Reflections in the view

Within the icy still blue gaze of the nearby pond, I find myself once again searching for a piece of the person that I was many years ago. Things have changed so much in the last decade. I moved without care from my wild youth to motherhood, and within that time assumed that I had sprouted a new and more curious person. However, that person was quickly lost behind the title of "mom".
This of course was not an entirely bad option considering the power and love placed behind the inflection of that single word. Still, I found myself felling slightly empty and yearning for some form of destiny for my future.
How can one person with a love for so many things in the world be expected to make one solid solitary decision as to "what I want to be when I grow up". What do I want to be? I want to be everything. I want to do everything. There has not be one day that has gone by where I do not think about this question.
Thirty four and still child-like with my future. I would love to write, sing, learn art, tour the world, make a nice home to come to; the list seems endless at times.
I toss a small twig into the cold water. Ripples appear on the surface and move in all directions. That's it! That is me. I am all those ripples. Better yet- I am the water. My life is the water, and some bored God has decided to throw a twig into it causing me to explode in every direction. It would not matter if I were 64, I believe the outcome would be the same. The Chaos Theory - I am the Chaos Theory.
Someone up above is getting a kick out of this. I'm sure they are sitting there in their lack of care in the Summerland watching us less aware run around like mice stuck in a maze. We know there is cheese at the end. We can smell it. If only we did not have to keep banging into the walls to find it, then life would be simple.
What a horrible thought! Life would be boring without obstacles. I mean, really, the base of our being is built upon those obstacles that challenge us each day. Which once again takes me back to where I am today.
I will have to face the stark truth of the matter. I am a rambler. Yes, that is it. I have finally admitted it. I ramble on. Whether it be in my writing or just thoughts in my head, I ramble. What finally tipped me off? It was the post-it notes. Every thought that comes to mind ends up on one of those little yellow sheets.
My desk is covered in them. The refrigerator is smothered in children's drawings also being held up by yet more notes. Let's not even go over the new yellow post-it wallpaper that has evolved in my office. They seemed so innocent and happy with their sunshine brightness. Now, they - my thoughts - have invaded my world. This is probably the primary reason for my longing to sit by the pond.
I sit to try to clear my head or rationalize the events that have brought me to my current situation. I am sure that the underlying issue was birthed from my view of the world around me. In my view point, I see everything set in its perfect life. The trees grow majestic into the sky. The grass continues to sprout up strong and green in spite of trampling of feet and being shredded every 2 weeks. The birds fly in their beautifully orchestrated formations in perfect unity. The clouds aimlessly float on the breeze being carried away to exotic locations.
Even in watching to people, their lives seem to flow flawlessly from day to day. It appears that their lives are perfectly conformed into the movement of the world. I remember feeling as if my existence ran so smoothly - almost as smooth as the shiny top of the peaceful pond.
In trying to create such a seamless life appearance for my family, I have managed to lose aspects of this same illusion in my own participation of life. Leaving me feeling as if I have been thrown off the train and merely standing in the middle of nowhere waiting for the next connection to come by.
Well, there comes the sunrise. Time for one more quick cup of coffee. The children will be up soon. All of them just wanting their few moments with mom before we all head off in our opposite directions.