You were my world

To scream so loud and for nobody to hear you. To cry so hard and for nobody to care. To feel pain so bad it tears you apart in side.
With his hands around her neck, clasping so tight, he was chocking her. Calling her name in a cold hushed voice.
“Susan, Susan”. But that was how he wanted it. He wanted to see the colour drain from her face; she looked pale, drained, distraught. She wanted to scream but it wouldn’t come out. As her legs could take no more he holds her with one hand. He wanted to see the blood and feel the blood, warm, tricking down her inner thigh.
As he did up his trousers casually, without a care in the world he smiled. A cruel disturbing smile. He left her there, in a heap on the floor. Humiliated, beaten and raped.
Darkness all around, the sound of distant voices drawing nearer, surely somebody would help her. But no that’s not how she wanted it. The tables had turned, she was now in control of the situation, well the after math anyway and nobody can put up with the gossip, the looks, the examination and the court case, if ever he was found. All of these thoughts flashed through her mind in a spilt second, like thunder destroying her world. No. This would be something she was to keep to herself.

* * * * * * * * *

I remember it like it was yesterday. Pain shot through me like a knife being slowly twisted in its victim. I was only sixteen. How could you have done that to me? Its time, I want answers; I refuse to live in your shadow for another day, another sleepless night. You knew my name. Imagine that, always wandering when I hear my named called. But now I know. I was young, naïve, and innocent and there you were, standing there, lurking there. I suppose your twisted mind led you to believe that this would be a treat for me; I remember your twisted smile afterwards. Help you clear your conscience did it, in some evil, perverted, and twisted way.
It was the summer of 1969 and I met this gorgeous young man, tall, handsome, and very well presented. He was called Dave; we met whilst walking in the park. It was a beautiful day with the sun shining and the birds singing, he caught my eye and from then on it was like a fixation. He picked me up and swept me off my feet. Many nights we would go back to the park, to our meeting place, to watch the stars twinkle in the night sky. With your eyes so warm we would exchange childhood stories, you would tell me of the days when your dad took you to play football and I would talk of the days when my mother and I worked in the local men’s working club. Out deepest thoughts and feelings for each other, that we once held so dearly are buried where they died, the place where you held me because you told me that you loved me, the park.
Dave and I were married the next Christmas day, who would of thought it? Me getting married. It was the most perfect day a girl could dream of. So romantic, especially when the doves flew above. There I was in my beautiful dress, red as a rose you said. Dave said I looked stunning and he did not look to bad himself, stood there in his suit. He let me have my dream-wedding day, dreamt of since I was a child. I used to spend hours drawing my wedding dress and boring my mother with my fantasies. But Dave allowed me to have my day. He made it special, and it was all to become clear why!
We lived in absolute martial bliss. I went out with my friends only to hear their stories of how husbands were useless. My friends, they seemed to envy me, to want my life. If only I could have had theirs.
Why did you spoil it all? Then I suppose it was spoiled from the beginning. You came home that night and had evidently had a bit to drink. So I left you alone, to sober up the way in which my mother used to leave father to sober up and collapse on the sofa. Only mother never got what I got. You weren’t happy were you? You came at me all playful, no guesses as to what you were after. I was tired, from a stressful day. I wasn’t in the mood. Why couldn’t you understand that? The first blow came when I turned my back on you, straight through my back and with that I fell to the floor where you hit me again. Always where it wouldn’t show. There you were ripping my clothes off like you had done it before. But I still didn’t catch on. I still didn’t know. Shamelessly trying to crawl away you stopped me dead in my tracks called my name.
“Susan, Susan” and I knew at once. I had only heard that tone once before. Along with your roughness and carelessness I realised, it was you. It had been you the first time all those years ago and it was you again. I covered myself up the best I could and ran, I ran like I had never done before, I don’t where the strength came from but I made it outside.
I collapsed in the street. Pulled my hair out in pure frustration, how could I have been so stupid? How could I have not known? Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of you, with your bags packed, you were leaving and so soon. Not so easily. Yes I punched you and I kicked you, I swore and shouted but you let me, not surprisingly, you deserved it. When you had left I smashed everything up, trying to break things we once shared. All of your clothes and the belongings you so foolishly left behind I threw in the garden and set them alight. Not that you would need them where you were going. I was on the edge no amount of anti-depressants helped me. None of them pulled me from the pain I was feeling.
The revelations were hard to cope with. The way you followed me when I was only sixteen? Because you claimed to have loved me. That night I had been with my friends and I wanted my night to end with my friends, only on a wander to the shop you pulled me in and beat me.
The room you kept with a lock on the door, I opened it when you left. It was sickening, I tore them from the walls the memories of me with my family were suppose to be that of happy ones, you had them plastered all over your walls. To stalk one is a criminal offence on its own. Well now your doing your time behind a secure door, a different lock, alone without the photographs.
A while later I was stronger, you turned yourself in and I had to testify against Dave the man I loved. All those nights under the stars and our wedding day had all been to ease your guilt. Did you ever love me? Yes you replied. But it wasn’t love was it? How could it have been? What we had was based on lies. No more. You were on your way down. You had stalked, raped and had beaten me, well no more. Because where you are all you have is your nightmares to torment you. To you it was cool and calculated. To me Dave was my world, you were my world. But you are not Dave are you? You are a lie, so may Dave rest in peace. Put the past to lie and I hope you rot in hell.

Catherine Taylor.