Bannish Golf

I SAY BANISH GOLF FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. Yes golf is just another of those four letter swear words in my books. This “game” destroys its victims with calculated accuracy and brings out the worst in human behaviour. The inventors must have been cruel, malicious, vicious, sadistic cold-hearted mongrels, OR MAYBE THEY WERE JUST INSANE!

“Hey lets see if we can hit this small ball 300 yards with a stick.”
“Yeh…Oh and see if you can hit it past all those trees, shrubs, sand traps and water hazards.”
WHACK.
“Ohh, mine went into that little hole.”
“Cool!”

Like all bad things, it’s also addictive. Is it a surprise then that golf evolved into surrounding yourself with a myriad of human time bombs attempting the same feat. Golf is quite possibly the root of all-evil.

Not convinced that this game is a stain that needs scrubbing. Let me take you on a little journey around a golf course.

The Lure
You drive by a beautiful open fairway with a lush putting green; one or two smiling players walk along sharing a laugh to complete the tranquil scene.

The Reality
Unfortunately, simply driving past a golf course fails to reveal the true picture. Pulling over you discover the true nature of golf. The two players walking along sharing a laugh seemed innocent enough, however, a closer inspection reveals one of several scenarios.

Scenario one: The two players are laughing at a third player in their group who is wandering dejectedly through a nearby copse of trees; searching in a futile attempt to find the ball that they think they may have hit in there.

Scenario two: only one of the golfers is actually laughing; laughing at their playing partners’ wretched shot which soared straight into a tree and ricocheted onto the adjacent fairway, into a sand trap, into a water hazard or completely off the golf course and onto the road you were driving along.

Scenario three: neither golfer is actually laughing, you merely mistook the agonised wails of two tortured souls trying desperately to console each other, as laughter.

The Clubhouse
In the clubhouse you are scrutinized to see if you meet the required dress code. I’ll leave out the details; you can be assured that the best course in your area will expect you to dress like a clown and pay a premium for the privilege.

The Tee
You often have the pleasure of waiting for several groups of players lined up to tee off before you. THE CORRUPTION STARTS HERE. This is the first opportunity that golf offers for you to lower your standards.

Watching others tee off can be a bit like funniest home videos. Trying not to get caught laughing is a like having the giggles in school and trying not to get busted.

When you finally get your chance, you realise how this wicked game can turn on you.
That’s right, now you are the nervous wreck that is attempting to keep your pride.

Assuming that you actually manage to make contact between club and ball (certainly no lay-down-messier) you discover that golf is not the social game you anticipated. In your group of three, one of you will usually manage to hit the ball in the general direction of the hole and remain on the fairway. A second player will slice the ball, sending it into any number of nasty hazards down the right hand side of the fairway. The third player is left with no alternative other than to hook their ball, which will take their ball into similarly challenging obstacles along the left hand side of the fairway.

The Water Hazards
Water hazards have only one common factor. They call to your ball at a pitch too high for human ears. Unfortunately, your ball always answers the call.

The Fairways
You soon realise that the open fairway you observed from the road was an anomaly amongst a series of rolling fairways that dip, twist, fold and roll.

Standing at the bottom of some fairways makes you check your bag for the climbing equipment. Naturally, once at the top, the fairways that lead down are littered with trees, sand traps and waterholes; all designed to prevent an easy descent. (Fairways are long wide areas of open space yet surprisingly difficult to land a ball on).

Your Playing Partners
Halfway through the course you have worked out a series of hand signals to communicate with your playing partners (on the rare occasions you see them). Unfortunately most of these signals tend to be of an offensive nature as a response to their critique of your skills.

The Bushes
Having substantially weakened your physical strength, you begin to lose all sense of reason as you try desperately to finish the course and end the nightmare. AT THIS POINT ETHICS DESERT YOU. Once again you fight your way through an area of densely packed branches in an attempt to locate your ball. Of course this has become surprisingly easy since you learnt to keep a spare in your pocket.

Having found a nice spot to place your fourteenth ball of the day, you are hit by inspiration (or possibly delusions). You crouch down behind the ball and convince yourself that you can do this. You believe in your ability to guide this tiny ball through a narrow gap in the bushes. The gap can range anywhere from the size of your head to the size of your entire body (truly, this is a situation where size doesn’t matter.) In your mind this seems like a pretty good opportunity, but aren’t we forgetting something. That’s right, the reason you have found yourself in the bushes was your inability to hit the ball onto the fairway; the fairway that is somewhere between 30 TO 40 YARDS WIDE. Oh, but that gap looks big enough.

The Desperation
Several shots and a few choice words later you look anxiously about for any of your playing partners. With no one in sight, you pick up the ball and hurl it through the gap while hitting your club against a nearby branch to simulate the sound of club on ball. For bit of extra conviction you might also call out OHHH SHOT! (You should have no trouble saying this with much practiced conviction; you have probably been shouting something spelt similarly all day).

The Sand traps
The ball makes pretty patterns in the sand as it rolls back to your feet. (I don’t want to talk about it).

The Green
You’ve been to minigolf right. Just take away the windmill and add a whole lot more grass.

The 19th Hole
A place where sorrows are drowned; bad shots played are remodelled and good shots are relived. This is the place where golf infects your heart and gains a stranglehold on your life. It is the 19th hole that twists the experience in such a way that you know you will return. It only takes one good shot out of the hundred you play to bring you back.


I’m exhausted, spent and pleading. Golf has had me in its’ grip for over two decades. Please BAN GOLF NOW so that I can rest assured that my children won’t fall victim to its’ cruelties.