Weekend Awakening

The weekend was over too fast.

I only got a glimpse of something totally new. I wasn’t sure what it was, but from the search I had been on for love this was close to it. It was easy. It didn’t require trying to convince myself to feel a certain way. It was just there waiting for me. I walked into something and it held me tight. The way her hand held mine. My heart was overwhelmed with excitement, but also pain because she had to leave. We are too young, and she lives more then a hundred miles away. I’m only sixteen and she’s only seventeen. This doesn’t happen when you are this young. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to work. You get all of your “fun” out, and then you settle down with someone that you can be with for the rest of your life, everyone knows that. So what is this? Why am I crying? Why am I hurt? She was only here for a few days. Why do I feel her heart so close to mine? We didn’t take the necessary steps. This is serious, really serious. This is not how it works.

I have a girlfriend that I care about very much, why doesn’t that matter now? And she is dating someone, why am I so sure she is going to give him up? Why would holding hands mean more then all of the times that I have spent kissing and holding my girlfriend? I feel like I’m cheating, but how can I explain it? I didn’t ask to hold her hand we just did. It was like we both knew this was supposed to be. I stayed away as much as I could. I did the right thing to back away because I could have easily held her in my arms. I wanted her in my arms, but I knew what the right thing to do was. I will do the right thing. It isn’t fair for me to stay with my girlfriend when I don’t feel the same way. It’s time to move on. I don’t have much choice.

I found a different kind of beauty, and I’m not talking outer beauty, she has that too, but it’s something that I see inside her that is so great. Great for me, great in helping me to be me, we know each other intimately without needing the physical intimacy. How do you explain that? We have made love, but not with sex. We were in each other’s deepest hidden place. I’m not sure how I got there and I know she was surprised to find me there. I feel her now, but she is miles away. I don’t have any interest in looking for something else – this is it. But it can’t be we are too young. This is not how it works. Take it slow, you don’t want to get hurt. But I can’t avoid being hurt. I’m hurting now and she isn’t even here. I’m already close. We are already close, but I didn’t do it. It was already in place before I even came in the picture, that doesn’t make sense. I don’t believe in that. Love doesn’t choose you. You choose love. What is going on with me?

Did God do this? I have always been close to Him, and He has helped me find myself, but I didn’t think He would provide the person for me. He doesn’t do that, Does He? I am still searching so how am I as sure about God as I am about her. This is too weird. I walked into her the way I walked into myself. I found who I was by questioning God and searching for Him. I did the same thing with her. I questioned the relationship I had with my girlfriend and bam there she was. How did that happen? Somehow I know He had something to do with this, but why would He do it this soon. He is breaking the rules. I wanted to find love, but I didn’t mean now. I meant when I was ready. Am I ready? Everyone else tells me that I’m not. I’m not sure she believes she is ready. Can this really work? I want more then anything to find out.

I will have to write her. I will have to say that I want to date her. I must keep it simple. I can’t let her know how crazy I am about her. I am sure it will scare her away. I’m scared and I want this. This can work, but I must go slowly. I see inside who she is and she is fragile. She doesn’t trust, and I know why. I don’t understand it, but I know its there. I can’t hide; she will know that I’m hiding. I know she is going to hide, but she can’t hide. She will run if she knows that. She thinks its impossible to love her, but I know that its not. I can’t say I love her yet, but I know that it’s possible. This can work. This is how it works.