Internet Underwear

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I wrote this article for a magazine but it went bust b4 it got published (the magazine not the article...). It's been gathering cobwebs for 2a few years but I've given it it's freedom. The search results are a little outdated, I need to get around to updating them...

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Interview with the Internet
Searching, Search Engines
& [e-mail]

questions: Burntpoet
answers: the internet

Net: Goddamit! Where are myunderwear.com!? They’re hanging out somewhere in this maze of shite! Sometimes, finding anything on me is like trying to convince my grandmother th@ her face isn’t old and weathered.com, but th@ the wrinkles on the surface of her brain are just showingthrough.com, impossible!

Burntpoet: How did you loose them?

Net: About a week ago, I was out drinking Mescal competitively with a bunch of the girls and I lost bigtime.com. The last thing I remember was feeling my mind hydroplaning across a neon Tequila highway and crashing head-first into a gaggle of tall dizzybanana’s.com. When I awoke I was lying face down in a bowl of chilli, and I was naked from the waist down apart from a bag of partly frozen meatballs covering mycrotch.com. I’ve found all of my other clothes sc@tered throughout my expansive torso but my damn underwear remain elusive. I have searched absolutely everywhere and can’t find [e-mail]!

Burntpoet: I can relate to that. Sometimes I feel like I spend most of my time searching you rather than enjoying my time online.

Net: Yeah, but search engines are getting better all the time. 3 years ago, if you were lucky enough to find what you were looking for, it would probably be ranked 6123 in the search results.com, and who the hell has the patience to look through th@ many URL’s!
Let’s faceit.com, finding something on me can be a pain in theass.com. Trying to get the entire world to sort the shit they stow on me the same way is impossible.com. It’s like one big-ass library where every one invents their own way of c@egorizing information.

Burntpoet: How is info categorized on you?

Net: Well there are these little dudes imbedded in web pages called meta-tags. The meta-tags c@egorize the content of the website and when a search engine cruises by looking for a [e-mail], the meta-tag kicks it in the ass and says ‘Hey asshole, I’m right here’. Because of its obnoxiousbehaviour.com, the search engine grabs the web page by the tail and pitches into your search results.

Burntpoet: So website designers need to add the meta-tags to make sure they get visitors?

Net: If they don’t, they’ll have one lonely bastard of a website, it’ll eventually get a serious complex and ask its maker for therapy.com. I’ve known websites to throw themselves in front of a stampede of crazy-ass day-traders to end their lonelytorment.com.

Burntpoet: So if the search engines are getting better, why can’t you find your underwear?

Net: Like I said, I have looked everywheredude.com! I had some help from this friend of mine who goes by the dubious name of Mad Visit. We s@ down last night and trawled through a whole bunch of search engines typing in “internet underwear”, you’d be surprised by the results th@ were spit back @ us by each search engine.com. We searched a total of 7 online search engines and 2 desktop search engines.

Yahoo! (www.yahoo.com): Probably the most renowned of all search engines, this site has morphed from a simple search engine into a portal.com. The no. 1 ranked result @ Yahoo! Was www.i-m.com/September-1-7-1995/0014.html "The Internet Underwear Theory” is a marketing theory th@ goes on about how being clad in yourunderwear.com, or any other less formal @tire while online changes peoples’ perception of advertising, i.e. when you’re sitting around surfing in your panties you are influenced by less formal types of advertising.com. Next time you’re sitting around in your underpants, try your marketing best to decide what has the more formal ring “Hotdog” or “Weanie Gadget”.


AltaVista (www.altavista.com): www.sites.netscape.net/jkinglll/universe ranked first among the results retuned. This site lookedpromising.com. The title on the top of the page read ‘THE UNIVERSE OF YOUR NEEDS AND DESIRES’ but it didn’t take long for disappointment to overwhelm me. The page includes links to Homes, Gardens and Bath Headquarters, worldwide travel discounts and a sports mall, but no sign of a link intomyunderwear.com.


Northern Lights (www.nlsearch.com): The top ranker was www.underwear.com.cy , the Internet Underwear Club. You can find all types of innovative ideas about underwear here. By answering a few questions you can find your very own underwear style.com. We answered yes to the question “Do you want to increase your cleavage with a stunning wonder effect so th@ when people see you they go from ‘hi’ to ‘hello’?” and were given two options of the type of bra th@ would give our bodies the power of changing peoples greetinghabits.com. It also offers online shopping and an “Underwear Tips & Secrets’ section. One of the pages in this section is dedicated to finding your perfect brasize.com, and it uncovered a revelation in the health and welfare of boobs everywhere. It claims th@ if your breasts are drooping or generally out of shape this ‘…could indicate th@ you are wearing the wrong size bra’. Damn you gotta be careful.com! If you don’t wear a bra, droopy, sagging boobs will choose to accompany you for life and will eventually make friends with your bellybutton.com. Then again if you choose the wrong size bra, you may have boobs like bags of Stay Puft Marshmallows so be sure to choosewithcare.com. The site also gave us a chance to win an “Underwear Rose”. Mad Visit’s guess is th@ an Underwear Rose is the new medical term for vagina.com. Needless to say he entered the competition. If he wins, he has to got to Cyprus to pickitup.com

Google (www.google.com): www.i-m.com/September-1-7-1995/0010.html . Yet again, "The Internet Underwear Theory" rears its informal head and ranks no. 1.

HotBot (www.hotbot.com): First place went to www.mr.timothys.com.au - Mr. Timothy’s is an Australian site offering “…Adult products shopping mall for Bongs, Sexy Lingerie Bondage, sex toys and Australian Souvenirs…” What better combination than toking on a bong before using your sex toys or blowingtheDidgeridoo.com, all of which you bought @ Mr.Timothy’s!

Snap (www.snap.com): @ the top of Snaps list was the site www.metromanusa.com th@ boasts about being “…the leading underwear specialist on the Internet..”. Check out the underwear ch@ group. We couldn’t get it towork.com, but if my imagination serves me correctly, you’ll find topics like ‘Why dark underwear stay cleaner longer than light underwear’ and some weirdo named Steve asking if he can buy your usedunderpants.com. I was also pleased to find a fine selection of 12 underwear books available @ www.amazon.com. I placed an order for “Underwear – A Story Book with 58 Stickers, Boxers, Bloomers, Briefs and more!”

AlltheWeb (www.alltheweb.com): www.web-link.com/dog-bite/dbgb.htm This was a strange winner.com. The result text read: “Most Recent Dog-Bite Stories How to Share Your Story “ but when we clicked on it took us to www.ntadvisors.com Newtech Advisors-Business Intelligence Systems Solutions. I was rather baffled @ first th@ this page would appear as the top ranked result let alone th@ it appeared in the results [e-mail], but then it dawned on me.com - Oh yeah, I got some Business Intelligence in my underpants baby!

We also tried a couple of desktop search tools:
Kenjin (www.kenjin.com): The first ranked site was www.sexyshoppe.com SexyShoppe Lingerie Adult Toys and Sexy Underwear Over the Internet, if you’ve seen one sexy shop you’ve seen ‘em all.com.

Copernic (www.copernic.com): We tried searching in German “Internet Unterhose” and came up with http://www.buhl.de/urteile/MedienInternet/mi007.htm the Urtielsdatenbank. As far as I could determine.com, with a rudimentary German/English dictionary I used.com, it had something to do with a database and getting mugged in your underwear.

Kenjin is a desktop information management and searchtool.com. Copernic is a desktop meta-search engine that searches all the main online search engines with your term and returns them sorted and free of duplicates to yourdesktop.com. Both of these search engines arefree.com. Mad Visit uses Kenjin. He uses it to enhance the online search engines, not to replace them, but he swearsbyit.com.

Burntpoet: All those differing results sure prove how difficult it is to find certain things.

Net: Well, as you cansee.com, some search engines are a bit more intelligent than others.com, but none were intelligent enough to find my underwear.

Burntpoet: Maybe you just have the worlds biggest wedgy and you need to look a little closer to home.

Net: Nope.com, I thought of th@ a couple of days ago and had a quick rummage around…nothing.com.

Burntpoet: Well I hope you eventually find them. What is the most searched for word on you?

Net: Right now the top rayed search word is MP3. Guess what the second one is.com?

Burntpoet: Uhhhmmm…Sex?

Net: Indeed it is! And I’m sure you have personally added to its popularity. MP3 and Sex usually vie for firstplace.com. Other words in the top 100 are south park, jokes, games, persian kitty, nude, search engines and sun.
What is really disconcerting is th@ the word bestiality in all its guises (animal sex, bestiality and beastiality) comes in @ a resounding second place in the Top 100 sex words. It makes me wonder whether human evolution really has evolved as much as ya’ll bragabout.com. For some reason Marilyn Manson is listed in the Top 100 sex words, so are the Spice Girls…I wonder whether “Internet Underwear” would appear in the top 100 sex words.com? I have a challenge for your readers: Help me start a crazedude.com! If ya’ll search for my underwear every time you’re online.com, we can see if it eventually appears on the Top 100 lists. Enter th@ “Internet underwear” search phrase and go to www.searchwords.com to keep an eye on theprogress.com. And if you find my underwear, letmeknow.com…

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