Kill the Sun

*This piece includes excerpts from the song "Kill the Sun" by the former band Colorfinger (previously fronted by Art Alexakis of Everclear). It's based on a person I once knew, and enhanced by the lyrics.*

         "It's good to have a window on the world.
Look deep in the heart of the beast in the sun
Night after night, did the weirdness dance for those who can't
Getting to the point where I can't take it anymore."

         The sun blinked at me through the cracks in the closed blinds. I hated the sunlight. It poked at me in a little sibling sort of way, irritating my hang over. I threw my other arm lazily to my side, and let out a long groan. My hand had landed, disgustingly, in my own pile of last night's vomit. I wiped it off on the sheet I was laying carelessly on and rolled over onto my side. I opened my left eye very slowly, letting the rest of the room come into focus. A syringe lay in front of my eyes, making me think of the euphoric memories of last night...and most likely the night before that, but lately it's been getting hard to remember these things.
         Where was I anyway? I couldn't remember. Somewhere safe obviously. The room was small. I was alone. Naked and alone. I wondered curiously to myself how that had happened. Chick after chick, night after night, shot after shot, drug after drug. How did I live with myself? I don't. I don't live. Not since she left me. That's all it is now.

"Waking up at 3PM with a trashed bedroom full of needles and knives
Reached for the crutches that keep me in motion
Vague memories that keep me alive
Like when she used to call me baby"

         Drugs, girls, sleep, and the sun. The sobering sun. I hate the sun because it wakes me up. And I hate waking up because the daylight means reality. It means waking up to the life you can't remember half the time. I was hoping I'd overdose last night. That's a damn shame.

"All alone in my room
In the middle of the night
Kill the sun, yes kill the sun"

         What did I have to do now? I don't know. I can't remember things anymore... A knock at the door. I closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep. No one came in. I sighed, opening my eyes again. I was now adjusting to the light, even though the room was nearly dark. I stretched my body out, groaning. I was sore all over. What happened? I put my palms against the ground and slowly pushed myself up, a little at a time. My head was pounding.

"Kill the sun, come on, come on, stop the light.
Yes, I got sunshine,
it's a suicide song in the back of my mind,
pure white evil wrapped around my eyes. "

         Sitting up I came to realize the room around me. Trashed. Unusual ? No. Not exactly. It was a small room, nothing especially nice or noticeable about it. Just a room. A carpet I couldn't make out the color of, a chair in the corner, no bed, just some sheets thrown into the corner, and of course my vomit, needles, drugs, and the ever lasting will to die.

"Yeah, I've got all the cities of light to live in but I don't even want no part. Hard is the fall, cold is the bite."

         I wanted out of this mess. I wanted out of my useless life. I don't even know what to think anymore, what to do. Waking up is so useless. If there's a God up there, and I believe there is, then why does he keep making me wake up? What the fuck does he expect me to do? I'm wasting away. I'm dying already. Why am I still here? So I can do some more drugs? So I can hate myself all over again? What's wrong with this? Another knock. I screamed and threw the needle, now next to my hand at the door. It opened. I don't remember who was there. All I remember was sunlight that poured into the room. Bright, white sunlight. Pure white evil. It was nearly blinding. God, I hate the sun.

"Kill the sun, come on, stop the light. Kill the sun, kill the sun. Kill the sun, stop the light. Kill the sun, come on, kill the night. Kill the night."