Comedy With Me

1. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

2. What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

3. My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife.

4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.

5. Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

6. Did you hear about the actor who broke his leg onstage? He's still in the cast.

7. How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.

8. What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

9. Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

10. I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

11. Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

12. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

13. What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

14. I had a date last night, and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a fig.

15. What did the police officer say to his belly button? You're under a vest.

16. My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" to her. I said, "Maybe..."

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17. What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.

18. What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.

19. What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.

20. Why did the lobster blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

21. Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

22. What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

23. What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.

24. My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

25. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

26. Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

27. What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.

28. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

29. How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? By the bark.

30. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

31. Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.

32. Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

33. When does a joke become a "dad joke?" When it becomes apparent.

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Funny Dad Jokes
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34. Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.

35. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

36. Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.

37. What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.

38. What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci.

39. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

40. I want to make a brief joke, but it's a little cheesy.

41. Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.

42. Why did the cow pack up its bags and move to Hollywood? To be in the moo-vies.

43. Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

44. 5/4 of people admit they're bad at fractions.

45. Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!

46. You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European.

47. I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

48. Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.

Related: 200 Jokes for Kids

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49. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

50. It takes guts to be an organ donor.

51. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

52. What does "Rockin' Robin" do when she's bored? Tweet.

53. I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

54. Why did Waldo go to therapy? Because he needed to find himself.

55. How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.

56. What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.

57. Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.

58. What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.

59. How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together.

60. What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.

61. Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school.

62. What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.

63. Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot.

Related: 15 Funny Numbers To Call if You Want To Crack Up

Bad Dad Jokes
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64. I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.

65. Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

66. Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.

67. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

68. Shouldn't the "roof" of your mouth actually be called the ceiling.

69. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because its mother was in a jam.

70. Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.

71. Stop looking for the perfect match…use a lighter.

72. I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.

73. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.

74. What do you call someone who won't stick to a diet? A desserter.

75. What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.

76. What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.

77. If you see a burglary at an Apple store, you become an iWitness.

78. If the early bird gets the worm, I'll sleep in until there's pancakes.

79. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

80. I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?

81. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

82. What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!

83. What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can't wait to squeeze you!

84. What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!

85. Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

86. Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, "That's a novel concept."

87. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Related: 135 Good, Clean Jokes That'll Make You Laugh Your Pants Off

Corny Dad Jokes
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88. Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself? Because it was too tired.

89. What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

90. How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.

91. What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.

92. How can you mend a broken pumpkin? Use a pumpkin patch.

93. If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

94. Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.

95. I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

96. Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

97. What do you call spiders who just got married? Newly-webs.

98. RIP boiled water—you will be mist.

99. What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.

100. What has one head, one foot and four legs? A bed.

101. Sore throats are a pain in the neck.

102. What does a house wear? Address.

103. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.

104. What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries.

105. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

106. My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don't think they'll fit me.

107. I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

108. How do you know when a chicken is evil? It lays deviled eggs.

109. What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.

110. I didn't get a haircut, I got them all cut.

111. Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks? Minnesota.

112. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing—they fast.

113. What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? "Cool Ranch!"

114. How do cows shop? From cattle-logs.

115. I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

116. People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!

117. I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

118. What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.

119. Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.

120. I like telling Dad jokes…sometimes he laughs.

121. How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.

122. The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

123. What's the most patriotic sport? Flag football.

124. Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear.

125. Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.

126. What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.

127. What do you call a baby sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.

128. What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"

129. Why are pigs bad drivers? Because they hog the road.

130. What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.

131. What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? "It's a dog eat dog world out there."

132. Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.

133. What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing.

134. Why did two tall people get along so well? They could really see eye to eye.

135. Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.

136. What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft.

137. Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro.

Related: Lettuce Entertain You: 50 of the Most Delectable Food Jokes Ever

Hilarious Dad Jokes
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138. Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles.

139. Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes! Hailing taxis.

140. Why did the physicist and the biologist break up? Because they had no chemistry.

141. If you feel like someone is watching you, you're not alone.

142. Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.

143. Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.

144. How do birds learn how to fly? They wing it!

145. What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.

146. What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.

147. How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.

148. What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? "You've been on fire!"

149. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

150. Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.

151. What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? "Let's table this."

152. I was going to tell a joke about water, but it was too tasteless.

153. Why couldn't the duck be quiet? Because it was addicted to quack.

154. Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.

155. Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.

156. Why did the baseball player get arrested? Because he stole second base.

157. Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.

158. Why did the pug buy a clock? It wanted to be a watchdog.

159. Where do hamburgers go to dance? The meatball.

160. How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.

161. What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? "I'm a big fan"