Zen and the Art of Bathing Your Baby

Zen and the Art of Bathing Your Baby

An Instructional Dialogue for Unaccustomed Fathers

The Delusion

I remember reading “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” in much the same way, I suppose, most people remember books they have read many years ago; The title is modestly clear, the characters are vague, the author is long forgotten, but a certain sense or feeling about the book remains for some time. After all these years the most enduring memory I have about “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” is the deep sense of disappointment I felt in thinking that I could never reach the level of internal peace that Robert Pirsig achieved, a peace conveyed through his motorcycle trips, motorcycle maintenance and the trance-like state he experienced while writing his instructional manuals. You see, I do not, nor do I ever expect to own a motorcycle and, if I ever do, I know I will be preoccupied with the cost of financing or the re-sale price and will be more likely to achieve a sense of inner convulsion than inner peace. As for conducting maintenance or repair on it, even if I had any inclination or talent to do so (which I do not) I could think of nothing more stressful than losing an irreplaceable rivet or accidentally cutting a brake cable, or tearing my knuckles apart as I permanently round a bolt that will need frequent adjustment. Consequently, I have feared I would go through life without the recipe for inner peace. Until recently I have managed on reruns of “All In The Family”, the occasional Canadian beer and high potency vitamins. This formula, however, is better suited for outward numbness than inner peace. The two can be easily misconstrued as the same, were it not for the irritability inevitably brought upon by the cancellation of your favorite TV program, the deep gashes caused to your hand as you unwittingly attempt to twist-off a beer cap otherwise requiring an industrial strength bottle opener, or some other force majeur which impresses upon you the delusion of your ways. Sometimes, if you are cloaked in outer numbness, you may never recognize the need for inner peace, unless you stumble upon it.

The Bait

I first recognized the possibility for inner peace quite by accident, well, actually by forceful coercion. After lengthy, stressful days alone at home with our three children, my wife made it very clear that bath time was something to be enjoyed by daddy and the kids. We currently delight in a four year old daughter, twin two year old boys and, as you might expect, incessant migraines. Clearly, her forceful suggestion was an attempt to secure, minimally, one half hour of silent, well deserved bliss. She claimed bathing the children would give me an opportunity to spend quality time with them, but I saw right through her bait, or so I thought I did. Initially I viewed “bath-time” as a function necessary to keep my wife sane, my marriage glued and my children recognizably clean, and, so, I obliged, but was convinced I would never enjoy it.

Being the task oriented person that I am, I was determined to develop an efficient system for bathing the children, a system akin to a well planned police raid - it would be quick, repetitive in nature and designed to minimize casualties. Much to my surprise, in my premature haste to get this, then unappreciated, task completed before the evening episode of “All In The Family”, I discovered peace.

The process, I now very much relish and will share with you, involved much trial and error and consequently I did not master the bathing procedure until our twin boys were born and only after several resuscitative attempts by Emergency Medical Services. The elaborate process and delicacy involved in bathing three children, at once, not only forced me to develop superb aquatic skills, it permitted me the opportunity to develop a precise system for bathing children. In the process of developing my system, I discovered peace. With the right attitude, tearless shampoo and the following instructions, you too can achieve a Zen-like state while bathing your children.

The Essentials

 At least one child, preferably under the age of thirteen; if a child is unavailable you may substitute a pet - most pets will do, although goldfish tend to have a less tranquil effect,
 A tub; if a tub is unavailable a kitchen sink will do - remember to chose the side opposite the garbage disposal, especially if you are bathing a boy,
 water; if water is unavailable, milk will do - preferably skim milk; avoid eggnog and alcoholic beverages - at least until the children are asleep,
 A bath-ring to hold your child in place (this may be necessary if your child is unable to hold him or herself up because of age, or you mistakenly used an alcoholic beverage); if a bath-ring is unavailable use the kitchen sink (refer above),
 Several bath toys, preferably toys that float and are not water absorbent- avoid electronics or board games,
 Tear-free soap (two); if tear-free soap is unavailable, use face soap and great caution,
 Tear-free shampoo; if tear free shampoo is unavailable, defer the bath and watch the evening episode of “All In The Family”,
 A sponge or other foaming device - no not beer (refer above),
 A large plastic cup,
 A small face cloth,
 A large bath towel,
 A towel or absorbent mat for the floor
 Diapers, if necessary (especially if you have to “go” while you are bathing the children - remember, never leave them unattended),
 A change of clothes - necessary for you as well as the children (especially if you forget the diapers), and
 Baby talc (and I don’t mean “goo-goo-gaa-gaa”).

The Preparation

You now have the essentials, but, before you start, put on a pair of shorts and a shirt you have no intention of wearing anytime soon, or possibly ever again - say that AC/DC shirt you’ve owned since high-school .

Fill the tub half full of lukewarm water (half empty if you are a pessimist). Do not use bubble bath as it will improve the chances of you losing your child amidst a mountain of bubbles and it makes it infinitely more difficult to rinse soap and shampoo off of the children. Place the bath-ring or rings in the tub and make sure the suction cups adhere well to the bottom of the tub. You must be careful to place the rings the desired distance from each other as you will never again be able to remove them without the aid of an industrial torch. Empty a bag of toys into the tub. Place the tearless soap, shampoo, foaming sponge, plastic cup and the face towel on the edge of the tub - these items must be within reach at all times - this will become evident as the instructions progress. It is very important that the children are not near the bathroom while you prepare the bath. If within eyesight of the tub, diapered children will inevitably be drawn into it (for much the same scientific reason that it rains on the day you wash your car). If they are drawn into the tub with diapers on, do not panic, just hire a small crane to remove the children. Once you are fully prepared, call in the children. Undress the children and sit on the edge of the tub with one foot in the water and lift each child into its respective ring. It is necessary to have one foot in the water for proper balance; it will also serve as a final test of the appropriateness of the water temperature. Once the children are in place, put both feet in the water - you are now committed. It is much easier if your feet remain in the water, and you sit on the edge of the tub throughout the bath. You are now ready to start.

The Line-up

Always start with the youngest child, so be sure to line up your children from youngest to oldest, from left to right, and always perform one bathing function, at a time, per child. Performing the same function, per child, repetitively, gives you great economies of scale and speeds the process. I am confident that Henry Ford’s revolutionary production line had its beginnings in his bath tub. Speed is important, as I have observed that a child’s desire to remain in the tub is highly correlated to its age, and inversely related to the amount of time you have available.

I recommend you start with the hair (of the youngest child, as prescribed above). This will undoubtedly create the biggest fuss and, invariably, the most crying. Some may question the wisdom of starting with the hair, but, we are dealing with children and practicality always outweighs wisdom. It is important to get the crying out of the way early and quickly; in-fact I recommend that you do all of your crying at least one minute before starting the bath.

The Head

Create a visor, by stretching one hand, palm down, firmly and flat across the forehead, the thumb towards one ear and the index finger towards the other. The hand should be placed roughly at the hairline. If you don’t remember where that is, refer to your high-school graduation picture. Press firmly - OK, this should help with your headache, now repeat it on your child. Tilt the head gently back. With your free hand fill the plastic cup and pour it quickly over the child’s hair, using the “visor” to minimize water to the eyes. You will not avoid water contact with the eyes altogether. In-fact you will be lucky to avoid water contact with the ceiling. This is usually the point in time when the fortuitous screaming begins - but you really should avoid it as it frightens the children.

Once the hair has been wet, the hand, heretofore a visor, should be used in a “squeegee-like” motion, from the forehead towards the mouth, to wipe away the water (and the tears). You may supplement the drying process with the face towel. The screaming should cease at this point, which means you can now hear your wife yelling, “what the @!&*@ is going on up there.” Rest assured that she will not approach the bathroom, so as to minimize her involvement and, as experience will by now have shown her, it is much more convenient to stay close to a phone, should she need to call EMS again.

CONGRATLATIONS - You have now wet your child’s hair. Repeat with the next child. You must be quick with subsequent children so as not to find your first child completely submerged in search of his “sponge-like” Barney doll (remember, floating toys only).

Return to the first child and apply a small amount of tearless shampoo and massage gently into hair. It helps if you use a tickling motion and you make “giggly” sounds (refer to your high-school graduation dance). If at this point you lose your forearms in an eruption of suds, you have used too much shampoo. Adjust accordingly for the next child. If the child’s neck is not sturdy, press the forehead against your leg for support (further support can often be obtained from fathers in like predicaments, over a beer, on Friday night). This is a good time to clean the ears, especially behind the ears where small land masses can sometimes accumulate…don’t bother with soap, use the shampoo. A song is usually appropriate at this time for additional soothing effect; farm songs work best for me, Metallica was a disaster.

To rinse, revert to the visor routine. It is now best to move the visor beyond the child’s hairline - much closer to where your hairline may now be. Start rinsing the back of the head first. This will minimize any possible eye irritation as even tearless shampoo is more irritating than water, but still infinitely less irritating than Harvey Keitel. Slowly move the visor forward as you rinse the rest of the head, repeating the squeegee and face toweling effect, as necessary (this action also doubles as a good face wash).

At this point you are about done with the face towel, but, before you toss it, use it to mildly dry the children’s hair. It is best to get all head related functions out of the way early and let the children end the bath in enjoyment. Also, with some modest hair drying (as opposed to the flamboyant drying you may have become accustomed to), the hair is likely to be dry by the time you finish with the body(s).

You have now washed the head. Remember, although constituting only a small portion of the child, the head is about 80% of the work.

The Body

You are now ready to wash the body of child number one, that is once you locate the soap which your children have by now predictably thrown into the bath. Move your hands slowly along the now murky water in search of the soap. Your search will be hampered by the myriad of toys at the bottom of the tub - remember, floating toys only. If my experience is any predictor, you may never find the soap, thus the need for two bars of soap.

Use the remaining bar to foam up the sponge, or alternative foaming device (no, not beer - yet). Do not attempt to use the bar of soap directly on the child as it will undoubtedly slip from your hands to join its slippery mate in an attempted escape. Furthermore, a foaming sponge will wash an entire child in one fell-swoop and it creates a thicker lather which children mistake for bubbles and is sure to capture their attention for a long enough period to complete the body wash. Stand and hold the child against yourself for a good body-wash.

Once washed, sit the child down and move on to the next. When you have washed your last child, return to the first child with a full cup of water to rinse off the soap suds which it may not have already consumed.

Your children are now washed. Let them play for a few minutes, this gives you some time to massage your back and regain your Homo Erectus composure. It helps to press your back firmly against the wall, while jutting your feet out slightly, as if you were holding up the wall (refer to your high-school graduation dance).

The Drying

Now that you can stand up straight again, you are ready for the drying. Pick up an oversized bath towel and tease your child towards it, as you would a bull to a red cape. If your children refuse to leave the tub, pull the plug and tell them they will be sucked into the drain - this is sure to induce tub evacuation and years of therapy. When your child jumps into your arms, engulf your child in the towel, from head to toe. This will allow full body drying in less than a minute and gives you a much longed for opportunity for a quality hug. This is a wonderful way to end what will prove to be a wet, but nonetheless serene experience. Once dry, lie the child on the once absorbent floor mat, now drowned in expelled water, using the large bath towel as a pillow. Powder and diaper the child. Repeat as necessary.



The Zen Experience

As you undoubtedly will come to learn, the concentration necessary for a successful and satisfying bath is sufficiently intense to divert your attention from any other goings on in your life; Alas, true peace.

The Beer

Now, the Beer.

The End

The End.




























PRD 6/98