SAILING, SAILING

         New moon? Old moon? Which skinny sliver is that smiling in the sky at five in the morning? Why I am up at that time only the dog knows; for the past week she has decided that master should rise early. Mine is not the reason why, mine is to think of Frid, the servant in Bergman's divine comedy, romancing the saucy maid and telling her that their moon is smiling on lovers and fools.

         What a lovely thought! Why can't my moon be Frid's moon? Why does my moon have to be the menacing crescent that hangs over John and little Pearl on their journey down the river away from the clutches of Preacher Harry Powell? Do I hear Harry now? Is that him singing?

"Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms (of Chase Advantage)"

Harry, you don't have to remind me. I can't escape the bastards.

         I'll tell you this though, if ever there was a stock to sell short, it has to be Chase Manhattan, or their present day transmogrification, JPMorganChase. Any bank that fields a team that plays like Casey's '62 Mets, and provides me a $10,000 unsecured line of credit has to be sold short. I could add Bank One to the list. They've given me $19,000 to play with, but their record keeping is better, and every month I receive a statement telling me I did no borrowing, making me feel secure.

         Chase, on the other hand, has turned its account holder names over to direct marketing firms, all of which seem to operate from the State of Connecticut. I found this out when I received a statement in October showing a charge:

"Shoppers Advantage" 800-202-8823 CT $60.17"

Since a plastic card is not issued with the Advantage Line of Credit, this meant that I either had to write one of my Chase Advantage checks or somebody was pulling a fast one.

         I looked in my Advantage checkbook and found no checks missing. Could this be the work of an unscrupulous telemarketer? That would not be possible. In this house, telephone pitchmen are serenaded with a version of "American Pie" where I begin "Bye Bye" and hit the disconnect button before reaching "Miss American Pie.” The Chevy never gets driven to the levee.

         Luckily I realized there was an '800' number next to the vendor’s name. I called it, called it again, called it a third, fourth and fifth time and learned that the toll free number was only good in the State of Connecticut. Anyone for sleaze? So I dialed Chase Advantage direct and found an entire staff consisting of disembodied recorded voices telling me my balance, my last activities in the account, the name of the mayor of Greeley, Colorado and all sorts of other facts I did not need to know.

         Through some prestidigitation, and a lot of number punching, I finally reached their resident flak catcher. With phrasings like 'telemarketing fraud', 'state attorney general's office' and 'letter bomb' flying about, she finally patched a call through to the telemarketing outfit. She tried to connect all of us together for a love-in, but could not, so that she could only assure me that the charge was in error and would be removed.

         I was sorry I had to resort to some of the wording I used. I hoped I would not have a visit from Attorney General John Ashcroft. My guilt lasted until December when my monthly statement arrived and insisted I was delinquent. This time they trotted out a male service representative who assured me that it was being corrected, but he offered the friendly advice that I should make the minimum payment so that my credit record remained spotless. God knows I did not want to deal with Equifax, TRW and all the rest of the credit reporting agencies! I sent them forty dollars, having been assured the money would be refunded when the account was cleared up.

         The firm's CFO undoubtedly came to the conclusion that if money could be gotten from somone who did not owe them, this was a better racket than telemarketing. He tacked to the leeward in mid-February, sending the sob letter:

"We understand that there are times when even our best customers may miss a payment due date."

Similar treacle filled three paragraphs. The missive concluded with a hearty 'thank you if your payment has already been mailed.”

         The smoke coming from my ears made it hard to hear the customer disservice rep; however, that being assured me that Shoppers Advantage had issued its credit memo on that very day. "Ignore that letter, Happy days are here again." Undoubtedly while talking to me, the rep was stuffing the envelope with the next monthly statement that I received the other day, showing that I owed $20.17. The balance had fallen because the bank, in its infinite wisdom, had removed a late charge.

         No more Mr. Nice Guy! It was time to begin the disinformation campaign. This morning I dispatched another $40 check. Let's see what they do with that. The 'ginning up the credit lines' is the next step. This is the process where as each credit card statement comes in, it is paid off by transferring the balance to another card. With thirteen cards, this process can get fascinating, and there is always a good chance that with incompetents like Chase Advantage in the midst, the whole balance will be lost in the shuffle.

         If not, I shall draw on my Chase $10,000 line to pay off the assembled debt, and then I shall write a check to Chase from Bank One and let them begin to dun me. The final stop on the merry-go-round is to pay off Bank One with my own funds, ending the ride on the carousel. The inevitable result will be each lending institution increasing my credit. I would not be surprised to see Chase step me up to $15,000 and Bank One to $25,000.

         This game will provide me with enough wherewithals to buy a small boat and float down the river after John and Pearl. By now the new moon will be gone. My way will be lit by Frid's Midsummer Night's moon. It will shine down on the lover and fool piloting the craft through the rocks, rants and reefs and on to the calmer waters below. Bon voyage.