Part 43: Forgiveness

Note: This item has been rewritten and edited. All text in rose is BRAND NEW MATERIAL for this chapter of the story. In addition there are many minor changes to the original text itself. Please enjoy this new, expanded version of Part 43 and be on the lookout for updates to the next parts!


RESIKH, AS HAD Djuta, wasted a good part of his day doing not much in particular. He wandered away from Mahakhi's household and into the city, glancing at the stalls in the market and sighing to himself, unaware that not that far away Djuta was busy doing much the same thing. He had tried going to sleep, but his thoughts kept returning to how empty his bed was, with only him in it; as such he left in frustration, and had ended up here, not even sure what he hoped to accomplish. He furrowed his brow and shook his head whenever someone cried out to him about their goods for sale or trade, and eventually decided to just ignore them, though their shrill voices did try hard to pierce through his attention.

"Fresh beer! Freshly strained! Fresh for you, Brother!"

"You look like a decent soldier! Every decent soldier needs a good pretty Moru to return to after a long hard fight! Take a look, Lord! I bet she has a few fights in her herself...!"

"Nice ripe pomegranates! As bright and red as the sun! I will give you two for the price of one as you are one of Mahakhi-Kana's esteemed lieutenants! Yes...?"

Resikh merely chewed on his claw a little and tried to sort the thoughts in his still-aching head. The smell of beer made him wrinkle his muzzle in disgust and he turned away from the beer stalls, much preferring the Moru and fruit traders exulting over their own selections. He tried to distract himself from thinking about Djuta so much--judging by the look in the other lieutenant's eyes when they had run into each other, they would not be sharing the same bed any time soon--yet that thought merely led him to think about who else he had shared a bed with recently, and this thought made his look grow sour.

Tefkha. What in the Duat did I see in him? A barracks lieutenant! If Be'shen ever heard of this he would laugh his ass off at me. I could have at least let a real lieutenant drag me home...

And what was all of this 'We owe each other nothing' junk? He thinks I feel I owe him? If anything, he owes me! For acting like such a petty spiteful little brat and insulting me like that! All I wish to do is make it clear that I am not that kind of Kana, and he has to be so--vulgar!

I will never touch another drop of beer again, so long as it keeps me away from that louse! Nobody I have ever met has been so crass! Djuta would never have made such light of nesakh'ai...

Djuta...

He groaned to himself and rubbed his eyes with a wince. Wouldn't either of them just leave his mind...?

He finally thought to look up at where he was headed and halted in the middle of the street, gawking. The walls of the barracks area loomed up before him and he made an awful face, hearing the lieutenants yelling out their commands inside. He ground his teeth, feeling utterly foolish for having come this way--What am I going to do, check up on him like a jealous Moru?--but he was already here, and had nothing much else to do. If anything, he could at least distract himself watching the younger Kana train. He pushed at the great door and found it slightly open, and peered inside. The great open yard of the barracks was open to all the areas, and a good number of trainees were out, sparring and mock-fighting with each other. Their lieutenants paced back and forth in front of them, barking out orders, occasionally stepping among the ranks to push at someone or yell at someone else more loudly. Resikh even spotted Lieutenant Tefkha, apparently berating a sergeant who stood trying to position his sword properly in his hands, his eyes wet and a scowl on his face. Resikh made a face of his own. Tefkha didn't look to be in the slightest bit fazed by all the drinking they'd done the other night. How could he stand it...?

He sighed and started to turn away from the door, growing bored again, when he noticed a lone shape making its way out of one of the barracks buildings, and paused to turn back and see who it was. The way he carried himself--seeming somehow smaller and much less noticeable than everyone around him--made him seem oddly familiar, until he came close enough and Resikh could tell who it was. He backed out of the barracks yard, stepping aside and waiting until the Kana walked out, not even noticing him.

Private Ri'hus walked past, carrying a pack over his shoulder, his stare focused on the ground. He seemed preoccupied, his eyes heavy and distant; even his feet dragged in the dust, his tail hanging limp and his wings slumping dispiritedly. Resikh watched him go by, ear flicking, before turning and calling out to him.

"Private...?"

Ri'hus jumped and gasped, dropping his pack. Resikh blinked when the private gawked at him with wide eyes, then recognized him. He let out his breath and bent to retrieve his pack, slinging it over his shoulder and saluting hastily. Resikh saw his ears go pink.

"L-Lieutenant Resikh!" he stammered. "I...I didn't notice you, Lord. I'm sorry."

"Ri'hus," Resikh said, informally. "This is all right...I didn't mean to startle you." Ri'hus ducked again to pick up a few things that had spilled from the pack, and Resikh furrowed his brow in puzzlement. "I had hoped to see you training, actually. You're quitting for the day?"

Ri'hus's face went pink now and he shoved the belongings into his pack; Resikh spotted a dagger and a change of clothes among them. "I...s-something like that, Lord..." he murmured, almost unintelligibly. "I apologize...I'm not much to watch sparring..."

"Surely you've learned a few things," Resikh offered, but the private didn't answer him. He fastened his pack and stood scuffling his feet and staring at the ground as if he wanted to leave. Resikh frowned slightly, glancing at the barracks door, then back again. "You really are leaving the barracks for the day?" When Ri'hus nodded his puzzlement grew. "Why do you bring all your belongings with you then--? Surely they'll be safe one day...?"

"I..." Ri'hus's voice was papyrus thin; he coughed and scuffled his foot again. "Actually, Lord...I...I am leaving the barracks..."

He trailed off. Resikh stared at him for a moment before it began to sink in. "Permanently?" he asked; Ri'hus nodded and his frown grew. "They are still giving you trouble...?"

Ri'hus shook his head hastily. "No, Lord--nothing like that--ever since you spoke with the lieutenant there has been none of that." He lifted his head and warily met Resikh's eyes. "I...I never did get to thank you for that, Lord, though I did mean to..."

Resikh waved vaguely. "This is only what Tefkha should have done sooner. But if they are leaving you alone then why are you leaving the barracks? Surely this is a bit extreme so soon after...you need only keep up your training, and I'm sure you'll catch up with everyone else..."

"No, Lord, it's...it's a bit more than that..." Ri'hus trailed off again and then paused, biting his lip, as if contemplating whether to continue or not. After a moment he took a shaky breath and stood straighter, but didn't meet Resikh's eyes.

"I...I am leaving the tribe, Lord."

Resikh blinked. "The tribe...?" he echoed, perplexed.

Ri'hus nodded. He started to shrink in on himself again, unable to maintain his posture. "I have already spoken with Lieutenant Tefkha...he says I must speak with Lord Mahakhi, before I may go without being arrested as absent without leave..."

Resikh shook his head, still confused. "But--why would you leave the tribe? Private, any problems you have in the barracks, you need only tell me, and I--"

"It is not in the barracks," Ri'hus interrupted, looking pained. He fiddled with his pack strap. "It is..." Resikh fell silent as he struggled to try to think of the right thing to say, faltering a few times before taking in another breath. "My...my father...disowned me," he murmured at last, not meeting Resikh's eyes. "I...I have no funds to continue training with the Kana."

Resikh could only stare at him in silence for a moment or two, struck dumb. "Disowned you...?"

Ri'hus nodded. "Yes, Lord...after the trial. He...he said I was no longer his son and he would not continue to fund my training."

Resikh shook his head slowly. "But...why would he do this?" he asked softly. "You were the one who was attacked. You were the one getting such trouble in the barracks...why would he disown you for what somebody else did to you...?"

"He did not hear it that way," Ri'hus said, ears flicking. He winced slightly. "All he heard was...Lord Djuta and I were together, and...the other Kana too...I did not want him or anyone to know I was not willing and so...he called me in, and spoke with me, and told me that he would not have a sen'akhai in the family, that all I have done is embarrass him. He told me I would move out and should find another to fund my training if I wished to continue it for he would not house a sen'akhai under his roof any longer."

The moment the word sen'akhai passed his lips Resikh's face began to pale, and grew even grayer the longer Ri'hus talked. By the time the private fell silent and fidgeted, scuffing his foot at the earth, Resikh had fallen silent as well, unable to believe what he was hearing. He had to fight to find his voice, and found himself reaching his hand out, as if to snatch hold of Ri'hus and start shaking him. Ri'hus peered up at him with a small frown.

"You--you did tell him the truth then, didn't you--?" Resikh sputtered. "That you were forced? You are not sen'akha if you are forced! What Djuta and the others did doesn't make you sen'akha! You did clear this up with him, didn't you--?"

Ri'hus flinched. "And tell him I allowed them to do that to me--?" he exclaimed.

Resikh wrinkled his muzzle. "You did not allow it! That is the difference! If you'd just tried telling him that--"

Ri'hus threw up his hands. "I did try!" he cried. "He insisted I was lying! When I kept telling him it was so he said then that I had lied before the tribunal, and he was right! Either way what I did dishonored him!"

"You lied only to protect yourself from this!" Resikh retorted. "Surely he understands this much!"

Ri'hus shook his head, his eyes, already bitter, welling up with tears. "Don't you understand it? It doesn't matter what I say to him now! Either way I have humiliated him! I think he would rather I had only lied before the tribunal! Do you know what he said to me when I tried to tell him the truth? He called me a weak little sen'akhai who likes taking it from males! He disowned me because no son of Thekh'has would ever let such a thing happen to him!"

Resikh clenched his fists. "You did not let it happen!"

"And that is even WORSE!" Ri'hus's eyes finally spilled over and he snarled. "At least any other sen'akhai can FIGHT! I cannot! He does not want some whimpering limp-wristed sen'akhai bringing shame to his house! And he is right because I have NEVER done a thing to make anyone proud!"

Resikh ground his teeth. He jerked his hand at the air. "Because--he will not give you the chance!" he snapped. "Do not give all this up because of him! Keep up your training! You'll get stronger, and then you will PROVE to them all what sort of Kana you are!"

Ri'hus scowled. "Keep up what--? Are you going to fund my training--?" When Resikh fell silent, blinking stupidly, the private wrinkled his muzzle at him. "I was right about you, you know! Always having everything in life handed to you so easily! You do not know how it feels because your father or sponsor is rich, and you are strong and talented, and no one cares that you are sen'akha!" Resikh's mouth fell open and he almost sputtered in indignation at the word but Ri'hus railed on, taking no notice. "I suppose after you have a bad day, you just go back to your nice comfortable bed and sleep away your troubles, not even knowing what it is like to have to fight for everything! Have you once returned home and had to stand and listen to the speech on how much of a disappointment you are? Right now I would give almost anything for that; I do not even have that to return to! And I can hardly sleep my way to my next rank!" He bared his teeth. "Or would you suggest that, too? Since it is all I am good at?"

Resikh huffed. "I never said this! You are the one saying all this!" He slashed his hand through the air again. "I have had to fight my entire life, too! Yes, my family is better off than yours--but I have fought hard EVERY step of the way! I will hardly stand by and let you assume that just because I am not poor, I must be lazy and spoiled!"

"Why stand by?" Ri'hus shot back. "Go back home to your nice comfortable bed! It's more than what I'll have to sleep on tonight!"

Resikh threw up his hands. "So do not quit so quickly!" he exclaimed, desperate. "There are other options, you know! Just up and leaving the entire tribe over something like this is ridiculous! You have to at least try!"

"Try what?" Ri'hus practically screeched; a few Kana passing by in the street paused to glance at them and Resikh flushed. "I am already lousy at EVERYTHING!"

Resikh had to stop himself and grind his teeth, biting his tongue a little to keep himself from yelling in return; by now Ri'hus was shaking, but he could tell it was more from despair than rage. "Look," he said, trying to keep his voice level now. "I realize this may feel like the end of everything...I do not claim to know what it feels like, because I do not...you're right, I have never been as unfortunate as you." Ri'hus let out his breath and his wings sank slightly, but at least he didn't yell. "But there are other options. If your father will not sponsor you, then you can find another sponsor. My father sponsored Djuta's and Be'shen's training when they were young. Many good Kana have sponsors. All you have to do is find one."

Ri'hus's face screwed up as if he wanted to start shouting again, but then he lowered his head instead. "I had already thought of that," he murmured, voice barely audible. "There is no one who would sponsor me. I do not have the skills to attract a sponsor."

Resikh bit his lip in frustration. He had never had any reason to take a good hard look at the training system, but now that he thought of it, it seemed rather unfair; even the most tenacious Kana would never make it into the military if he did not have the skills in the first place. "Have you tried looking? Just in case?" he finally asked, unable to think of anything else to offer. "Just maybe there is someone...?"

Ri'hus was already shaking his head. "I spoke with Lord Tefkha already. He may be blunt but at least he is honest. I asked if he knew of any who would be willing to take on a trainee and he is not aware of any at the moment."

"Could you not wait a little bit, and see if one should appear? Perhaps the timing is bad; who knows. You might leave the tribe, and a week later, a sponsor could come along."

"I do not have a week to stay around here. I do not even have a home to return to! Remember? I can hardly sleep in the barracks if I am no longer training there--Tefkha offered to let me stay a week, but that is the longest he can allow. I thought it would be best if I just gathered my things and went..."

"Tefkha is not the smartest Kana in the tribe," Resikh said, earning a look. "Surely there are a few Kana he is unaware of. I'll ask around for you and see if one of them will take you on as a trainee. All you have to do is sit tight for a little bit. Take Tefkha up on his offer. It shouldn't take that long."

Ri'hus gave him an oddly resigned look, as if he had gone over this a hundred times before. "Even if you bring back a sponsor," he said. "What do I do then? You have to earn a sponsor's attention. I have always been last in my training division. I have been training for months and nothing improves. The most generous sponsor might take me on for a short while, but it just delays the inevitable." He lowered his head again and grasped his pack strap. "I...I am sorry I yelled, Lord, as I know you only mean well...but there is nothing left for me here. I thought, perhaps, with another tribe, I can at least get a clean start...nobody will know me, or know of what happened here, or how poor a trainee I am...at least until I foul up again...but at least it cannot get much worse than it already has." He gave a dispirited salute and turned away.

Resikh opened his mouth, no useful words popping into his head. "I'll ask my father to sponsor you!" he blurted out, and then blinked. Ri'hus looked at him over his shoulder and anything Resikh might have had to follow that with fled his mind; all he could do was stand there with his mouth hanging open, unable to think. He saw the look in Ri'hus's eyes change, from skeptical to resigned again; the look made him close his mouth and furrow his brow. Ri'hus almost looked ready to smile.

"Thank you, Lord," he murmured. "But you know as well as I do that he would not appreciate training a Kana such as me." He saluted and turned away again, walking off up the street and away from the barracks.

Resikh watched him go. "I am sorry," he said quietly, though by then Ri'hus was so far away that he knew he could not hear it. Perhaps he apologized more to himself than to the private; he did not know by now. He hitched in a breath, and raised his voice before the private could walk entirely from his view, his voice cracking as it carried down the street.

"You are a better Kana than many I know, Private."

Ri'hus halted briefly, looking as if he flinched; his wings hunched and he ducked his head. Then he was gone, vanished among the crowd of milling Kana going about their daily tasks.

Resikh stood alone in the street for a long while. His fingers clutched numbly at his side. His own head lowering, he started walking slowly in the direction Ri'hus had gone, though not in any attempt to catch up. He had nothing left to say to him whatsoever.

What has gone wrong? I liked to think that I could solve problems, not create them. Yet all I have done lately is make everything worse. I thought I was doing the right thing when I lied before the tribunal...how could I have been so wrong...?

His step slowed and he stood in the middle of the street, wings shaking. When a Sha driver snapped at him to get out of the way he stepped aside, gasping for breath, and then turned and hurried into one of the alleys between the private households lining the street. As soon as he was enveloped in shadow he halted, clenching his fists and trembling, teeth gritted; he stood beside the mudbrick wall for a moment or two, trying to catch his breath, then let out a strangled yell and slammed his fist into the wall. He drew it back and the mudbrick was cracked; with the yell rising in his throat, he started punching the wall anew, first with one fist, then the other, in rapid succession as his muzzle wrinkled and his ears flared back in a snarl. His yell turned into an enraged scream and he struck the brick as hard as he could, breaking a hunk of it loose; he drew his hands back and his knuckles were swollen and bleeding, but he didn't even feel any pain. The scream died in his throat as he stared at the damage he'd wrought, then his vision blurred and he shut his eyes, gritting his teeth again. Another odd noise twisted itself around in his throat; he slumped toward the wall and put his arms over his head, wings shaking hard as he started crying. He hated the noises he let out, and the fact that he couldn't stop the tears from streaming from his eyes, yet he supposed it hardly mattered; he wished there was something else he could do besides hurt his fists, after everything else he'd done.

"All I wanted to do," he choked, voice breaking. "I just wanted everything to be all right again...before Bakh'asu...before everything...I just wanted it all back. I could not tell them the truth! He would be taken away from me again! I died inside when I was without him before!" His wings hunched tightly to his back and he burrowed his head against his arms. "I thought it would be all right...even Ri'hus agreed...how did I make it so much worse? Everything was supposed to be all right now! Why is it still all wrong? How did I ruin it all so much...?"

His voice trailed off and he squeezed his arms around his head as if to block out everything else, or else keep himself from being heard; he ground his teeth hard enough to hurt, the tears streaming warm over his forearm, and racked his brain trying to figure out when exactly he had made his mistake, whatever it was. Had everything been destined to go wrong no matter what he did? He couldn't believe that, but at the same time, he couldn't figure out how his plans had failed so miserably, either...first Djuta had rejected him, and then Ri'hus's life had been ruined...what else had he done, that he wasn't even aware of yet...?

The muffled sound of sandals striking the ground came to his ears, more distinct than the noises from the street, and he sensed rather than saw someone coming near. He stiffened when he heard them stop some distance away, yet nobody spoke, so he waited for them to go away. Such a long time passed in silence that he had almost convinced himself they were gone, when they finally spoke up, startling him.

"You were not the sort of Kana who blamed yourself for others' shortcomings, last I knew you."

Resikh's wings tensed. He let out his breath when he recognized the voice, and lifted his head just enough to peer over his arm, his eyes red and raw. Captain Tas'hukh stood at the mouth of the alley, staring back at him with hard eyes. Resikh's ears flared.

"You did not know me as well as you thought you did," he muttered in response.

Tas'hukh's own ear flicked. "I knew you well enough. I had to." He paused. "I am not even surprised by what you did. Everything I know of you says that I should be, but for one thing. Lord Djuta was always the one thing that made you disregard everything else. Somehow, I knew you were lying. But I was not surprised. This is only what you would do for him. After everything else you have done, this was the least thing."

"Little good it did," Resikh retorted. "He hates me now, and I have ruined an innocent Kana's life. Perhaps it would have been best had I just done what he'd asked and told the truth."

"You would never have done this," Tas'hukh said. "It would mean losing him, and I know you would do anything to avoid that." His eyes softened. "It was only because I bid highest that he did not go to you. I know you would have paid anything for him if you could have afforded it, and perhaps even if you could not. If you had had the chance first. I know also how it killed you, being without him."

"You do not know," Resikh growled.

"I do know," Tas'hukh said with nearly a scowl. "Who is the one who stopped all his training? Who gave up everything he had fought so hard to attain? Who is the one who dropped out of the military, and from what I heard, spent all his days in his father's house, barely even able to rise from his bed for weeks on end? Lord Be'shen tried to convince me to come roust you myself, but I knew how futile it would be. Every single thing you did, from the moment you met him, you did for Djuta. He is the only one who would have lifted you up again. You were next to nothing without him." He fell silent, but Resikh felt no anger toward the words, as they were only the truth. After a long while Tas'hukh quietly added, "And he is next to nothing without you. He thinks I could not tell, but I could. If you had been the one wounded, he would have been the one to stop everything. It is only because he was with me that he did not." A flinch just barely passed across his face, and he lowered his head slightly. "If this is anyone's fault, then it is mine...for never taking the proper actions, and for neglecting my own household...if you are going to blame someone, then blame the one of the three of us who truly deserves it, for stepping in between the other two. I thought I knew my place but I did not. Perhaps this is what the gods do for me interfering when I should have left well enough alone."

"I do not blame you," Resikh snapped. "I do not consider you nearly important enough to blame. I blame Maat! For everything fouling up no matter what is done! I know I did the right thing! It is the way it turned out that is wrong! Djuta should have never been charged, and Ri'hus should have never faced anything that he did--I did everything right--it is everything else that is going wrong!"

Tas'hukh's brow furrowed. "Ri'hus--?" he echoed.

Resikh jerked his hand at the mouth of the alley. "The private. He who Djuta went after. I have made Djuta hate me for lying, and I have ruined Ri'hus for trying to tell the truth."

A pained look came to the older Kana's face. "It is true, then...?" he nearly whispered; then he shut his eyes tight and shook his head. "Djuta does not hate you. He never can! The two of you would die without each other, no matter what you think. After all these years, you should know him better. He is proud but he is not stupid, and he fully knows that he can never turn you away for long. You are being a child."

"I'm giving him what he wants. He did not so much as speak to me last I saw of him." Resikh's muzzle wrinkled. "If I do everything for him, then maybe it is time I let him go! Since everything else I do makes things worse!" He pushed himself away from the wall and wiped his eyes, hating how he was acting. "At least he will be all right, this I know. I cannot say the same for he whom I ruined."

"Ri'hus," Tas'hukh said again, and looked toward the mouth of the alley as if to see him there. "What do you keep talking of? If he lied before the tribunal then it is clear it was his own choice. You hardly forced him. Again you blame yourself for someone else's problem."

"Was it his own choice to be disowned from his own family?" Resikh snapped. Tas'hukh stared at him. "Yes, this is what I did. I'm certain he would agree with you that this was his choice. My actions drove Djuta to him, I made him lie, and I ruined him in this tribe. Come tomorrow, he will probably no longer even be here."

He turned and started walking from the alley. Tas'hukh turned on one heel as he went past. "He is leaving--?" he asked in surprise.

Resikh wrinkled his muzzle and wiped his eyes again but didn't bother looking back at him. "Why not? He has nothing left here...I made sure of that."

He didn't hear the captain following him as he walked out of the alley; though once he was clear of the buildings and out in the street, he did peer back to see Tas'hukh step out and glance toward the barracks. The look on his face was a strange one which made Resikh take pause, but he told himself that whatever happened now wasn't under his control any longer, and went on his way back to Mahakhi's house.

* * * * *

Tas'hukh's knee was starting to bother him. He made a slight face as he walked, keeping his stride quick despite the twinge of pain which shot through it with each step. He kept his eyes focused on the wall separating the barracks from the rest of the city, and only slowed his step once he neared it, peering at the doorway. Training was obviously going on inside; it had been years since he'd trained in the barracks. He suddenly stopped and fiddled with his lappet uncertainly. He took a step backwards, turned, then halted again; turned once more to face the gate. Fiddled with his lappet again.

He scowled to himself. What am I afraid of? Some piddling trainees? I could probably beat the great majority of them with one hand behind my back! So why do I not want to go in there...?

He steeled himself, shook off the silly feeling, and went inside. Sure enough, the yard was full of trainees sparring with each other, their lieutenants barking out orders and insults; Tas'hukh let out his breath, feeling his muscles relaxing when none of them even noticed him. He stared at them for a moment and then folded his arms, pausing to observe them. He saw one youth take a bad swing and knew he would lose his sword even before he did; when it thunked to the ground, he was not even surprised. He saw another Kana bend his knee, and knew that he would defeat his opponent within the next second; by the time that happened, he had lost interest, and was watching another couple.

It is the same as I remember it, he thought absently. Exactly the same...so many things change, yet some things never do.

The nearest lieutenant finally noticed him watching and cocked an ear. He glanced at his men, then came walking toward Tas'hukh; the captain stiffened again, expecting to be thrown out, but the younger Kana merely saluted him. Tas'hukh blinked and then nodded his head in return. He wasn't used to being saluted very much anymore.

"Something I may help you with, Lord?" the lieutenant asked.

Tas'hukh flushed a little, not certain why. "As a matter of fact...I had hoped to find Private Ri'hus. You know, the one who was at the trial...I hoped to have a word with him."

The lieutenant cocked his head to the side. "You've just missed him, Lord. Last I knew he was gathering his things for departure from the tribe, though I was sure to tell him to speak with Lord Mahakhi first."

"You told him--?"

"Yes, I am--was his lieutenant. Tefkha." He saluted again and bobbed his head.

Tas'hukh nodded, distracted. "When does he plan to leave, then?"

"It may be tonight, it may be tomorrow...he was adamant, but I did try to convince him to at least pass the remaining night in the barracks before he goes. I do not know whether he will take me up on the offer or not, though."

"Mahakhi was busy with other matters last I knew," Tas'hukh mused aloud. "He is probably not even in his quarters at the moment..."

Tefkha tilted his head the other way. "Well, I suppose Ri'hus will then have a bit of a search ahead of him." He glanced back at his trainees, then at Tas'hukh again. "If you'll forgive me, Captain--?"

"Tas'hukh," Tas'hukh filled in.

"Captain Tas'hukh--but I have to see to my trainees. If you wished to speak some more of Ri'hus, I will be free later on tonight."

Tas'hukh had already started to turn away, but this comment made him pause and look back at Tefkha with a frown. "Tonight--?" he echoed, giving him an odd look.

Tefkha raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Lord...in the taverns." His mouth twitched. "You thought I had meant something else--?"

"Of course not," Tas'hukh nearly snapped. He nodded sharply and Tefkha saluted a third time. "Very well. I might have a few things to ask you. It makes no sense to me why such a young Kana would be so suddenly disowned and then decide to leave his tribe, so yes, I have some things I wish to discuss."

Tefkha shrugged. "Something about sen'akha, Lord; I only know what bit I overheard." He saluted a fourth time and turned back to his men. "I should be at Khesa's tavern come nightfall; if not, any of the others will know where to find me. Good day, Lord."

Tas'hukh stood silent as he walked away, clapping his hands and yelling out an insult at one of his trainees as he went. The captain finally turned and stepped out of the yard and back into the street, his fingers numb as he let the door go shut behind him. He stared at the rutted road but didn't see it; he started walking slowly back toward Mahakhi's household, but he didn't notice anyone clamoring or trotting around him. He made it to the household in a bit of a daze, and it was only through sheer will of effort that he remembered to inform one of the guards at the gate to try to detain Private Ri'hus if he should appear, or let Mahakhi know that he wished to see him. He then made his way down toward his rooms, running a claw along his pectoral as he did so. Once within he sat upon his bed and took off his sandals, staring out toward the courtyard in silence.

Sen'akha...?

His brow furrowed. After a long while he lay back so his feet were still on the floor, and stared up at the canopy. He let his eyes drift shut, though he did not sleep; if anything, he was more awake now than ever. He had not felt quite so awake in a long time.

Sen'akha...?

His thoughts drifted, almost as if in a waking dream. He saw a young Kana striding down the street, away from the barracks and toward the households, his blue lappets streaming behind him as he went; the look on his face was set and resolved, and Tas'hukh wondered how he had ever lost that determination. He turned in at one of the houses, greeted the guards at the door, and strode through the halls, glancing left and right, until he finally came across the head of the household, and stepped into the room to greet him, putting his arm to his breast. The older Kana glanced at him, and tilted his head in a nod. He even smiled slightly. Tas'hukh saw what looked to be hope enter the younger Kana's eyes.

"Another offer," the older Kana said, and his eyes glinted; he looked almost ready to smile. "This is...what...the third captain who has asked you for his first lieutenant? If you keep this up, you will have generals clamoring for you next..." As he spoke the younger Kana almost seemed to be swelling up as well, until the older Kana noticed the look on his face and his mouth twitched. "Be careful, Lieutenant...or your face will freeze that way..."

The lieutenant at last smiled, as it looked as if his face had been about ready to break from holding it in. "He is only a captain first class," he admitted. "Nothing so near a general..."

"Still, I say that all you need do is hold your breath, and one will be pounding down our door next thing we know." He finally smiled now, and the lieutenant reciprocated. "You make me prouder of you every day," the older Kana said, and Tas'hukh saw the younger Kana's eyes glowing with pride. The older one's mouth twitched again. "The next thing I know, you'll be coming in here in purple lappets yourself...first lieutenant be damned." His own face lit up. "All you need do now is bring in a pup with you, and that will be nothing compared to all you've done so far. That female of yours--keeping you busy, is she?" He smirked knowingly. "How you find the time to even train with how she must be wearing you out is beyond my understanding, hm...?"

Tas'hukh saw the smile on the younger Kana's face fade, until he lowered his head slightly and averted his eyes somewhat, wings sinking. The older Kana noticed the change as well and trailed off, frowning slightly; he cocked his head, then stepped forward.

"Son? Something is wrong...?" He took in a breath. "Your mate--something is wrong with her? She is not well--?"

The young Kana blinked and shook his head abruptly. "No--no, Lord! She does fine! There is nothing wrong with her. It is...just..." He trailed off again and furrowed his brow, biting his lip. "Well...I have..."

"You have...?" When the lieutenant failed to reply, the older Kana's frown grew. "What, then?" he demanded, his earlier good attitude vanishing. "You what? Speak up!" When this still resulted in no answer his own brow furrowed slowly. "You...do not tell me you have not had nesakh'ai with her yet!" When the lieutenant flinched he gawked in return. "You mean--you have not--? Lieutenant! I gave her to you three weeks ago! I know you are not THAT naive! You do realize what I intended you to do when I gave her to you, don't you--?"

"This is not it!" the young Kana retorted, flushing. "It is just that..." He rubbed at his neck and winced, trying to pick his words carefully. "Well...it is not..."

There was a very long pause. The older Kana stared at him closely, then frowned again. "What is it?" he asked quietly, sounding genuinely concerned. "She does not suit you...?" He looked perplexed, and flexed his wing. "Then...what is it that you would seek in a mate...? I had thought she was pretty enough, and able enough...yet if you wish for something else, well, all you had to do was tell me. I would rather you reject my offering and get a decent one, than never let me know! This is not only your future, but my own we are speaking of, you realize."

"I know," the young Kana murmured. He rubbed at his neck again. "Yet...I do not think it would matter." When his father merely stared at him he sighed, frustrated. "It is not as if I did not try, for I did, Lord...and...she is quite pretty, and talented...but..." He sighed and gestured with his hands, feeling utterly stupid.

"But--?" The older Kana's frown grew. "But what, Lieutenant--?"

"But nothing happened," the lieutenant blurted out. When the other Kana just stared at him he threw up his hands. "Nothing! Three weeks of nothing. I tried, Lord, you have to believe me...but...it just...does not work. I..." His ears went red and he had to duck his head. "We tried everything...I...could not do it. It is not her, I just..."

"You cannot mate with her?" The younger Kana flinched but the older one didn't even take notice. His look was incredulous. "You cannot mate with your own female--?" he exclaimed. He threw up his own hands. "Then we will go to the Moru market! Surely there is one there who can get you up--? Honestly, I do not understand why you make such a great issue of..."

"It is not her!" the lieutenant snapped. The older Kana glared at him and he flushed again. "I already tried this," he muttered. "One of your own Moru. I--when nothing happened, we--I brought her back to the Moru quarters, and..." He gave a flustered sigh. "Your primary mate--I realize she is not mine. But--"

His father turned to look at him again. "You tried her?" he asked, and tilted his head. "She is the most skilled of my Moru! So surely, you were able to get it up with her--? She is a bit too old to bear pups for you, Son, but if you wanted an older female..."

The young Kana threw up his hands. "I do not want an older female! I do not want a younger one! They do nothing for me!" When the other Kana gawked at him he merely continued speaking, unable to take it back now. "I've TRIED, Lord. This Moru was not my first! Remember when we went to visit that neighboring tribe in my fourteenth year--?" The older Kana looked puzzled and he nodded. "That was the first time! His Moru stables! I sneaked in with one of the other boys and we picked Moru to pass the night with! He was busy with his within moments--yet I--" His muzzle wrinkled. "I had to settle with her giving me hakh'tua, and even with that, I did not come! I thought maybe I just didn't know what I was doing!"

"Fourteen is a young awkward age," his father insisted. "Of course you would not know what you were doing!"

The younger Kana's muzzle wrinkled even further. "Then explain to me why it was the exact same the next year, and even now! I have been with at least five females before this one, Lord, and it is always the same. It just--it never works. I do not know why. You have to believe me when I saw we tried absolutely EVERYTHING there is to try! I am not going to end up with pups this way!"

His father's brow furrowed. "You have never once completed it--? You are seventeen now! And you only now tell me of this--?"

The lieutenant made a face. "Yes, I have completed it! I'm not iat'ah, for love of the gods!"

The older Kana's face screwed up. "Then what is the problem! Just get THAT female with you, and do it again! SOME way you will end up with pups!"

The youth didn't answer. When a long awkward silence had passed, his father staring at him, a strange look came to the older Kana's face, and his ear slowly folded back.

"This female...?" he prompted, even his voice sounding odd. "Where is she...?"

"It..." The young Kana grimaced slightly. "It...wasn't a female, Lord."

His father stared at him again. This time, the silence drew on so long that Tas'hukh almost felt like fidgeting, if any of this had been real. The quiet was so thick that when it was finally broken, he nearly jumped, and saw the young Kana actually do so, his ears flaring back.

"A male--?" the older Kana suddenly yelled, and his eyes went livid. "You mean to tell me that all these years--you have not been with females--because you have been humping MALES--?"

The lieutenant gawked. "I--this is not how it is!! I never claimed this! I have been with females, it is just--"

"And yet it is a MALE who makes you FINISH?" the older Kana barked. He bared his tusks, and the youth flinched back. "What in the hells is this? Speak up! Tell me what in the bleeding Duat you did! Who was it? Did he jump you or something--? Tell me his name and I will break his damned neck!"

The young Kana bared his own teeth, though not in anger. "No, he did not jump me! I know how to take care of myself! You don't believe I know how to fight, now--?"

The older Kana clenched his fists and bellowed. "TELL ME HIS NAME!"

"I will not!" the younger one snapped in return, hackles prickling. "He is another one of the lieutenants--as if that is any of your business! But why you need to know his name is beyond me! He did not attack me and I did not attack him!"

"And so what--?" His father gave him an ugly look. "Did you hit your head upon something, or get drunk, or did someone slip you some poppy--? I fail to see otherwise how--"

The lieutenant snarled, and the older Kana actually flinched back this time. "WE HAD NESAKH'AI!" he shouted. "THERE! Are you satisfied? I sucked at him and he sucked at me, and then we rutted at each other! REPEATEDLY! And I ENJOYED it! No female ever made me feel like that, but HE did! I came once, and again, and AGAIN!" The look on his father's face grew horrified but he only continued railing, waving his arms and no longer even caring what trouble he might be bringing upon himself. "Do you know where we did this?--INSIDE THE BARRACKS! While everyone else was away training! That is right--I skipped TRAINING to be with him! MORE than once! Would you like me to tell you how many hours we were preoccupied, or how many times after that, or how many times he came in my mouth, or how many times I came in him--? Would you like me to tell you every detail of every time we gave each other hakh'tua and hakh'tehi, and every time we gave each other ahi'akhta--? He is good at that, as well! And tells me that I am good! Would you like me to SHOW you how we enjoy each other--? Would you like me to bring him in, so you can see for YOURSELF--?" He brought his hands back down, clenched, and snarled again. His father's face was nearly white, his eyes wide and gawking. "You want a pup so damned badly--? Then get your fat old whore to drop you another one--since she is not nearly so talented as you claim she is--or stick your cock in the female you gave me--or find me a female with a cock and balls of her own! I've tried long enough! If a grandpup is more damn important than I am then I will just have to disappoint you, for ONCE in my damned life!"

Throughout this whole tirade his father stood as still as a statue, his face paling more and more in disbelief. By the time the youth finished, gasping for breath, his eyes were round with shock, and it was a moment before he could even speak, his voice coming out as a mere rasp.

"You...you are sen'akha--?" His muzzle drew up into an ugly wrinkle. "You tell me--after all this time--that you are SEN'AKHA--?"

The lieutenant let out a disgusted hiss. "Oh, do not pretend you didn't know! THREE YEARS and I have not ONCE gotten some female pregnant--? You could never even SMELL it on me--? I had thought perhaps it would go away, or change, or perhaps if it were true, it would not matter because I was so busy doing everything ELSE to make you proud of me!" He waved his hand spitefully. "And so now it is suddenly a big issue--? So I will not give you a pup to carry on the line. Tell one of my brothers to do it! Gods know they have more than enough time and inclination! Spending all their time rutting about like dogs in heat while I have been the one winning all the honors! You seriously wonder why they have not reached the rank I have? Or better yet, take my female and keep her! I have no need of her! Consider her a GIFT since I never asked for her in the first place!"

His father's muzzle wrinkled even more and he let out a strange hissing noise which made the youth pause, ears flaring. "Get..." His eyes very nearly burned red and he flung up one hand, claw extended toward the hallway. "Get OUT! Get OUT of my house!!"

The lieutenant's mouth opened and he blinked in surprise. "Wh--what--?"

"GET OUT!!" the older Kana bellowed. When the youth still hesitated he gnashed his tusks. "I will not--will not have some DISGUSTING ABOMINATION like you under my roof any longer! Sticking yourself in MALES! I cannot believe what a filthy mongrel I've had sleeping under this roof!!"

The younger Kana gasped in disbelief. "I--every single thing I have done for you and for your house!" he cried. "You yourself just praised me! I've done NOTHING my entire life but bring you honor! All of this means absolutely NOTHING now just because of--"

His father's voice reached an odd indescribable pitch, almost feminine in how much it screeched. "GET--OUT!! That was NOT you I praised! That was my son! The one I have LOST forever!"

"I AM YOUR SON!" the lieutenant screamed, wings flaring. "I am the SAME Kana you praised but moments ago! Nothing has changed! You have known me my whole life!"

The older Kana bellowed at the air. "I DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Filthy cum-drinking scum! My son brought me honor--you bring me SHAME! You are NOT my son! I do not have a disgusting sen'akhai as a SON!" He jerked his hand toward the hallway, shaking it in a rage. "Get out of my house! I will not have you here any longer! You may go to what was once your room--and get your things--and say goodbye to that MORU I wasted on you--but if you are not gone by nightfall, I will thrash your tail out of here MYSELF!"

The lieutenant fell briefly silent, then wrinkled his muzzle. "Do not bother," he growled. "I already have everything I want from this house." He turned stiffly on one heel and stalked away toward the hall; though just before he could reach it, he halted again, drawing his dagger and glaring at his father over his shoulder.

"You may KEEP these! Since they mean so little now!" he snapped; and with two neat slices, he cut off the ends of his lappets, the bits of blue cloth fluttering to the floor. He turned away again just as they landed, and he had cut off just enough to remove the name of his house, as well as his own name...House of Harua...Lieutenant First Class Tas'hukh...

Tas'hukh opened his eyes to stare up at the canopy again, the memory fading. He sighed to himself, and moved his hand to lift one lappet, looking it over. They were red now, a captain's lappets, the lappets he had earned after he had left his father's house for the last time...fortunately he had been more skilled than I'anen had ever been, and had attracted a sponsor so he could complete his training to become a lieutenant elite. It was not long before his skill in training as well as in combat had earned him the attention of those in power within the tribe, and the red lappets of a captain were conferred upon him, until at last he had earned the title of captain elite and had been placed in command of his own section of the army. He ran his fingers over the smooth material of the lappet he now wore and stared at the odd space between the writings upon it. It still bore the name of the Shore Tribe, and its general, as well as his own name and rank at the very bottom...yet the space that had once held the name of his father and his house now held merely the symbol for hata'tai, the one without a family...he could have put his sponsor's name upon it instead, yet this had somehow seemed more appropriate. He knew the symbol on the lappets had drawn curious stares from others, and more than a few times he had even heard himself referred to as "Tas'hukh the Fatherless"...despite the fact that his father was still very much alive. No one had ever bothered asking him how or why he had lost his sponsorship. He had never bothered telling anyone. After that day, he had never bothered telling anyone he had no interest in females, either.

Except for Djuta.

He sighed and shut his eyes once more. He let go of the lappet and stretched his wing beneath him a little, thinking over what little he knew of what he had just heard. The more he thought about it, the more it ground on his nerves, until he finally sat up with a frustrated snort and got to his feet, slipping on his sandals and ignoring the pain in his knee as he stretched himself. He cast one more look at his own lappets before turning and exiting his rooms, determined to find Ri'hus or speak with Tefkha, whichever should come first.

They have always said that history repeats itself, he thought darkly as he went. I guess I shall learn now if this truly is so, or not.

* * * * *

Djuta followed Binena back to Mahakhi's residence, his heart beating fast the entire time they walked. He couldn't be certain, but he thought he'd heard an invitation in the other Kana's words when they'd spoken in the market, and for some reason felt compelled to follow him. He hadn't been with another male in quite a while...but was that the only reason why he was going along? He tried to remember the last time he and Resikh had had nesakh'ai and couldn't be certain; then he scowled to himself.

Why do I keep thinking of him? He made his own decision. I did not tell him to lie for me. In fact I told him to do otherwise. He did not listen--this only shows how he truly feels. If that is his decision then I have no problem seeking out someone else.

Why then am I arguing with myself...?

His scowl grew but he tried to brush it away. He peered up at the sergeant still walking ahead of him, his tail flicking from side to side. Binena had not offered anything outright. One part of his mind told him he could be heading for trouble again, but the other part of it was winning out.

Binena glanced back at him once, and Djuta sucked in a breath. The Kana merely gave him a look and continued, and Djuta let his breath out again.

"How long have you been among the Kana?" Binena asked, sounding genuinely curious.

Djuta frowned slightly. He picked up his pace to walk beside the sergeant, as it looked rather odd for a lieutenant to be following a lesser soldier so. "My entire life," he said, "but one year."

"One year?"

"I was Moru then."

"Oh?" Binena tilted his head curiously. Djuta spread his torn wing and Binena looked down at it. "I would have assumed it wasn't a serious injury, as you wear the lappets now," he mused. "How on earth did that happen?"

"I had time to allow the wound to heal while I was Moru. I always knew how to fly, I had merely to train it again to work."

"This is an interesting story. I do not believe I've ever heard one like it."

They entered the household and passed the guards, making their way down the hall. "You have not been among the Kana your whole life?" Djuta inquired; when Binena looked at him he shrugged slightly. "Merely the way you asked me about myself. Most Kana are so for their entire lives."

The sergeant's mouth twitched. "This is true; yet assuming the obvious is no way to hear interesting stories." When Djuta stared at him he smiled as if amused. "I doubt you would have told me about your wing had I merely assumed you have always been Kana." When Djuta's look darkened his smile grew but he turned back to face the hallway. "If it helps any, I have always been Kana, although I got a later start than most. It took me a while to find a sponsor."

"Your father did not sponsor you?"

"My father was killed in a raid. My mother carried off. I was not well for a while after that. I was not ever formally adopted by anyone."

Djuta opened his mouth, ready to say, "Me neither," yet refrained, and closed it again; Binena didn't appear to notice. He realized that he didn't much feel like outlining his history to a near stranger. "In any event, I did not enter the army until I was fourteen or so," Binena went on. "Which is a rather late start as far as Kana go."

"This is why you are still a sergeant?"

He felt it might be taken as an insult, but Binena just smiled again. "Not truly. I just did not feel up to all of the hassles that come with being a lieutenant." His step slowed, and Djuta looked up to see that they had reached what must be his quarters. He tried to keep his heart from beating so fast--why was he acting like this? He shook his head as if to clear it, only to see Binena smiling at him.

"You are feeling dizzy--?"

"Oh--no." Djuta shook his head again. "Only tired."

Binena's smile faded and he tilted his head again. "Why do you not step in and rest? Your commander was very thoughtful. He provided Lord Tas'eta and myself with food, drink, everything. I would think you would be still sleeping, if anything I heard about that trial is true."

Djuta hesitated at the door--Resikh's face flashed before his mind--then followed him in, and the door shut behind him. He stood uneasily where he was while the other Kana turned away.

Binena sought out a jar of wine and poured some into a cup for him, then poured some for himself. They both looked down into their cups at the same time. "I am not used to date wine," Binena admitted, swirling its contents. "In our tribe grape wine is more easily to be found." He held it up. "To our fallen brothers; may their wings never tire."

Djuta blinked but raised his cup as well. He hadn't heard a toast in ages. Binena took a drink and he followed suit. When the other Kana sat down upon the edge of his bed he did the same upon a nearby chair, and they faced each other across the room.

"And so," Binena said. "I know I promised I would not ask you too much. But my curiosity gets the better of me. Do you have trials here often? Especially triple ones?"

"It was killing three birds with one stone," Djuta replied, staring into his cup. "The three of us were actually tied together in our crimes."

Binena's ears twitched. Djuta took a drink before setting the cup aside. "You may as well know," he said aloud. "The only reason I sit here a free Kana is because my commander did not wish to address the crime I had committed. He would rather I remain free."

The sergeant cocked his head. "And so you are guilty--?"

"Yes. Though not according to the court of Kana law."

"I will not bother you to ask your offense. The others with you, who were they?"

"Another like myself, only of your rank; and a Moru. A female. She, accused of impersonating a Kana; he, accused of rape. The same offense I was accused of."

He tossed it out, waiting for Binena's response. It wasn't quite what he'd expected. The Kana raised one eyebrow, which for some reason made him wish he'd never stated the specifics. He bit his tongue and Binena had to break the silence.

"And so...do your females often parade about as soldiers?"

Djuta rolled his eyes. "I doubt this is really the detail you wished to discuss!"

Binena shrugged. "It seemed the more polite of the two."

"I've faced plenty of roundabout comments these past few days, and I do not need to do with any more," Djuta said in irritation. "You may speak freely. It's not as if I've sharpened my sword lately."

"Would it be your sword I would have to fear?" When Djuta gaped at him Binena's mouth twitched, and he could tell it had been merely a joke. "I admit that I do not know what you wish of me. To kick you out would be rude as I invited you in, and to cower in fear would be ridiculous, as you are hardly doing anything wrong at the moment. You had any other sort of reaction in mind...?"

Djuta frowned. He began to wonder if this had been a good idea or not, though he was strongly starting to think it was the latter. "Yes. The reaction I expected from them. I seem to be the only one within this household, except for my mate, who feels that I am actually guilty of anything."

Binena shrugged and took a drink. "Perhaps then there is a reason for this."

Djuta's muzzle wrinkled. "Yes. It is called denial."

Binena stood and set down his cup. Djuta glanced up as the sergeant came toward him and stopped, staring down at him with his hands on his hips. He gave Djuta an appraising look while the lieutenant scowled.

"And now what are you doing?" he snapped.

"Trying to determine if you are righteous or merely whiny." Djuta's scowl darkened when Binena merely looked amused again. "Do not get me wrong, Lieutenant," he said, his expression softening. "I tend to believe in fate. If none wished to find you guilty, then there was a reason."

The lieutenant snorted and took a drink just to distract himself. "They could at the very least then have finished up my wing and set me on the block. It would be none worse than any of this."

"Do you stop to wonder that perhaps this is your punishment? What you are doing now?"

Djuta's gaze darted up. Binena merely stared back at him; Djuta's brow furrowed. "What? What am I doing now?"

The other Kana shrugged. "Dwelling. Mulling it over. Endlessly, from the looks of it." Djuta gasped and shrank back when Binena leaned down to look into his face, their muzzles nearly touching. The older Kana's eyes searched his, and Djuta couldn't break away. They stared at him intently for a moment before softening a little.

"I see something else, also," Binena said quietly. "You have not slept well. Your friendships have suffered. Day and night, you berate yourself in your mind over how this all went. I am wrong?"

Djuta said nothing, only stared back. Binena smiled softly.

"You punish yourself more than enough. This is why they did not ruin your wing. You are your own torturer." He tilted his head slightly. "Do you never take a rest from your self-appointed duties?"

Still no reply; Djuta's voice was stuck in his throat. He felt an ache in his breast--whether from his wound, or from something else, he had no idea--before finally deciding on doing what he had assumed they'd come here to do. He leaned forward abruptly and pressed his muzzle to Binena's, their mouths meeting. Binena didn't immediately pull away, and so Djuta grasped his head, standing up at the same time. He was just slightly taller than the other Kana, and pressed close to him, biting and sucking. He grasped Binena's nape in one hand, as he couldn't do it with his teeth; when the sergeant stiffened and then loosened he slid his other hand down his body. Binena was a little thinner than he would have liked, but right now that hardly mattered. He couldn't even understand why he felt like this, with a complete stranger. Perhaps that was the reason why? This was someone who didn't know him, couldn't know him. He could keep him at a distance...at least for now.

He nudged his knee against Binena's leg, steering him backwards. They met the bed and sank down over it, Djuta now growling and biting possessively at Binena's neck. He heard the other Kana gasp softly, but didn't open his eyes to see his reaction, lest he lose his nerve. His breath came in hot spurts; he nuzzled at the sergeant's ear and reached down to hastily undo his loincloth, his shaft straining for freedom. Cool hands suddenly touched the sides of his face, and Binena's tongue met his own; he groaned into the other Kana's mouth and their hips rubbed together, Binena's leg just lightly stroking against his. He felt himself go fully hard, and pulled up his kilt in front. He reached down to do the same for Binena, exposing his hips and slipping his hand beneath his loincloth to grasp at his sheath.

Sheath--?

A hand grasped his own. And stopped. Djuta's eyes flew open and he looked down in confusion, the kiss broken. Binena still lay beneath him--and far from protesting, or fighting, as Djuta had begun to expect he might do, he still smiled gently, almost paternally up at him. Djuta's brow furrowed, his breath still hitching in his chest. Binena's hand held his own, just over his hips; he wasn't hard yet, hadn't even arisen from his sheath. His breathing had picked up only slightly, and Djuta couldn't smell his musk.

Binena's eyes never left his own, his smile never faltered, as he gently but firmly pulled Djuta's questing hand to the side.

"Somehow," he said quietly, "I feel this is not what you want."

Djuta blinked, confused and dazed with lust. "What...?"

He reached for Binena again, but again was stopped. His nostrils flared and he sought desperately for Binena's scent, without luck. He almost felt like whining in frustration, when those cool fingers brushed against his own sheath, making him start and gasp. The touch was all too brief, before it moved to his face, and Binena smiled and cupped his cheek.

"You will not find what you want here."

Djuta felt the pain flare again in his breast, spiked with confused anger. "You invite me here," he said, his voice grating, "we go this far, and then--?"

"This was never what you wanted in the first place." When Djuta bared his teeth in bewilderment Binena leaned up to lightly kiss him on the side of his muzzle, sending a shock through him. His touch remained cool, silken against Djuta's flushed skin. "What you truly want is elsewhere."

Djuta ground his teeth and his claws clutched at the bedclothes. "I do not understand."

"You will." Another kiss, to the mouth; Djuta parted his lips but Binena had pulled away before he could taste him again. The other Kana merely continued smiling, and stroked his face. Between them, he reached to pull down his kilt, covering himself up again, and did the same to Djuta. The lieutenant didn't know whether to cry or yell. The look on Binena's face told him that the other Kana wasn't teasing him, yet he couldn't help but feel that he was. The heat in his loins burned hotter than ever, but it looked as if it would go unsated for now. His ears flared and his tail flicked in utter confusion.

If this is what he was going to do--then why in the hells did he even ask me back here--!

One final touch; Binena ran his hand down Djuta's neck, making the lieutenant shiver and shut his eyes, just briefly. When he pulled his hand away Djuta opened his eyes, focusing on Binena's smile. The sergeant looked as if he were in on some sort of joke, which Djuta wasn't aware of yet.

"What you want is elsewhere," he said again, softly. "Go to him."

Djuta stiffened, his mouth falling open as a shock passed through him. Binena's pale gray eyes stayed focused on his own, so strangely knowing, and it was a moment before he could even find his voice.

It came out as the merest whisper. "What...what do you..."

"Go find him." As before, the same smile, yet Binena placed his hands against the bed and used his knee to nudge Djuta's leg aside. Djuta pushed himself up without thinking, and the sergeant slid out from underneath him, rising from the bed and smoothing himself down. Djuta stared up at him in pained disappointment, hating how childish and selfish he felt, yet also hating the other Kana's calm smile, the way he'd led him into this only to stop it so abruptly. What sort of a game did he think this was--?

Binena's mouth twitched as if in amusement. He nodded at the door.

Djuta gritted his teeth but finally accepted the hint. He pushed himself up off of the bed and stood, retying his loincloth and also trying to smooth himself down, but with considerably less success, considering his still-excited state. He cast Binena a dark look before turning to the door, hating how the sergeant's smile only grew. Perhaps he'd been wrong before. Perhaps he was teasing.

He kicked a box out of the way as he went, the sound it made striking the wall not quite as satisfying as he'd hoped it would be. He didn't look back until he'd yanked the door open and had gotten out into the hallway; and even then, all Binena offered him was that same smile, so that Djuta growled under his breath and slammed the door shut behind him, turning and stalking away in a silent rage. His claws dug into his palms hard enough to draw blood, yet he hardly felt it.

What in the HELLS was that all about! 'I will accompany you'--? 'Perhaps we might find something to do'--? What in the Duat did he think that was supposed to mean? Why in the Duat did he let me TOUCH him like that if that was not what he wanted in the first place--?

He couldn't believe what he'd just been put through. Anger and humiliation warred inside him, neither one winning. How could he have been so wrong about that Kana? What sort of life did he have, that teasing and luring him in was such fun? The sergeant could simply have told him no from the beginning and spared him all of this trouble. It was as if he'd wanted to put Djuta in that situation. He went over in his head everything that Binena had said, trying to find a motive for his behavior, yet still coming up empty. He snarled out loud, sandals clacking sharply. Maybe he just liked embarrassing others.

Djuta's snarl faded then and his step began to slow. Binena's last words came back, echoing in his mind.

You have not slept well. Your friendships have suffered. Day and night, you berate yourself in your mind over how this all went.

You punish yourself more than enough. This is why they did not ruin your wing. You are your own torturer. Do you never take a rest from your self-appointed duties?

What you truly want is elsewhere. Go to him...

Djuta stopped. He stood in the middle of the empty hallway, his mind roiling in confusion. What he truly wanted? He'd known what he'd wanted, going in; it was Binena who insisted otherwise. How could he ever know what Djuta truly wanted--?

He briefly considered what would have happened, had the two of them actually started coupling. He imagined Binena tossing his head back and clutching Djuta to himself, and felt the pain and heat rise up within him again. Yet after that, all he could imagine himself feeling was...nothing. The two of them lying in Binena's bed. Djuta rising to leave in the morning, going back to the way things had been before. Binena leaving to return to his tribe with Tas'eta. Nothing between them, but a momentary encounter, not even a spark. There was nothing wrong with that...yet for some reason, it felt wrong.

He turned slowly and looked back toward the door of the room he had just stormed out of, its occupant out of his sight within.

He knew what I did. I told him myself. Yet he still invited me, like that...and didn't stop me...until after...

...Until after it would have been too late...

Didn't he know I could have overpowered him...?

Why did he do that...?

Binena's voice, so calm and knowing, echoed once more in his head. Go to him...

Djuta started and blinked, as that which he'd really wanted suddenly flashed before his mind. He saw what he'd briefly thought of, while in the marketplace, and again once they had touched. What Binena hadn't been. Rather than Binena's cool gray stare, he saw Resikh's smoldering dark brown eyes. Instead of Binena's slender body, he felt Resikh's, leanly muscled, pressing against his own. Instead of Binena's cool, distant touch, it was Resikh's hot fingers that seared his skin.

How could he have known...?

He didn't stop to think about it for too long. The ache arose in his breast again, but this time he knew what it was.

If I am too late...

I turned him away. I saw the look in his eyes. If I am too late to turn back now...

Turning from Binena's rooms, he strode away down the hall, now knowing his destination, but praying it was not yet too late.

* * * * *

The halls were dimmed now. Night had fallen much sooner than he'd expected it; had he lost track of that much time? His step slowed a little bit as he came once more into the familiar hallway and he tried to decide if this was the best decision. Part of him said it was. Another part of him wanted to tear Resikh's eyes out for how he'd lied to the tribunal.

He did not listen to me, he thought bitterly. I told him what he should do. I told him! And still he did not do as I said! He endangered himself, his entire life and his entire career, just for me!

The anger which had been flaring up in him again, threatening to make him turn around and head back to his own quarters and to yet another ordeal with Khetai, began to die away at last as he finally realized the truth of the lieutenant's actions.

He did it...for me...

He felt the fur on the back of his neck prickle. Djuta glanced up and halted completely now. He wasn't the only one in the hallway.

The one ahead of him stopped as well, and they stared at each other for a moment or two. Resikh's look was wary; Djuta couldn't blame him, but neither could he speak up, as his throat suddenly stuck. As such, although they hadn't spoken since the trial, they stood staring at each other in utter silence. After a moment the surprised look on Resikh's face faded; he slowly turned to his door and opened it, disappearing inside. It shut behind him.

Djuta let out his breath, and his wings sank. He stared at the door for a short time before turning to head back to his own room. His heart no longer ached; it felt like a dead weight in his breast.

A soft noise came. He stopped, seeing from the corner of his eye the door opening again, just a crack, a sliver of lamplight shining out upon the floor like a beacon. It stayed that way. Djuta's heartbeat picked up as it had before. He turned back, hesitated, then tentatively made his way to the waiting door. He slipped inside, and this time it shut behind him, for the last time that night.

Much of it was a blur after that, to his fevered mind. He couldn't even remember how it began, but eventually it was not Binena, but Resikh he held beneath him, his hands running down his just-right body, their mouths devouring each other. The flame rose anew, wilder than ever. Resikh's touch wasn't at all like Binena's, cool and distant and pushing away. Instead his touch pulled Djuta in, hot and consuming; he flinched every time those fingers touched him, fluttering down his spine, caressing over his wings. He felt as if they had never been together before. He pressed his hips against Resikh's, felt his lover press back; when he fumbled to pull up his kilt, he met no resistance, and when he reached down he grasped the other Kana's shaft in his hand, wet and ready. He heard Resikh take in a trembling breath, saw him tilt back his head, eyes glazed with desire. His own hands slid beneath Djuta's kilt to draw him close. He parted his legs widely, and Djuta bit at his neck. Their bodies arched when he mounted and pushed inside, sliding deep within his lover's body, their hips locking together. Resikh drew his legs up to squeeze Djuta's hips and they began to rock upon the bed, hands roaming, mouths leaving wet inviting trails over each other's fur.

And how long they were occupied thus? Djuta had no idea, only knew that nothing had ever felt so painful and yet so sweet, both at once. Not Tas'hukh, not Rithukh'het, not Khetai or Hup'khit or anyone else he had ever been with. Resikh whined softly and Djuta sank his teeth into his shoulder, earning a gasp and a squeeze. They were slick with sweat already, shifting clumsily in the dimness. The way his lover panted and arched made Djuta growl and push deeper. Resikh accepted him entirely; everything that had gone between them since the trial, at least for now, vanished, as their bodies became one, Resikh arching and moaning, Djuta tossing back his head and digging his claws into the bedding, their buttocks quivering in release. The pain inside them died, even as something else was born anew.

Djuta sank down over his gasping mate and they lay that way for a while, catching their breath. When he pulled himself out and rolled aside, they both lay upon their backs, staring at the canopy, their breath coming fast. Djuta let his eyes drift closed; he felt fingers gently loop about his own, and grasped them in return, their hands caressing. They said not a word to each other, afterwards; it wasn't necessary. When Djuta rolled onto his side, Resikh joined him, embracing him from behind and settling his head against his shoulder, as they had done so many times before, their bond was so great. Djuta listened to the sound of his breath fanning over his cheek, and shut his eyes again. The warm embrace of his love at last settled his anxious nerves, sending him off into a silent, peaceful sleep.

Continue:

"Part 44: Homecoming" 


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