Wings

I have always been the girl with the wings living alone in the woods and praying to the Sun.

Since I was 11 years old, I have been writing stories of girls who leave what they know behind to live alone in wooded areas. Many variations have wings. One such a variation--my latest--Quinn, is compelled to hide her wings when she finally is brought to the public. The public meets her and upon learning of her wings, treats her with poor reception, misunderstanding, hating what they do not know. Perhaps if I was the only one writing, she would have gone back into the woods.

At one point her wings are forcibly removed from her. Her body falls into dysfunction. She is not the Quinn she used to be when she had her wings. She becomes bitter and withdraws into herself.

Even if her wings were returned, the physical mental scars would remain, always healing but never quite gone.

Perhaps my wings are my autism. Perhaps I don't know how to live without them, but I never quite realized almost no one else had them. Now that I know this, I'm thrown for a loop. I've been cramping them behind my back for so long I thought that was the only way to have them. Now I have no idea how to unfurl them. It feels unnatural. Do people with wings really uncurl them and stretch them out in this way? Perhaps mine were not meant to?

It would be easiest psychologically to keep them cramped behind my back, to keep sitting uncomfortably wherever I go. But no--now I've been made aware that they are there, and now I feel even more uncomfortable no matter what I do to make sure they aren't noticed. I'm hyper aware of every little shift they make, of every muscle twinge or cramp resulting from keeping them so tightly clenched. It hurts more because someone told me I was hurting when I'd already learned to tell myself I wasnt.

There's a group of people out there that live their lives with their wings unfurled. I hate myself for struggling not to judge them. Is it truly natural for people with wings to leave them out so relaxed like that, hanging loosely from their backs, twitching, stretching as they feel compelled? They say it's important to do so. I know some of them do, but maybe for some of them it's all in their heads.

But then, every psychological need is.