Hey Dear, I am a First Born

Hey dear, I am a first born

Hey dear, I am a first born
And not just a first born, but a first born in an orphaned family
Everybody that is left looks up to me
Not only my parents' children, but also my parents' parents
I have a people that depend on me
So please, don't break me

Please don't break me
Don't hurt me, don't make me cry
For the only shoulders I have to cry on are mine
And when I do, nobody wipes my tears
Some roll into my mouth and remind me of how salty life can be
While some dry on my chicks just like my hopes did

Yes, I had dreams, I had plans, I had hopes
I had a near-perfect outline of my future
Now all I have are wishes, and a never-ending hopelessness
But that is not excuse enough for those who hope in me
I have to make them see the bright side
I have to give them smiles that I don't have

I make them smile, then go cry myself to sleep
Your pillow could be full of sweat, but mine is full of tears
If it could talk, my pillow could tell my story
It has seen me slowly take up the challenge
Handling one day at a time being a parent
A role that I never thought I'd assume at a such an early age

An age that I should be focused on chasing my dreams
And be free to settle where my career leads me
Not where they go to school
And save as much money as possible
For my business, for my master's degree
Not pay school fees and hospital bills

I pray, I pray, I pray, and cry while at it
God, if it is your will, take this cup away from me
But no answers are forthcoming
Maybe it is not His will, or my prayers don't reach him
Because unlike your prayers,
Mine are not backed up by the prayers of my mother

If she was here, she would pray on my behalf
She would ask God to guide me,
She would help me find an opportunity
She would teach me to be a good boy
She would encourage me to pursue my dreams
She would teach me to relate with y'all

Maybe I can't make friends because of that
Maybe you think I am weird, but no
One time I was a normal child, with parents and friends
I changed to cope, I changed to adapt
And would you believe me if I said
I didn't notice me changing?

I just found myself this way
Zombie-ing my emotions, and killing my feelings
"Nobody would get it," I said to myself
And truly, even those with similar problems don't
I have been deserted when I least expect
I have given my all and got nothing back

I am the somebody who's got my own back
Multiple times I have lost the will to live
Uncountable times I have lost the desire to fight
But here I am, pushing little by little
Hoping that one day, however far
It will happen as I have always desired