Forgive My Weakness

It wasn’t my fault.

We were snowed in. You could barely even see the mountains let alone the passes.

Trapped.

I tried to escape, even though there was nowhere for me to go. The first time was desperate, a spur of the moment thing. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was in no fit state but still I ran. And ran. Among the trees and the snow drifts. The slopes. Sometimes, I thought I could hear him shouting my name. Cursing me. Then the blizzard started. Mostly I was cold. My tears kept freezing my eyes shut and the wind was cracking my skin. The drifts were deep. I ached. It was a just retribution for trying to leave him. God sees all. I think I got quite far, considering. It made him mad.

Weakness. I am weak. That’s what got me. I couldn’t get back up one time when I fell. Each time it was harder. I just couldn’t move anymore. I had climbed to an altitude where it was almost cold enough not to snow. It was too much. I lay there on the frozen earth, the icy grit whipping around me. I couldn’t feel my feet, or my hands. The ice began to bury me. I remember a wolf. It was beautiful. I think I wanted it to kill me but it just sniffed at my hair. I found its yellow eyes intoxicating. They were hunter’s eyes. I blinked and they were his eyes. His eyes are worse. I don’t remember anything else. When I woke up it was warm and that made me smile. I think that’s what saved me. I think he thought it was for him. Thought I had realised my mistake, missed him even.

“Great to see you, it’s been snowing out…”

He was nice to me for weeks afterwards. I stopped fighting him. But then it started again. Worse.

Why does he hate me?

I love him. Loved him. Love him.

The next time I thought I was being clever. I came up with a brilliant plan, and I smiled while I did it. He knew though. He let me get far enough to think I’d made it. Then he stepped out from behind a pine tree. He had been waiting for me. He’s so strong, so fast. Afterwards he had to carry me back. It hurt too much. I think I passed out again. There was no fire this time when I woke. I still don’t know how I survived. I couldn’t stop shaking. Was it through cold or through fear? It was hard to eat. My jaw…

He came back after a few days. Didn’t speak, just bathed the dried blood off of me. The cloth was warm and he was gentle so he must have forgiven me.

After the third time, he removed a toe.

“You will learn.”

This was my punishment and I could do nothing but scream. I didn’t learn. I now have seven toes. I learnt. He took them all from the same foot. He knew what he was doing. His knife had seen a great deal of use. He is so much cleverer than me. It looks like I had a run in with a trap, or a bear, or something. Jagged.

“No one will ever know.”

That’s when I started to understand how hopeless it was. Is. I’ve stopped running. Forgive my weakness, please.

When the spring melts came we both escaped the mountains. I know beauty flew around me on the journey, I remembered it all from the trip out, but I could not notice it now. It was too painful to see. He took me back to the others, to his people. They were so happy to see him.

I cried.

They built a big fire outside the shelters and everyone gathered around him. He told them of our adventures in the wilderness. He’d decided it was a bear. He made me show them. He had added more wounds since the last amputation. More realistic, I deserve the pain. His voice was filled with pride as he told them how clever I was for surviving, for climbing a tree. Love shone from his eyes. Everyone smiled.

Later he hit me for crying. No one saw.


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