Jitters

Tonight is the night!

I glance at the clock for the hundredth time, part frustrated, and part relieved that there was still at least twenty minutes before I should expect him. Giving up on the pretense of reading my book (I had re-read the same paragraph 3 times now, and still had no idea what it said), I made my way to the bathroom to triple check my appearance. I looked like....me. Only, with make-up. A slight smile played across my lips. Was I expecting to look different? Perhaps, I realized, I did. After years of forcing myself to be a good girl, minus, of course, my one doozy of an indiscretion, here I was about to go away for the weekend, with the express intent of engaging in intercourse without any type of commitment attached. Definitely not my normal behavior; and to top it off, this wasn't just any guy, this was someone I'd known for years, AND, my brother's best friend! No wonder I was expecting to look different - I still was unsure if I was really me, so out of character my actions were! My craziness must show somehow!

WHAT was I thinking?! I asked myself, as once again I glanced at the clock. There was still time to back out, I consoled myself. I don't have to do this. He'd understand. Shoot, he seemed nervous about the idea himself. Maybe it would be best to stop it now before it got out of hand. Picking up my phone to send the message to call it off, I froze.

I didn't want to call it off, not really. Yes, I was nervous. Yes, I was scared. I lost count of the number of questions that had been running through my head since we came to this decision, but when it came down to it, it was a step that I was not only willing to take, but a step I was wanting to take. My phone beeped in my hand, startling me so much, I almost dropped it. It was him, and the message confirmed what I thought. He was on his way.

Gathering up the remaining weekend supplies, I left my apartment, and made my way downstairs. Then, as I placed the items down, I said a silent prayer that it didn't turn out to be a disaster. I wondered briefly if it was a contradiction to be praying for such a thing, but didn't care at that point. I needed all the help I could get.

Not that I doubted him, but I certainly doubted me. What will he think when it was all said and done? Will he think it was just the absolute worst? Wow, my biggest hope was that I wouldn't be a total disappointment. Beyond that, well, I hoped if he did compare me to a rating system, that I would be more than a 1 or a 2 on a 1 to 10 scale, or at least as good as his others.

The sound of his vehicle brought me from my musings, and with butterflies in my stomach, I gathered up the weekend supplies once more.