I’m scared

I’m scared that one day at the end of my life whether it be in the morning middle or end of that day. I am going to look back at this life that I have led and think to myself. Have I done enough, am I proud of the things that I have accomplished? Is there someone here with me that I appreciate sharing this journey with? I understand the remedy for regret is to just make the effort. To just take the first step without regard to the trials and tribulations that may lie ahead of it. But at the same time, it’s those same trials that make me question if it’s even worth the time to make that effort. I’m scared that even if I do follow through with those goals, would I be fulfilled or would I be left at the end of it feeling like I’ve wasted my time on something that was meaningless in the full scope of things. But to me that’s not even the real tragedy. It’s knowing that if I did set my sights on completing something, if I did put in that effort. I would be met with reward because I know I have the ability to do it. In my life there are things that I have accomplished that I am proud of. And yet that just furthers my point. Of all the major decisions in my life; will I seek further education, what am I gonna do after I graduate, where am I gonna do it. I have made those decisions, followed through, and accomplished all of them. This is something I am proud of because it’s not something perhaps another person could do. But at the same time, while focusing on accomplishing these things did I give up anything else. There were many times where I refrained from spending time with friend or family in the name of focusing on my goals. Refraining from pursuing romantic interests in my life because I didn’t believe I could offer the same amount of dedication to that person as well as my goals. And yet now that I’m here finished with these engagements and all I have is myself and a job. Why haven’t I done these things now, things that I wanted to before. However now I feel that all I really want is to just go to work and go home. And that’s not to say I don’t visit with friends or family now. I just find that when I am with them what I really think about is being home. I think about work the next day, or how I’m just too tired to be present in this moment. When I’m lying in bed after work thinking about how nice it would be to share how my day went with someone special. All the things that I’d like to do with a partner that would cherish my presence. Appreciate that time spent with me as much I would appreciate spending it with them. I just feel so unmotivated to chase after any of these things in earnest. I mean as I mentioned before I may go out every once in a while and hangout with friends and family. Or even fewer times may make an attempt at connecting with someone. I’m just scared that, this is time that I could be spending on something else. And as counterintuitive as that may seem. Seeing as how I just explained that these are things that I do want to do. Nevertheless it’s still how I feel and I am unable to shake it away from me. I feel that perhaps I should make the first step to achieve a healthier lifestyle. Or undertake trying to learn a new language so that I might better communicate with the people in my community. Or even simply take the time to handle the responsibilities in my own home. These are all things that I want to do, yet can’t find the motivation to do them. Perhaps I’m making the incorrect distinction of these things as something that I’d like to do, and things that I want to do. Similar to how one would characterize a nice thing, and a necessary thing. I mean I don’t need to be in the best shape my body can achieve, I don’t need to learn a new language, and I don’t need to learn how to cook. But then I think to myself, if you aren’t happy with the way things are now and yet you do nothing to change. If you just complete this endless cycle expecting something to change, why isn’t that the definition of insanity. Surely you aren’t insane are you. But how do I take those meaningful first steps? How would I even go about making those first steps? Could I even support my self financially as I begin? I’m well aware that none of these things are required to come attached with a price tag. Yet if I was going to work towards these things would I not want to do so with all of my ability. Sparing no expense in trying to achieve these goals, whether it be monetary, energy, or otherwise wouldn’t anyone? As I sit there and think, I think well maybe I shouldn’t jump in head first. Perhaps it would be better to take things slow and just see how it goes. Although for all my effort as I look back on my life I don’t think there’s anything I tried taking slow and ended up where I wanted. If there was ever something in my life I decided I wanted to do I had to jump in head first giving it my all. I’m scared. I’m more scared that while I spend my time analyzing all of these things, trying to come to a conclusion. Come to a consensus of my own thoughts, that by the time I finally reach it. I will already have come to my end. That I will be looking through my life on that day whether it be when I wake, eat my lunch, or enjoying my last meal. Did I do anything that mattered. Do I have a mountain of regrets. Do I have someone that I can call the love of my life. I’m scared.