Let Me Count the Ways...

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free

-Touched by an Angel, Maya Angelou

I have sat down to write this quite a few times in the past few days, but felt unable to properly express what I am feeling recently. I happened upon this poem by Maya Angelou, who is my favorite poet. It perfectly describes the state my mind is in.

It is a jumble in my mind at this point, so I hope you'll bear with me as I hash it all out on this screen for all of you to take in, if you so choose to continue.

The long and the short of it is that I am falling in love. Truth be told, I am scared shitless.
I know what you may be thinking- dear Scarlett, love shouldn't be something you fear! Alas, here I sit, contemplating my life and what potential the future holds for me. The past keeps creeping in, trying it's damnedest to cast a shadow over my current happiness.

I made a promise to my beau that I would look forward to all of the possibilities laid before us as a couple, rejecting the negativity from outside sources that seem hellbent on ensuring that I never feel able to embrace this new love, fully.

He, whom I will refer to as R* in my posts, makes it impossible to not love him back. He treats me like no one before him has ever done. He is gentle, kind, attentive, affectionate. He observes, he listens to every word I say, and seemingly memorizes it, replaying things I have said later, proving that he is indeed paying attention. It is the first truly reciprocal relationship I have ever been in.

This is what I know- I sleep most soundly wrapped in his arms. Be it in my tiny twin bed
at my place, or his much larger, and more comfortable bed at his place. The nightmares that I typically have nightly, have all but ceased entirely. He does this thing, lightly grazing his lips against mine, our noses touching, and whispers to me. When he does this, I have a very visceral reaction that I can only describe as ecstasy.

When he wakes, he immediately makes coffee while I am still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. He pours the coffee into handmade pottery mugs, adding the perfect amount of oat milk creamer in my cup. How he knew the precise ratio of creamer to coffee is beyond me, as I don't remember telling him. It is like he instinctively knew. It seems that way with a lot of things.

For my entire life, I have closed my eyes when being kissed. It seemed like an automatic function. This morning, as we were showering together, I went in for a kiss and I kept my eyes open, and I think he felt it, because his eyes were open, too. There was this intensity that I am not sure I have felt before. I made a promise to myself to open my eyes more frequently, to make eye contact with him.

I feel like I am undoing all of the past hurt with each interaction with him, replacing the bad memories with new ones. It feels like I am hearing rain on the roof for the first time, as I am wrapped up in him in bed. Food tastes better. I am hearing old familiar songs in new ways, noting that the lyrics mean something different to me now.

During one date, I realized I had left my phone at home. We were not far from my place, and he was more than willing to go back and retrieve it, but I decided to go without it, and just be present with him. In fact, I find myself putting my phone away and not checking it incessantly like I have become accustomed to doing for so long.

He is changing my life in so many ways. My past messaging tells me that I should be prepared for the other shoe to drop... but R* is showing me that there are no shoes left to drop because we are barefoot in a sunlit meadow of wildflowers, frolicking, laughing, smiling...

My goodness, I love him. I just have to choose to take his hand and walk side by side into the happiness that the universe is laying before us.