I'm beautiful!

When I was a child, Barbie dolls fascinated me. I loved them because through them you could become anyone you wanted to be, but I hated the fact that all of them were very much the same. Now as an adult I think about Barbie dolls and how you can change their outfits and they will fit any role you want them to play. But even though you can change and transform them idealogically they all have basically the same physical characteristics. They all are beautiful, sexy, and perfect to our modern day definitions of these words and they are exactly how society idealizes women should be.
When I saw beauty pageants all the contestants pretty much looked the same and very artificial just like Barbie dolls. Even though the contestants in the beauty pageant may all wear different outfits, they all have basically the same physical characteristics. They go through all kinds of trouble just to be “beautiful”. All you have to do is pop open a fashion magazine or turn on the television set and there you see what the ideal woman should be: a completely homogenized mixture of make-up, clothing, hairstyles and breast implants. Why does society have to transform women?
When I was 13 years old I moved to Puerto Rico from New Jersey. I was thrilled because I always dreamed of living on the island that as a child I fell in love with. But I got more than I bargained for. When I lived in the States I rarely wore dresses or make-up. I never really felt that I had to. I would wear baggy pants and shirts. I never did my hair or nails. I’d just tie my hair back into a ponytail and off to wherever I was going. But I learned that especially in Puerto Rico physical appearances are very important.
I was kind of freaked out on my first day of school because I had to get used to the idea of a dress-like uniform. But what really freaked me out was that all the girls my age had pounds of make-up on and looked like they were preparing for beauty pageants. I asked myself “What is it with women and the whole ritual of make up?” I never really understood that; I had worn make up before but I felt like my face couldn’t breathe in it. These girls had their hair set perfectly, matching accessories and backpacks, and they all looked pretty much the same. It was like I was stepping into a completely different world.
This was probably one of the toughest years of my life because I questioned everything that I was and had to be. I tried everything to fit in because I was basically an outcast. I was criticized and made fun of because I wasn’t like the rest of the girls. The pressure of trying to fit in to be like the rest of the girls was agonizing. That year I had lots of problems at school because I preferred not to be there. I would cut classes or pretend to be sick. All I wanted to do was stay home. Then I didn’t have to pretend to be sick because I got sick.
At first I got appendicitis and was hospitalized for about a week and eventually I became depressed. After I began school again I began to compulsively exercise and diet. I became an anorexic. For about 2 years I tortured myself and finally I realized that I had a problem and I accepted it and got help. I asked myself, “Why should I have to put up with this and hurt myself to be accepted?” “Why can’t they accept me as I am?” I learned a lot in those tough times but, most important, that I had to accept myself as I was and everyone else should as well.
Now I realize that I never had to transform who I was, but had to put my power into transforming the society around me. I understand those girls now, they were trying to be what society wanted them to be, what a woman should be, even if it cost them their individuality and uniqueness. Maybe they felt as much pressure as I did.