AM I ALREADY DEAD?

Am I already dead?
Sometimes I dont know where I went wrong
I dont know where I am
Sometimes I dont understand what happened to ME
and how to find myself again
In my heart I'm different
In my soul I've changed
Who am I?
What am I doing here?
What is the purpose of continuing
If no one can feel what I DO have inside?
Am I dead?
Why wont I wake up from this horrible nightmare
called life?
I've tried the drugs
I've tried the therapy
and yet still I remain
an empty shell of who I once was
Somewhere inside me
there once was someone who knew how
to show people she loved them
They didn't have to question her feelings
and now thats gone
forever missing not ever to be found
There is no other way now
There is no other way OUT
How can I continue?
How can I go on?
The emptiness inside is echoing
the loneliness I feel
and no one can hear it but me
I try to tell them
I try to show
but somehow it's as if my words
just blow in the breeze
evaporating in the air as if never spoken
They can't hear them
they dont know
Am I really speaking?
Am I really saying anything?
Or is that too a figment of my imagination?
Are the words just in my head
where no one can hear them?
Maybe I'm already dead
Maybe this is my own private hell
Will I live here for the rest of my life
with the knowledge that no one can feel
my love for them?
Why is it so difficult?
I keep hoping one day I'll awaken
and my soul will live once again
but then I realize that never can be
because who I was will never exist
That person I once was is gone
forever disintegrated into nothingness
and the person I am now is empty
never to feel anything but pain
and loneliness
People tell me they love me
and I hear their words in my head
but what I'm feeling in my heart is different
I know now that I must be dead
This must be my punishment for my childhood
and the things I did as a kid
The reason I'm suffering now
And reliving that pain once again
There's no other explanation
for those memories to continue
except to remind me it's my fault
and I must learn to accept that
before I can move on
As long as I keep on fighting
as long as I quit giving in
then I'll forever be trapped
in this chamber of hell
and the punishment will continue
I must find in myself somehow
a way to accept
that I can not change
what I've done in the past
and give in to the realization
that it will always be there
and it will always be a part of me
When I can learn
to not be defiant
and I can remember that it IS my fault
then maybe one day
I will feel the release of this pain
and the torture will ease once again
Right now I'm doomed to live it
The feelings will always remain
For fighting the demons
is what I've been taught
and it's hard to turn back from that now
but in time maybe I'll figure it out
Maybe in time I'll learn to adjust
and maybe I'll be able to once again
just layback and close my eyes
and keep my heart in a shell
If I try NOT to feel it
if I can put it away
then maybe I can begin
to live and make others feel my love
I know its going to be hard
The box has been opened
The demon freed
and it's going to take all I have
to force it back to where it came
I know that the answer
is to reteach myself
that I am truly the one to blame
and when I can do that
he'll leave me alone
and this hell of my life
may never be the same.