Last Words - Work in Progress

“Hey, baby. I hope you’re not still mad at me. I didn’t mean to forget our anniversary, I really didn’t. It’s just a day. I know it means a lot to you, and I’ll remember next year. I love you. See you tomorrow. Try not to be mad okay? Love you. ‘Bye.”

I replayed his message over and over for hours at a time some days. I felt so guilty. I should have just answered the phone and not been so stubborn. It was just an anniversary, right?

“Jessica? Are you okay?” Lisa’s voice sounded muffled through my daze.

“Huh? Oh yeah, I’m fine.” I could tell my voice seemed distant, and I hoped Lisa wouldn't pick up on it.

“You’re lying. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You’ve been acting strange for a week. There’s something going on, and I demand to know what it is! I’m supposed to be your best friend. You can talk to me about anything.” She was demanding and stubborn, but at least I knew she cared, even if I wasn't willing to admit it.

“Do you know what tomorrow is?”

“Thursday?”

“Yeah,” I spoke distantly, and a look of confusion spread across Lisa’s face. “It’s more than that. Tomorrow marks one year.”

“One year?”

“One year since the accident.” I couldn't believe she really didn't know.

“Oh, Jessi! I’m so sorry.”

“No. Don’t say that, okay?” my voice was full of anger, not at Lisa, but at myself.

“Are you still blaming yourself?”

“Of course I am! It’s my fault!”

“No it’s not! You know it’s not your fault, sweetie.” Lisa was angry, but sincere.

“He was trying to make up for it. He was trying to make it better because I yelled at him. The last thing I said to him...”

***

“How could you forget?! You must not love me. Oh my god! You don’t love me. I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me!”

“Jessi. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to forget. It’s just that everyday is worth celebrating, and I don’t think about how long we’ve had together, I only think of how much longer we can have.”

“I hate you.”

Jessica stormed off tears streaming down her face.

“But I love you,” Brandon spoke softly as he watched her disappear.

***

“Jessica, you were mad. He hurt you. But he knew you didn’t mean what you said. He knew you loved him,” she spoke softly and with concern.

“But I told him I hated him. Those were the last words he ever heard me speak,” I managed to get out through sobs.

“But that message he left. He was still saying he loved you in that. He wasn’t mad at you.” Lisa let a slight smile cross her lips as she tried harder than ever to convince me it was all okay.

“That message makes it so much worse. He was so perfect. Even though I was a complete bitch, he still did all the right things.”

“But he didn’t hold it against you, and he wouldn’t want you to either.”

“I hate this. I hate talking about him in past tense.”

“Then talk about him like he is still here. Talk about him like this.”

“It won’t change the fact that he’s gone,” I half yelled, half cried.

“Jessi, I just thought of something. Your answering machine. The last thing he heard you say was your answering machine. It said you loved him and always would.” I looked sadly at her and a lone tear fell from my eye. “What’s wrong? What did I say?”

“I changed my message when I got home,” I faded off.

“What did it say?” Lisa asked worriedly.

“Well. Lisa, I was really mad. I didn’t mean what I said, honest.” I was crying heavily now.

“What did the message say, Jess?”

“Hey everyone, leave me a message, unless you’re name is Brandon, in which case I’m never talking to you again because I hate you.”

“He knew you didn’t mean it. Only truly loving him would make you so upset over that. He knew you loved him.”

“You didn’t see his face the night of the accident. You didn’t see the way he looked.”

"Jessi, don't think about those things. Don't think about it."

"How can you tell me not to think about him?"

"No, you should think about him, but think about the good times. Think about before the accident."

"It's hard, you know. It's really hard. I see his face when I close my eyes. I see it all bloody and disfigured. I see the terror. And then I see the pain. I can't do it anymore, Lisa. I just can't do it."

"Yes, you can. Don't give up. That's not what Brandon would have wanted."

"But Brandon's dead now. He doesn't want anything anymore. And it's all my fault."

"Jessi, you stop that. You stop it right now!"