A confession of my everlasting love

A confession of my everlasting love

It was you, from the first day we met I just mistook my interest in you and discarded it but that didn't last long, you consumed my waking hours.
I had to know more about you.
I had to have you.

You were a mystery I wasn't letting stay unsolved.
You intrigued me in ways no one ever had before.
At first, I wouldn't see you; I would see this aura, this beautiful aura, and it was calling me, begging me to discover what was within.

You sent a heart and my own heart skipped a beat, did I have a chance with such a divine entity as yourself?
I do pray so.

We Facetimed yet you tell me you don't call with people, did that make a special?
Am I still special?
It's been months since we last called. Would you still agree to it now?I know things have changed but I am still yours.

I take silent pictures of you, hoping to catch a glimpse of your aura on my tiny screen, but nothing could capture such raw beauty.
Alas, I did my best to frame you in such a way, in a longing type of way. Pinning.

‘I've never found someone as interesting as i find you’- 7th june it's been exactly 4 months and i still find you beyond interesting, a mystery i am slowly unwinding, slowly unraveling your truth and your darkness but i wouldn't have it any other way.

Hearts were exchanged back and forth, promises of ‘always’ and ‘for you’s.
After all, everything I did was always for you.
Whispers of ‘my angel’ ‘my love’, a silent confession on the tip of your tongue but never to be exchanged in person.
It was too soon, it was too raw, too much fear.
Heartfelt letters and silent exchanges of love, agreements of steady-paced relationships, not too much, not too little, but maybe enough.

I fear though, I am too much.
I let my trauma cloud my vision and my judgment.
I let it ruin us, I let it rot and spread until our messages were stained with a bitter taste, a slow but steady poison, a recipe for disaster, a recipe of love.
Were we trying to protect ourselves?
Or Were we trying to protect each other?
I guess no one will ever truly know.

We lost ourselves for a while; the cute and casual we had long gone, only to be replaced with a need to hurt each other, a need to hurt ourselves.

A safe response to the poison, to the trauma.

Perhaps if we spoke truthfully first and hurt later, instead we found it the other way round…how predictable.
The words we spoke scaled our skin and dug deep into our souls, a new pain, one only we could inflict.

Your words burned holes into my body where i fear mine only lightly sung you, something that you could care for, something that could heal
You found a cure to the poison, a way out and you took it and left me behind to rot but that was okay.
You were safe and better off without my poison.


Only you weren't?


You came back sicker and vomiting apologies, harsh words youd thrown at yourself ‘selfish’ ‘shoulnt fuck with your emotions’ ‘im sorry’

…but things were never the same after the poison, we started to speak truthfully told each other things we’d never thought we’d say out loud but something was different, i didn't feel about you differently,
Did you feel about me differently?
Did the poison stain your opinions of me?

It took months of hard work and deep conversations, too deep for people our age but things finally started to fade back into maybe not cute yet but we were getting to our casual again

Movie days and sofa snuggles, panic attacks and tearful confessions
No longer ‘my angel’ but I still had ‘angel’ and gods if I didn't pathetically cling to that.


There were still silent confessions that ghosted the tips of our tongues im just not sure if they carried as much meaning anymore or as much depth maybe they carried more
The promises of ‘always’ and ‘for you’s never faded, they never left.
‘For you, always’ became our everything.

But i did learn however,
that it won't matter what we have,
it won't matter if its platonic or not because our relationship will always run deeper then
Just friends.