I Hate Computers (& it's Mutual)

COMPUTERS REALLY ARE PERFECTABLE IF WE DEMAND IT!
by
Chris Henderson

I have a real problem with computers. I live in Gilroy, essentially a suburb of Silicon Valley; almost all of my friends and neighbors rely on something computer-related for their living, and I hate computers. I'm not a Luddite, not a flat-earther, and "hate" is too mild. I loathe, detest, abhor, and abominate computers. I'm an intelligent, educated adult, so I have reasons for what I do and feel. Yes, this was written on a computer, and it will be e-mailed for publication; yes, it's nice that the days of messy carbon copies and unreadable corrections are gone. BUT, it ain't great! I'm writing this in hopes of starting a revolution for improvement.

The problem I have with computers is that they just don't work like they're supposed to work. I have taken classes (get A+++++ in everything), read books, used tutorials, help buttons, wizards, office assistant icons, on-line help, and even harassed friends into helping me. I can't vouch for the other stuff, but my friends get paid lots of money because of their various skills with computers, including programming, so I have to believe that my friends know what they're talking about.

Now, say you have a toaster. You use this toaster daily, all day. It will hold four ordinary slices of bread at a time, says on the box and in the manual that it can also heat bagels, toast only one or two slices at a time (if you don't want four slices), make toast darker or lighter, warm without toasting, and toast one side only.

When you put something appropriate into the toaster, you expect to get back what you put in, plus it will have changed in the way you told the toaster to change it. What if every tenth time you put in four slices of white bread, set to regular toast (nothing special), and when it pops up, there's no toast? It's still just bread. Well, you push the proper buttons again, wait some more, and then, only three slices of untoasted bread come out. Not only did it not toast, one slice vanished. If you fiddle around maybe you can find the other piece, but it will be so mangled by the time you get it back you won't want it anymore, anyway. Plus, if you're hasty, you run the risk of electrocution.

What if every fifteenth time, all the bread burnt to ashes? And the toaster asks you if you want to continue running bread through the toaster, so it can make more ashes for you?

What if you set it for dark toast and it came out burnt in stripes, and when you tried to scrape the burnt stripes off, the whole piece vanished from your hand? How about if you set the toaster to four slices, regular toast, ordinary bread, and the toaster comes back and tells you it already made toast, you can't have more toast unless you call it something else? Then, when it starts working, the toaster asks if you want to add a fourth slice (since you only put three slices in) and when you say yes, and put the fourth slice in, the toaster just stops working? I mean, STOPS WORKING! No lights, no buttons, no dials, nothing moving. The bread is still down in there, it's not toast yet, but still, you can't get it out. You try pushing up on the lifting lever, you push at all the available spots on the toaster, you read the manual again, you call your friends, and the toaster seller, the manufacturer, the bread company, you even call the guy who ran the machine that extruded the wires in the toaster. Everything, everyone, tells you that's not what toasters do. No kidding! It's not what they're supposed to do, maybe, but it is in fact what the toaster has done. AND, it's not the first time! So finally, you decide to unplug the toaster, but the toaster flashes a message (the first sign of operation it's shown in an hour and a half), and it tells you that if you unplug it, it will retroactively burn and poison every piece of toast you made in the last 24 hours; AND it may just electrocute you the next time you plug it in?

I know everyone who has ever used a computer will recognize all these actions on the part of a computer. No one is ever able to say precisely why such things happen, or even how it might be prevented in the future. No one, no manual, nothing ever says "You did this wrong" so you can't do it right in the future, you learn nothing except to hate computers, and you begin to question your feelings about friends who are supposedly computer experts.(Maybe they just get paid all that money because they're fabulous con artists, and the emperor really is naked!)

I want to start a revolution. We can't very well junk all the computers, when they do work properly they're the greatest thing since sliced bread. The improvements in medical diagnosis alone are mind-boggling, still, I wonder what percentage of times the diagnosis is just plain nuts? We forced recalls of cars that blew up, tires that blew out, strollers that hurt babies, and tainted foods of all kinds. Let's demand computers that work consistently, with rules that apply all the time, even during full moons and sunspots! People here and there force improvements (actually repairs) to programs released with bugs still in them, but this is on a piecemeal basis, and for software only. Let's form a movement the size of the one we used for civil rights and an end to the Vietnam conflict (yeah, yeah, police action, advice, whatever you call it, we stopped it). This is maybe not as important as those things, but maybe it is. How many children will grow up thinking they're stupid because some computer didn't work right? How many people will fail to qualify for something because the computer ate the test along with the homework? How many useless and unnecessary surgeries will be performed, financial histories ruined or deleted, letters of acceptance for the Nobel Peace Prize not be sent, because some computer balked?

This has not been an easy thing for me to tell the world, in fact, my husbands' first response was "Do you have to send it? Could you do it anonymously?". Please, let's all admit that computers need a lot of work, and demand computers that work right all the time. We could call ourselves something like "Computers Really Are Perfectable". Thank you.