Ramblings On

OK, it’s 11:49 on a Monday morning, and I have absolutely NOTHING to do. You want the date? It’s the 26th of February 2001 c.e.. I am so bored, I’d rather be at school than here. Well, not at the moment obviously, cos it would be Tech and I’d have to make my damn chair. God, I’m learning to hate it. Why, oh why did I not choose something else? Oh woe is me. Stupid me. As usual. And I get covered in scratches from making it. I guess the worst I’ve done is cut my wrist on it, as you all well know by now me thinks..... Not as if I’ve lost an arm. Or a torso. Sorry, couldn’t resist. You know me, always up for quoting stuff. Mainly cos I can’t think of anything interesting to say myself. I’m a bit useless like that. Nothing interesting to say, so I’ll just babble on like I usually do. Hey, why break the habit of a lifetime?

Any Day Now - I Bificus
Any day now...it’s gonna start - my real life
and any day now...everything is gonna be alright...
Any day now...life’s gonna get real good
and somehow...life’ll be like I said it would
Any day now, mark my words!
Any day now, I will be heard!
Any day now, my ship will finally come in...
Any day now..I’m gonna jump right in
and any day now, my destiny will begin
and until then I’ll just be here
wasting my time...
but, don’t you worry,
I’ll be just fine...
Any day now, mark my words!
Any day now, I will be heard!
Any day now, my ship will finally come in...

I’m trying to waste time, but have so far only managed to waste 4 minutes. Wow. Not even 12 yet and I’m SO hungry. I could eat, oh I don’t know, but lots of it. I always seem to be hungry at the moment, can never stop eating. It’s mainly comfort food, biscuits, chocolate and stuff. Anything than something that might actually be good for me. Since when have I been healthy anyway? You need to have a healthy mind and a healthy body, and God knows my mind is not healthy. It’s a mess really, if I’m honest. Honest is something I’m not always good at. I don’t lie, I just don’t say everything that I mean. Or I say things and they don’t come out the way I mean them to be. And then people get the wrong idea, and everyone is confused. Most of all me. I spend my life in confusion. Something I’m really good at, I guess. Confusing myself. I don’t know what I want, and if I did, I wouldn’t know how to get it. Oh yes, this is a good life.
:) Wow I use that a lot. And nearly every time I do, it’s a lie. I’m lying to myself mainly. If I manage to convince myself that there’s something to live for, then I might just feel better. Maybe. Probably not, though. You can’t just fool yourself into feeling better. It takes time, and I accept that. But so far it seems to be taking forever. I know what it is, who couldn’t know what it is. It’s lots of things, but I can identify most of them. Here goes nothing:
I feel so lonely all the time. I don’t know why, when I’m at school I’m with people all day. But I still get lonely. You know why? Cos it doesn’t feel as if I make anybody’s day when I see them. You know, they could get on just fine if I didn’t see them again. In fact, when I’m with people it feels as if they’d much rather that I went away. Never darkened their door again. Cos I PISS PEOPLE OFF! And I don’t even try. I must be a really annoying person to do that. I am though, aren’t I? I’m a right bitch, who just gets in the way all the time, doesn’t know what she wants and generally makes the world crap. Crap is the word that describes me on a good day I think. Today is a good day actually. And look at all of this shit I’m writing. ‘I’m here to tell you I’m having yet another shitty day, I swear sometimes my shitty days run into each other giving me a shitty week, I think I’m in the middle of a shitty month that’s shitty!’ That’s a good quote for me at the moment. It’s from Infected Tattoo - Okenspay Ordway by Bif Naked. Who else? She inspires me. Just read anything by Bif, there’s so much feeling in her words and I can really identify with it. I really admire her, I can’t remember her name though. But yes, she is inspirational. She seems to have gone through the stuff that I think I’m going through now. She got through it though, that’s the difference. Look at her, a strong woman who knows what she believes in and knows where she’s going. She’s not one of these fake Britney-types, spouting off crap about not having sex before marriage ‘cos I’m a really religious person etc etc etc’ and making us feel shit for not having their saint-like lives. If I choose to lose my virginity before I get married then that is my fucking decision. It does not make me a bad person. So somebody should tell them to piss off, and take their patronising attitudes with them. But Bif is different. She knows her mistakes, will admit them, and more importantly has learned from them. Just read TV Baby. I want to be her, I want what she’s got. Not the fame or the money, but the personality, the strength, the self-belief. Cos I have no idea who I am, and what my purpose is. Well, I don’t know anything about her, so maybe none of this is true, but it’s what I’d like to think. And it makes me think about my life. I don’t want to aimlessly go through life like so many people seem to do. I want my life to mean something. You know, it’s like, when I die people will say ‘Oh you know, she lived, and then she died, and that’s pretty much it.’ Is that it?!?! Really? I don’t want that. I really don’t. I don’t want to live for however long I do and not achieve anything positive. Cos that’s just crap.

We’re Assholes - Okenspay Ordway
Ask yourself if you’re an asshole, I’m not being mean or angry, I’m simply asking a question. I guarantee you won’t think so. Do you do enough for others? Do you give of yourself? Are you selfless? Each day when you wake up do you smile nd stretch and meet the day? Yeah right! Do you whine about your job? Your friends? About money? Do you want a new skateboard? A new car? A new life? Are you a gossip? Do you talk about your neighbour? Do you talk about people you don’t know? And speak negatively? It must be exhausting for you! Poor you with your apartment and your Levis and your ex still phoning...and your bank line ups and Nikes! Poor you had to pick up that check at the restaurant. Poor you and that grocery shopping. Poor you and your good health. Poor you...and your place to live. Poor you...ASSHOLE

This is me don’t you think? I have so much going for me and I just can’t see it. Stupid much? Well, yeah, we’re talking about me, and stupid is a word that fits. Yeah, words that describe me, and you know, they’re all so damn negative. Crap, crap, crap. Fed up. I’m fed up. I’m just gonna sit here, and write this, you know. I’m going to split it up with some of the songs I’ve been listening to at the moment, in an effort to put down how I’m feeling. I let the music do it for me. It’s so much easier that way. Anyway. This seems to be two points. I feel crap about myself cos I don’t know who I am. That seems to be the second point. What most of the above seems to be about. It’s this world, you know, it makes me feel crap for being me, and I’ve tried to change in the past and now I’ve forgotten who I really am.
‘A six foot tall anorexic bimbo with plastic breasts is making me feel weird about my own body’ - Zoinks! - Okenspay Ordway
Damn. If only I could go back to the days when I didn’t mind doing stuff when nobody else was. I was a true individual. Now I’m just a shell, hollow person. No sense of ‘me’. What is ‘me’? Hmm, question forever unanswered. I remember writing that question on the 10th January. I was in Biology, and had nothing to do. OK, so I could have been paying attention, but that’s not going to happen. Ever since this started I’ve just had no concentration. I drift off in subjects I like. I just don’t care anymore, which is stupid cos this is a year that really matters. Hello? Earth to me? Only those small exams at the end of this year. What have I done for them? Sweet f.a. that’s what. I’m so not ready for them at all. Do I actually know the work? Probably not, I look through my notes sometimes and think ‘when did we do that?’ I can’t remember doing it, so I haven’t a clue what it’s about. Oh well, I’ll get through somehow. Good thing is, I’ve got good marks for my coursework, I have no idea how I did it, with me not concentrating and spending very little time on it, but I have good marks there. Which is a start. And my teachers seem to think I’ll do just fine. Maybe. Oh well, there’s a couple of months left yet. Don’t need to panic yet. Few weeks maybe.
I’m really lazy, and I can’t be bothered getting up in the mornings. Which is strange seen as it takes so long for me to get to sleep in the first place, I just cannot switch off. I have these voices in my head all day, and it pisses me off. I try to drown it out, not think about it. I get drunk just so I don’t think anymore. It works, it works, it works. It’s not the best way, I admit that, but I don’t have any other. So I try to sleep, cos when I’m sleeping I’m not thinking right? Doesn’t cause me any pain. But it does. Cos when you sleep you dream. I dream a lot, and I don’t like what I dream about. Recurring themes piss me off. I don’t have the same dream more than once, but all of them are about the same thing. I had one last night about me and my depression. OK, so this might not be depression, I might just be feeling a little down at the moment. But it’s feelings that I don’t want, and that’s all I need to know. But the real recurring theme is about matters of the heart. Cos I’m in love with the wrong guy. A guy that doesn’t want to know. A guy who’s turned me down twice in the last 3 months, and I still don’t learn. I know it could work this time, I know it. I’m better, I know what I need to do, and I would do ANYTHING to get it. But it’s never going to happen. I’ve been asked out since, you know, and I turned the guy down cos he’s not the one I want to be with. I can’t be with anyone else. BUT HE DOESN’T WANT ME!! How stupid am I? Very. We’ve covered this, I know we have. But hey, reinforce the point. Not that it needs reinforcing, it’s so damn obvious anyway.

The Letter - Bif Naked
Can you remember Chestnut Street
and Algae nipping at out feet
I was just a little girl
and you were my whole world
what I’d give to be
lying in your arms
what I’d give to be
your girl again
Did you know that you were my first love
Did you know it’s you I still dream of
I’ve grown up a lot since then
My nostalgic heart will never mend
what I’d give to be
lying in your arms
what I’d give to be
your girl again
(what I’d give to be your girl again)

I love this song. I’ve never heard it, but I love the lyrics. It says everything. Oh, it would mean something if people just realised what I meant, yeah. They’d just think I was being stupid. Or hate me, avoid me cos of how I feel. It would destroy our friendship, cos we’ve already tried it, and I just have to get over it now. But I can’t. It’s been a whole month and I can’t. It was only a week! I should be over it by now. But I’m not, oh God I’m not. Obvious much? God, I do talk some crap.
But, anyway, my new found insomnia. I go through periods of it, but this seems to be lasting forever. The time that I finally fall asleep is getting later and later, but I have to get up at the same time. I lie awake and think about stuff I’ve already thought about, over and over and over. Round and round. Maddening, crazy. Not good. Cos I had to get up early this morning, I was so tired. During the holidays I can stay in bed. I may not be asleep, but just being there helps. But no, it was get up at 7. I mean 7. Really. What a stupid time when you were still up at 2 in the morning writing crap. That was before I was even thinking about going to bed.

Insomnia - Okenspay Ordway
I have recently graduated from a light sleeper to insomniac. And quite frankly I find it startling, I lie there staring at the dark ceiling and wait. Wait for sleep to smack me square in the jaw. It is so slow in coming, like my precious lover, thank God! My neurotic brain races for hours about everything possible. But nothing in particular. I then become greatly disturbed, as I notice the time. And figure out the hours left before I must rise. Sometimes at this point I become panic filled, and toss and turn and huff and puff, and of course out of frustration my heart races, and adrenaline begins its crawl, all through me, or I become upset, because I’m encouragable as a spoiled child, my sniffles and whines and pouting wake my snoring lover...on purpose. So I may notify him of my unhappy crank over tiredness, and patiently as always, he gently plays with me till I finally fall fast asleep. I have recently graduated from light sleeper to insomniac, and quite frankly I find it startling!

Of course, my parents thought I was asleep well before then. Oh, how innocent they are. They really know nothing about me at all. They think they know everything though. Oh many a time during an argument with my mother have I said ‘You don’t know me!’, to which she always replies ‘I know everything about you’. Yeah? You really think so? She knows absolutely nothing, I never tell her anything cos I don’t know how she would react. Yeah, can you imagine going up to someone like that and saying, ‘Oh yeah, mum, I’m bisexual by the way, and you know I don’t like assembly/church? Well it’s not just cos I find it boring, it’s because I’m not a Christian, haven’t been for 3 years. In fact, I’m kinda the opposite. I’ve been studying witchcraft for a whole year now, did you know that?’ It’s not going to happen. I mean that. I can’t tell them anything. What about, ‘You know in Bude when I fell out with my roommate? Did I remember to tell you that I nearly hanged myself that night?’ They really do not know me at all. They think I’m feeling just fine. They don’t understand what I want and why. They don’t understand me. They really don’t.

Coming Clean - Dookie
Seventeen and strung out on confusion
Trapped inside a roll of disillusion
I found out what it takes to be a man
Mom and Dad will never understand
Secrets collecting dust but never forget
Skeletons come to life in my closet
I found out what it takes to be a man
Mom and Dad will never understand
What’s happening to me
Seventeen and coming clean for the first time
I finally figured out myself for the first time
I found out what it takes to be a man
Mom and Dad will never understand
What’s happening to me

Wow, I just seem to be moaning. Never happy. I have more than some people and I’m still like this. God, that is really crap. Really crap. Pathetic. I am just moaning about nothing, and doing nothing about it so it’s all my fault and I deserve this. I really do. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I have nobody to blame but myself for this one. I need help, but why should anybody care? It’s nothing to do with them, and it’s not fair for me to ask. My head hurts. It’s doing the exorcist twist. Mad. Crazy. I am beyond stupid. Really. One day I’ll sort this out, and I’ll read this and think, my God, did I really write all this shit? Look, I’m on page 5 already, and OK so some of it is various lyrics/quotes, but I still must have written quite a bit. It’s now 2:10. I’ve been writing for about 2 hours, and I’ve got nowhere. It’s not even important. If I had a life, I’d be doing something useful. But I can’t be bothered. Too lazy, that’s me. And I hate it.

All You Ever Do - Okenspay Ordway
All you ever do is complain
Some trivial event has you in agony again
Why stay so full of frustration
When all you need to do is change your situation
All you ever do is whine
Don’t tell it to me
You’re wasting my time
How can you expect me to help?
When you can’t even be bothered to help yourself
All you ever do is whimper
Change your mind, there’s nothing simpler
Why you just sit there, I don’t understand
You IDIOT, your life’s in your own hands
All you ever do is bitch
You think you’re the only one?...with an itch?
To get out of your crazy life
That stabs your back like a knife
All you ever do is freak
About the small things, man, you’re weak!
You’ve got to stop your FUCKING moping
Stop sitting around your whole life...hoping
All you ever do is complain
Some trivial event has you in agony again
Why stay so full of frustration?
When all you need to do...is change your situation

And to think, I’ve told you nothing about my relationship with scissors. It’s a bad one, yeah, bad. My crayola plastic scissors... They’re yellow, the only ones I trust myself with. They aren’t sharp at all really, just about cut paper. Couldn’t hurt myself with them, not really. They don’t open wide enough. Other scissors, when I use them I just want to start on my arms instead. And I would, but I don’t know, I just start to freak, and I can’t do it. I just cannot put myself through the pain. And then I get frustrated cos part of me wants to do it and the other knows that I can’t. That’s what’s stopping me. At the moment. Maybe in the future, I’ll get over it, one way or the other. Either I’ll be happy or I’ll be dead. Wow, that’s a little extreme. But it’s true.

Marlene - Non-album track (to be on the new album - name unknown)
shudder when i see you ashamed
how many times have you been blamed?
i’m tired of how they treat you
i’m tired of what they do to you
and i’m not gonna let them anymore
marlene...
marlene...
see these doors
open wide
turn off those voices in your head
cover your wrists, i know they’ve bled
i’m tired of all the teasing
i’m tired of what they say to you
and i won’t let you feel this anymore
marlene
come with me
marlene
come on
marlene come with me
won’t you step inside?
into a world that’s far away
we’re gonna leave this all behind
come and run with me
forever...

I love my music I really do. Even if it’s depressing. I don’t care. It doesn’t depress me cos I already am. I can’t blame the music. That’s not right. It’s just lyrics and you shouldn’t take them literally. But that doesn’t mean I agree with some stuff. Cos even though they don’t say ‘go out and do this’, they imply that it’s OK to do it. And that is wrong. Dead wrong. And it shouldn’t be allowed. No, if it mentions death or something, it’s in an abstract way. Yeah, abstract. The world is shit. It doesn’t care about me, and I don’t care about it. I do not give a damn. I can’t change it though. You know my purple sunglasses? That’s just my small way of saying that I hate the world. Not very effective, I must admit, but I like the world purple. Cos only I see it that way when I wear them. Unless there’s someone else wearing them as well. Which there doesn’t seem to be. I get so many dodgy looks when I wear them out though. It’s crazy. I look at them and think ‘How can you even start to criticise how I look? Do you not have mirrors in your house?’ Yes, how I dress might seem odd to some people, but its not like they are the best dresser to me either. And I don’t wear anything outrageous anyway. It’s not like I’m walking around Liverpool in a bikini is it? Then I’d accept why people stare at me. I’ve grown used to it, so I kinda ignore it, but when I’m with people I don’t usually go out with, they always comment on it, and then I’m aware of it and I get upset. Why can’t people leave me alone? I want them to go away, but I also want them to be with me. I know I can’t have both.

Cosmonaut - Relationship of Command
we sample from the shelves
tore a page out from this chapter
deface the essays in the book that you’re reading
we are the leeches that stop the bleeding
deficit attention program
by any means necessary
blare sirens to the library
whisper instructions to the bookwormed glossary
is it heavier that air - tell us, is the black box lying?
aeronautics hacked
the spine of paragraphs
prepare to indent, a coma that read
floating in a soundproof costume
here comes the monolith
brass knuckles for the hissie fit
an abbreviation for the landing of fleets
incoming
position the stitches - like miles of torpedoes
permission was hinted
lungs that hollered in a sleeper hold
is it heavier than air - am I supposed to die alone?

It’s stupid. It doesn’t make any sense, but then I don’t make sense very often. I’m very good at making kinda sense that’s not. I’m quoting again. Slap my wrists, I have no individuality at all. I NEED TO KNOW WHO I AM!! This is important. Very important. God, stupid me. I’m 16, you would have thought I’d have figured it out by now. Everyone else seems to think I have. I remember everything Charlotte and Gillian told me that day when I was really upset. I cried for 20 minutes straight that day, and then again in Chemistry. And later at home, I think I cried myself to sleep that night. It was Charlotte, something like, ‘You’re this really strong independent woman who knows who she is, and what she wants. I mean, you’re studying this religion that’s totally different to what your friends believe in because it’s what you believe.’ She said she respected me for that. Nobody should respect me, look at me! I’m a mess. If anybody said they looked up to me, I would scream at them until they had some sense. Don’t ever think that of me. I can only let people down. Bad. Bad is me. And I no longer care about my English. It’s rubbish I know that. Still, could be worse. I could be using a wide variety of banned words. Wow, I’m good at annoying people. Even the things I say annoy people, let alone the things I do. You’re probably sick of reading this by now. But if I have shown it to you, then it’s cos I think it will help. If you don’t want to, which is fair enough, you can ignore this. I advise you to ignore it actually. Don’t get involved in this. Leave me to my mess. All I know is that if you ever need my help, such as it is, I’ll be there for you, no matter what. I don’t want anyone to feel bad about themselves cos I know what it’s like. I want to help people, I really do, but I just end up pushing them away. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m fed up of writing now. It’s 3:08, and it’s a bit late now. I’ve spent most of today writing this, and it’s stupid and pointless, so I’m just going to stop.