Alien Speak

“Din splondik vo buren pas.”

“I hear you and I am responding on the same frequency. Can you hear me?”

“Din splondik vo buren pas.”

“I’m afraid I don’t speak whatever language that is. Do you speak English? No, I guess you wouldn’t, would you? OK, how about numbers. Mathematics is supposed to be the universal language right, so how about one, two, three, four, five?”

“Din splondik vo buren pas.”

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. I mean, it’s still just English, isn’t it? I have no idea how I’d say anything useful using numbers anyway. So do you have any ideas?”

“Exvi undist, din splondik vo buren pas.”

“Right, that’s pretty much what you’ve been saying all along. I guess I shouldn’t expect anything else. I mean, I’m no language expert and even if I was, I wouldn’t know what some alien was saying. Yeah, I know you’re an alien. See, the way I have my antenna pointed and the fact that there’s always about a 30 second delay after I say something and before you respond. I figure that puts you around 3 million miles from here. Now, that’s a lot farther than the moon, but still, a lot closer than Mars or Venus. But, I suppose I’ll never know if we can’t talk to each other.

“Are you still there. It’s been a couple of minutes and I haven’t heard anything from you, not even that thing you keep saying, like ‘Dim sputnik” or something. Wait, is that what you’re waiting for? I’m going to go listen to the recording and get it just right. I’ll be right back.

“Din... splondik... vo... buren... pas. There did I get it right?”

“Yes, greetings, friend. I had nearly given up on you.”

“Wait, you mean you actually speak English?”

“Certainly. We have been studying your planet for some time now. Our translation system can translate our words to any of Earth’s languages.”

“Then why didn’t you answer me in English when I spoke to you?”

“That is our way. It would not be right to speak without receiving the proper return greeting. Do you not respond with the same greeting when someone greets you? If another says ‘Hello’, do you not respond with ‘Hello’? Anything else would seem to be rude to me.”

“Well, yes, of course I do, usually, but… Oh, never mind. So why me? Why aren’t you talking to the government or the United Nations or at least some scientist? I’m really just nobody. This radio stuff is just a hobby. Again why me?”

“We are not interested in governments or scientists or ceremonies or trade. We want to know about the people of this planet. We have heard you speak to others by means of your radio. We would like to meet with you and some of your friends. Please tell us when and where.”

“Wow! Uh, absolutely. The guys are not going to believe this. Well, we meet every Thursday, down at...”



w/c 498