Knives

Zoe

Chapter 1

          Zoe laid on her bed. She pushed her blanket down to her waist and brushed back her dark hair.
          “Another day. Christ. Just great. Damn light.” she muttered holding her arm um, shielding her eyes from the sun’s early beams. She pulled her self up and un-twisted her mesh shorts. She fixed her beater and pulled back her hair.
          It was nine o’clock, but the house had been empty long before she got up. She cheeked the fridge, and a few cupboards, but just walked away, still hungry. She clumped back to her room where she curled up on her bed. She pulled a blanket back up to her, instead of closing the open window, as the cold early air blew in.
          Zoe turned her tv on and flipped through the channels. Infomercial, infomercial, news, infomercial,.news. Boring.
          “Argh!” , the remote slammed into the wall. She stood up, now fully awake and pulled on pair of worn black pants and a gray tank. She shuffled through a pile of things on her dresser, just pushing half of them off, and found a silver cuff. It was silver, dull and twisted around the edges. She smiled, and pushed it onto her wrist, her eyes flashed for a minute. Zoe put on charcoal-gray eyeshadow and threw the compact into a pile of cloths, she would not be able to find it later. She brushed her hair quickly and grabbed a key, pushing it into her pocket.
          Zoe left, locking the door behind her. Outside was the same air blowing through her window, cool and brisk. On the building steps was a teenager, his long hair almost covering his watery blue eyes, as he sat hunched over staring ahead.
          “Hey.” he said not turning around.
          “Hey Luke.” she said sitting next to him. “No work today?”
          “Nope.” he said still looking ahead, preoccupied. “You neither?”
          “I quit.” Zoe said looking to him. He finally turned to her.
          “What?” he said. For a minute Zoe thought he didn’t hear her.
          “I quit. No one works at a Rite Aid anyway.” she said grinding her shoe into the step.
          “Oh. Well you’ll find something cool.”
          “Ha. I’d rather be a blonde.”
          “Oh.”
          “Want to walk?”
          “Sure.”
          They walked by the local vendors. Some had small metal carts, others shops, but some just stretched a blanket on the sidewalk each morning. Muffins, hotdogs, books, CDs, and tourism junk where the most abundant things for sale.
          She stopped at a cart with jewlery and stuff from India. Luke paused, as Zoe felt for money in her pocket. She pulled it out. Ten. She picked up a pocket knife, pulled out the blade and rubbed it on the velvet. It cut through until it scraped through wood. Zoe flipped it over. She frowned at a sticker for fourteen dollars.
          “Jesus?” she muttered. “ and it’s not even really from India.” She turned to a woman hanging necklaces, “I’ll give you ten for it.” she said holding up the jade handled knife, the blade now tucked back inside.
          “Okay.” the woman said walking over. Zoe pulled out the bill and handed it to the woman who stuffed it into her jean pocket.
          Zoe turned and walked on. The bottoms of her pants, frayed and black, dragged on. Luke caught up behind her.
          “Not in a good mood today?” he asked. She didn’t answer, she just forced a smile and turned her head.
          “Hey, look what I got though.” she said tossing him the closed pocket knife. He took the blade out and ran his finger along the flat side of it. He shut it again.
          “Cool. I like it.” he handed it back to her. “I had driver’s ed yesterday.” he said smirking.
          “You did?” Zoe grinned, looking at him
          “Yeah.” he laughed. “I failed.”
          “Why?”
          “ ‘Cause as soon as I got in the carI put it in reverse instead of drive and backed into some car.”
          “Damn.”
          “Yeah.” Zoe laughed for a second until it faded out.
          “So what are you going to do until school?”
          “Ha. Senior year. Hum. I don’t know. Hang, I guess. With my buddy.”
          “Yeah me too.”
          “Your birthday’s coming up soon, right?”
          “Yeah.”
          “Three days?”
          “None other.”
          “Cool.”
          “Want to go cheek out that theater in Central Park?”
          “What’s playing there.”
          “King Lear I think. Starts at twelve today.”
          “Cool. You know the stop?”
          “Yeah. The one by the Met.”
          “Oh yeah. Well we’d better hurry. It’s ten thirty now.”
          “Sure. This way.” Luke said pointing down a street. They walked two blocks, and climbed the stairs. Luke bought three tokens. He paid, but the metro worker dropped a coin, and bent to pick it up. Zoe swung herself over the toll gate and waited for Luke.
          “I saw that.” he said as he carefully pushed the token into the slit, waiting for the light to turn green. He pushed through and turned to her. She shoved him and climbed up another flight of stairs. He jogged up them to her.
          “I spent my only ten bucks for the knife. It’s too expensive anyway.”
          “I know.” Zoe’s jaw dropped for a second. “So I got three tokens.” he said holding one out. I would have gotten four, but...”
          “Whatever. Thanks.” she said slipping onto a waiting train. Luke stood opposite the open doors and hung his arm on the ceiling bar.
          “I’ve never actually read King Lear. So I couldn’t tell you what it’s about.” Luke said, shrugging. Zoe laughed, an old woman looked up from her Spanish magazine to her before looking back down shaking her head.
          “Me neither.” Zoe said wrapping her arm around a bar, as the doors shut. The intercom screeched as the conductor spoke in a muffled voice,
          “Next stop, Astoria Boulevard .” of course, only people who rode the train daily could gain meaning from this, but even some had trouble translating the mumbling .The train swayed back and forth as they rode, pushing unpracticed riders into other passengers. They talked quietly under the buzzing of the train, chuckling occasionally. The train paused at the last stop above ground and gently slid downward until picking up speed. For a moment the train plunged into darkness, the lights flickering as it sped under the river. Then outside the windows lights shone in the car and revealed a platform. Ten stops later, Zoe and Luke left the train and climbed the steps into daylight.
          “Didn’t you want to be an actor a while ago?” Luke asked, his face squinted in question.
          “Yeah, a long while ago.”
          “Well.”
          “I don’t any more. What about you?”
          “I don’t know really.”
          “Ha. Remember you wanted to be a cowboy?”
          “Oh yeah- well what’s wrong with that? What if I still do, what do you say then.”
          “Well, then I guess I say Yippie Cay-Yay Mother Fucker.”
          “ And I say onward ho with the American dream.”
          “Hallelujah.”
          “Amen Father.” Luke said throwing his hands up and his head back. He walked into a parking meter, fell backwards, and smashed his hand into a glass bottle.

          In the emergency room Zoe sat on a still blush color chair while Luke sat across from her on the white bed. His hand was clumsily wrapped in long gauze. The edges were stained with red. He pushed fresh gauze over it when ever he saw it, looking around to see if anyone had noticed, even though Zoe was the only other person in the room.
          “At least they got the glass out.” Zoe offered.
          “Yeah. Well at least now I won’t look like a suicidal maniac with ‘glass’ imbedded in his skin. And that’s what it looks like, god damn it. It looks like I slit my god damn wrist.” He said, anger surfacing un naturally in his voice. Zoe turned away and stared at her feet.
          “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like-”
          “Whatever.” she said running a finger over her own scar. “Doesn’t matter. I’m going to get a drink.” she said still avoiding his eyes. As she walked through the hall paramedics pushed a Gurney down the hall while doctors ran aside it. She waited for it too pass, then crossed the hallway.
          Instead of getting a drink, she went into the bathroom. The other stalls where empty. She vomited in the first stall, leaning against the thin wall. She flushed the toilet, and turned the knob on the sink until cold water sputtered out. Zoe pulled her hair back and threw the old water onto her face, pale and solemn. She pulled a paper towel down, tearing it on the ridged edged and wiped her face until it was dry. Her stomach lurched again and she cupped a hand over her mouth until the feeling subsided.
          She closed her eyes so tight that they were reduced to a single line and that wrinkles branched out. Zoe pushed her hands over her face and ran them through her hair.
          “You’re going to kill me Luke”. She said shaking her head as she left. “Not that I’d notice.”
          Back in the room Luke was looking at the wall, while a doctor was weaving stitches across the gash near his wrist. He turned around as Zoe walked in and smiled and looked long enough to see her smile back, before he caught a glimpse of the doctor’s work, and quickly turned around again.
          “Will he live doctor?” Zoe asked, taking her seat again. The young doctor laughed for a second then replied,
          “ Of course.” he stood and picked up a clipboard of paper work Zoe had filled out early- Luke had couldn’t write without getting blood on the page. “And the bill will be sent to,” he looked down at the paper, “ Mr. Louis?”
          “Yeah.” Luke said examining his arm. Zoe caught a glance at the numbers, three figures to the left of the decimal.
          "Ouch" she said, Squinting her face.
          “Tell me about it.” Luke said. "And that’s after heath insurance."
          "Welcome to America."

Chapter 2

          “Where to?” Zoe said waiting for Luke said. “We could just get a hot dog at the Met.”
          “Sure.” Zoe said pushing out the hospital door. She nodded as Luke talked about his new experience and gave short answers, but mostly just counted the cracks in the sidewalk as they walked. The walked slowly, past the deep park and street artists paintings of the city, stars, and post nine eleven tributes.
          The food stands were sprinkled along the sidewalks of the Metropolitan Museum. While the aluminum siding shone in the sun. Some sold soda, some hotdogs, and others ice cream. Luke bought two hot dogs and passed one to Zoe. She sat onto one of the steps and drank deeply from a cup of water.
          “What do you think your dad ‘ill say?” she asked.
          “Oh this?” he said raising his arm. “Ha. Nothing probably. But he’ll be pretty pissed about the bill.”
          “Yeah.”
          “Want to go into the museum?”
          “Whatever.”
          “Free chocolate at the exhibit.”
          “Race you to the top.” she said, fully interested standing to throw the trash from their lunch.
          “Loser pays.”
          “If I lose we won’t get very far.”
          “Okay.” he said as he dashed to the steps. Zoe won anyway.
          They followed a long line of signs to the new exhibit. Over size posters and displays were hung strategically on the walls of the wide corders. Trays of small truffles and chocolates where carefully set out accordingly.
          “Well I can safely say this is the best damn exhibit they have ever had.” Zoe said pausing only to scan a sign briefly.
          “Yeah.” Luke said while he took another candy.
          “Why don’t they ever do anything like on guitars or something?”
          “I don’t know. I don’t think they know the names of anyone who has actually played a guitar.”
          “Their a bunch of dumb-assess, that’s what I bet.”
          “They’re the dumb-assess putting out this chocolate.”
          “And free chocolate at that.”
          “Exactly.” he said, laughing. Zoe grabbed a bunch of candies that had something to do with peanut butter.
          “Take some of those.” she said, stopping and pointing back as Luke passed them.
          “Sure.” she took some more of them.
          “Nice.” he said.
          “ I know.” Zoe said raising her head up. He shook his head..
          “You always know.”
          “I know.” she repeated sarcastically. She turned to another tray of chocolate but a slender young woman stepped in front of her. She wore a navy skirt and white blouse with a name tag pinned in the corner. The woman pressed her hands together as she spoke slowly and with definition.
          “Excuse me, some of the other persons viewing the exhibit have issued complaints. The Metropolitan policy asks that museum goers sample only one piece of chocolate per exhibit. Or you will be asked to leave.”
          “That’s alright.” Luke cut in stepping aside Zoe. “We were just on our way out.”
          “I’m sorry to hear that.” the woman said placidly.
          “I bet.” Zoe muttered, her eyes sharp and focused on the woman’s. She barely noticed and turned back to a station near an over sized Heresy bar.
          “And those are really ugly shoes.” Zoe called out behind her, pointing back to the woman. Luke tugged her arm and lead her away. “Who picked them out for you? Janet Reno!?”
          “I’d like to know if ‘peoples’ is a real word. Who says that anyway.” Luke pondered. Zoe shrugged as she quickly stepped down the marble steps.
          “Hey, what time is it now?”
          “Quarter to five. We were at the emergency room for like four hours.”
          “Want to go to my house and look for food?”
          “Sure. This way to the train.” Luke said pointing down a block to the right.
          “I don’t know these things.”
          “And that, would be why I do.”
“Of course.” she said heading own the stairs           to the platform while Luke pulled a token from his pocket. He slid it through the metal toll collector. Zoe followed behind him and tucked her hair behind her ear. A man dressed in black playing a violin, swung his head with the music and rumble of the trains below while passing people dropped coins into his case. An R train pulled to a stop and they managed to get on amongst the late afternoon and early rush hour traffic. Zoe and Luke took two seats near the door waited while the car fill with people, most who would stand, some wandered through the doors in search of a seat or elbow room.
          “Do you actually even have any food at your house?”
          “Well, not the edible kind.”
          “I figured that much.” Luke replied.
          “I thought you did. I bought some chips the other day and tossed them in my closet.”
          “Ah ha. Now if only you were in the Bush administration, America would really be prepared for disasters.”
          “ I know.” She said looking at her nails admirably, a smirk growing by the minute . “Pretty smooth.”
          The stood and left, climbing down the stairs as the clouds grew dark over head.
          “I’ll grab some chips and soda.” she said grabbing her key and unlocking the door.
          “Okay.” Luke said while Zoe went inside. A few moments later she returned with the food. She handed him a can of soda and hopped down the stairs, taking a seat. Luke followed and tapped the can before opening it. Zoe took out a hand full of chips and set them down.
          “So where’s your mom? I haven’t seen her around lately.”
          “Oh. She’s in California right now. She might move t o L.A.”
          “Is that good.?” Zoe asked unsure.
          “Yeah. Unless for some screwy custody thing I have to go there too. California bites. They can’t even keep their lights on. And next thing you know we’ll all be wearing ‘Vote for Arnold’ bottons. Thanks, but no thanks.” he said bitterly.
          “Oh. How’s your dad?”
          “Fine, I guess. Said we might move.”
          “Out of the district.”
          “ I don’t know why?”
          “School.” Zoe said concerned.
          “Oh. Yeah, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. I mean, yeah, my Dad hates the landlord and calls her a hell-bitch, but he just re-routed all the plumbing last year.” Zoe didn’t answer. The only sound heard from her direction was the loud crunch of a handful of chips. “My mom’s getting re-married.”
          “Yeah?”
          “Yeah. Some insurense guy. White tie crap.”
          “Oh man. You going to the thing?”
          “I hope not. Bad music and old people saying, ‘look how tall you are’. Please.”
          “You not even tall.”
          “I know.”
          “That’s dumb.” she said throwing a chip at him. He returned with a handful. “Sorry ‘bout your mom.”she said genuinely after they stopped laughing.
          “Yeah, sure.” he said shrugging dully. Luke looked down and Zoe searched for something to say but he spoke first. “I wish I didn’t know her at least. It’s like she keeps sucking us into her life. I don’t know how long I can put up with that crap.”
          “Well your almost eighteen. I say you fake your own death.”
          “I could go to my own funeral.” he said hopefully.
          “And,” she more sarcastically as a bonus, “you can stalk who ever doesn’t go.”
          “I think you onto something.” he said, she nodded and picked up her soda, taking a long sip.
          “Where did you get that bracelet?”
          “This.” she said nodding to the twisted bit of metal around her wrist.
          “Oh. It’s a knife. Well, the blade part anyway.” she was smiling, proud and bright for a moment.
          “I haven’t seen those around. Kinda cool.”
          “Yeah. It’s from one of our kitchen knives.”
          “Stubby butcher ones?”
          “Yeah.” Zoe said. Not willing to discuss it any more she changed the subject. “We should see a movie tomorrow.” He finally got it and moved on.
          “Yeah. I want to see twenty eight days later.”
          “Looks good. We should. Sure... tomorrow.”
          “Zoe.”
          “Yeah?”
          “Is it from January?”he asked painfully.
          Looking around shiftily, still avoiding his gaze and twisting a string from her pants she answered quickly, “Yeah. It is.”

Chapter 3

          They walked in silence for a few blocks before stopping at the park. It was on the edge the water and you can just begin to see the towering buildings. The night was almost fully upon the city, and most of the skyscrapers where lit by yellow windows. Two bridges on either side of them connected Queens and Manhattan and were lined with lights as if announcing a holiday. Zoe climbed down some cement blocks and slid off her flip flops, dipping her feet in the water. Luke sat on a block at the top, his eyes watching behind him, through the fence they jumped over. A cop walked along the sidewalk, past them across the street, father behind them in the park, into a playground. Dumb cops.
          Zoe stared at the water, the gray reflecting every color of light in the skyline..
          “You know, I didn’t even feel it. When I took the knife and dragged it across my wrist. I just stared at the blood as it rose to my skin. It was so dark, but it was life. That’s all it is, blood and skin, everyone knows it. I’m just so fucking tired of this ‘it’s great shit’ because it isn’t. It’s hell fucked up.”
          “Sometimes.” he offered.
          “But it is.” she said bitterly.
          “Not always.”
          “Well it has been while I’ve been around.”
          “Why did you do it?” he asked quietly.
          “Because. I didn’t want it any more. It’s just...”
          “Just what?”
          “Nothing.”
          “Why?”
          “What!”
          “Why? Will you just talk to me?”
          “What the hell do you want me to say? I’m screwed up? Never look at knives, Luke? I’m sorry, I was a dumb ass?”
          “No.” he said quietly, taken back by the out burst.
          “Then what?” Zoe said forcefully.
          “ Something. Just something. That’s all.”
          “ Well I don’t want to say something! I don’t ask you to come over! You just do! I never even wanted you to. I want to be alone, damn it! Didn’t you ever get a clue? Your so stupid sometimes!” Zoe watched as he stood up and stepped back on to the grass. His face was blank and his eyes looked beaten down.
          “Fine.” his voice said emotionless and cold. He turned and walked away as if no one was there. Zoe turned and looked into the water, waiting for his voice, but it didn’t come. Instead, the only thing that could be heard was the artificial buzz of traffic and the steady lapping of the water.
          Zoe buried her head into her hands and ran them through her hair. She gasped deeply as her body shuddered and her eyes screamed bleak emotion, tears over flooded them, running down her face, falling onto her arms. Her stomach twisted violently and she felt her throat tighten as if to suffocate her. She sobbed until her throat was raw, her eyes pink and damp.
          Her mind encircled it’s thought’s endlessly. The tarnished ones were black in her mind, closing in on her with each minute and in reality they were will with people around her a pale world. The others were ones of Luke. Talking, laughing, them hanging together. She didn’t know what those where and she didn’t know if she wanted to. Not after tonight. It was if the next revelation would snap her mind, and it felt like it would. The sky began to rumble, the black clouds shifting and rolling.
          “Oh good god.” she said, her eyes dried up momentary. She took her sandals in hand and climbed back up. She tossed them, weakly pulled herself over and picked them up again. Zoe wandered sluggishly back towards her apartment. She walked with her head mostly down and her eyes closed partially, tired and dead. Few cars past now and when they did they splashed in the gathered water, it crackling as it hit the pavement. The neon signs glowed brightly in the black sky and Revis drifted though the air from somewhere above. The air grew brisk, as a light rain began to fall.
          She approached his apartment building and froze in front of it, rain rolling of her face and onto her shoulders. The dark stone towered above her, black and forbidding. Zoe slipped down a damp alleyway next to the building and stood on her toes, trying to peer through a first floor window. The dark room was lit only by the light spilling under the door. It was empty, Luke was not home, she knew because he spent little time in other places in the apartment building, and her heart sank deeper as she turned back to the main side walk .
          Zoe wandered on towards her block as heavy thoughts weighed on her mind, each one crushing and painful. She walked up the steps and unlocked the door to an empty apartment. Just then she vaguely remembered her parents mention they were going to be in Jersey that night for a high school reunion and were going to stay at a Ramada. But it didn’t matter anyway. The fact that her parents were so oblivious to her seemed trivial now...
          She went into her room and sank onto her bed, leaning her head against the wall, flipping the light switch as she passed it. She closed her eyes and tried to breath slower, think clearer, but now it was only a racing mess. Zoe pressed her arm against her face again and opened her eyes to the mess that was her room.
          She took out a small bound journal and scrawled her thoughts onto the blank page,
          “ I can’t believe I did it. To Luke. Oh God. I was killing my self, in my mind all these months, again... I don’t know why I said it. I suppose I thought he was dragging me down but in truth he was keeping me up. I don’t know what to do. I suppose it’s to late anyway. ”
          She set the pen between the last few pages and dropped it onto the floor. Out side the rain washed down her window sill and onto the streets below, anyone walking on the sidewalks would have to go through an obstacle of muddy puddles, but Zoe didn’t think about that. Instead she just thought of the heavy object still in her pocket. She pulled it out and held the smooth knife in her hand. She ran her finger along the stone handle and grasped it, pulling the silver blade out. It reflected the light from her lamp, distorting the orange colors.
          Zoe took a breath, and held the cold metal to her wrist. She dragged it across her wrist,
her eyes studying the blade as it sunk into her skin. Dark blood rose up and began to trickle from the gash alone her skin. She passed the knife to her other hand and pressed it into her other wrist, the same crimson blood, a long bead rolling down her arm.
          Her eyes were already foggy with tears and her cheeks streaked with both tears and rain. She barely notice the blood as it began to fall onto a pillow, Zoe just pushed bloody knife aside and leaned back against the wall. Her eyes fell shut slowly, until all she saw was a the vague distortion of her room.
          Sharp, searing, pain began to crawl up her arm and down her hand, paralyzing it. Zoe brought her hands to her face, blood smearing along her neck and cheeks. She looked at her room and cried again, the tears falling through the red, until it was stripped with watery streaks. She tipped her head back and waited, for the darkness, for the rest, for the end.
          As she leaned into the wall she heard a rapping, at first she thought it was just her mind slipping further away, and she was glad, but it persisted, four or five more times. She was faintly alert to what it was. Knocking. She felt nauseous tried to push down the feeling. The knocking stopped and was followed by the sound of her apartment door pushed open,
          “Zoe?”a voice called. Her heart stopped cold, ice shot through her veins as reality sank in. “Zoe?” it repeated, closer and clearer. Luke. “No.” she thought painfully. The foot steps drew closer. Faster. She tried to push her self up, to walk to the door, just to push it shut if not lock it. She sobbed softly as her muscles failed her and she slumped down again. Luke appeared in the door way. Zoe frowned as his eyes faded and his jaw dropped slightly for a moment.
          “Oh Zoe.”
          “Luke.” She said weakly, Her body felt numb, as if she was slipping away, losing control.
          “Zoe.” he said rushing toward her. He searched the floor and pulled up a towel and began wrapping it tightly around her wrist. His eyes were sad and panicked. She started to close her eyes for a just a second... Luke grabbed a glass of water on the bed stand and threw it onto her face. She immediately was thrown back into consciousness, her eyes shot open and she opened her mouth to breath. He looked at her face making sure she was still with him.
          “Luke. I’m didn’t mean...”
          “Shush, no.”
          “ I betrayed you. I left you at the end.”
          “No. I left you. I shouldn’t have gone. When I realized it you were gone and... Zoe.”
          “Luke. Don’t. I shouldn’t... Just leave me. Please, you shouldn’t”
          “Zoe don’t. Stay with me..Where’s the portable?” He said, a tear falling down his check. Zoe winced as she inhaled and tried to sit up. “ Why would you ever think?”
          “You hate me. And if you don’t you should. I’m a mess. I’m a fucked up mess.”
          “No, no. Zoe, never. I need to call an ambulance.” he said pulled her up. He pulled away a pillow case and wrapped it around her other wrist. The other one was soaked through with blood.
          “Luke, let me go.” She sobbed desperately trying to push him away, but she was pale and her arms to diluted to do anything.
          “I would never.” he said his voice shaky but soothing. “ I couldn’t go on without you. Your who I think about and all I think about.” he said. Zoe closed her eyes for the longest time, leaning her head against his shoulder as he held her wrists tight. She finally opened them to his worried gaze as she spoke.
          “ It hurts so much. Some days I already feel dead. And I don’t know what to do any more. I can’t help it.” She stopped as her voice trailed off. “I want to stay with you.” she sobbed barely able to speak, clutching for him, to be helped. Her face was a blend blood, water and tears. Her hands were trembling and he grasped them as his eyes were sad and full of sympathy. “I want to be here while you are.” She said reaching into a drawer and pulling out the phone and cried, wrapping her arms around him. And he held her.




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