EMDR - The Beginning and Middle

Here I am documenting my therapy and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).
My end goal is to identify and process my triggers and emotions as I have them which will hopefully help with coregulating
and companionship inside of a long term relationship. I have identified and am processing Shame, Fear and Abandonment.

11/29/2025

I had another EMDR session today. Well, a prep session anyway. I've been introduced to the process, done a few grounding exercises with the machine and the therapist. I'm doing the little buzzers in my hands. I guess it's similar to tapping which a lot of people seem to like. I felt surprisingly calm after. That's 2 for 2. I can dig it. Abby, the therapist lady has given me some techniques for deactivating myself since there's a good chance I'm gonna lose my shit. (My words, not hers). They tell me once I'm opened up it's like walking around with a gaping wound. Sounds delightful, right? At least I get to go sit in the chair every week, now. No pain, no gain. AMIRITE? Today I gave her 2 super early memories I'd like to dive into where I was 5 or 6 years old. I chose 2 current beliefs I have associated with those memories and 2 NEW beliefs I would like to have reprocessed and moved out of my body and into long term memory.

One Memory is where my Dad took me to meet his Girlfriend who was a helicopter pilot and promised me I'd get to fly in the Helicopter the next day. The next day when I woke up and asked him about it, he acted like I was crazy and he didn't know what I was talking about. Presumably because my Mom was present. I remember that I convinced myself It was only a dream for a long time. It took my adult brain to figure out what really happened here. My two beliefs based on this memory are: 1)People can't be trusted. 2)I don't feel safe openly showing emotion. The two new beliefs I would like to have reprocessed are 1) Some people CAN be trusted 2)More importantly I can trust my own judgement.

The other one is where I swallowed a whole bottle of bubblegum children's Tylenol. I was rushed to the ER and had my stomach pumped with charcoal. I think these two memories are close together because I lived in the same house and we moved around a lot. So, probably 6 years old, maybe. One of the beliefs I have is I should have known better. I don't remember what else I told her, I didn't take notes. Shoulda coulda, woulda. I think this one is a little tougher because it's easy to judge with an adult mind. I just remember being really scared and felt like I was in trouble.

The Helicopter thing I think is also the start of a weird trigger I currently have; when people around me don't do what they say they will do. For some reason this causes me to lash out and get aggressive. I've kept my circle small, and that seems to manage it. And I don't commit to plans with my Dad. This is the only trigger I've been able to identify so far. I'm sure there's more. I have one that makes me shut down, but I haven't been able to catch it to identify what causes it yet.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. I'm looking forward to adding to this once I get a little deeper. This is NOT a fast process. I've got to be at least a dozen sessions in, already. If not, more.

12/6--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to my next session yesterday. I've been dealing with some feelings of inadequacy and second guessing my own judgement coupled with annoying remnants of limerence. Also, some embarrassment on what I'd say regarding my behavior if I ever saw her again. Abby Suggested maybe we try going backwards starting with current events first. As I sat there with the buzzers I pictured her face became angry and a little bit sad. I rated the distress an 8. Once the EMDR machine came on, I felt the buzzers in my hand and I felt my jaw become tight. In that first round I decided I was only angry at myself. I came to the conclusion pretty quickly that that woman was just mirroring me. In the second round the anger subsided and turned into sadness. I, in fact was overcompensating from a place of insecurity and ignoring what I knew to be her lying to my face from the second I met her because I felt lonely. I chose to accept pain rather than feel alone. That revelation was right there at the surface and I got there in the first 10 minutes.

Round 3. I then went a little deeper, what were these feelings of not being enough and feeling lonely? During this round I developed an intense knot in my stomach which I identified as fear. I went right into my childhood self at 12 years old and felt an overwhelming wave of sadness and helplessness. I didn't get much from that round besides those feelings. It was really hard to stay with. But at the end of the next round that knot of fear in my stomach had moved to my sternum. "If that feeling in your chest could say something, what would it say?" I didn't even have to think about it. "help".

Help? Help what? Help who? So weird. Round 5 I started thinking about that little guy feeling upset hiding in the bedroom. I got a weird floaty transcendent feeling. Like, the first time you drink too much and rise above your body. It felt awesome! Unfortunately, I disassociated. That's never happened to me before and not why I'm here. Apparently that's what we're supposed to be aiming for in meditation but not in EMDR.

Round 6? Thinking about the sensation in my sternum and the word "help". I got a little traction back here. I feel an intense need to do everything by myself. Why is it impossible for me to ask for help? I want to ask for help. I don't want to carry the refrigerator by myself but for some reason I feel like I have to. I started feeling a little floaty again towards the end here. It's funny, now that I'm just reflecting on this experience and writing about it I know exactly where to go with this, but couldn't see it in the moment.

There may have been another round or two here. I don't remember. What I do remember is I was asked to picture that woman's face and what my distress rating was. Oddly, a 2. "Go with that" she says. I go into another round and It wasn't a 2. Maybe a 0. All I could say is wow. Seems pretty inconsequential now. It's not bothering me at all. That's awesome. What would I say to her if I ever saw her again? "Sorry, it didn't work" Fucking A! Here we go! This is why I'm paying all this money! Even now as I'm typing this, I feel light and I have a smile on my face regarding this stupid roadblock. Freedom!

We then did one final grounding round and I smelled some weird essential oils. I love the grounding. Feels calm and awesome.

It was described to me that what I'm doing here is pulling back the layers of the onion. It was never about the girl. I was just using that to protect myself. I hit something with my younger self, but got blocked, like I thought I might. I'm supposed to keep an eye on what's coming up for me over the next few days. Should be simple enough. I'm increasing frequency of treatment and going back Monday. Maybe 1.5 treatments per week. Up from once every 2 weeks with Psychotherapy.

We talked a little bit about reparenting the inner child. I started doing that a few weeks ago, but kind of let it drop off. It's tough to make time to light a candle and color or play video games or whatever. So I'm going to work on figuring out a nightly routine that involves some of this stuff.

I like going to therapy and I look forward to it all week. I've always used friends, my boss or whoever is around to talk about "real stuff" and it's not fair to them. I'm pretty happy with the results of this session. It's given me a fresh perspective and motivation to keep going.

12/13--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday I had another session of EMDR. Prior to that, specifically over the weekend; I went to target to do some shopping. I found myself getting increasingly paranoid while in the store. I could swear that one of the employees was following me. Every time I turned an isle, this guy was straightening things on the shelf and moving stuff around. He ended up following me to the self checkout and doing something on the machine next to me. It took a lot for me to not say anything to this guy. In my mind, it was a loss prevention guy making sure I wasn't stealing anything. I've experienced this feeling of unease and feeling like I'm doing something wrong MANY times. Sometimes I ask the clerk at the checkout to "help me" to make that feeling go away. I feel an intense need to prove that I'm not doing anything wrong.

I discussed this with my therapist and all signs point to unresolved shame. I feel shame about calling that girls ex to try to vet her. At one point I got so paranoid, I thought the two of them were conspiring against me. No trust and a lot of shame. My intuition was on point about her lying about things that really didn't matter , but still feels bad. So, after 2 short EMDR sessions about HIM, this time, the phone conversations and him trying to interrogate me. I felt some relief and got to the next layer of the onion which is the feeling of doing something wrong. Shame.

Going into the next round of EMDR equipped with that feeling of shame and focused on it, I was brought back to a memory of finding a huge black pill the medicine cabinet of my old house I grew up in. I remember asking my Mom what it was which started an argument between my parents. "Why don't you tell your son about the speed you have in here, Michael?" I can hear it vividly. Then I started thinking about all the secrets I had to keep for my Dad. I was feeling embarrassed and shameful. Abby told me that this shame and embarrassment was not mine.

During the next round I envisioned standing in front of my Father and two glowing orbs, one was red and one was blue. They were leaving my chest, traveling to my father and entering him. I don't know that this really did anything for me. Looking back, I think my brain is just looking for any excuse to not go to the actual problem.

I did a couple more rounds, as I imagined myself as an 11 or 12 year old boy. I don't really remember them too well. But, it was really interesting that I keep going back to that age, and I know why.

We ended the session. I felt comfortable in my own skin after the grounding round. Abby says there are two traumas that are holding me back. She says she can draw them out of me, but prefers to let them come naturally because it's better that way. My sessions have been 60 minutes, but she says she's going to make them 90. I remember leaving feeling a little deflated. I got the "vibe" that she was disappointed in me and I hate that she's increasing the time spent in session and keeping the cost at the reduced rate for me. I want to be as efficient as possible in these sessions out of respect for her time. I just realized, here it is again. The feeling like I'm doing something wrong. Common Theme here.

A couple of days passed. I woke up extra early on Wednesday morning feeling energized. Can I just say, trauma work is exhausting? I spent a while in quiet meditation in the early hours. I let the feeling of shame wash over me. I thought about my Target trip, other shopping trips and me talking to the girls ex. I was really curious about all of this and what the connection is.

Transported to 11 or 12 years old. I was standing in the hallway of my old house in front of my Mother. The look of disgust and disillusion on her face. "What are you doing going into your sisters room?" "I was going to play a prank on her" was what I said. I used to go sleep in the bed with my sister at night and we would touch each other. This was the moment my Mom caught me, caught us. I don't know how to narrate this. I feel my heart racing right now as I'm typing. This was the moment my life changed. I was brought to counseling. They asked me questions that I couldn't answer, like "What do you feel before or when you're with your sister" "Did you have sex with your sister?" "Did she say no?" "How many times have you touched your sister?" It's all slowly coming back to me now. I've blocked it out for a long time. The question I have now, is why did it have to go to such an extreme? As an adult, I now know that this is pretty common between siblings. But, because of our 5 year age difference, I was put through the court system, and put on probation. All because I wasn't able to communicate, I feel. I wasn't mature enough to know what sex was or the feeling of curiosity. My Mother (who raised me on her own) had her own sexual traumas and never talked to me about the birds and bees. But, that's neither here nor there. I feel immense shame and my inner child is so very sorry and embarrassed. I believe that I shut down for quite a few years after this incident. It's difficult to keep it together while I think about this.

In the weeks after this, I have another memory of my Mother coming into my room and ripping all of my Witchblade comic book posters off of the walls in a rage because I wasn't doing well in school. Mmore shame. More embarassment. No communication. Bad boy. Girls are bad, sex is bad. You are bad. Bad, bad, bad. That was just the beginning for me, because I failed 8th grade 3 times after that and eventually dropped out to work and care for my Mother who was dying.. I was in and out of Juvenile Detention due to truancy. Everything seemed to snowball. After the first time I failed 8th grade, there was an age gap between myself and my classmates which made making friends hard and I continued to shut down. I found Ultima Online, a computer game that I invested all of my time in from the ages of 12-16. I'd stay awake at night playing and be too tired to go to school in the morning. My Mom canceled the phone line, but I went up into the attic of our town house and tapped into the neighbors' phone for my modem. UO became my coping strategy and way to escape for a long time. Years passed and UO turned into drinking/drugging, Military boarding School and then homelessness after my Mom died of cancer when I was 16.

So, I think I've hit something here. I typed Abby a pretty lengthy text acknowledging this. She asked if I wanted an appointment today, but I'm out of town until the weekend. I would, but I can't.

When I feel Shame, my body experiences:

Tightness and Fluttering in my upper chest and throat

Shaking. Most noticeably in my upper body, especially my neck and head.

A runny nose.

Shortness of breath

I've decided to name this feeling (shame) Gerald as suggested by Arielle, my previous therapist. The name just came to me, and I think it's kind of funny to be like "Fuck you, Gerald. Go away. I don't need you here" This is pretty heavy, otherwise.

I have my next EMDR session on Monday. I'm pretty certain that this is the memory or close to the memory that I keep disassociating from. The more I think about it, the more I'm able to recall. It's coming in little pieces. I hope I can find the courage to open up about it with Abby because it's incredibly difficult for me to think/write or talk about this.

I really want to get better. I want to stop being defensive and seeing the worst in everything. I want to be able to forgive myself and love and protect little Mikey. He didn't have anybody to listen to him or advocate for him or teach him. The feeling of not being enough, feeling like I need to hide, feeling like a monster or an outcast are outdated. I've turned into a great person. I'm honest and dependable and compassionate because of the pain that I've experienced. I'm afraid of women and I'm afraid of making the first move. This has lead to so many problems for me. What I would give for someone to tell me I'm a good boy. I'm working on doing that for myself.

So there it is. I think I'm in it, now.


12-17——————————————————————————

I went into my session yesterday determined to open up no matter how uncomfortable it made me. Abby is the first therapist who’s ever suggested talking to my sister about what happened between us. We discussed that yesterday. All previous therapists have told me to keep it to myself so that I don’t open up old wounds for her. I’ll think about that for a while. I think my sister is okay. Christmas doesn’t seem like a good time, anyway. I’m working up to it and finding the words. Let’s put it that way.

Enter EMDR round 1: I visualized standing in the hallway outside my sisters bedroom while standing in front of my mother. I visualized her face and let the idea that I am a bad person wash over me. That would be my current belief surrounding this experience. Surprisingly, I didn’t become as emotional as I had in the week leading up to this session. I definitely felt the shame somatically in my stomach and chest and I was able to picture the look of shock and disgust on my Mothers face.

As I’m writing this right now, I’m able to notice a different feeling high in my chest. Tingly and numb. I don’t know what that means.

I had a hard time connecting over the next couple rounds but eventually found my groove again. I am/was upset that my relationship with my mother changed after that incident. Although, I feel for both her and my sister. My mother was never able to reciprocate affection after that. I grew up in a different time. I think possibly My mother had her own sexual trauma that she projected on to me. Whoever hurt her, I think maybe she saw them in me. She only lived another 4 years after that, so I’ll never know for sure. But I think that’s why she’d never hug me back afterwards. That was very painful for me because we were so close right up until then. I have to believe that she did the best that she could with the tools that she had. She was trying to protect both Daughter and Son.

If I’m being honest, I don’t remember the details between rounds here. I spoke with Abby about my Mom having her own traumas. We spoke about the girl across the street “activating” my sexual curiosity earlier than normal. We spoke about siblings experimenting together and that being more common than anyone wants to admit. I was able to admit that my sister gave me my first orgasm, which still feels weird and uncomfortable to say.

Then she asked me what I would have done with myself as a child, had I been there to parent myself. I’d have taught myself. I’d have made sure that I was comfortable enough to ask questions about sex. I wouldn’t have demonized it. I would have tried to hear and understand where my younger self was coming from. I would have been patient, loving and curious.

Before I left, we spoke briefly about this belief holding back my sex life. Always afraid to make the first move. I can’t ever seem to get enough consent or signals for me to be comfortable. Abby asked if I ever had any dark images during sex or masturbation. I got kind of scared about this question and asked for clarification. She was asking if I ever thought of hurting anyone or myself or if I had any kinks. Sad to say, no. I am extremely vanilla. I was assured that was preferred and easier to heal- going forward. I have to say, that’s a relief, I’ve always been a little embarrassed that I haven’t found any interesting things that excites me. But we will save that for another day.

I’m curious what else will come up over the next week. From the previous patterns it seems that the next layer will show itself over the next week and before my next session.

I am a little skeptical that it could be that easy to let this shame go. The EMDR seems to be working. It hasn’t let me down yet. I wish I could trust it more. I have a feeling trust is where I’m going in the near future.

We shall see.

12/24------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the last week, I haven't had much time to ruminate and my self-care has fallen off quite a bit. Out of the last 7 days, I only worked out and journaled; 3. I've been traveling out of town for work for the last 5 weeks and it's slowly starting to wear on me. This week, my apprentice decided he wasn't going to take the trip with me. Lucky for me; my boss was fighting with his wife and decided to come for some peace and quiet.

I spent the week working and listening to my boss. I remained neutral and made sure not to give any kind of advice. I actually like listening to people and their problems. It makes me feel important. I did start getting tired of it on the 5th day if I'm being honest.

Usually in the week following my EMDR certain things will come up for me. Associated memories, self reflection and I'll kind of know where to go next. I didn't get any of that this week. I attribute that to being so busy and distracted. However, I did spend some time thinking about my Mom and my sister and something definately shifted inside me since last week. I feel like I'm maybe starting to develop some compassion for myself. When I think about how my mom handled sex education or the lack of with my sister and I, I don't feel distraught. I don't feel shame. I have some feelings of disappointment. But now I also feel some empathy for my Mother. I now believe that she was probably projecting her own traumas on us and did the best she could with the resources she had at the time; 28 years ago.

I've been invited to Christmas with my sister who is 4 hours away. I want to go but I have to do a bunch of work to make that happen in short order. I would like to start closing the gap that I've created in our relationship and open the lines of communication. I definitely want to talk about growing up together, but I'll save that for later and I'm going to be vague so I can gauge her reaction and go from there. The last thing I want to do is resurface any Traumas my sister has. My goal for talking about this is simply to redevelop that relationship and become comfortable having deep conversations with her.

I met a nice girl on a dating app. We've been going back and fourth for a couple weeks. She gave me her number last week but I haven't called, yet. I told her I had a little bit of anxiety because I wanted to be more authentic. She says "call or don't". Perfect answer for me. Something is holding me back. I've identified it as fear. Fear of being seen for who I am and either being rejected or that information being used against me. I've been really clear with her and the other women I've talked to that I'm looking for friendship, first. I thought that would eliminate the scaries, but it's like Abby said; "Women are my final boss", I guess. So, I'm just being gentle with myself. Not putting too much pressure on myself and letting the Universe do it's thing. I don't want to chase anymore. It doesn't work and it feels bad. I seem to be on the fence for some reason, even with no expectations. I'm not ready, I guess. I'm just going to call this a temperature check and continue focusing on myself for a while.

It's important to notice that I've been feeling super tired and vulnerable for the last month or so. I think that coincides with the EMDR and reprogramming. It seems to take 4 or 5 GOOD nights of rest to come back to my baseline. There's been a couple times this week that I cried, but it was different. I wasn't sad. I was happy. I cried at a Sunrise last week, and a little bit during my session yesterday when I realized I wasn't feeling shameful, anymore. It was a little bit embarrassing. Nobody saw, except my therapist. But, I'm okay with that. I think I'm starting to become unblocked, which is what I want. To become more in touch with my younger self and freely express my emotions and show my inner playfulness.

My EMDR session yesterday was king of short. I did 30 minutes talk therapy and 30 minutes EMDR. I got in a small fight with my boss over the week about placement of a wood beam and got triggered. He wanted to "stage" it. Hold it in place, put a couple nails in it, and then take it down so the ceiling could be finished first, and then put it back up. I suggested just installing the thing and covering it for paint/sheetrock work. He didn't like that idea. I didn't like the idea of doubling the amount of work. I feel like he doesn't respect my time. This caused me to fawn. "Ok, we will do whatever you say". That beam is still sitting on the floor as we speak. Nothing got done.

So, with the belief "I am not in control"; I processed that with buzzers in hand, which led me to exactly that feeling. Not having any control led me to a memory of moving away from all of my friends in NY which was pretty upsetting for me. That memory led to Hotel hopping with my Mom and Sister because my Dad was drinking and drugging. Feelings of helplessness and no control. And then I was brought back to a memory of my Dad coming home drunk and beating on me and my Mother. Mom was yelling for him to leave and I put myself in front of her to try and protect her. I have a hazy memory of this but it's starting to come back more each time I recall it. The important thing to remember is how I felt and how these memories connect. Feelings of helplessness. Lack of control. Fear. My new belief is that "My opinions and feelings are valid". As I sit here, it feels more true, but not completely true if that makes sense.

I also had a small revelation during this session. My hypervigilance comes from watching my Father when he came home. Looking for facial cues or any hints on whether he was drinking or high. I'm not sure how to process this, but I've identified it. I ran out of time in my session, and ended it on kind of a heavy note. It's weird how all the heavy stuff comes at the end each time. I think it takes a little while (40 minutes or so for me) to get comfortable enough to tap into the important stuff. The sessions are still 60 minutes. Abby has mentioned making them 90 a few times, but I don't want to push for it since she reduced my cost for me. I ordered her a little therapy-themed crochet potato-guy on Etsy for $12, but it won't be here in time for Christmas. The office will be closed next week. My next appointment is on the 6th. That works out nicely for me because I'll be heading south again next week, by myself this time. I'll find a helper at Home Depot if I need an extra set of hands. Juan Pablo, my helper; is in Columbia for the next 3 weeks. I'm really looking forward to all of this time alone to ponder the Universe and get in touch with myself.

That's all I have to report for this week. Last week was a little intense for me, so I welcome the lighter load.