He's Trying to Kill Me

He's Trying to Kill Me

written by

Solum Anderson

Int. Coffee shop - day
We see two guys sitting at a table. Guy ONE takes a sip from his coffee and says to the other
ONE
Have you ever read "The Man Underground"?
The other guy looks at him for a second.
TWO
What's that?
ONE
A book. Have you ever read it.
TWO
No. I don't read much.
ONE
You should it's pretty good.
TWO
Maybe.
One takes a sip of his coffee.
ONE
So it's about this guy who digs a tunnel into these people basement and he lives there for months, they say it's based on a true story and-
Two cuts him off
TWO
Look man, I don't really like... Why... Why are you sitting here.
ONE
Well, it's pretty busy. There's nowhere else to sit.
Two looks around.
TWO
The place is empty.
One takes another sip of his coffee.
Two
Are you lonely or something?
The waiter walks over with his notepad.
Waiter
Can I get you something sir?
Two looks at him.
TWO
Uh, yeah... Can I get uh... cappuccino two pumps vanilla three pumps milk?
The waiter writes that down
WAITER
Anything else?
TWO
Yeah, uh... Help?
WAITER
What?
Two suddenly looks scared and talks in a whisper.
TWO
Help me. This guy's trying to kill me.
WAITER
Wha- I...
One
Have you read "101 ways to bake bread?"
Two now suddenly starts acting normal again.
Two
I'm not much of a reader.
The waiter, confused and a little bit scared, walks away. The two men continue their conversation.
ONE
We gotta find you something to read.
TWO
Look man, I don't even know who you are.
ONE
Doesn't give you an excuse to be illiterate.
The waiter makes his way to he counter and into the back room. He picks up the phone on the wall and dials 911.
911
911, what's your emergency.
WAITER
Hello, uh, I'm at brick cup coffee on village street. There's a threatening man in the building.
911
What's he doing?
WAITER
Well... I haven't seen anything, but one of the customers has complained that he is trying to kill him?
Pause.
911
We'll send someone over.
WAITER
Thank you.
He hangs up and watches the two men through the window to the back of the restaurant. Another man walks into the shop. The waiter goes out to serve him.
waiter
Hello sir, what can I get for you today?
Three
Can I get uh... coffee, black. Like my soul.
He chuckles to himself. The waiter chuckles nervously.
WAITER
Sure. That'll be 1 emerald.
Three puts an emerald down on the counter and the waiter puts it in the cash register. He pours him a coffee and hands it to him.
THREE
Thanks.
WAITER
No problem.
Three walks over to the other two guys.
THREE
Can I sit with you guys?
The two guys say yes in unison. The waiter has stepped back into the back room and is watching the three men. There is suddenly a knock on the back door. The waiter answers it. Standing outside in the alleyway is an old woman.
Old Woman
Hello, dearie.
WAITER
Hello. Uh... can I help you.
OLD WOMAN
Yes, is this the residence of Ronald Thomas?
Pause.
WAITER
No. This is a coffee shop.
OLD WOMAN
Really? The instructions I was given told me to go right here.
She holds up a piece of paper with scribbles on it.
WAITER
Yeah, uh. Well this isn't that.
(he motions to the paper)
If you want a coffee I can get you one, if not I'm going to have to ask you to leave... I don't think anyone can be back here.
OLD WOMAN
But I need to see Ronald to complete the ritual.
Pause.
WAITER
He's not here.
OLD WOMAN
Look dear, the prophesy must be fulfilled.
We suddenly hear a shotgun blast from behind them. The waiter whips around to look back in the shop then back to the woman. She's not there. He slams the door and runs to the window.
Sitting at the table are One and Three chatting away. On the table is a smoking shotgun. The body of Two, headless, is slumped back in his chair.
The waiter looks out of the front window of the building where the police officer is getting out of his car. He walks inside and the waiter waves for him to come to the back. The police officer follow him.
Police Officer
What seems to be the problem here?
Waiter
That man out there just shot somebody!
The police officer looks out of the window and sees the scene. He is unfazed by it.
POLICE OFFICER
I'll take care of this.
He leaves and walks up to the men. The waiter watches from the window.
WAITER
Hey boys, I hear you-
One blows his head off. The waiter runs for the back door and flings it open. When he does standing there is One with the body of Three on the ground. One smiles and aims the shotgun at him. The waiter screams. Right before he pulls the trigger The waiter wakes up.
Int. Waiter's house - day
The waiter sits up in bed quickly, he is out of breath.

CUT To BLACK:

The end.