Whine & Cheese Co. Letters N0. 1

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree, or
If you online, tuck it under my keyboard so Bubba can type it into my email
and I kin read it on the computer
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line
or tell the operator # 32

Welcome to our Customer Care Department

These are the letters from the Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. Complaint Contest along with the response letters so you can easily read them together.

Many thanks to our valued and faithful customers who consistently order our products. It is our hope that they will continue to visit our site and do business with our very honorable and self-righteous company.

And, I hope you enjoy the letters. And, do consider ordering our Christmas Gift Pack for all your Christmas gift giving needs. Remember, you can always tear off Santy and paste a valentine or Easter Bunny on it for other seasonal gifts.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


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1. Don't you just hate....

People who sit and talk to themselves all the time? Like it anyone is *really* listening, but then again, you know the more people I talk to the more interesting I find myself....hmmmm

Lively's White Christmas



{{c:red}

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Lively’s White Christmas

Thank you for your "hate message." Actually, I don't hate anybody or anything, except many Harley Figginbottom. Now, he's one that if I did hate somebody, it'd be him. He can talk wire off a field fence. Carry on a conversation for hours with a light pole. Now for you people who ain't growed up in the south, that's country talk for "an electric utility pole." I think that's probably the politically correct term. But with Harley, you can't get a word in edgewise if you used a crowbar. He do love to hear hisself talk. Distill a gallon to get a drop. The only way he can say less is to keep talking. If intelligent words were money, he couldn't raise enough money to buy soda pop. Why I took it on myself one time to teach him some conversational ettiquette, and how to speak intelligently, but I gave up because I realized you got to have minimal brains before you can say anything intelligent. And I decide right then if ignorance ever became valuable, I wanted drilling rights on that man's head. I figured I could pump a 1000 barrels of ignorance a day and never run the hole dry.

Now, you said that "you find yourself interesting." Been locked away in the cabin for a long time? Your folks don't let you socialize much with the regular folks, huh? Well, I find myself interesting, too, and no I don't socialize with the regular normal folks, either. I don't ever want to be normalized.

So, hang in there Lively. And next time, send me a complaint with a little meat on it. I had to go at it hard to work up a answer to this one.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em, and write if you find work. Send money if you get paid for it.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


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2. What is WroNg?

I don't know why, but every time I do a spell check, it says didn't is spelt wrongly. Either it's that or stubborness is wrong. Huh? Duh, then how do you spell it?

I mean, I've never ever failed my spellings! Never! Just look at "Mummy Dearest" and you'll know why.

Maybe, I did use a lot of words that the checker couldn't handle them like couldn't, wasn't and etc.

I guess I that bad at spelling now. Why and I so bad now? After 5 years of completing school then I start to lose my head and forget how to write and spell? I even have to check the online dictionary just to make sure I got it right! Good Lord!

Kylena

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Kylena,

What could be wrong, indeed! Perhaps you are laboring under the misconception that our spell checker actually checks the spelling of words. Au kuntrare. When you click on the "spell check" button, an email copy of your text is sent to Billy Bob and Bubba in our Customer Kare Department, who cannot read or spell. They just mark some of the words in red and return it. That's when the fun begins, because you get to try and figure out which is right and which is spelt wrong. So, happy hunting!

Thank you for contacting our Kustomer Care Dipartment and don't bother thanking us for our service, it's a pleasure to serve you.

So the next time you think, "What's wrong?" Just think of us, becasue we're always wrong.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner
Bubba Whinnery, Head Spel Cheker Whinner
Billy Bob Whinnery, Head Idiot Whiner

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Kylena,

OOPS! Billy Bob and Bubba, uh, I mean the spail chequer, just informed me that you mithspelled your name.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Kylena,

Correction: Bubba just called to say that you did infact spell your name correctly, however, since you did not inform customer service of the correct spelling, that your spelling was judged to be spelt encorrectly in light of the accepted spelling not being known. And that's all we know about it.

He further say that "you have use all your aloted "chek speling" opportunities and therefore spel chek will know work for you any moore. However, he would be willing to meet you at wafflehouse (after midnight) and explane how he learnt to spell when he infact cant read." Please leave your reply in the tin can by the big oak tree.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner.


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3. Re: Re: What is WroNg?

WHAT?

MiThSpElLeD moi NaMe? How couLd DaT be? What KinDa SpAiL ChEqUeR iz DaT aNyWaY?

Kylena




Re: Re: Re: What is WroNg?

Now, I'm VerY bUsY siNcE iT's nEaRlY cHriStMas & i'M NoT meEtiNg BuBba aFtEr MiDnIghT at The WatEva WafFleHouSe.

If He's gOt AnYthIng 2 Say, Just ExpLain How he CaN spell wHen hE caN't ReAd?

Kylena

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Kylena,

Obviously you are still operating under the delusion that we in fact have a spell cheker. Bubba and Billy Bob just randomly mark words as incorrect when in fact they don't know nothing. However, Bubba has learned when a big letter is when it oughtn't be, he markes it wrong. Reading your letter, if Bubba got through it without have a seizure, it all came back red.

About your name being marked as incorrect, I dun splained that once, but I will repeat myself if I can, again. Your name was marked incorrect incorrectly. It was in fact irregular because you incorrectly did not correct our incorrect spelling of it correctly. Therefore we cannot be declared incorrect since we were not informed of the correctness or incorrectness in a correct manner, it became incorrect due to the incorrectness of the correcting standard by which we judge the correctness or incorrectness of the incorrect.

Now that we have corrected that little item and fully explained it so that a little child could understand it as easily as an adult, I hope this won't come up again.

Speaking of coming up again, have you tried our Christmas Gift Pack? Testimonials are coming in from all over the world. It has been acclaimed the best Christmas gift this Christmas that money can buy (go to hooklineandsinker.cheze for the actual testimony or the court records at the courthouse). Why not order a case for all your friend?

Thank you again for your letter. It is always good to hear from our valued and faithful repeat customers who include an order with their letter.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner



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4. I want to complain

I ordered some cheese and some wine last month. When it arrived 22 days late, I found the box to be open. The wine had spilt all over the cheese and there was not even a drop left for my boyfriend's birthday. Furthermore the cheese was mouldy and wasn't even the type of cheese that I ordered. So, I phoned your customer careline to demand a refund but I couldn't get through. Eventually some tennage yob picked up the phone and told me to 'p*** ***'. What are you going to do about it?

Tenselocks

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Tenselocks,

Thank you for contacting our customer care department. We value our trusted and satisfied customers and have spent mega bucks training our personnel to greet and make sure our valued and repeat customers and taken care of in a manner that will make us look good.

On a side note, I want to thank you for your comment about the teenage boy. Many people make that same mistake. My voice does sound quite young so it is an understandable mistake. However, I am curious as to how to pronounce 'P*** ***.' My onlline dictionary did not contain that word. Could it be French or Spanish or Yiddish?

Please feel free to call again with your valued comments and for your convenience, you may call our toll free number. Just think, it doesn't cost you anything to dial it. Please make a note of it for future reference.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner.
Toll-free Number: 6


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5. Re: Re: I want to complain

If you spent more money on postage rather than personnel who sit around calling their friends from the office, then I would have received my order.
So, it was you who was so rude on the phone. Please don't swear at me again! What school did you go to? I thought all Human resources workers knew that 'P*** ***' is teenlingo.
I suggest you ask your college for a refund, that is assuming you went.
I am writing to you because you toll free number is not only expensive but the use of the word toll is a disgrace. Please excuse my anger but I've just had a confrontation with the '3 pigs' sausages company and they were threatening legal action. I hope that you will do something about my order or I will e forced to contract the FBI.
Yours angrily,
Tinselocks

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Tinselocks,

Tsk, tsk, we don’t have to get personal, do we? We here at W&CCI regard postage as a form of an unfair and repressive tax on reputable businesses such as ours. And, further, we categorically deny that we ever purchased or tried to use black market stamps as you implied.

In addition, we resent your unfair attempt to besmirk the name of my beloved college. I did in fact attend a very traditional and much storied old school, Suggs Institute, and it was in those hollow ivy covered halls that I was indeed taught lots of stuff. Ten years I labored at my education and another thing, that so-called swear word was simply a misunderstanding on your part. I was in fact a common diminutive, which happens also to be the middle name of the president of our beloved school, Dr. Swarthmore P. Catorwahl, III. You simply misunderstood the situation, probably due to your tendency to, as we used to say at the gas station, blow a gasket, and I am glad to accept your apology for the unintentional besmirk. You are truly a big-hearted person. May your do well in all that you attempt.

Now as far as the Three Pigs Sausage Company, serves you right for doing business with such a disreputable, dishonest and deceitful company. Had you asked me before hand, I could have told you about those porkers. By the way, did I mention they are also fat? FAT pigs. Watch out for fat pigs. Oh, they smile a lot, but when your back is turned, they’ll squash you.

So, next time only do business with reputable and honest companies. May I recommend to you our Whine and Cheese Gift Christmas Pack for your entire gift giving needs? It will really be a hit with all your friends.

And may I address that vailed threat concerning the FBI. You don’t scare us. You can’t scare us with threats of protests to the FBI. We’re already on the FBI list, and the IRS’s, CIA’s, SPCEA’s, need I go further?

So, dear lady, may I say to you and those three bears, the Bearinstein bears, the brown bears, black bears, Polar Bears, Grizzly BEARS, PURPLE POKA-DOTTED WITH GREEN STRIPPED BOWTIE BEARS AND EVERY OTHER MEMBER OF YOUR CANTANKEROUS CLAN…Thank you for being a faithful and loyal customer and let me recommend our gift catalog for all your holiday gift giving needs. I remain

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner.

And for the really cheap stuff use our toll-free number 32


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6. I’m Tired of Complainers

I don't know what I'm gonna do with these people who are always complaining. They want a place to blow off steam and people like me go and spend our money and our time to create a site and then nobody shows up. Gimme a break!

Like that guy who complained that his wife can't cook and she don't wait on him a bringing stuff to him when he wants it. He even complained that she wasn't very good looking. Gimme a break. What can he expect? Anybody that would marry him can't have very good taste! I mean who'd marry a complainer like him?

He needs to be more like me. Nice, considerate, easy going, and lots of other good words that I can't remember.

I got a good answer for all your complaints. You may not like it, but hey, you don't like your job, do you? Naw, of course not, but you keep going every day. Come on and let me lay some wisdom on you.

Alvin

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Alvin,

Take two Midols and get a life.

Disclaimer: The WACCI wishes to express this disclaimer for the above advice/statement. Bubba and Billy Bob are not physicians, doctors, medical theraphists and in general are stupid about most anything other than how to track a raccoon through the swamps. Furthermore, they are totally unqualified to give medical advice and the above statement was made by them without the concent or the oversight of the WACCI. Therefore, if you follow their advice, you are more unfortunate than they and you deserve whatever happens to you because while we do believe that "God looks out for little children and fools," we also believe that he gives preference to little children.

If case you have not understood this disclaimer, you can boil it down to four words: DON'T FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE!

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


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7. Hear me out

It is on the open and plain,
You think you've somethin' to complain.
But hear this if you please
And set your mind at ease.
I can't drink your whine
I can't eat the cheese.
It is my doctor you see
Who put me on peas.
He also put me on Lipitor,
For I got high cholesterol.
My next move, I'll go live, I bet
On a mountainside, in Tibet.
My health insurance has me on hold,
I have to act now and be bold.
So hold your whine and hold your cheese.
Until, on my life, I get a new lease.

Popcorn Joy

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Popcorn Joy,

Now, I'm confused. Bubba's trying to read your letter, but you know, he don't read good. As a matter of fact, he is functioning literate or is that funcshunal illegal. In other words, he don't read very good.

Any way, we don't get many letters that is wrote in poems, so as we understand your letter, you want us to send the cheese to Tibet.

I was also excited to see that you are now on Lipitor. You know, I once bet on that horse at Churchill Downs. Sad, that he didn't do too good, his numbers were way down and so wus my money after the race.

So, if you'll give us the address in Tibet, we'll get that right out. Be sure and spell the words out cause I don't think Bubba could spell them from the sound. He can cipher OK, but he ain't good at spellling.

We gonna return the favor and close this here letter with a poem.

Bubba likes to lay around the house in ease,
He lay down with his dawg and now he got fleas,
Scratching hisself, his shirttail a flappin in the breeze,
He proud he work for the Incorporated, Company of Whine and Cheeze.

We don't write as good as you, but we do rhyme. Thank you for yore letter and jest as soon as you send that address, the cheese be on the way to the Him-a-lay-ahs.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


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8. My last name is pronounced Winer alot soooo...

I figure I have the best right to complain. My biggest gripe is during Christmas. I'm walking into a department store, and see someone outside the store, usually a big Santa type, jingling their bell continuously. Then, of course, they have to have Christmas music along with it, blasting their boom box, loud enough to wake the dead.
This year, I am going to give them $5.00. Not for being charitable, just to beg 'em to stop ringing that darn bell while I shop. My head still vibrates from it 10 hours later!!!

Susie

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Susie,

So, people pronounce your name "Whiner," huh? I guess that makes you a Whiner by birth, which does not surprise me. Well, it's better to be a whiner than a weiner. And what does Howie think about hanging out with a whiner?

Now, about your major complaint. Do you sometimes get the urge to say, "Bah Humbug!" Have you ever had dreams or been visited by spirits? Do you have a nephew referred to as Tiny Tim? Well, just get over it, Scrooge! (Oh, dear me, I got carried away there.) Don't give that $5 to those people making all that racket, why not use it to order our special Christmas Gift Pack? A nice block of cheese soaked in the best wine Muscatail makes. Drink them spirits instead of visting with them. They are much more exciting after a few blocks of our cheese.

And let me say, Thank You for contacting our Customer Care Department. We do appreciate our valued, and repeat customers. You are such a deer person and it is our hope that you will have a great holiday season enjoying our best products.

Whinningly Yours,
Bubba Whinnery, Head Customer Care Whiner


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9. My biggest gripe.....

My biggest gripe is when I'm in a supermarket and I'm talking to a clerk I know for 10 years. We're busy chatting away about nothing, then when I take out my credit card she says, "Oh, can I see your driver's license."
I have to wonder what she asks someone for identification that she doesn't know as well as me???

Howie

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Howie,

Thank you for your most interesting letter. By the way, do you know Susie Whiner? You two would be great together. You could be Howie and Susie Whiner...I'm sorry, Mr. Matchmaker forgot hisself for a minute.

So, you're the one whose always holding up the line at the grocery store. There's always sumbody up ther a yakking away with the cute little checker (does Susie know about these trysts?) and I can't git ma groceries home for supper. Gimme a break, Howie!

May I suggest that instead of your wasting time with Lola, the grocery cheker in her cute little tinsy outfit, that you spend that valuable time online ordering our very nice Christmas Gift Packs. They's good all year round. Buy a bunch of 'em and just keep 'em in your freezer.

Thank you, Howie, for your letter to our Customer Care Department. You are such a whiner...I mean winner. Bubba and his staff be working hard on solutions, however, for now, just order those Christmas Gift Pack. And if you don't use them up for Christmas, paste a valentine over Santa and give them to Susie for Valentine's day. She's too busy whining to notice the difference.

Thank you again for being such a valued and faithful customer. Do write again if we can help you.

Whinningly yours,
Bubba, Head Customer Care Whiner


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10. Why wasn't I notified of this?

Dear people who PEE-ED ME OFF-

Ok, I was walking down Bernard street off of 32, and like everyone else, I was goose hunting for the queen, for the anual pluck-feathers-and-make-the-queen-a-hat day. EVERYTHING was going fine...UNTIL YOUR COMPANY CAME OUT AND STARTED TO BEAT ME WITH CLUBS! (The kind that they use in lower mesopotamia that they use to beat the evil penguins) I was so confused! Then they were talking about how I'm "not supposed to be here, the aliens are coming" and "heed our warning, the mutant honey bees are coming for the harvest". WHAT'S WITH THAT? I COULDN'T MAKE THE QUEEN A HAT, BECAUSE I WAS ROBBED OF MY HUNTING TIME. NOW I DON'T GET A BONUS OR FOOD FOR A MONTH. SO...I think that your company should give me 2 royal hipponatias ducks, 3 tresmotimia geese, and one purple polka dotted goat for my grief bound future. I hope you reply with my wishes, because I KNOW WHERE YOUR COMPANY IS...
~An angry Mook

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

(Note to Bubba, I'll handle this bozo)

Dear Mr. Mook,

I think we know where the "red nose" comes from, don't we, huh? Been drinking right out of the still, huh? I bet you don't even catch it in a cup, but put yore lips right on the pipe and suck. By the way, do you see revoonuers when you stare into bright lights? Just as I thought, however, the letter written in crayons was a huge clue. By the way, how to you get crayons into the computer?

Let me take a guess here. This aledged attack did not occur in our fair city of Red House, did it? You see, the Bernard and 32 gave you away. Red House has only two streets, First St. and First Ave. It's a crossroads with Harley's Texaco on one corner and catty-cornered across the roads is A.B. Smith and Sons General Grocery and Haberdashery Emporium. Of course, The Whine and Cheese Company, Inc. is located in back of Harley's Texaco. That way, we git free air and water, plus he saves the boxes the oil comes in to ship our cheese.

Now, you are plucking chickens for the annual church picnic and midgets wearing blue polka-dotted dresses dance by, riding purple goats doing the dropsy snide. Well, that's all very clear, but I'm wondering what is your problem? I mean, other than a little too much hooch to drink, and I understand that runs in your family (or more correctly, through your family) I really don't see anything out of the ordinary.

So, pluck up and order some more of our Christmas Gift Packs. They's good all year round and the little picture of Santa can be torn off and a picture of the midgets doing the dropsy snide can be pasted on for any holiday occasion.

Thank you for your order and just as soon as we recieve your check, we'll cash it. It is so wonderful hearing from our valuable and repeat custormer and your words of encouragement and testimonial of our fine line of products.

Do let us hear from you again along with your order.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


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11. I would like to make a complaine about...

ok, um, this is my first one, so gimea a brake, lmao, ok, here goes

I wanna complaine about Diarries.. hmph, those things are bloody stupid. The people who make them ought to be fined for stupidity. And, the pictues they put on the front, yeha, like we REALLY care about some puppy, whose owner gets paid 35% of all propets made by the diarries that have their dog on them. OR they have some stupid drawing on it. Ok, right. ANNND the space they give you for writting. They give you like one page, if not a half page, for each day. Its like they expect that we shouldnt have enough lives to right on there. And they hardly give us any room from the spine. The spine is so tight, it swallows the paper, so you have write a collumn right down the middle. And they're about as big as this window. And thats when they're open.

ok, well thats all, and , was that more of an oppinion? oh what ever, this is my first gb contest that i have done.

Lizzy, the great Writress

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Ms. Writress,

Thank you for your most excellently written letter of complaint. I can see these Diaries things are quite a bother and many who might be too shy to broach such a delicate subject are indeed happy that you are so bold. I am sure, you will go far in this business because of your boldness.

There is only one problem with your letter. We don't make diaries. We don't sell diaries. We don't read diaries and we don't write in diaries. Dairies, we do know about, but diaries, we don't. As a matter of fact, Bubba and Billy Bob our Customer Care Department Whiners, they can't even write, much less read.

However, I think a solution to your problem is to purchase our Christmas Gift Pack for all your friends. You don't have to worry about size or color or even if your friends can read or write. So order a bunch of them soon and take the worry out of shopping.

Thank you for your letter and we are so happy that we could help you solve your problem. We do appreciate our valuable and repeat customers and we will be watching the mail for your order real soon.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Lizzy,

This is Bubba. Uncle Jim, he don’t read to good and misunderstood your letter. He thought you mean diaries, but when I read it I know you mean diareah. That bloody part gave it away. Well, may I suggest you buy some that pink medicine for the loose bowels, uh, pepto-business. That should take care of the problem.

And you welcome.

Whinningly yours
Bubba Whinnery, Head Customer Care Whiner


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12. I dont think I got this one....?

I dont think I got this, I'm sure as a matter of fact, ohhh well,

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Ms. Writress,

Isn't it great to be sure of yourself? But pluck up, your not the only one!

By the way, I just checked with our order department and learned that your order has not arrived. I know this is probably just a delay due to heavy Christmas mailing, so I will keep my eye out for your order. When your order arrives, I'll put my eye back in.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


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13. Letter Of Complaint

Dear Sir:

I would like to complain about one of your products, the 'C'ntry Boy' headphones(item #1138 in your catalogue). I bought them because a lot of my good friends have raved about your products. However, when I recieved said product and attempted to use them, no matter what I hooked them up to and no matter what was playing, all I ever, EVER heard was 'Dueling Banjos'! Now, if this is some kind of a joke, I don't appreciate it! I would like my money back, or a working set of these headphones!

Also, I would like to complain about your 'Typeriter' word program(item #1812 in the catalogue). Whenever I try to type, it changes my documents for the worse. I am a very highly educated man, and I know proper English. However, when I type anything in your program, it changes it so that my documents look and sound like they were typed by a southern woman with no education and a bad typewriter! I am not pleased with this product, and have enclosed it in it's original packaging so that I may recieve a full refund of it's original price of $27.42.

Sincerely,
Raymond P. Tedder

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Mr. Tedder (if that is your real name),

May I ask a question? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? You talk about CountryBoy headphones that play dueling banjos. What smatter with that? It’s a great song done well on the banjos. In addition to your poor judgement of musical quality, you can’t read either? Or did you just ignore the small print because there was a picture of a pretty girl on the packaging. I’ve heard about you guys.

Now, we actually do not market this product. We merely distribute it for the original manufacter. If you are in fact dissatisfied with the performance of the equipment, you should contact that company and their main office is located in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan. However, I think they have probably filed bankruptcy by now since it is my understanding they received a special shipment of something called “Bunker Busters,” no doubt something to help them break out in another market. So, just enjoy the music.

Now, about the other product. I have a report on you here on my desk. You state that you “are an educated man.” No, doubt there is a lot of truth in your statement. You, in fact, spend 16 years in public school where you earned gold stars in playing and home living and certificates for reading, writing and ciphering, as they indicate, “real good.” Then it says that you spent 10 years in post secondary school and following that expensive training, was employed by the Pickett Fence Co as a PhD (Posthole Digger) which was followed by employment at the Gates Associates Solid Salvage (G.A.S.S.), Co. as a Refuse Employed Technician, Can Handler (RETCH). So I’m sure this program has improved your typing ability and the appearance of your papers.

We appreciate your fine testimonial of all our products, both the ones we make and other we kindly distribute to help other up and coming young companies. May we include a testimonial from you in our next brochure? Thank you for permitting us to use your name, picture and signature and we will send you one of our Christmas Gift Packs as our gift.

Thank you again for your letter and may I suggest that you consider purchasing our Christmas Gift Pack in quantity to fill your gift giving needs. Eat a couple of these packs of goodies and your typing will look even better to you. We will have your order ready and we are waiting for your check which when it arrives, we will cash it.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Chief Whiner





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14. Re: Letter Of Complaint

What'd you mean an uneducated Southern Woman with a bad typewriter? Are you aiming those comments at me, didn't you read the RULES? LOL

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Susan,

Apparently you been reading the mail what comes to our Customer Care Deptartment. It is a firing offense for our employees to share this confidential mail with anyone outside the company. We can laugh at and make fun of these bozos what write us, but we must object when someone else has gained access to our system.
Bubba and Billy Bob ain't sofisticated enough to have secure email. What we have is Carrier Pigeon Email. THem what wants to send us email, types it and then ties it onto a pigeon and sends it to us. So, I can only surmise that you done shot one of our pigeons.

We gonna overlook this time, but if we be missing anymore birds, the high sheriff is gonna come looking fer you.

Remember, we are waiting for your Christmas Gift Pack order to arrive. Don't delay order today.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner


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15. Re: Re: Re: Letter Of Complaint

Dear Mr. Whinnery:

Was that a pigeon? Tasted just like chicken!!

THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Leave Your Message in the Tin Can by the big Oak Tree.
Red House, Mississippi
Telephone: 1 long and 2 short rings on the party line or tell the operator # 32

Dear Mrs. Graham,

Apparently you have discovered our corporate secret. We cannot afford real pigeons, so we use chickens. That way, when one dies, we don't lose everything but can have a chicken dinner. Therefore, please refrain from shooting our pigeons, the employees are hungry.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner