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Rated: E · Article · Satire · #344272
Do YOU know the pizza-ordering protocol? Straight answers from a pizza professional...
Communication Breakdown


As the supervisor of a pizza-based restaurant, (which shall remain nameless to protect the innocent), one of my fundamental duties is to act as intermediary between my staff and our customers. Over the course of my six-year tenure at this particular restaurant, I have frequently had the opportunity to witness, and sometimes attempt to resolve, the many problems and misunderstandings that arise during the very complex and often arduous process of placing orders and having them delivered expeditiously, safely and intact to the consumer. After observing this process for several years, I have come to the conclusion that the public at large is in dire need of pizza-ordering education.

Like many businesses in this day and age, the restaurant where I am employed utilizes a computer system, which neatly organizes information so that our staff might more efficiently meet the needs of our customers. This system has proven to be highly effective; however, it does require us to enter information in a particular sequence. In an attempt to save both our staff and customers from confusion, we therefore prompt each customer with questions that must be answered in order. For the customers who prefer to do things their own way, answering our questions in sequence can sometimes be a traumatic ordeal.

When a customer places a call to order a pizza, our telephone staff usually answers the call with the standard question, “Will this be carryout or delivery?” This question is necessary because the staff can only access the computer program with an appropriate answer. While a select few customers sail through this first test of character with ease, many people find that this is the first of a series of difficult and challenging questions presented to them along their journey to gastrointestinal fulfillment. Perhaps we should rephrase our question to the effect of, “Would you like to come here and get your meal yourself, or would you like one of our staff to bring it to your residence?” For reasons I do not fully comprehend, I have discovered that large portions of the general population do not know the definitions of the terms “carryout” or “delivery”. Often, this requires clarification on the part of the order-taker.

Upon receiving this information, the telephone staff must enter either the customer’s phone number or last name into the computer, depending upon his or her answer to the first question. If the order is a carryout, the order-taker enters the customer’s last name, and the customer may then relay his or her order. Usually the customer will answer this question without much difficulty. However, if the order is to be delivered, a telephone number is required to access our delivery database. This tends to be the second problematic area in the pizza-ordering process, for I have come to realize that an astonishing amount of people do not know the number of the telephone from which they are calling. In addition, a small number of privacy-seeking customers do not wish to divulge their telephone number, for fear that our staff may either sell it to prospective telemarketers, or broadcast it on the evening news. Many of these same people seem to suffer great pains when presented with the next question, “What is your address?” It is my belief that modern society has truly come to an impasse, when people have absolutely no idea as to where they are presently located.

At the other end of the spectrum, we have a few eager customers who wish to provide us not only with a telephone number and street address, but also with an area code, zip code, post office box, and explicit directions to their very doorstep. After a decade of employment in the food-service industry, I feel very comfortable in stating that few restaurants will deliver out of their own area code, and even less will send the pizza by way of the US Postal Service.

After all of this data has been gathered by the order-taker, the customer may finally place the actual food order. While this step is usually the least perplexing of all, certain practices on behalf of the customer are helpful to all parties involved. For example, many customers prefer to ask the order-taker for the daily specials before deciding upon the order. This is perfectly acceptable and welcome; however, when the customer yells across the room to his or her family for help in making this decision, it is common courtesy to lower the phone to avoid deafening my staff.

Once the order has been successfully placed, our telephone staff will sometimes ask the customer if he or she has a coupon, for it is much easier for the order-taker to discount the price at this time, than for the delivery staff to do it on the customer’s doorstep. Many people become flustered at this final question. While some may leave the order-taker on hold in order to scour their homes for a coupon, others will apologize profusely and give detailed explanations as to why they do not have one. I think I speak for my entire staff in saying that it truly does not hurt our feelings if the customer does not have a coupon. Somehow, some way, we manage to go on with our lives, and the pizza is delivered, one way or another.
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