Alone No More

I've felt empty; hollow for a long time. Something was missing in my soul for as long as I can remember. As a youth I fantasized about being someone else; anyone else. I am aware that to pretend to be someone is a common thing when young, but I took it to the extreme. I always felt different from my peers; somehow on the outside looking in. Even with several individuals professing to be friends, I was alone.

As the years went on, this affliction manifested itself in many ways. I had to do things perfectly, for, if I did, you would like me, and that affirmation was a necessity to me. And failing perfection, which was more often the case, I would tear myself apart inside, as I'm sure some of you can relate.

Then I discovered what I thought would certainly fill this abyss: money, property, and prestige. If I had the perfect wife, I'd finally be OK. But it didn't work. If I had the perfect job with the perfect income; now that must surely do the trick. Again, no. Maybe if I purchased a nice home in a great neighborhood I would feel complete. Or a beautiful car. Or maybe what I needed was more affirmations from women other than my wife. That doesn't even make sense, but in my yearning to be 'full', I tried every one of these things, and many more.

Nothing made me feel whole. Nothing filled that void in me. Not even my children. I found myself on the edge, selfishly wondering if I were better off not around; if the world was better off without me. For in my search to fill my
void, I had hurt everyone that cared for me.

At this moment of truth, when the darkness was closing in, I had a moment of clarity.
I fell to the floor and said, "I don't know who You are or what You are, but I cannot go on any longer." It was the first time that I had prayed in a humble way in my entire life. There had certainly been times when I had asked to get out of this or get out of that. But I had never humbly asked anyone or anything for help.

All at once I felt different. I felt a warmth inside me that I had never in my life acquired. Since that time I have embarked on a journey most wonderful. It is a journey of reflection; of squaring my past. Dealing with demons long since 'stuffed' from my consciousness, but never too far from the surface. I have experienced a soul change, and my view of the world and my part in it has been reformed.

If you have a void, one that does not seem to fill, I suggest you my want to try looking to the One who can help. If you feel at all close to how I did, it is at least worth a try. And if you came to scoff, may you remain to pray. I am alone no more.