Inside The North Pole

NEWSCASTER: With Christmas just around the corner, we thought it would be nice to send a few reporters out to the North Pole to get some interviews with the busybodies up there. What we came back with was nothing short- of horrifying. The clip you are about to see is disturbing and if there are any children in the room, you may want to put them outside or have them run with scissors for a while, or whatever parents normally do. I had eighteen children and sold each one to illegal organ traffickers as infants, so I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good-parenting thing. So with that said, please view this footage with extreme caution. ~Cut to an Elf smoking a cigarette on his front porch~

REPORTER: Hi, there, little guy. Can you tell us what your favorite thing about Christmas is?

ELF: (coughs and puts out cigarette) Well, it's hard to decide between getting a fat man breaking into my house and giving my children gifts because he doesn't think *I* did a good enough job of it, or celebrating the anniversary of getting my dog neutered.

OFFSCREEN FEMALE ELF: Get your fat ass back in the house and vacuum the living room, like I told you to three hours ago!!

ELF: I WILL when I'm done being exploited by the media, you bloodthirsty LEECH!!!

REPORTER: This obviously isn't a good time for you…we'll come back later.

FEMALE ELF: Where's the fabric softener?!! What have you done with the fabric softener?!! I can't find the fucking fabric softener!!!!

ELF: Will you shut that flapping pie-hold of yours FOR THIRTY SECONDS!!!!!

FEMALE ELF: You stole the fabric softener, didn't you? ELF: Hmm, (checks his watch) that was close, Honey, but you still had twenty-seven seconds to go! ~Elf sighs and turns back to reporter~

ELF: I don't know what to do… Everything's so chaotic. I've been working the same job for twenty years; my wife's pregnant and due in a week so now I have another kid to support even though she CLAIMED she was on birth-control. I can't pay my bills; I've taken out a second mortgage- I'm forty-five years old and I'm three feet tall!!! How the hell is anybody supposed to take me seriously when I've got bells at the ends of my shoes?!! ~Cut to reindeer with bulging bloodshot eyes~

REINDEER: You think we pull the sleigh because we're glad to kill some time?? ~Glances around shiftily~

REINDEER: He beats us… I've seen him wave that rolled-up newspaper at me more than once… I can't live like this… The other day, I could've sworn I saw him think about gutting me with a plastic knife and feeding my remains to the other reindeer. You should've seen the murderous look in his eye…he was totally thinking it. ~Cut back to Elf~

ELF: It burns when I urinate. I'm really worried…here, look at this and tell me if it's supposed to look like that… ~Cut back to reindeer~

REINDEER: I think it's starting to have psychological effects on me.

REPORTER: Why do you think that?

REINDEER: Well, how else do you explain my stutter? Pause. Pause. Pause. R

EPORTER: You don't have a stutter.

REINDEER: SEE!!! You see what he's done to me!!!! ~Cut to Gingerbread man~

GINGERBREAD MAN: I hate Christmas. Do you think I ENJOY being decapitated every year?? Do you KNOW how that damages my self-confidence?? I'd like to see YOU approach a woman with NO LEGS!!!! ~Cut back to Elf~

ELF: I've thought about suicide a couple of times. Or maybe I'll just go on a homicidal rampage so I'll be arrested and finally have an excuse to get out of vacuuming…

FEMALE ELF: Herman, get in here, my water just broke!

ELF: Will you leave me no PEACE??? All I ask for is FIVE minutes of quiet- just five- and you can't even sit through that without having your water break!!!! ~Cut back to Gingerbread man~

GINGERBREAD MAN: One year, I just decided to screw the whole system and I got up and left.

GINGERBREAD WOMAN: (gasps) You did???

GINGERBREAD MAN: Yeah…but one doesn't usually get very far with NO LEGS!!!! ~Cut back to reindeer~

REINDEER: Don't leave me alone with him…He fucking named me DANCER for Christ's sake!!! ~Cut back to Newscaster~

NEWSCASTER: Disturbing, indeed…(cell phone rings and she answers) Hello?…No, we already agreed on the price. I won't give the kid to you for any less than twenty bucks.