A Piece of the Puzzle (Laura)

I was born into a middle class family. My parents had just married a few months before I was born. They rented a house next to my moms parents for a while, but soon bought their own home. We lived in this three bedroom house for about 8 years. My dad worked in a factory making fiber glass. He always came home with blue spots on his face and hands. He used to tell my brother and me that it was the Smurf in him coming through. My mom took some nursing classes at night, but for the most part she stayed home with us. “Us” is me and my brother, Cale who is two years younger than me. For houses up the hill from us lived my two cousins, Ben and Jasmine with their parents Bert and Sasha. Ben was often mistaken for my twin brother. We were close, but grew farther apart as we got older. He eventually spent more time playing with my brother than me because I was a girl. Jasmine was a year younger than Cale and obviously the baby of the family. We usually got along, but at some point none of us got along with her. If we did anything, she was the tattletale. This changed when we grew up. If we weren’t at each others houses, we were across town at “the farm” which is what we called Granny and Grandpa’s house. When I was about three, my mom decided we should start attending church. We tried a few churches. I remember one in particular scared me because of a play that they put on. There were some other things they did that worried my parents, so we only attended once.

The church we chose was around 100 people. My grandparents started attending first, but I’m not sure for how long. At first the whole family started going. Gradually, most of them stopped coming. It started with my aunt and uncle. They continued to send Ben and Jasmine with Granny and Grandpa for a while. Then my parents stopped attending. Toward the end of my elementary school years, during the week of Vacation Bible School, my mom tried to drown herself in our pool. My dad took us to my Uncle Bert’s and took Mom to the hospital. When he came back he explained that mom was suffering from depression. When she was released she seldom attended church anymore. When we were all became teenagers, I was eventually the only one who came with my grandparents to church. The church was full of great people who loved God and loved me. I was as active in the church as a child can be. I earned a lot of badges in the church scouting program, had parts in almost every Christmas play, sang solos, and had almost perfect attendance. I was equally involved in the youth group, replacing Christmas plays with joining the clown ministry. Around the same time as my moms hospitalization, I attended a concert one Sunday night that my whole family happened to attend. At the end of the service they gave an invitation to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior. I went forward with Ben. Before the pastor got to praying with us, Ben went back to his seat. I stayed. I felt like somewhat of a fake after that, but I soon set things right with God.

After I had been in the youth group a few years, two new girls starting coming to my church. Miranda was my age. She was a little taller than me. She was about 5’ 8”. I was about 5’ 7”. We both had blonde hair. Hers was shoulder length while mine was closer to waist length. While I was very thin, she was not. We soon became good friends. We made quite a pair. We played games with each other pretending we were married to two famous actors. Some friends thought it was a stupid game while others thought it was a neat idea and even joined us with their own “husbands.” During our little game we became close friends. Since we didn’t attend the same junior high school we wrote each other letters about our real day and our pretend husbands and children. One Wednesday evening Miranda brought a letter that was from her friend Thomas to his pen pal. It was actually written by Thomas’ cousin, Josiah. The letter was so funny Miranda just had to show it to me. This letter introduced me to Missy’s friend’s Thomas and Josiah. They both sat beside her in homeroom. Whenever Miranda wrote me a letter they started writing little tidbits too. Thomas asked me out shortly after we started writing, but I didn’t want to date until I was 16, so I turned him down. Soon we just wrote normal letter to one another, and I began to look forward to hearing from Thomas and especially Josiah, whose sense of humor I had come to love.

The girl who started going to my church with Miranda was Cynthia. Cynthia was a year older than I was and we did not get along. Looking back I think a lot of the reason was my fault. Cynthia was too much competition. She had shoulder length red hair and green eyes. That’s something about her I didn’t like. Until she showed up I was the only person I knew with green eyes. They made me feel special. Singing also made me feel special. Cynthia could sing too and the way everyone talked she was great. I didn’t think so. She was so sure that she would be a famous singer; she never tried to be anything else until she had no choice. She started dating my cousin Sam. I had heard it through the grapevine that they had slept together. I had come to know that this sort of thing was sin outside of marriage. I knew that what I heard was true because often times when two people are that intimate they act differently around each other. There is a sense of familiarity. I never once thought this could be Sam's fault. I completely blamed Cynthia for their sins. I judged her. “How dare she tempt my cousin into such a thing!” I'm sure she could sense the way I felt toward her. I did a lot of things that might have had to do with why she left the church. I was a year ahead of most of my grade in math, so I ended up in the same class as Cynthia. One day I overheard her tell someone that she was an atheist. This boiled my blood. If she didn’t believe in God, why was she always singing in front of the church? I told her mother, who was also the youth leader at the time and the pastor what I heard and when nothing came of it I threw a fit. Cynthia soon no longer sang in church. If I saw her today I hope that I would be able to apologize for the fit and my half of the problems we had.

One of the girls in our youth group who became good friends with Cynthia was Larraine. Larraine had been in the church as long as I had and during our childhood we were good friends. Larraine was only 5’ 1”. When we hugged I usually hugged her head. She was very beautiful and knew it. She had long brown hair and shining brown eyes. She was obsessed with guys. She was a year younger than me, but always had a boyfriend. As teenagers our friendship was off and on. This often depended on whether or not Cynthia and she were getting along. I was her friend whenever she needed me to be and she would cease being my friend when she no longer needed me. Now although Larraine and I went to the same church she attended different junior high school from both me and Miranda. When we reached high school age we went to the same high school. Attempting to make conversation with another student, I asked which school he was from. Upon finding that he went to the same junior high as Larraine, I asked if he knew her. I found out that she was quite popular. That didn't surprise me because I knew her personality. What surprised me was how she was known. She was a flirt. That was easy to tell just by watching her or maybe looking at the way she dressed. Because she was my friend I would never have thought badly about her. I came to find that she was VERY well known by the guys, if you know what I mean. This changed my view of Larraine, but I still loved her like a sister. I never judged her the way I did Cynthia. In one of the letters that Josiah had commented on, he mentioned that Larraine had asked him out. He turned her down because of this reputation.

One fall my grandparents had a hayride on their farm for the churches of our denomination in our area. It was there that Miranda introduced me to Josiah, the guy behind the letter, and his family. I later watched Josiah and his older brother, Stephen, toss a football. I remembered seeing his brother at a concert some time before. I remembered him because he was one of the first people I ever met with red hair. Josiah was tall and thin with wavy brown hair and baby blue eyes. I thought to myself, “Not only is he funny, he’s also kind of cute”. We saw each other a few more times at church events after that. A year later we were old enough to go to high school. Now Miranda, Thomas, Josiah, and I went to the same high school. I had compared my schedule with Miranda and my best friend from my junior high school, Melody. I had no classes with them, but I had lunch with them both. I anxiously went from class to class hoping to find someone I knew. In my first class there were a few kids from my junior high, but no one I ever talked to. In my second class, I knew no one. Then I had lunch it was nice to see a few familiar faces. Third, I had Algebra II. I knew someone, but it was Cynthia and as I said, we did not get along unless we had to. I wasn’t too optimistic when I sat down in my forth period artclass, but someone asked if they could sit beside me and I looked up. It was Josiah. I smiled and said yes. We didn’t really know each other very well, but at least I had something in common with him and he was cute.

Over the course of that semester, Josiah and I became good friends, along with a classmate, Mateo. The teacher we had was often out of the room for one reason or another, so we were able to talk a lot while doing our projects. We had many laughs. One day I showed them my new class ring along with my earrings that were also little class rings. When Josiah handed them back, he jokingly asked me to marry him. I told him yes. My heart jumped. Maybe he was starting to like me too.

One day as I got up to get ready for school, my dad called my brother and I into the living room. He told us that mom had moved out the night before. He said we didn’t have to go to school if we didn’t want to. We decided to go anyway. I was shocked. How could my mom leave? Why? I made it to lunch and then thought about how lonely my dad must have felt, being home alone. I went to the guidance counselor and asked for permission to go home to be with my dad. After an explanation they let me go home. That was the only day I missed of class with Josiah. When my dad picked me up, he told me his parents had come over. That made me feel better. It seemed to be a long time that they were separated, but it was less than a year. They had some counseling through a pastor friend of mine and we’re happier after it was all over. To this day I don’t know exactly why my mom left. But I figure it really isn’t any of my business.

The summer before high school Larraine and I joined a district singing ministry group. Two weekends a month we traveled to churches on our district. God moved in those services. This group helped me to grow a lot as a Christian. It also gave me the support of Christian friends. The February I was sixteen our church had a youth service. Larraine and Cynthia led the music. I gave the sermon. Actually, it was more of a testimony. Remembering some of the things I said in that sermon, a lot of people probably couldn't help but think about how much more I had to grow as a Christian. One thing I said was, "Thankfully, I haven't done any big sins yet." How ignorant I was! Little did I know that this would become a sort of prophecy.

That same Sunday after church I got a phone call from a boy named Albert. He asked me out. I had not allowed myself to date until I turned 16. I had turned 16 two months earlier and this was the first boy to ask me out since then. I was excited, but I hesitated. I had met Albert only a week earlier at one of our church's singing ministry group services. When I told this to Albert, he insisted that in order to get to know him I should date him. Another reason I hesitated was that I really liked Josiah and I felt that he liked me too. He had grown to the height of 6’ 4” and sported a new hairstyle that made me want to run my finger through his hair. I hoped he would ask me out. We had gotten to know each other better in an art class we had together. Our classmates often thought that we were dating or said that we should.

Albert talked me into dating him anyway. I later found out that he was good at talking people into things, especially girls. Albert was short and stocky. He had light brown almost grey hair and blue/grey eyes. He wasn’t even very good looking, but he had a way about getting his way. A week after we started dating, Albert and I got to see each other at a church weekend retreat. Things went well until that night. We were sitting in a hallway with another couple he knew. Albert had his arm around my waist. Before I knew it he was trying to slip his hand down my overalls. I was shocked and confused. Quickly, I caught his hand and put it in a more appropriate spot. He whispered in my ear an apology. The next day he asked me what his limits were physically. I told him he could touch me where you could see skin when I wore my very conservative swim suit. My swim suit was actually more of a pair of shorts and halter top. He seemed alright with that.

The next week he tried something else. He wanted me to touch him in places I knew were wrong. I refused. He said, "Okay, I guess you're not ready. Let me know when you are." I sighed a sigh of relief. About an hour later he asks, "Are you ready yet?" I couldn't believe it. He kept asking and I kept refusing. Thinking back I should have had him bring me home and broken up with him on the spot. Or I should have gotten to a phone and called my dad to come pick me up. I should have stopped seeing him. I was too shy and I guess I wasn't strong enough. After a while, I gave in. From then on he tried to find ways to get us alone. I followed quietly and answered his questions the way I thought I should. He had me convinced we would be married some day and all these things would be alright. I felt I had no choice, but to marry him. I felt numb. I no longer knew what I was feeling. I knew I was sinning. I never wanted to do it. I felt manipulated and dirty. I had to tell him every night that I loved him and would marry him. He expected me to and I was trying to convince myself.

About a month after we started dating, we saw each other at the church district teen talent competition. Albert started playing a game to pass the time and who should join the game, but Josiah. As I watched the game I found myself watching Josiah more than Albert. Even Albert noticed and asked if he was the guy I had mentioned liking. I should have known then that I liked Josiah, not Albert, but I didn’t. God started speaking to my youth leader (still Cynthia's mom) about starting a Bible study group with the youth that come to know Christ. She asked me to join. One night during that study group I realized I was miserable and if I didn't do anything about it I would be miserable for the rest of my life. My friends in the class supported me, though few knew the details. That night I went home with Miranda and called Albert. I told him God was telling me that we needed to break off the relationship. Of course Albert tried to talk me out of it, he even cried, but Miranda wouldn't let me back out. Miranda was a true friend. When I got home he called me and tried to stop me from breaking up with him.

That weekend our ministry group had a service. I thought it would be renewing for me because I could always feel the Holy Spirit in those services. Instead Albert showed up. He tried to talk to me before the service. Some mutual friends who didn't know what we had gone through tried to talk me into seeing him. I resisted. During the service I felt the same emptiness I had felt any other time I was in Albert's presence. It must have been obvious to others that something wasn't right. Many friends prayed for me and tried to comfort me. Albert decided to come up on the platform and bring me down to the altar so we could pray about our breaking up. I went, but I already knew what we were to do. I kept asking God how I was to get rid of him. I glanced over my shoulder at the group of friends gathered around me. One in particular stood out from the rest. Josiah was there. His presence was comforting. As the service came to a close, a friend, Michael, played some hymns on the piano while Larraine, Stephen, Josiah and I sang. Josiah put his arm around me to comfort me. He didn’t even know how things were with Albert and me, but he was still there to comfort me.

When the semester was over and we no longer had art class together, Josiah and I still stopped to see each other in the hall between classes. He was very smart and artistic. I had never met anyone who could draw like him. He could always make me laugh. After all, it was his sense of humor that first drew me to him. The more I got to know him the more I liked him, but I was afraid to ask him out. I knew he would never treat me the way Albert had, but there was still a small fear inside me. That summer as my youth group headed to a weekend event, all I could talk about was Josiah. His church would be there too. At the opening concert my youth group sat with his youth group. I think this was partially a set up by Miranda and my other friends. I sat between Miranda and Josiah. We had a good time. At one point Miranda leaned over to me and said she was going to ask Josiah to go out with me. I tried to object quietly since he was beside me, but she wouldn't listen. I tried to pretend I was too into the concert to hear what was going on right beside me. I didn’t even hear him say he'd think about it.

I suddenly started to worry. What if he said no? I'd be crushed. What if he said yes?! What if it didn't work out? He was one of my best friends. I didn't want to lose his friendship. What if it did work out? What would he think once he knew about my relationship with Albert? I decided he didn't know I knew about her asking him and I could just forget about it until he answered. If he didn’t answer, things would be as they usually were. We had a great time all weekend. He watched me sing in a competition and I watched him play ping pong. We spent one day wading in a nearby creek. That perfect day was marred that night by a visit from Albert. He was hoping we would get back together, but I’d learned my lesson. I was going to wait to hear from Josiah. Soon it was time to go home and I started worrying again. Miranda tried to comfort me by telling me she could tell that he liked me by the way he looked at me and things like that. It was little comfort. When we stopped for lunch I decided to "walk it out." I went for a walk around the parking lot. I prayed. Then I believe God spoke to me. It's hard to describe; the only way I know how is to say it was a deep sense of knowing. A peace came over me and I knew that even if Josiah didn't answer this time, we would eventually get together. Even if it was a few years later. It was in God's timing not mine.

Actually, I only had to wait a week. One week later I received a phone call from Josiah. He said yes. Neither one of us being good at phone conversation, the call was short, but it was hard to contain my excitement. I called Miranda to share the news. She wasn't surprised. The summer was long. Although we were both sixteen, neither one of us had our drivers license. We were also too shy to call each other. It was hard to be dating someone you never saw. We spent a week together at church camp, but other than that we didn't see each other much. Our first date was to a car show. On the way back we sat in the back seat on opposite sides looking out our own windows. I’d kept telling myself to look at him and smile, but I was just too shy to do it. Soon school started again and we could see each other almost every day. None of our classmates seemed surprised to see us together. "Finally!" a few of our closer friends commented. On our three month anniversary Josiah gave me a ring. It was silver and looked somewhat like the end of a spoon. I later found out that it was called a “spoon ring” for that very reason. I used to pretend it was like the magic mirror in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. It would let me see Josiah whenever I wanted to. I was the happiest I had ever been. Everything about him made my heart leap; his voice, his smell, his touch (at this point limited to holding hands), even just seeing him.

But soon I once again started to worry. I thought I may be falling in love with Josiah, but I didn't know what I was to do about it. What if he didn't feel the same way? Do I tell him and risk it? Do I wait to see if he tells me? How could I be in love with him when we haven't even kissed? What if he found out about Albert? Would he even like me then? As always Miranda assured me that everything would work out.

A few days later, it was homecoming. We went to the game and planned on going to the dance. It rained throughout the whole game and we lost, which seemed to be a homecoming tradition. We had fun none the less. We headed toward the gym where the dance was to be held. We talked to a few friends in the hall, but never made it to the dance. We decided it was too late and he would take me home. His dad picked us up. Josiah walked me to the door like he always did. We always spent a few minutes with him holding me on my porch. I believe we both usually wanted to kiss, but we were both always too shy. This time, however, Josiah said, "You know I'm going to feel bad if I don't kiss you. Can I kiss you?" I nodded. That was a great kiss. It was a kiss I had long been waiting for. At that moment I knew I did love him. It was strange to me that he had asked me if he could kiss me. It was sweet. Albert never asked to do anything. He just did it. I liked the way Josiah treated me. He acted like I was someone special.

A week later after we got home from another date, he held me as we were saying goodnight. I was trying to gather up the courage to tell him how I felt, even if I could get my thoughts organized. Before I could get my mouth to say what my mind was thinking, Josiah broke the silence. "Laura, I love you." I was too busy trying to say the same thing to catch what he said. I asked him to repeat it. He did. I looked into his eyes and smiled. "I love you too."

As the months went by I loved Josiah even more and I also came to know and love his family. I always wanted an older brother and parents who went to church and shared my beliefs. With his family, that’s what I got. His family liked me too. His mom especially, she often told me that she often told Josiah not to break my heart. After we had been dating for about a year, they invited me to come with them to family camp at the same campground where we attended senior high camp, but this time for the whole family. They went every year with the youth group from their church. The services were great. The Lord spoke to me many times that week about many things including telling Josiah about Albert.

We went for a walk on the campgrounds. We stopped at the playground and sat down. I took a deep breathe. "Josiah, there is something I want to tell you…”
“OK”
“You know I dated Albert before you.”
“Yeah, so?”
“I feel I need to tell you about that… He talked me into some things and we did some things that were wrong. I don't think we went all the way. I don't remember everything. I've blocked most things out of my memory. I know they were wrong. I’m sorry we did them and I hope you’ll still love me." I waited for a reply. As was often the case with Josiah, he didn't say anything. He just sat there. That made it worse.

I couldn’t tell how he felt. "Well?" I tried to see how he felt about me now. He took me by the hand, "I don't care. Whatever you did is in the past and it may not have been your fault, but I still love you and will still love you forever." Wow! I felt a lot better. No one other than God had ever loved me like that.

We spent more and more time together and we got to know each other more everyday. Telling him left me free to enjoy more time with him and not worry so much. It soon became obvious to us and to many of our friends that we were "meant to be." Many people asked us if we were going to get married right after we graduated. I would have liked nothing better, but we didn't plan on getting married until at least halfway through college. That was what our parents expected of us. They didn’t think we could handle college married. They thought we were too young. At times we agreed and looking back we were. We loved each other very much. We spent as much time together as we could. Sometimes we were even alone together. At first this was alright, but soon temptation came sneaking in.

“Touch here. Kiss there. It's alright. You love each other. You're going to get married as soon as it would be alright with your old enough. You know your age and your parents are the only things holding you back. Besides you would never go all the way.” We should have figured out that if we were too young to get married than we were also too young to deal with the things that go along with marriage, but we gave in a little at a time. This time it felt different. I loved him. At that moment it seemed right. But then it was over. The temptations were gone, but they were replaced with guilt. On the way home I started crying softly. Josiah pulled off the road and tried to comfort me. We sinned. How could we let this happen? Tears formed in Josiah's eyes too. He never meant to hurt me and it hurt him to see me cry. He apologized, though I insisted it wasn't his fault. I thought it was mine. I'd been through this before. I knew it was wrong. I felt that I had talked him into it. I took his innocence. I apologized. He said it was as much his fault as mine. We prayed for forgiveness. “It would never happen again.”
We were wrong. I often heard it said, "You can't make a clock run backward." Its so true. That scene was played over and over again as we sinned again and again each time going farther. We knew we should break up at least for a little bit, but we couldn't go one day without each other. My parents and I often argued about this. They thought we were spending too much time together and we needed a break, but I wouldn't listen. Then one fateful day it happened. We did what we swore we'd never do until we were wed. You can talk yourself into anything and we did. I felt embarrassed. I didn't know how to act around Josiah anymore. Things were different between us. I couldn't look my parents in the eye. I used to look on them with shame because I was conceived out of wedlock. Now I was committing the very same sin. We kept sinning. We couldn't stop. It felt good to be with him at the time, but the guilt afterward was almost unbearable. That was one of the worst feelings in my life. I couldn't count the times we agreed that if it happened again we would break up, but neither of us could break the others heart and do that. We had already vowed to each other and to God that we would be man and wife for the rest of our lives and love each other only, but there w
ere no witnesses and no official person presiding over a ceremony. We weren't really married. That wouldn't happen for a while because our families would never approve of our marrying so young, besides we had plans.

My spiritual life suffered the most. God felt distant. I couldn’t see how he could forgive after all the many times I had committed the same sin and then asked forgiveness. My church attendance started slipping first. I stopped going on Sunday nights and for Sunday School. On Wednesdays I went to Josiah’s church to avoid those Christians I knew. Sunday mornings I just showed up with a closed heart. During a service I recall going to the altar. I just sat there. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t cry. I sat there trying to find out how I had gotten myself into this mess. An adult friend, April, came to pray with me. Soon I had told her what happened and she told us to talk. We found a quiet spot in the church and sat. I’m not sure how Josiah felt. He just sat there and hardly said a word. I think he asked me why I told April. I felt I could trust her, He did not. He spoke very little the next few days. I felt terrible. I thought I must have made another mistake. All Josiah would tell me was that he’d get over it. Subconsciously I started thinking that things would be better if we just went back to committing the same sin, then we would be better. Only at that point we no longer called it sin.

Graduation was the first Saturday in June. It was an emotional event. We had all been in a hurry to get to this night, but now we realized that we would never see most of our friends again. The ceremony was held on the high school football field. When the ceremony was over Josiah and I tearfully said goodbye to our friends and promised to stay in touch. Our parents met us on the field and gave us their congratulations. As our parents talked to each other about the party we were having afterward, Josiah wrapped his arms around me to ask if I would do him a favor and wear something for him. I asked him what that was. He pulled a diamond ring from his pocket. "Will you marry me?" I was so happy I almost forgot to answer. Three of our parents looked on and smiled. My mom was oblivious. She came up to us three times during that short conversation to arrange rides home and missed it all. When she realized what was going on, she smiled and asked my dad if he had known. He said, "Yeah, he asked my permission yesterday." His only stipulation was that we had to wait until after college. I excitedly showed my whole family and Josiah's the ring that night at our graduation party.

Although we tried we could not resist the temptation. We tried not to be left alone, but we did not want to be apart. We promised each other that we would break up if it happened again, but neither of us could break the others heart. One afternoon shortly after graduation I laid on Josiah’s bed thinking. “I hate having to leave him every night. Maybe if I got pregnant they would let us get married now. I can’t wait 4 more years.” How naive of me! I would soon find out what that really meant.

We started to notice how I was acting different lately. I was getting upset more than usual and just seemed different. Before my period was even supposed to start I thought I was pregnant. We worried for days before my period was late enough for me to take a test. We bought a home pregnancy test and went to his parent's house one weekday afternoon while his parents were at work. The results were clear. I was pregnant. It should have been expected since we hardly ever used protection, but it wasn’t. We were too embarrassed to buy any. We lived in such a small community the cashier would most likely have known us.

Josiah held me and tried to tell me everything was alright. I’m not sure if he really believed that himself. I couldn’t tell you all the things that ran through my mind. How could we have let this happen? There was worry. How would we take care of a baby? What about our plans for college? There was shame. Now everyone would know of our sins. There was guilt. I had often thought our parents would let us marry if I was pregnant. I sometimes hoped I would become pregnant. Now I was. How could I have been so stupid? Who could I turn to? Who could help us through this? Josiah and I couldn’t do this on our own. That Sunday at church I couldn’t stay in the service. I went outside for some air and to think. My grandmother thought this was strange and came out to check on me. Soon the whole truth came out. I learned something new about my grandma that day. She was human too. She told me that when she was pregnant with my uncle she was in high school. I never knew about that. My grandmother advised me to tell my parents. She said that they would be upset, but they’d love me anyway. That was easier said than done.

I told my parents that night. My dad stopped talking. He didn’t start again for weeks. My mom on the other hand didn’t stop talking. She was asking the same questions I was. How are you going to pay for a child? How are you going to attend college? I still didn’t know. I mentioned getting married. My parents didn’t seem to like that idea. Being single I was covered under my parents insurance. If we got married we wouldn’t have any insurance. I needed Josiah. They didn’t seem to help answer any of my thousands of questions. As a matter of fact I felt worse. They thought we should tell Josiah’s parents and get together to discuss things. Josiah and I decided he should tell them the next day when I was at their house. He put it off until it was almost time for him to take me home. His father went to shower and his brother wasn’t there so Josiah held me tight, bracing himself as he told his mom. “WHAT?!” Then silence. She asked a few questions, but most of the time it was awkward silence. She left the room to tell his dad. Josiah gave me gentle squeeze. We didn’t see his dad that night. Josiah took me home. Our goodnight was a little shorter that night. I think that night has affected Josiah to this day.
A few days later everyone met at my parents’ house. There was an odd feeling in the air, but no one mentioned the baby. Josiah and I went off together to avoid the feeling and to try to figure things out. The only thing we knew for sure was that we loved each other and we needed each other to make it through this. We decided to go forward with our plans to attend college 6 hours from home. We thought this would help ease the feelings between us and our parents as well as farther our education. The summer was long. I felt constantly alone when I was away from Josiah. His parents wanted us to get married right away, but again my parents felt we needed to stay single to pay for the bills. I was on the side of his parents, but we put it off temporarily. When we left for college, all our families knew and a few people in his church had already alienated us.
At first college was a bit of a relief. We did have to deal with those who knew and often judged us. No one on campus knew us. We saw each other every spare minute we had between classes and work study, but the nights were ever so lonely. I often cried myself to sleep. We sought advice from our advisors about getting married. We were told that if we got married we could be kicked out of school. School was quickly becoming less and less of a relief. We weren’t supposed to have a car, but since I was pregnant and the nearest hospital with prenatal care was in the next city, I was allowed to have one. This is what kept me there for the first semester. Josiah, who was normally at the top of his class got behind in his work. We were lead to believe that this school was a Christian school, but every day we saw evidence of the contrary. Every month there was a party celebrating those who chose a lifestyle contrary to what the Bible says is right. Most of the books we were required to read were along the same lines. The food was terrible. We rarely got to see each other and we were six hours away from family. The family who was quickly accepting the child that was on its way and reaccepting us. Homecoming was one of the worst nights. All the girls in my dorm were dressed in their pretty gowns and I was quickly outgrowing even my blue jeans. Josiah was unable to comfort me because he wasn’t allowed in my dorm and he had homework to do. He did the best he could over the phone.
We tried to find a church there. We tried one church that we could walk to, but it was a lot bigger than we were used to and we got lost in the crowd. Freshmen were not allowed to have cars on campus, but since I was pregnant and the nearest hospital was an hour away they let me keep one. Once I got permission for a car, we tried a church that was of the denomination we attended at home. We didn’t feel at home in this church either, mainly because we were the only young couple in the church. On the way there we passed a little chapel. Every time we passed it the thought of eloping passed through our minds. One of the things that stopped us was that we were told if we did get married that we would be kicked out of school unless we filled out some paper work beforehand and got approval from the college.
We made it through that semester. Josiah made it clear to everyone that he was very unhappy there and wasn’t returning. I took medical leave, but secretly wasn’t planning on returning either. Josiah enrolled in a technical school an hour from where his parents lived and commuted. I still lived with my parents. My parents had finally decided that we should get married, provided we could get government help to cover our medical bills. The day I was approved, Josiah, our mothers and I got together to plan our wedding. We would move in with my parents until the baby was born. That way if something happened in the day time my mom could take me to the hospital. Two weeks later we had a very small wedding. The only ones who were there were immediate family and grandparents (except for my dad’s parents who were in Florida). Although marrying Josiah was what I had wanted, during the wedding I felt that I was not allowed to feel happy. This feeling didn’t pass for months after the baby was born. We spent the weekend at my grandparents’ house since they were out of town. The wedding night was great even though I was eight months pregnant. For the first time I wasn’t burdened by guilt. Now all I could feel was our love for each other.
The next week was the baby shower. One of my aunts got in my face and yelled at me for not telling her about the wedding. I didn’t tell anyone. I tried to explain, but she kept yelling. Afterward both our mothers thought I was going to go into labor and made me go home and rest. All I heard was, “I can’t believe she would get in her face like that.” “You don’t yell at a pregnant woman like that.” and things like that. They called Josiah, who came home to care for me, but it was the next weekend that I went into labor. I was partially dilated on Thursday at my doctor’s appointment. I was having contractions on Saturday, but they weren’t painfully. We tried everything to speed up the process. We drove on bumpy roads and walked around Wal-Mart. They were five minutes apart, but still no pain. We went to the hospital anyway. They sent me home telling me to come back when it hurt. That evening when I went to bed my water broke. We packed everything and went back to the hospital. It still didn’t hurt until halfway to the hospital. Five hours later and only two cc’s of pain medicine later we had a healthy baby boy, Jaycen

To Be Continued...