Personal Ponderings

"To be or not to be", I read this question asked by He. I took it out of context and applied it to me. What does it mean to be, or not to be? To be what?

Am I to be a good mother, to live every second, take every breath for my child? Am I to be an exemplary employee, making leaps and bounds for any given company? Am I to be a good Christian, confessing all my sins to a chosen few and then still be at fault in the eyes of God?

Most important, this question I posed and ponder long, led me to one final question all along. To be or not to be... "me?"

Who is this "me" I speak about?

Is this me a mother, employee, a Christian put on earth by God's unexplainable purpose? This mystery he hides from us, giving us life only to threaten to take it away. Is "me" an accumulation of all of these things or, does this "me" reside separate for one purpose and one purpose alone?

If it is for this one purpose that the "me" I speak about is separate from all, then what is this purpose? Is this purpose inner peace, knowledge of self? Is trying to find this "me" a form of selfishness?

I ponder these questions over and over, day and night, awake and unconscious my mind continues to light a torch in the search of "me."

There is something missing, could it be, that "me" does not exist? Will this hole in my soul always remain empty? Could it be, that I have somewhere inside, unbeknownst to my conscious mind where this "me" has made the choice,
not to be?

I will live life for the here and now and I know somehow, I will live forever wondering, what it means to be, or not to be, this "me" I speak about.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **