Lambs of God 2

To the lambs of God,

Ever notice how lots of sermons start out with “Wow, another year gone by…”?

Wow, another year gone by…What were you doing a year ago on this date? Getting ready for church, family dinner, picnic? I can tell you what I was doing. At 7 am I had just swallowed my sixth pill. I was tweaking my ass off. For those of you who don’t know what tweaking is: It’s when you take speed and your body is so hyper you can’t sit still while your mind is so exhausted you can’t think or maybe you can, or maybe you can’t or maybe you can…

Since I have ADHD, speed slows my brain down so I don’t think. The silence is the most wonderful bliss in the world. Top that off with a nice serotonin body high and you have yourself Ecstasy…the drug of the new generation.

Why do I take something that is dangerous and could kill me? Am I not aware of what is in the drug? Of course I know what’s in it. I’ve sold it, seen it cooked and helped buy the ingredients for it. Commercial wax remover anyone?

So why, you ask, do I do drugs? I’ll tell you…
Have you ever wanted a day where you didn’t have to think just feel? You see I don’t feel. Most days I’m numb. But when I’m rolling…god do I feel. First I feel wonderful and light and free. I am like a child again. Swings and slides and colors make sense. You should see the colors and the trails and feel what I feel. Every texture, every pattern is bright, bold. Sounds are enhanced and I don’t just hear the music, I feel it. Then I start to come down. Depending on the quality of the drug that I have just taken, I either want to go to sleep or I am awake. Depression and fear set in. I ask myself why am I punishing myself? Why did I just take drugs? I know it’s wrong. I was taught that my body is a temple and that God lives there. Why would I defile it?

Even those feelings are better than a blank void that is my existence. To feel is to live. With out sensation there is no life. I have realized that every time I take a pill, I don’t want to wake up in the morning. I just want to blissfully fall asleep and wake up in heaven. I realized that I am tired of my barren existence where I do not feel just am. I get angry at myself and then the strangest thing happens. I pray. In those moments of anger, and self loathing and fear, I pray!

I ask God why he has left me on this earth. Why? I don’t want to be here. Most of the world is easy to figure out. I am alone except for His calming voice in my head. People are so boring and dull. Guys are easy to manipulate, girls are easy to control. There are very few people who make my life interesting, how will I ever find love? You know, it is in those times that I feel closest to God.

I have done all the “right” things. I went to a Christian school. My parents were missionaries. My father was a pastor. I miss him. I went to a foreign country on a mission’s trip. I was the youngest member in the most desolate country. I thought I was humble. I thought I knew everything. I was a bright little light on the outside. I remember those nights, laying there on the hard tile floor, praying to hear God’s voice. That was all I wanted out of the trip. I wanted to hear God’s voice. I wanted to know that I was loved and that my Dad was ok and that I would be ok. Do you know what I heard? I didn’t hear a thing.

Why am I telling you this? I know it is upsetting your “Christian status quo.” I am telling you this because I need to. God isn’t in a church. He isn’t in a building. You have grown comfortable sitting in those padded seats once a week and listening to the pastor. I have seen God. He was in the eyes of the girl who was abused and now she strips for a living. He was in the eyes of my best friend when he got drunk and had an orgy, four guys in one night. He was where ever the pain is the greatest, trying to love us as much as we’ll let him, not beating us into the flock, but picking us up and healing our wounds. Where will you find God? I found him on my sixth pill at 7 o’clock in the morning.


Blaze