned with the crystal. It was the thousands of tiny figures that ran around the floor in front of it which held their attention. They were no more than six inches high, very humanlike and every one of them was Grey. It reminded Scott of a Tax inspector’s convention and instantly all the saliva in his mouth disappeared and he began to sweat.

Although the Taxmen were Grey they all wore shorts and tunics made from brightly coloured materials. Reds and greens and blacks mainly. The colours of the corps uniform.

‘What do we do?’ whispered Tet.

‘What we always do in these situations.’ Scott replied. So saying he stepped into the room, fired his gun in the air and roared at the assembled midgets.

‘Puny Mortals! Behold your God from the Sky who shoots lightening from his fingers! I demand that you fall to your knees, worship me and give up all current and future rights to any valuable material found on your planet to the Earth Mining Corp in perpetuity!’ All the little men instantly dropped to their knees. Scott was pleased. Although this was the approach that the Corp suggested when meeting lesser life forms, it had a tendency to go awry. It actually appeared to be working this time.

Then the little men all stood back up. Except now, they all brandished tiny knives and axes. A high pitched squeaking emanated from them, and they charged.

Scott ran past his crew very quickly. He hadn’t chosen them because he liked their looks. They took one look at the situation, weighed the factors and promptly chose the correct course of action.

They legged it.


The heavy machine trundled through the forest crushing anything in its path. Scott noted with interest that the small animals left dead in its wake bled grey.

The robot arrived at the entrance to the cave and reported that it required new instructions. From about five-hundred meters behind it, Scott ordered it to advance into the cave, tear the Barilium X from its pedestal and come back. It trundled into the cave.

Two hours later it came back. Or at least most of it did. The outer casing was gone leaving the wires and circuit boards exposed. Tiny little scratches covered it from top to bottom. But it had the crystal grasped in its one remaining claw.

Scott grinned.

‘Well lads, another successful mission. Let’s get off.’ They all piled into the craft with the robot behind them.

‘What about the planet captain?’ asked Dekkard. ‘Are you claiming it?’

‘Yes I am,’ grinned Scott malevolently ‘I am claiming it for the people of Earth, and my first order as its ruler is to condemn it. Computer, prepare the demolition beam.’ He said.

‘Excellent move sir.’ Said Tet.

‘Thank you.’


The cannons fired from space with deafening noise. Well, they would have been deafening if noise travelled in space, but it doesn’t so they weren’t. But they certainly looked deafening. The planet below exploded with a glorious ring of Grey fire.

‘And Good Riddance.’ Said Scott. The crew all agreed and it was the general feeling that they had put the planet and everything on it, out of its misery. Who would want to live on a hellhole like that anyway? They’d done the universe a favour, avenged fallen comrades and made a bit of money (alright LOADS of money) in the progress. Result!

In the robot at the back of the ship the little Grey men couldn’t agree more. Since they had seen the colours that the first visitors to their planet had brought, the whole civilization had decided to leave Grey.

Their early attempts at creating an interstellar drive had been less than satisfactory. Although they had an abundance of Baurilium crystals, the pre-requisite for faster than light travel, their natural tendency to get bored and wander off to kill something had ruined any long term development plans. So when the new humans had arrived, with their shiny, working spaceship they had decided against killing them all, as was their custom. They had reasoned that, once away from that shithole, the killing could continue as normal.

So now, as they climbed out from their hiding places in the shell of the robot, they reflected on the success of their plan. They began to charge their tiny cellular disruptors using the robot's battery and began to climb out of their period costume and into their Grey Lycra work suits. All in all, the little men agreed with the Crew. It had all turned out very successfully indeed.

THE END.