God won’t dream

a girl who will soon die

I lay free. The grass pushing into my back gently, allowing my existence that much closer to the sun. Perhaps it’s attempting to give me my dreams? The clouds full of them- millions of dreams from billions of people, all flying in the sky for there will always be people too fearful to soar. The other millions of billions? Split 70:30, 70% not having been blessed with the privilege of dreaming, 30% lucky others who are living the life entrenched in their teenage selves. Her? She dreamt every single second of every single day. Her mind flitting between endless options and versions and manifestations of lives that were, alas, utterly intangible- for she’d only been offered a mere 30 years when others complained with their 50. Why had God done this? Given her a mind so capable of illustrating endless ambitions, yet giving her a body incapable of meeting them. fuck cancer. Was god real? Was he a deity watching above, his feet resting in the dreams stored in the clouds- mocking them? Or was he, as Daniel Bae once proclaimed, the beautiful resting connection between all of us- an invisible string pulled taut between all our individual souls. Is god real? Her head turned to the body laid next to her, legs and limbs tangled in such a way of an elegant clutter. This man beside her: the very reason that her once indifferent reaction to her years alive had become anger and dejection. She couldn’t leave him. In every one of those dreams her brain was constantly scouting he was the only recurring factor: a dancer, a painter, a doctor, a poet, a musician- it was always him. She reached out to claim him hers, feel the hands that touched her so gently, the eyes that looked upon her so adoringly, the mouth that kissed her so deeply. She is his. He is hers, and yet in five years that ‘is’ would become ‘was’ and her name once so comfortable on his tongue would be replaced by another. Is god real? And so she lay here not wanting to start something she could not finish and make this even harder. He stayed with her, allowing himself to be dragged down further even when the destination deepened to a point of not return. Is god real? She did not know, and so she hoped that when the light finally embraced her, God would be as all merciful as they say.