Dynamic Duo

Hey, today let’s pretend we’re Batman and Robin.

Only if I can be Batman. Robin sucks. He just follows Batman around and makes random exclamations in admiration of his big buddy’s brains and brawn. Batman is the Skipper, and Robin is goofy Gilligan. Batman is laid-back Oscar and Robin is anal Felix. Batman’s the prez, the main man. The leader.

Okay, you be Batman. Whatever. I don’t care.

'Cause, see, the thing is, Robin is Scrappy Doo. He’s Cousin Oliver. He’s Potsie. He doesn’t get any respect and he never does anything exciting or original. He’s the tag-along, the runner-up. He’s the wind beneath Batman’s wings...big deal.

Okay, I get the point. Fine, you be Batman.

No. It’s too late for me to be Batman. I feel like you’re just letting me be Batman because I complained about it. I can’t be Batman now. If you really wanted me to be Batman you would have designated me as Batman in the first place.

What are you talking about?

I’ll tell you what I’m talking about, Batman. I’m talking about how it’s always all about you. You decide what game to play and how we play it. I never get a say. I can barely get a word in edge-wise with your oh-so-knowledgeable dissertations about the pretentious topic of the day.

Would you rather we pretend we’re Bert and Ernie?

Yes. Yes, I would. In fact that’s the best idea I’ve heard all day. Bert and Ernie – now there’s a pair of equal partnership. Each has interesting characteristics and quirks. Each commands respect and attention. Okay, let’s do it.

I guess I’ll be Ernie.

Wait a minute. Why do you get to be Ernie? Ernie’s better than Bert. Bert’s a stick-in-the-mud. Bert’s uncool.

You just said they were equal.

Well I was wrong. Bert does that dumb pigeon dance and talks in that nasally complaining voice all the time. He never lets Ernie have any fun. No way I’m being Bert.

Okay, you be Ernie. I’ll be Bert.

Oh, so I suppose what you’re saying now is that I’m this immature doofus who just carries around a rubber ducky and bothers his buddy with inane questions about the moon. Is that it? You think I’m a completely stupid, ridiculous putz of a person.


Well, how about Lewis and Clark?

I don’t know anything about those guys. You know I’m no good at history. How am I supposed to pretend I’m someone I don’t know anything about? I suppose you just want me to know that you’re so smart about explorers or whatever.

Simon & Garfunkel?

Are you kidding? Garfunkel shuffled off to nowhere years ago. Who the hell is Garfunkel?

He did an amazing job singing “For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her.”

He did. He really did.

I wonder if he ever found her.

Found who?

Emily.

That’s it! We’ll be Emily Dickinson and Emily Post.

I don’t get it. They're not even a duo. Plus they're chicks.

You’re just never satisfied unless every little detail goes your way, are you?