My Villages' New years Eve

Every year in my sleepy new england town we indulge in a time honored, ancient New Years Eve ceremony. First, all the maidens of the village below the age of 14 are declared boys! Then mud is rubbed into their hair and they are made to suck the meat out of sausages, which are then tied around the town "sausage pole" and paraded through the square.

Yes - it is a bad night to be a dog in my little village. They are rounded up and shaved, then bells are attached to their scrotums and they are rolled in corn starch! all the children then chase them through the streets to the lake, where they are appropriately drowned.

At the dark of the moon the all the circumcised members of the community gather in a field at the edge of the forest to eat their traditional feast of Roast Goat rectums and Cottage Cheese. The three eldest villagers are then stripped naked and anointed with a mixture of olive oil and turpentine, then set ablaze. They run to the bonfire made from pine logs and asbestos tiles and light it with their bodies! Many a hearty laugh is given as they dance merrily about, smoking and shriveling in the jolly flames!

The new year begins, just as it ended: with a drunken bout of orgiastic violence and horseshoe throwing. The winning team gets to climb into a vat of sherry and bob for blood clots! They are carried in triumph to the center of the town square and dropped into the horse trough, whereupon everybody suddenly gets embarassed and wanders home muttering.

Many children are born nine months later, and a few more just three months after that!