In Passing

"Evenin' Joe."

"Hey there, Bert. How's things?"

"Not so bad. Mustn't grumble, mustn't grumble. So it's a Frenchy Defence is it?"

"Looks like it. Check out the weedy little prat they pushed onto e6. 'HEY DICKHEAD, WHAT'S THE MATTER? E5 NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YA?' Look at the wuss, can't even make eye contact."

"Hey up, Joe, here comes his pal onto d5. This guy really fancies himself. 'OOOOH, WE'RE REAL SCARED!' He's giving you the evil eye—go on, have the bugger."

"Got to wait for instructions from the bigwigs, Bert. Can't be havin' us grunts on the ground doin' anythin' as unseemly as, you know, givin' these bastards a right good kickin'. 'One has to play it by the rules, don'cha know, old chap.' Jesus. Look at that chinless wonder back there. Run a war? I wouldn't trust the dopey sod to run a brothel in a barrack square."

"That bint of a wife of his would probably be in her element, if you believe half the stories you hear. She's been pretty free with her royal prerogative, if you know what I mean. Oh for fuck's sake, don't look now, but here comes Sir Prancealot onto c3. 'Comes from a good family' my hairy arse. Bunch of cousin-shaggers. Look at the Adam's Apple on him - you'd think he'd swallowed a cricket ball."

"I say there, you chaps - eyes front and no talking in the ranks, what!"

"Arsehole. Here comes their bishop onto b4. That's put the wind right up the inbred twat. Look at 'im sittin' up there, Joe—he's crappin' 'imself! Hah! '

"To hell with their bloody bishop, this comedian on d5 is windin' me right up. I'm goin' to smash his face in...Hang on...What did that silly old prick say, Bert?"

"E5. Looks like you're advancin', Joe."

"Jesus Christ! I mean, what's the point? What is the bloody point? You get right up close, and the buggers won't let you fight. 'YEAH, PAL, YOU KEEP SMIRKIN'. TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.' E5. E-bloody-5. Honestly. Better watch yourself, Bert, they're sendin' up another one to c5."

"I see 'im, I see 'im. I could take the bugger with one hand tied behind me back. Now Mad Jack on the a-file is steppin' up to have a pop at their God-botherer."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

"What the fuck was that?"

"Their bishop's just given Sir I-Am-My-Own-Grandpa a bloody good kickin' on c3. I knew the useless bastard would be no good in a fight. I'd rather have some guttersnipe coverin' my back who knows how to look after 'imself in a punch-up."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

"Now bloody what? I can't see a soddin' thing from over here."

"B-file Charlie has just sorted their bishop out."

"'WAHEY, CHARLIE! GOOD ON YA, MY SON! SHOW THESE BLOODY NOBS HOW WE DO THINGS DOWN OUR WAY!' Look at this now. What do we have here? Milady Hoity-Toity has decided to get involved. Christ, they're gettin' the girls to do their fightin' now. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear."

"Don't speak too soon, Joe. Old Yo-Yo Knickers is stickin' her oar in over on your right."

"Eh? You're kiddin' me! God almightly, this is turnin' into a right shambles. Why can't they just stay at home and polish the damn weapons?"

I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king!

"'GOD BLESS YOU, MA-AM!' Silly bitch...Bugger me! Look at this one, Bert! Right onto f5, bold as brass. And he's givin' old Bend-over Brenda the chat. Cheeky bugger. Right! I'm goin' to teach this one not to mess with our womenfolk. She may be a daft slut, but she's our daft slut."

"You sure you're allowed, Joe? I mean, he is on f5."

"It's in the rules, me old mucker. En passant they call it. 'RIGHT, YOU BASTARD—GET THIS RIGHT UP YE!'"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

"Got 'im! Did you see that, Bert? Dropped the fucker right in 'is tracks!"

"'Ere, Joe. I ain't sure that was the smartest of moves. I mean, f6? I'd get the hell out of there if I was in your shoes."

"Ah, shit..."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

"For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile, this day shall gentle his condition."

"Oh do shut up, you silly cow."


French Defence, Winawer Variation "Poisoned Pawn" ▼

1. e4 e6 2. d4 d5 3. Nc3 Bb4 4. e5 c5 5. a3 Bxc3+ 6. bxc3 Qc7 7. Qg4 f5 8. exf6 e.p.?