Love Hurts

Act I, Scene i:

JENN’S bedroom. Suddenly, the phone rings. JENN picks it up.

JENN: Hello? (realizes who it is, voice becomes slightly giddy): Oh, hi Chris!

CHRIS (over the phone): Jenn, we need to talk.

(Fade to black)

Act I, Scene ii:

The park on a sunny Saturday afternoon. The air is filled with the songs of birds and the laughter of children on this seemingly perfect day.

SCOTT: What is it, Vanessa?

VANESSA: Scott, I don’t think this is working out.

(Fade to black)

Act I, Scene iii:

A secluded school hallway, after practically everyone has left for the day.

AMY: You mean you want to break up with me? No, don’t! I swear, I can change. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it. Please, Josh, don’t leave me. I love you.

JOSH: Amy, I’m sorry. I love you too, but I have no choice. I have to break up with you. But it’s not your fault, okay?

(Lights on all couples)

ALL DUMPEES: How can you do this to me?!

ALL DUMPERS: I’m sorry, there’s nothing else I can do. It’s for the best.

ALL DUMPEES: But, what did I do wrong?!?!

ALL DUMPERS: You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not you, it’s me. And I promise,
no matter what happens, we can still be friends.



TABLEAU: The DUMPERS and DUMPEES are expressing their varying emotions immediately after the breakup. Some DUMPEES are in tears, with their heads in their hands, with the DUMPERS vainly and awkwardly trying to provide comfort, others are stalking away in fury, with the DUMPERS pleading for forgiveness. Still other couples are in such a state that they are unable to even look at each other.

Act II, Scene I: JENN’s bedroom
JENN is sitting on her bed, unkempt and hysterical. She is dressed in her pajamas, and surrounded by crumpled Kleenex, as sad songs play on her stereo. Photos of herself and CHRIS adorn her dresser. Suddenly, her best friend, SARAH, knocks on the door.

SARAH: Hey, sweetie, can I come in?

JENN (sniffs, and hesitates a bit): Sure.

SARAH (Slowly walks to JENN’s bed, taking in all the pictures of CHRIS, the general disarray, and, as she gets closer, her friend’s state of distress.):

SARAH: Jenn, honey, you can’t go on living like this….you haven’t left this room for five days straight. No boy is worth getting this miserable over. Come on, are you sure you don’t want to come to the mall with me and the girls?

JENN: (Bursts into tears): The mall?!?! That’s where we first kissed, right by the fountain! I remember it like it was yesterday, and now…..it’s all over, it’s gone.

SARAH: Oh, Jenn, you’ll get over Chris. You’re an awesome, nice person, and I’m sure a lot of guys would want to go out with you.

JENN: Sarah, you don’t understand! I loved Chris! I still love Chris! I don’t know what I’ll do without him!

(SARAH says nothing, but sits down on the bed next to JENN, hugs her friend, and rocks her gently, as she continues to cry).


Act II, Scene ii: CHRIS’ driveway

(CHRIS is alone, dribbling a basketball up and down the pavement. In an attempt to hide his sad feelings, he is pretending to be intensely focused on the ball. Enter MATT, stage left, on a bicycle).

MATT: Hey man, I heard about you and Jenn. How’d she take it?

CHRIS: She was devastated. But I had no choice, man. My parents are really hard-core Christians, and when they found out she was Wiccan, they kinda hit the roof. Man, I feel terrible. Jenn’s a great girl, and they wouldn’t even get to know her.

MATT: Dude, that’s too bad. Um, is there anything I can do?

CHRIS: No, that’s okay. I’d rather just be alone for awhile.

MATT (Mounts his bicycle again, says awkwardly): Well, okay, if you’re sure. But, if you ever wanna like, talk or anything, I’m here.

CHRIS: Thanks, man.

(Exit MATT, stage left, on bicycle. CHRIS resumes his furious dribbling, then shoots. The ball misses the net and rolls away. CHRIS sits down on the pavement, too upset to go after it).

CHRIS: SHIT!!! I just can’t win!!!! (Bursts into tears).


Act II, Scene iii: SARAH’s basement

(All the DUMPEES, DUMPERS, and their respective groups of friends are gathered in SARAH’s basement. Some are sitting on couches and chairs, others on the floor. There is a bewildered murmur among the crowd, as nobody knows exactly why they have been asked to come. Presently, SARAH motions for everyone to give her their attention, somewhat awkwardly.)

SARAH: Now, we all know why we’re here, right?

BOY #1 (Sheepishly gets to his feet): Uh, Sarah, I just came over to borrow your chem notes.

(SARAH rolls her eyes and hands the BOY a sheaf of papers. The BOY thanks her and leaves).

SARAH: Okay, does anyone know why I asked you all to come over?

GIRL #1 (standing up and speaking for herself and her friends): Well, we’ve all been really concerned about Amy. Ever since Josh broke up with her, she’s been really upset. All she does is sit at home, crying and throwing darts at old pictures of him.

BOY #2 (uncertainly follows suit): Uh, I’m kinda worried about—I mean, WE’RE all kinda worried about our friend, Scott. See, his girl Vanessa dumped him last week, and now he doesn’t wanna skate with us, or shoot hoops, or go cruise for chicks, or even just hang out. I mean, I just got a Playstation 2 for my birthday, and he’s wanted one for MONTHS, but when I asked him to help me test-drive it, he just said, “uh, maybe later.” We practically had to physically drag him over here!!!

VANESSA (interjects, gets up, and turns toward SCOTT): Yeah? Well, I only broke up with you because things looked a LITTLE too touchy-feely between you and your “cousin” at the movies last Friday. After that night, I was so upset, I spent a week holed up in my rec room since the breakup, bawling my eyes out and eating Doritos, and, it was like, murder on my complexion!

SCOTT (now angry, stands up, moves toward VANESSA): What do you mean? My family’s just close!!! Just because you’re an ice princess doesn’t mean I can’t show a little affection towards my beloved cousin. So what if she happens to be a swimsuit model?!?!

(VANESSA, now absolutely livid, moves toward SCOTT, looking as though she wants to knock out his teeth).

SARAH (moves between VANESSA and SCOTT, trying to prevent a fight): All right, all right. A lot of our friends have been going through really painful breakups these days, and we’re all very worried about them. Does that about sum it up?

EVERYONE (Ad lib): Yeah, that’s about it….Yup……Uh-huh, etc. (VANESSA and SCOTT now refuse to even look at each other.)

BRITTANY (sarcastically): Well, yeah, but what are WE supposed to do about it, huh? As long as there are guys and girls, there’ll be love, and as long as there’s love, there’ll be pain and heartbreak. What do you wanna do about it? (snorts) Separate guys and girls onto two different planets, like that stupid book my mom bought at a garage sale and never shuts up about, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? There’s no way THAT’S gonna happen. It’d like, totally defeat the purpose of this new Armani miniskirt I just bought. (Smoothes her outfit, flips her hair, and checks her compact mirror to see if her make-up looks all right)

ALL GUYS (Ad lib, whistling and cat-calling): Yeah, Brittany!!!….Right on sister…..Hey, you free on Saturday?, etc.

(Fade to black)

Act III, Scene I: City Hall in the year 3002

Solemn music plays in the background, as the TOWNSPEOPLE, all dressed in futuristic, Jetson-like attire, sit silently in neat rows, waiting for the ceremony to begin. Presently, the MAYOR gets up onto the stage, walks to the podium, and addresses the people.

MAYOR (Motions for TOWNSPEOPLES’ attention): This town meeting will now come to order! In light of the recent rash of failed relationships and ensuing emotional trauma, we have decided that drastic action must be taken. Now, it has never before come to this, but my colleagues and I (nods towards a group of men in black suits), feel that it is necessary to implement a plan that a brilliant young lady by the name of, uh, Brittany, suggested some thousand years ago. Thanks to the wonders of technology, which, even way back in the olden days, enabled governments to constantly scrutinize their citizens, we have a come up with a way to end the infernal heartache of the infinitely bittersweet emotion known as “love.” Roll the tape! (Two of the black-suited men appear minutes later, with an “ancient” TV and VCR from 2002. They blow the dust off, and with some difficulty, hook the unit up. They pop in a tape, and instantly, BRITTANY’s speech from 1000 years ago appears on the television screen.)

MAYOR: There you have it! Whether she realized it or not at the time, young Brittany here has discovered the secret to a perfect society! Henceforth, all male citizens will be relocated to the planet Mars, and all female citizens to the planet Venus. At the rate we’re going, I estimate we were going to have to evacuate Earth within the next decade or so anyway, because of the frightful level of pollution! As for Brittany, may her name be immortalized in history forever! Meeting adjourned.

TOWNSPEOPLE (Ad lib, as they all begin to head for the exit): What’s this guy thinking?….Will it work?….This is crazy, etc.

YOUNG GIRL: But, he’s just resorting to a quick-fix, Band-Aid solution! Segregating genders won’t solve our problems! Hasn’t anyone ever read Shakespeare? “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

MOTHER (angrily): Young lady, I thought I told you to stop reading that garbage! Now, come along! Pack up all your things so we can start our new, utopian life, far away from your unmotivated schlub of a father! (Drags her daughter toward the exit, along with the remainder of the crowd, despite her continued protest.)

(Fade to black)

Act IV, Scene I: Venus, 100 years later:

(Three young Venetian girls, named ATHENA, PANDORA, and APHRODITE, aged six, twelve, and fourteen respectively, dressed in shimmering silver outfits, play with robots and other high-tech electronic toys in their futuristic living room. A framed portrait of BRITTANY hangs over the “fireplace,” which is actually a hologram. Enter PRIMARY CAREGIVER #1 and PRIMARY CAREGIVER #2).

P.C. #1: Girls, the time has come to talk about something very serious. I want you to listen well. (ATHENA, APHRODITE, PANDORA, and both P.C.’s assemble on the sofa).

P.C. #2: Yes, we know they teach this stuff in school, but we feel we’d be doing you a disservice to make you wait until they decide you’re “old enough.” It’s time you knew the facts of life.

ATHENA: You mean, like, where babies come from?

P.C. #1 (slightly embarrassed, chuckles): Yes, Athena, “where babies come from.” Now, as you know, in the days before our government finally acted upon the counsel of the great Brittany, a teenage genius who changed the world forever, men and women would spend time together, get to know each other, fall in love, have sexual intercourse, and, after nine months in the woman’s uterus, an offspring would be born. But now that romantic love has been abolished, in order to prevent the horrible feelings it can create when it fails, the human race has had to find new ways to procreate.
(Fade to black)


Act IV, Scene ii: ISIS’ lair

ISIS is hard at work, turning out another batch of humans, as the PRIMARY CAREGIVERS explain to their young charges the wonders of life.

P.C. #2 (voiceover): Yes, nowadays, human life is created by the great goddess, Isis. She uses her magical clay to sculpt the perfect numbers of adults and children, and brings them to life with an incantation. Once these people have been created, they are divided into pods of between three and five; two Primary Caregivers, and one, two or three children. The goddess then uses another spell to give the adults instant intelligence and wisdom, and the children are allowed to develop naturally.

ISIS (Adds a head to a clay sculpture, sets it down along with the dozen or so others, then waves her arms, and recites her incantation): Wild winds howl and water splash, fire burn and lightning flash! Earthquakes tremble, thunder crash, hearts feel joy and fear and strife, give these rigid statues life!

Instant darkness, strobe light, thunder and lightning crash as people (crouched behind the statues), gradually stand up, stretch their limbs, and blink in confusion. Strobe light stops, STAGEHANDS remove statues, gradual fade to light. The newly formed girls and women now explore their brand-new territory, bewilderedly staring all over the place, sniffing the air, and putting out their hands for balance.


Act IV, Scene iii: A typical suburban kitchen on Mars.

Two male P.C.’s are attempting to tell a young boy, aged about thirteen, the facts of life. Like in the Venetians’ household, a framed portrait of BRITTANY hangs on the wall.

P.C. #1: Now, everyone knows the story of how the famed Brittany’s brilliant insight led to the creation of a new, perfect, society in which males and females live in complete isolation from one another. But, we feel that it is time you knew exactly where you fit into all this.

HERMES: Is this going to turn into, like, a sex talk or something?

P.C. #2 (scoffs): Sex? Hermes, where did you hear that revolting word? Yes, sex was the old way, the disgusting, messy, emotionally-charged way. But now, our kind has devised a much cleaner, simpler way to create life.

Act IV, Scene iv: PROFESSOR CEREBRUM’S lab

PROFESSOR CEREBRUM is holed up in his dingy lab, dressed in a white coat. In the centre of the room is a large, complicated-looking “machine,*” (*large, painted cardboard box will suffice) covered with buttons and dials.

P.C. #2 (voiceover): See, Hermes, the old-fashioned, sweaty rolling around in bed known as “sexual intercourse,” has long since been replaced by Professor Cerebrum’s new, computerized device that creates people exactly to his specifications. Not only has this method eliminated all those horrible birth defects like Down’s Syndrome and cerebral palsy, it also put an end to arguments between husbands and wives over who pays child support after they inevitably get divorced.

PROFESSOR CEREBRUM (Types on keyboard hooked up to the machine): Male, blond hair, blue eyes, six feet even. (Loud electronic beeping, person who fits that description comes out a door in the side of the “machine,” looking bewildered.

HERMES (confused, voiceover): Husbands and wives?

P.C. #1 (voiceover): Yes. See, before the world crossed over to this new and better way of living, males and females would actually LIVE together, and press up against one another to, uh, “make babies.” It caused both parties much physical and emotional pain, especially when the offspring came unwanted. I frankly don’t see why we didn’t switch to the New Order of Things centuries earlier! Now, does that clear things up a bit?

HERMES (still confused): Uh, yeah, I guess so.

(Fade to black)

Act IV, Scene v: ATHENA, APHRODITE, and PANDORA’S bedroom on Venus

It is midnight. The girls are in their beds, and although they are supposed to be asleep, they can’t help talking amongst themselves about the strange discussion they had with their Primary Caregivers earlier that day.

PANDORA: Athena? Aphrodite? Are you awake?

ATHENA: Yeah, we are. What is it, Pandora?

APHRODITE: Have you been thinking about what the P.C.’s told us?

PANDORA: How did you know?

APHRODITE: Well, I’ve been thinking about it too. You know, when P.C. #1 got all serious like that, I thought I was busted for sure. Actually, I’m not sure how much longer my secret’s safe.

ATHENA: What do you mean, Aphrodite?
APHRODITE: You girls promise you won’t tell? (ATHENA and PANDORA get out of their beds, and both sit on APHRODITE’s bed, which is in the middle. All three girls put out their little fingers in a three-way pinkie swear.)

APHRODITE (pulls a magazine from under her mattress): Okay, here it is is.

ATHENA and PANDORA both ooh and aah over APHRODITE’S obviously contraband acquisition, in a mixture of wonderment over the strange images in the magazine, and fear of getting caught with it in their possession.

ATHENA (uncertainly): Um, Aphrodite? What are these strange people?

APHRODITE (hardly able to contain her excitement): Athena, Pandora, these are MALES!!! None of our kind have ever seen one up close, ever since The New Order of Things was established. Imagine living with males, together, in the same household, going to school with males, hanging out and going to parties with males, turning on the TV and seeing males—I saw them on the Discovery Channel once, but then the P.C.’s caught me and blocked that channel.

ATHENA (confused): But, why would you want to be around those—things? They look so goofy!

APHRODITE: No they don’t! (blushes) I think they look…..handsome. (giggles)

PANDORA: You know, I just had the craziest thought……what if that girl Brittany wasn’t such a genius after all? What if we were meant to live on the same planet as these creatures, and have, you know, not pods exactly, but groups of males and females who live together in the same houses? You know, where an adult male and female get together, fall in love, and make their babies like they did way back when. You know, by (whispers) making love. I wonder what love feels like. I’d sure like to see for myself.


APHRODITE (horrified): Pan, are you crazy? I bought this at an antique comic book store last month because I was curious, and it looked so…..weird. Oh, geez, how do I explain this to you girls so you’ll understand? Wait, I know, you both like watching fantasy movies, right?

ATHENA: Yeah

PANDORA: Well, yeah, I like fantasy movies, but Aphrodite—

APHRODITE (interrupts): See? You both like fantasy movies, but you wouldn’t like it if strange creatures like unicorns, dragons, and centaurs really existed! That’d take away the whole element of FANTASY!!! It’s better this way. The males have their planet, we have ours. And I say Isis bless Brittany for that!

PANDORA (indignantly, gets off the bed): Aphrodite, how can you say things like that? I don’t think males are “strange creatures!” And I don’t think love is such a bad thing either. I wish we weren’t off in our own little world, protected from all of life’s little emotional bumps and bruises. You know, from what I’ve heard, I think love could be a beautiful, exhilirating experience!

APHRODITE (stands up): Pandora, be quiet! You’re going to get us in trouble!

PANDORA (now angry): Aphrodite, why are you being like this? Do you really want to keep living this life, in your little bubble, never experiencing anything? I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to Mars! Keep an eye on Athena, okay? I’ll be back in the morning. And, whatever you do, DON’T TELL THE P.C.’s!!!

APHRODITE (feels her anger turn to fear): Well, okay, I won’t tell. I guess it is my fault for showing you the magazine. Just—just don’t get yourself killed, okay? I kinda like having you as a pod-mate. APHRODITE hugs PANDORA goodbye.

PANDORA (bends down to stroke the now-sleeping ATHENA’s hair): Bye, sweetie. I’ll see you in the morning…..don’t tell the P.C.’s where I went, okay?
Exit PANDORA, stage left.

(Fade to black)

Act IV, Scene vi: The Launch Pad

PANDORA (gets into the family spaceship, straps herself in, and fiddles with the dials on the dashboard): I know I’m not supposed to fly this thing until I’m sixteen, but it’s the only way! I have to find out what this mysterious thing they call “love” is all about!

(Fade to black. Turn on strobe light and sound effects)

Act V, Scene i: PANDORA’s landing on Mars

PANDORA lands the spaceship very inexpertly. With a clatter, the craft hits the ground just outside HERMES’ house. Stray parts fly everywhere. Hearing the noise, HERMES comes out of his house to see what happened.

PANDORA (shakily): H-hello? You—speak—English?

HERMES: Yeah, I speak English. But, what are you? And what are you doing here?

PANDORA (taken aback): What am I? I’m—I’m a girl. My name’s Pandora. You must be a—(whispers) a male!

HERMES: Yup. I’m a male. A boy. My name’s Hermes. This is the first time I’ve ever seen a female this close. Except for that portrait of the (scoffs) “Great, almighty Brittany” in the kitchen. Everyone and their pod-mate has one. Other than that, you can only see them in antique magazines around here, and we’re not supposed to even have them anymore.

PANDORA: Same on my planet. My pod-mate, Aphrodite, has this really old magazine with pictures of males in it, that she keeps hidden under her mattress. That’s the only other place I’ve ever seen them. Which reminds me, my P.C.’s don’t even know I’m here.

HERMES: Yeah, mine are asleep too. Hey, do you need some help fixing your spaceship? I got an “A” in shop. Only, we can’t make too much noise!! (gestures towards the house, where his P.C.’s are sleeping).

PANDORA (Both intrigued by HERMES’ appearance and grateful for his kind offer): Sure, thanks! If I’d known you males were so nice, I’d have snuck over here long ago!

HERMES: You know, you females aren’t so bad either!!

PANDORA and HERMES begin working amicably together, rounding up the parts and slowly getting them attached in the right places, by trial and error. Presently, they finish the job. PANDORA puts the key in the spaceship’s ignition, and it makes a satisfying revving sound.

PANDORA (Looks at her watch): Oh, gee, thanks, Hermes, but I’d really better be getting home now. I promise I’ll come see you again, though, okay?

HERMES: Don’t go yet! I mean, it was so nice meeting you. There’s still enough time to grab a grape Fizzium at the SuperSonic Diner!

PANDORA (surprised and pleased): You have Fizzium here, too? That’s my favourite!! Okay, what the heck. Let’s go!! (HERMES and PANDORA get into the spaceship and set off once again.)

(Fade to black, strobe light, and sound effects)

Act V, Scene ii: The SuperSonic Diner

PANDORA and HERMES are sitting at a table with two chairs, enjoying their Fizziums. The waiter can’t help staring at PANDORA, as he has never seen a female in his life.

HERMES: Don’t mind the ol’ soda jerk, okay? It’s just that he’s never seen anyone, you know—like you. (Gazes, spellbound, into PANDORA’S eyes)

PANDORA: Aww, that’s okay. You know, Hermes, I had a really great time tonight. I’m glad I didn’t listen to Aphrodite. She’s nice and all, but she’s terrified of you guys.

HERMES (reaches across the table to hold PANDORA’S hands): Well, you know, I’m glad you didn’t listen to her too. Pandora, I know we’ve only known each other for a few hours, but you’re like no other person I’ve ever met. You’re sweet, and smart, and beautiful….I feel all funny and giddy and floaty, like there’s butterflies in my stomach. I think this is what my P.C.’s meant when they told me about “love.” Pandora, I think I love you.

HERMES and PANDORA gaze fondly into each other’s eyes for an interminable moment. Then, suddenly, they begin to kiss, hesitating at first, but then enjoying it.

PANDORA (suddenly, panicking): Great Isis!! Look at the time!! Hermes, I’m sorry, but I really have to get back to Venus now. I told Athena and Aphrodite I’d be home by morning.

HERMES: Don’t leave me! I love you!

PANDORA: I love you too. But I have to go now, okay? I’ll come visit you again, I promise. I’ll never forget this night.

PANDORA and HERMES embrace each other, then PANDORA gets back into her spaceship, to head back to her home planet.

(Fade to black, strobe light, and sound effects)

Act VI, Scene i: Back Home on Venus

PANDORA lands the spaceship again, this time on her own launch pad. Luckily, this time, she manages to land the craft without problems. Presently, ATHENA and APHRODITE run out to meet her, still dressed in their pajamas, delighted that PANDORA has returned unhurt, without the P.C.’s seeing. They embrace her, and then proceed to pepper her with questions.

APHRODITE (excitedly): So, did you see one? Did you see a male? Was he as handsome as the ones in my magazine?

ATHENA (warily): Pan, you didn’t pick up any strange diseases from the males, did you? (Examines Pandora up and down with her eyes)

PANDORA (laughing mysteriously): You girls wouldn’t believe me if I did tell you…..

ATHENA: Tell us! Tell us!!!

APHRODITE: Yeah, tell us, Pandora.

PANDORA (giggles): Well…..(pauses to look at her pod-mates, who can hardly contain their excitement) I saw a male all right. I met the most wonderful male. His name’s Hermes, he helped me fix the spaceship when I crashed, and then we went for a Fizzium. He was so handsome and nice and—Athena, how do you know I went to Mars?

ATHENA (sheepishly, looking at the ground): Um, well, when I woke up and your bed was empty, I freaked out, like, GREAT ISIS, PANDORA’S BEEN KIDNAPPED!!!! But then, before I could scream, Aphrodite put her hand over my mouth, and told me where you’d gone, and made me SWEAR not to tell anyone. Don’t worry, Pan. I can keep this a secret.

PANDORA (raises her eyebrows): You SURE?!?! Remember the time you “accidentally” told the P.C.’s what we were getting them for Christmas?

ATHENA (insulted): That was a long time ago, when I was a little kid!! Pandora, I swear, I’m all grown up now and I can keep a secret.

PANDORA (doubtfully): You’d better keep your lips sealed, or your Space Ranger Sally doll gets it!

ATHENA (horrified): No, not Sally!! Okay, I’ll be good.

PANDORA: All right then. So, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. After the Fizzium, I got this weird feeling inside, like my heart had wings, and it was fluttering like mad inside me, and it was like I was in this wonderful, magical dream, and I didn’t ever want to wake up. Then, me and Hermes…..we (whispers) We KISSED!!!

APHRODITE & ATHENA (amazed): Oooh!!!!

ATHENA (confused): Pandora, what’s “kissing?” What does it feel like?

PANDORA: Oh, it’s wonderful!! I can’t even describe it, I wish everyone could experience it.

Suddenly, the P.C.’s come outside and see the girls standing there talking, still in their pajamas.

P.C. #1: What are you girls doing out here? Athena, Pandora, Aphrodite, come inside at once, before you catch a chill!! (shoos ATHENA and APHRODITE into the house)

P.C. #2 (stops PANDORA as she tries to follow her pod-mates inside): Pandora, you’ve got some explaining to do!! I came into your girls’ room last night to check on Athena, and I found your bed empty!! I almost called the police. WHERE WERE YOU?

P.C. #1: Yes, where were you? I was going to go looking for you, but you’d taken the spaceship. Underage, and in the dead of night. What were you thinking?

PANDORA (furious): It’s none of your business where I went!!

P.C. #2 (also furious): Yeah? Well, when one of our charges sneaks off and goes flying around the galaxy in the wee hours of the morning, it IS our business!! We were really worried about you.

PANDORA (sighs): Okay, I’m sorry. P.C. #1, P.C. #2, you’re the best Primary Caregivers I could ask for, but—

(Fade to black)

Act VI, Scene ii: HERMES’ house on Mars

HERMES and his P.C’s are sitting at their kitchen table, having a similar discussion.

HERMES (reluctantly): You see, last night, I met the most amazing female, from Venus. She just crashed her spaceship outside my bedroom window, and she looked so lost, and scared, and vulnerable. I had to help her, I just had to. But then, well, we just hit it off, and—

(Light on both HERMES and PANDORA and their respective P.C.’s)

HERMES & PANDORA (unison): I think I’m in love.

BOTH P.C. #1’s (unison): No!! Not love!! You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into!!

HERMES & PANDORA (unison): I’m sorry, it just happened!! But it was the most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life!!

BOTH P.C. #2’s (unison): But it’s too dangerous!! Do you think the government spent all those years developing The New Order of Things so you could break the rules and go gallivanting around at night, with people of the opposite sex?!?! Have you no respect for the great Brittany?

HERMES & PANDORA (unison): Brittany? She was just a blonde bimbo who didn’t understand love. And neither do either of you!!!

TABLEAU: HERMES and PANDORA are both facing their shocked P.C.’s in rage, vainly trying to make them understand the wonders of love.

(Fade to black)

Act VI, Scene iii: The SuperSonic Diner on Mars, the next night

HERMES and PANDORA have both snuck out of their houses, and are meeting on the sly. They both have backpacks with them, because they are planning to elope.

HERMES (anxiously): So, do we have everything?

PANDORA (checks): Yeah, but we gotta travel light. Once we get to wherever we’re going, we can always buy anything else we need.

HERMES: Pandora, are you sure you want to go through with this? What if we get caught?

PANDORA: Hermes, I love you so much, I would rather get caught right now than go an entire lifetime on boring, safe Venus, never having met you.

HERMES: I love you too, Pandora. Now, let’s go. Hurry, but don’t make too much noise. We don’t want the cops to find us.

HERMES and PANDORA pick up their backpacks and start to leave the diner. Enter two POLICEMEN.

POLICEMAN #1 (menacingly, staring at HERMES and PANDORA): So, what have we here?

HERMES (bravely): She wasn’t hurting anyone, Officer. And I wasn’t going to do anything to her, I promise!!

POLICEMAN #2: It looks like you’ve smuggled in a FEMALE!!!

PANDORA: No, Officer, he’s innocent. I came here on my own.

POLICEMAN #1 (sneers): Well, until the two of you are ready to be a little more truthful, you’re both under arrest for violating The New Order of Things!!! (Handcuffs PANDORA and HERMES, and drags them out of the diner.)

(Fade to black)

Act VI, Scene iv: Outside a prison on Mars

The morning after HERMES’ and PANDORA’S arrest, there is pandemonium outside the prison. Hordes of people are all yelling at once, carrying torches and picket signs. Half the crowd feels that the young couple should be freed, and half the crowd feels trepidation at this perceived threat to The New Order of Things. Enter MAYOR, stage right.

MAYOR: All right, settle down. Now, as you all know, a young man named Hermes was arrested last night, along with his illegal female companion, Pandora.

HIPPIE (furiously): Let the poor kids go already!! Come on, the heart wants what it wants. The world would be a better place if you allowed free love.

OTHER HIPPIES (chanting together in repetition): FREE LOVE!!! FREE LOVE!!!

The MAYOR starts to argue, but is soon interrupted by an enraged shout from the other side of the crowd.

EVIL OLD MILLIONAIRE (equally furiously): Those damn hoodlums can rot in there for the rest of their natural lives for all I care!! They broke the law, and threatened our perfect society!!! We must preserve The New Order of Things at all costs!!!

OTHER EVIL OLD MILLIONAIRES (chanting together in repetition): Preserve the New Order of Things!!

MAYOR (resignedly): Well, there’s only one way to resolve this. Let’s bring out the condemned, and see what they have to say for themselves.

PANDORA and HERMES, dressed in prison uniforms, walk slowly out of the jail, led by a GUARD.

MAYOR (to PANDORA and HERMES): I understand you’ve been arrested for the most serious crime of violating The New Order of Things. Is there anything you’d like to say in your defence?

PANDORA (looks around at the crowd, nervous at first, but gradually getting more confident): Yes, sir, there is.

MAYOR (irritably): Well, go on then.

PANDORA: Well, sir, over the past few days, I’ve learned some things. You see, it all started back on Venus, when my Primary Caregivers sat down with me and my pod-mates, Athena and Aphrodite. They told us about how the world is supposedly so much better now that love has been abolished, but is it really? I think that, by denying yourselves the opportunity to experience love, sure, you may be protecting yourself from potential heartbreak, but you’re also shutting yourself out from something so amazing, so beautiful, so awesome, I can’t even describe it to you. I admit that I was wrong to sneak out and trespass on your planet, but in doing so, I met the most wonderful boy (gestures to HERMES), and I love him with all my heart. Now I know what this “love” I’ve read about in those old 20th century books is all about. And so do all of you, whether you’re willing to admit it or not. You know that feeling you get when you get home from work, and your dog runs to the door to greet you? Or, when you were little, and you skinned your knee, and your Primary Caregivers came running out to you with the Instant Healing Gun and made it better? Or all those nights you stayed up really late, talking and giggling with your pod-mates until your P.C.’s heard you and yelled at you to be quiet and go to sleep? That’s love too. Just a different kind of love. No matter what you do, there will always be love in the world, and there’s no way you can get rid of it. So, please, I beg you, don’t put us away. Let us be together, and while you’re at it, go out and see for yourselves. Then you’ll see just how happy we are, and how happy you can be, if you just let yourself love others, and let others love you.
For a moment, there is complete silence that is only broken by HERMES beginning to applaud PANDORA’s speech. Then the whole crowd breaks out into thunderous applause as well.

EVIL OLD MILLIONAIRE (moved by PANDORA’s speech): Let the kids go!!! FREE LOVE!!!!

ENTIRE CROWD (chanting together in repetition): FREE LOVE!! FREE LOVE!!!!

HERMES looks into PANDORA’s eyes for a moment and then kisses her, as the crowd continues cheering.

(Fade to black)

Act VI, Scene v: PANDORA’s living room, back on Venus

ATHENA, APHRODITE, and their PRIMARY CAREGIVERS are sitting on the couch, watching the gigantic plasma television. ATHENA is blissfully clutching her Space Ranger Sally doll, surprised and pleased that she has managed to keep PANDORA’s secret all this time. Suddenly, a late-breaking news report comes on.

NEWS ANCHOR: We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to take you to the front steps of the Upper Mars Correctional Facility for Young Offenders, where a mob of people have been won over by the eloquent words of a young female named Pandora. (TV screen shows PANDORA delivering the last few lines of her speech)

APHRODITE (shocked): Great Isis!!! Pandora’s on TV!!!

NEWS ANCHOR (continues): Late last night, just before midnight, a young male citizen by the name of Hermes was apprehended at the SuperSonic Diner for allegedly preparing to elope with his young female companion, Pandora, thus flagrantly violating The New Order of Things, a law that was enforced 100 years ago, which states that male and female citizens are to remain on their respective planets, in an effort to abolish the archaic, and extremely volatile phenomenon of “love.” Despite the fact that the young couple faces a life sentence for the threat they have posed to society, it appears that they do not regret their extreme actions at all.
P.C. #1 (defiantly): And neither do I!!!

APHRODITE, ATHENA, and P.C. #2 all turn and stare at P.C. #1 in amazement.

ATHENA (in disbelief): You mean, I kept Pandora’s secret all this time, and you’re not even mad?

P.C. #1: No, I’m not mad at all. Look at Pandora. I’ve never seen her this happy. And, the way she stood up to all those people who want to see her put away forever, away from everyone who cares about her!!! I’m pretty proud of our little girl.

P.C. #2: You know, girls, we were wrong. There’s much, much more to love than pain and heartbreak. Love can complete you, and give your life meaning. It can make you see the world in a whole new light. And, when you love someone, you can be totally open with them, and tell them with your deepest, darkest secrets. If, even then, they still love you, then you know you’ve found your soul mate.

P.C. #1 (slightly baffled, scoffs): How’d you find that out?

P.C. #2 (embarrassed, chuckles): I, umm, kind of read a lot about love in all those contraband books I confiscated from Pandora and Aphrodite. But, right now, we’ve got to get to Mars and rescue Pandora before the mob gets out of hand. Oh, no!!! She took the spaceship again!!! Well, I guess I’ll have to call the Intergalactic Taxi Service.

(Fade to black)

Act VI, scene vi: Back in front of the prison on Mars:

(Turn on strobe light, smoke, and sound effects). ATHENA, APHRODITE, and their PRIMARY CAREGIVERS land just a few feet away from the hordes of people outside the prison, in an Intergalactic Cab. They pay the driver and get out of the car, to find that hundreds of other Venetian females have also appeared on the scene. They then push their way through the crowd, calling out Pandora’s name, until they get to the front of the crowd, and stand next to her.

PANDORA (sheepishly): Well, I guess you’ve found me. You must be pretty mad, considering I took the spaceship, and snuck over here again, even after you told me not to.

ATHENA (interjects): Pan, I swear, I didn’t tell! We were all just watching TV, and then, all of a sudden—Oh, you’re not going to do anything to Sally, are you? (clutches her doll protectively)

PANDORA (laughs): Of course not!! Come here, you!!!

ATHENA comes closer to PANDORA, who hugs her.

P.C. #1: Pandora, I want you to know that your behaviour was very dangerous, and, under normal circumstances, you would be grounded for at least a month. But, well, I have to say, we’re all pretty proud of you for taking a stand the way you did there. (sees HERMES) Oh, and this must be the Hermes we’ve heard so much about!!!

PANDORA (slightly embarrassed, but relieved as well): Yeah, this is Hermes. Hermes, these are my Primary Caregivers, and my pod-mates, Aphrodite and Athena.

HERMES politely shakes hands with PANDORA’s P.C.’s, and then with APHRODITE and ATHENA.

P.C. #2 (genuinely impressed by HERMES’ good manners): Well, Hermes, it was really nice meeting you, but we have to get Pandora home before—Great Isis!!! Look what’s happening!!!

HERMES, PANDORA, APHRODITE, ATHENA, and P.C #1 all turn to see the MALES and the FEMALES in the crowd in pairs (consisting of one male and one female), seeing one another for the first time, looking into one another’s eyes with the rapt infatuation of young lovers.

MAYOR (horrified, approaches podium again, yells pathetically, bangs gavel): Stop!!! You are all in violation of The New Order of Things!!! Your barbaric cross-gender fraternizing will destroy society!!!

TABLEAU (turn on red light and smoke): The MAYOR vainly continues to try to stop this show of unabashed affection, yet the couples in the crowd become even more intimate. Some couples are kissing, others are pressed together in provocative positions, and others are merely holding hands and gazing into one another’s eyes. At last, everything is as it should be.

(Curtain)