Gracefully Broken

Gracefully Broken
Overcoming Your Inner Brokenness
By
Lotta Patterson

This book is dedicated to:
All the spiritual mothers and father God has placed in my life over the years. You all have been shining examples of the life God meant for me to live. You all taught me how to pray, seek God and accept the process. To my sister Valerie who helped birth this book through a conversation several years ago. Who know what God was doing in, through and with both of us. To my cousin Kenitra who always encouraged me to live my dream She is gone but never forgotten.
 
Table of Contents
Introduction 1
PART I: Brokenness 2
Broken Trust 6
Negative Self Image 18
Relationship Trauma 26
Choices/Habits 37
PART II: GRACEFULLY BROKEN 51
Gracefully Broken 51
Broken to be Rebuilt (Restored) 53
PART III: Healing 61
Chapter Three: Insert Chapter Title 62
Chapter Four: Insert Chapter Title 63
Chapter Five: Insert Chapter Title 64
PART III: RESTORED 65
CHAPTER Six: Insert Chapter Title 65
Epilogue/Conclusion 66
Bibliography 67
Acknowledgments 67
About the Author 68


Introduction

Thank you for allowing me to take you through this process. The concept of this book came to me at 3 am one morning. God has a way of getting you attention when everything around you is quiet. The original idea for Becoming a Vessel came to me as a women’s day program or women’s conference several years ago. Initially, I wanted to invited other leading women of God to speak on the different concepts in this book, but God had other plans for my life and time was not right. So the idea laid dormant in myself conscious for 4 years until that faithful morning of being woken up at 3 am with a gently nudge to write this book and created the companion work book.
This book is about the process of being broken, restored and renewed. The concept of brokenness will be defined and then broken-down form a trauma perspective and a spiritual perspective. Once we cover every aspect of brokenness, this book will help you walking in healing and restoration. The word of God will restore, renew and revived you.
Throughout this book, I get personal and reveal some things that no one but me and God knows. I do this because in order for you to fully understand where I am, you have to know where God brought me from emotionally, mentally and spirituality. To see my progress, I show you my process. I will share with you the brokenness in my life and how God reshaped me and remade me. So be prepared to laugh and cry with me as God lead us through this process.


PART I: Brokenness
We want to avoid suffering, death, sin, ashes. But we live in a world crushed and broken and torn, a world God Himself visited to redeem. We receive his poured-out life, and being allowed the high privilege of suffering with Him, may then pour ourselves out for others.
- Elisabeth Elliot

To us, broken things are despised as worthless, but God can take what has been broken and remake it into something better, something that He can use for His glory. Brokenness can take on many forms. A person can be broken in their mind, body or spirit. Sometimes all three. When we think of a broken person, we think of a person who is extremely discouraged and unhappy.
Throughout the bible, there are examples of God’s people dealing with brokenness and God’s answer for his people. Ps. 354:18 tells us that “The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” It is not God’s will for his people to live a broken life. Jer8:21 tells us “For the hurt of the daughter of my people am I hurt; I am black; astonishment hath taken hold on me.”
There are times when we face brokenness, not to break us, but to lead us to our breakthrough; to mean that life has so beaten us down that I turn to God in utter desperation. Dr. Tony Evans said Brokenness is a Blessing because it puts us on the road to breakthrough. This is illustrated in Isaiah 61:3, “To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.”
In this section, we will look at Brokenness in two forms: Imposed Brokenness and Graceful Brokenness. Imposed brokenness comes from things that happened to us by the choices or actions of other individuals. Graceful brokenness comes from going through a spiritual growth process with God.

 
Reflection:

What does brokenness mean you?

























Imposed Brokenness

Imposed brokenness is the kind of brokenness that comes from things external to us; things that have happened to us during the course of our lives. Those things can be negative or positive. They shape the way we see ourselves and impact our development emotionally, socially and spiritually. Imposed brokenness does not define who we are as a person, but it can shape how we feel about aspects of ourselves. This can be manifested physically or spiritually.
Imposed brokenness comes from things that happened to us, not things that we ourselves choose. This includes, but is not limited to trauma, hurtful situations, disappointments, and abuse that can break our hearts. It can also impact our faith, and even our sense of identity. You might wonder how something that happens externally can impact our lives in such a major way.
There is an old saying that if you tell a child they are stupid long and often enough, they will begin to act on it. That child didn’t choose to have those negative words spoken to them, hearing them all the time starts to define how they see themselves. Growing up in the church, we heard Romans 10:17 a lot.; “So then faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God.” If faith can come by hearing, negative things can also come in the same manner. The Word of God is the absolute truth. It can be applied in any form. Not saying that it is God’s will, but being the absolute truth, His word will always hold true.
Imposed brokenness can affect us in so many ways as adults. We learn habits and make certain choices based on things we learned, heard or saw as children and young adults. When the brokenness began during childhood, the habits become deep rooted. We develop what the professionals call trauma response. A trauma response is an emotional response to an event in our lives. This is usually something traumatic. Some trauma responses can be mild, while others are extreme. Our reactions to certain triggers can shape how we interact with the world. I’ll give you an example, in 2019, I was involved in a car accident on a major highway. Our car was hit from behind. Every time I am traveling on that stretch of highway, I feel a little anxiety; not enough to stop me from traveling, but enough to remind me of the experience. I chose to not let fear paralyze me. The response is different depending on the impact the event had on your life. When you are dealing with a situation from a place of brokenness, the response is often to the extreme.
Since imposed brokenness is so broad and wide reaching, I will limit this discussion to trauma from relationships, childhood hurt and family dynamics. We will explore how this can impact the choices we made as adults and how we can overcome the influence of imposed trauma.
Broken Trust

What you do When and How?
Growing up in the church, we often heard that the answer to all our problems could be found in the Word of God. Don’t get me wrong, that is so true. When you are coming from a place of brokenness, what you know and knowing how to apply what you think you know are two very different things. It is very hard for a person who has never experienced brokenness to understand broken thinking. See I was raised in the church. I went to Sunday School, participated in YPD, went to women’s conferences and was a member of Youth for Christ, so it is safe to say that I know from memory a lot of Bible verses. I can quote them and pray for them, but to a point, that alone did not change all of my trauma responses or restore my broken trust.
So why didn’t it work for me? Even the followers of AA/NA say it works when you work it. So why didn’t it work for me? For the longest time in my process, I asked myself that same question. I was still doing and saying the right things. Still going to church, praying and crying, yet I was still struggling with the emotional scares of past broken trust.
I had always heard, “you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32).” The problem was that the truth I thought I knew did not set me free. Then I heard, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Proverb3:5-6),” I meditated on that scripture, but that still didn’t work for me. I thought for years that it was just me. Maybe I wasn’t worthy of God’s grace. You see, I was still making broken choices even after knowing what I thought was truth. It’s simple; all the messages told me what to do, but no one told me how to do it. I remember my former paster in Orlando, FL used to say, “What do you do when?” What do you do when the truth doesn’t set you free? That was my question. What do I do now that I know the truth, but I’m not mentally or emotionally free? What do I do when I’m doing all I know to do to put my trust in the Lord, but nothing is happening? (At this point, I know I have lost some of you, but in the words of several preachers we all know, “Stay with me, I’m going someplace.”)
My real question is how do I completely trust when so many people who should have covered me and protected me broke me, hurt me, abused me and said that they loved me? See I learned NOT to trust love at a very early young age. See I was broken in the early stages of my growth and development. I was sexually abused at a very young age by a close family friend who lived in our home and another person that frequented our home. This all happened before I even started elementary school. My primary abuser was supposed to be like an uncle to me. He was supposed to be someone I could look up to, someone who would protect me. This person had been a part of our family since before I was even born. He was someone that the adults in my family trusted with me and my siblings. I was supposed to be safe with him, yet he took the trust that I and my family had and broke me. The abuse was ongoing, and I was so broken that I never disclosed the abuse until I was an adult and living on my own. In fact, I was in college before I even admitted out loud to anyone. As a result of that broken trust, I grew up being afraid to be alone with adult males in any capacity. I would do just about anything including acting out to avoid ever being alone with any adult male. I would like to say that the was the end of my broken trust, but it wasn’t. In middle school, I was exposed to another pseudo family member who somehow won a level of comfort from me. For a while, he was a loving uncle figure who appeared to have my best interest at heart. He listened to me, appeared to fight for me. He appeared to be on my side when I got in trouble for things I didn’t do. Soon as I let my guard down, he broke my trust in adult males again. He never became physical with me, but he did engage in grooming behaviors and lascivious acts that were leading up to the final betrayal. Fortunately, I recognized the gradual build up he was doing and took steps to protect myself. During the lascivious behaviors of rubbing himself against me or taking my hands and rubbing them across his private area (by accident), he would constantly tell me how “special” I was. How much he “loved” me and how he wanted to express that love to me. Remember now, I was only in middle school; in the 7th grade when this happened to me. I was dealing with adult issues with a teenager level of experience. Looking back, I can clearly see that I responded as a broken child who had lost faith and trust in adults. Sadly, it was never in my thoughts to tell the adults in my life at the time. Now I know that they would have protected me; however, at the time, in my broken teenage mind, I thought I had to protect myself. The only thing I trusted in outside of myself was God. I’m grateful that no matter how broken I was, I always knew God would make a way for me.
Prior to this happening, I had already been broken and was engaging in broken thinking, so instead of telling another adult, I learned to protect myself by making sure that I was always with another family member when he was around or that my childhood best friend was there. She was the only person that I ever told what was going on. By the Grace of God and a lot of prayer, I escaped further trauma and was able to move on with my life.
Sadly, that was not the last person to break my trust. As a young adult, I was home from college and rededicated my life to Christ. I had not joined a local church yet but was hungry for fellowship. I went to a revival in our local town. The evangelist was a dynamic speaker. I went to revival every night. My aunt and I linked up with his family. He wanted to start a ministry in our town, and I wanted to be a part of a ministry that was changing lives the way my life had been changed. The evangelist told me that he saw something “special” in me. He saw the love that I had for God and God’s people. He asked me to work closely with him in the ministry. He explained that I would be spending a lot of time with him alone and wanted to make sure that I was comfortable with that. Over a short period of time, he became like a father figure to me. He and his wife began to mean a lot to me. I shared my past hurt with him as my pastor and father figure. As he initially warned me, I did spend a lot of time with him, his wife and their children. Like a sheep, I followed him blindly. He was slowly rebuilding my trust in men. I trusted him completely. I mean he had a wife that he “loved” and children near my age. I had gotten to the point that I was comfortable being alone with him. After all, he was a man of God. He was my pastor, my father and my spiritual counselor, So I can say, I never saw it coming when he also broke my trust. I think others around us may have seen something. I would her others making comments about the amount of time he spent with me or the attention he gave me. I naively thought he was preparing me for ministry, so I defended him. I told other that he was a true man of God and would never do anything untoward. I mean this person was always respectful and helped me to grow in the Word of God. He helped me rebuild my confidence and taught me how to teach the word to others. I never suspected that he was also grooming me and setting me up by gaining my blind trust in him as a spiritual leader. After months of working with him, he called me for a private conversation. I was completely blindsided by the things he said to me. He told me that since we had been working so closely together with me, he had started to develop feelings for me. He then asked if I felt the same. I answered him honestly; “No sir. I see you as a pastor and father figure. I have honestly never thought of you in any other way.” He then answered me and said, “but I am a man first.” I had never thought of him as a man. He then asked me if I was attracted to him at all. Again, I answered honestly and said, “no sir. I admire you and respect the anointing on your life, but no I am not personally attracted to you as a man.” I explained to him that I was not one of those church ladies that chased after the man of God. At this point I was disappointed but was hoping that he was just trying to ensure that I was not thinking the wrong thing about our relationship or maybe he was having a moment of weakness that we addressed. I thought at this point, we would move on and get back to the business of doing God’s work.
A couple weeks later, I got called to a ministry meeting. What I didn’t know was that he had been called out about the extra attention he was giving me and instead of setting the record straight they way I had done for him, he laid the blame solely on me. He told our ministry team that I was “a broken little girl who was infatuated with him.” He said that he had tried to dissuade me from my infatuation. He went further to say that he was married to a Lincoln, why would he lower his standards. So, everyone that I had considered a friend and even some family turned against me just like that. I was accused of going after him and trying to mess up his marriage. See he knew exactly how broken I was because I shared all of that with him. He had been counseling me on overcoming my past hurt. He knew exactly how to manipulate the story. He also knew that I was too broken to fight back and that if he kept the pressure up, I would roll over and take it with my tail tuck and cry in silence. At first, I tried to defend myself, but it was his word against mine. In the end, I was devastated. I was once again broken by someone who was supposed to have my best interest at heart. He was supposed to be a covering for me, but instead, he destroyed and uncovered me. As I prepared to walk away from the meeting, I simply asked everyone present when had I ever done anything forward towards him or anyone else? When had I ever initiated contact of any kind with him? After that I walked away and resigned from my position in the ministry. He and the others tried to persuade me to stay with the ministry because I was a hard worker and true believer, but I had lost my faith in what we were supposed to be doing. Why would I encourage other hurting people to come to this ministry just to be hurt more? Through their actions, I had lost my faith in ministry, but I never lost faith in God.
So how do you continue to trust when you have been hurt over and over by people in your life who by nature of who they were should have protected you and covered you? You see in my adult mind, I know that “God is not a man that he should lie (Numbers 23:19 KJV).” I learned to trust in the Word of God, but remember, my reasoning when it came to fully trusting was underdeveloped. So how do you trust when your ability to trust was disrupted before it developed? For years, I honestly could not answer any of the questions I asked. So I did the one thing I knew how to do; I prayed and asked God all of those questions. See when we don’t have an answer and even when we think we have the answer, God will give us a clear understanding when we diligently seek him. God tells us “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding (Proverb 4:7).” True knowledge and understanding comes only from God. From this point, my prayer became, Father help me to trust You more. Help me to understand what it means to trust and knowledge You. Lord, I don’t know how to lean and depend on You fully. All my life I believed I could only depend on myself. Lord I want to give all control to You, but I don’t know how to let go. Teach me Your ways Lord. Open the eyes of my understanding, Lord renew my mind. I know I can’t be changed until my mind is renewed. Lord I believe and trust You to the best of my ability. Help me Lord in my unbelief. In Jesus Name.
This whole thing is a process, and everyone’s timeline is different. For me, God met me where I was and began to replace my bad experiences with examples of how it should have been. During part of my elementary years, part of my middle school years and my high school years, I lived with two different sets of aunts and uncles. Those two showed me how an uncle is supposed to love their niece. With my uncle Tommie, I traveled with the family and several vacations and had the opportunity to just be a child and to enjoy myself without having to sleep with one eye open or with layers of clothing. He was a disciplinarian when needed, but fair. In high school, I rode to school every day with my Uncle Hoover. He was a man of few words. He told me that he says what he means and means what he says. He walked that walk every single day of his life. He encouraged me when I needed it and gave me the push I needed to finish school and believe that I could go to the next level. He understood that my acting out at times were trauma responses and did not give up on me. He let me know when he was disappointed, but also let me know that he expected and demanded more from me. Most importantly, he let me know that I deserved to do better. It was because of him and several people at my high school that I graduated and earned a post-secondary education. He was a true example of an uncle, father and teacher. He was a living and breathing example of a decent human being. For me that was rare. Another example I had was my high school principal. My high school principal became the driving force for me to win a full paid scholarship for my undergraduate degree. He became my mentor and one of my greatest supporters. Not once did either of those three men ever do anything in any form or fashion to break the trust that God put in them for the role they played in my life. I had the opportunity at my high school to be thought by a young man who had all of the young ladies trying to get his attention, but he stayed true to himself as an adult male and role model. Now I know most people will say that is the norm, but for me, it was outstanding. That was not the norm in my life. It was God’s way of showing me something different. Oprah said when we know better, we do better. For me, those moment in my life were showing me better so I could learn to expect better.
For the two years that I attended the School of Choice, God began to restore my belief in males in a position of authority and to respect men in a position of familiar authority in my life. The incident with the evangelist happened after the beginning of my restoration. It could have completely set me back. I believe that was the enemy’s plan, but God had a different plan. My understanding of my time at Choice did not come until after the experience, so it did not undo all that God was doing. Another reason the incident with the evangelist did not set me all the way back to square one was because soon after that experience, I met the two pastors that had the greatest impact in my young adult life. When I left that ministry, my aunt talked me into visiting a local church. The church quickly became my home church. When I walked in the door, I knew I was home. In that little church in Okeechobee, I met my true Pastor. I say that because Big Lake Church of God by Faith was the first church that I joined on my own as an adult. It wasn’t my family church or the church I grew up in; it was the church of my spiritual growth. This church saved my life and renewed my faith in humanity. My first pastor there, Elder McDuffy became a true spiritual father to me. He and his wife were a true example of a man and woman of God. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve known other good pastors and first ladies, but these were my pastors. I spent a lot of time with them and saw the human side of them. Pastor and First Lady McDuffy became an inspiration in my life. They lead by example. For instance, I went to college over an hour away from my church. The pastors lived about 2-3 hours away from the church. They picked me up at my dorm every Sunday for church and took me back to the dorms after feeding me. They would encourage me weekly. There were times when it would just be Pastor McDuffy in the vehicle, and I never got that “vibe” from him. God used Elder McDuffy to show me what a true spiritual father looked and acted like. He always spoke to me eye to eye and gave “holy side hugs”, not full-frontal contact hugs. After my first Pastor moved, God placed another spiritual father in my life. Yes, as the church folk say, he gave me double for my trouble. He had to show me that Elder McDuffy wasn’t an anomaly. Elder Reason came and challenged me to step out of my hiding hole. He didn’t coddle me or treat me like I was broken. He forced me to grow; sometimes willingly, sometimes kicking, screaming and crying. I spent several years under his leadership, and he never compromised or changed. He kept us members covered by prayer and taught me the true meaning of diligently seeking God and walking by faith. I learned how to search the Word and find the answers I was looking for, beyond the surface and above all else, he taught me to watch and pray. His benediction was “As I say to one, I say to all, Watch and Pray.” That got me to my next phase of learning to apply the Word.
As I said earlier, knowing the word was never a problem for me. I grew up in church, going to Sunday school. I learned new verses weekly for most of my childhood. It was not enough for me to just know the word. My issues were so deep rooted it took me getting a divine understanding of the Word. I need the Word to work as a sword in my life. There was a lot of “stuff” that needed to be cut away from my spirit. I need to move past my broken beliefs.
 
Reflection:

Have you experienced Broken Trust in your life?







How was that trust restored?








Do not trust in princes, in mortal man, in whom there is no salvation. His spirit departs, he returns to the earth; in that very day his thoughts perish. How blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God. Psalm 146:3-5









Prayer of Restore Trust

Heavenly Father, thank you that there is nowhere I can go that is beyond your presence. Fill my relationship with the peace that comes from your presence. Your word says that my faith will never be put to shame when my trust is in you. Give me faith in your power to restore any relationship. 
Negative Self Image

For most of my life, I self-consciously blamed myself for every bad thing that happened in my life. I had a thing of always needing to know why things happened and if I couldn’t find an answer, I internalized it. Starting with being molested as a toddler, I wanted to know why me? Out of all the other children, why was I targeted? Don’t get me wrong, I did not wish this brokenness on anyone else, but I always wanted to know why he singled me out. I wasn’t the oldest or the youngest. I was just me. I never saw anything particularly outstanding about my little toddler self.
I kept asking myself what I did as a baby to draw that kind of attention to myself? How could I as a toddler entice him or make him think that I wanted his attention? Did I look at him wrong? Did I seduce him? Now as an adult, I know that there is nothing a baby or child could do to make an adult or older child want to hurt them like that. The child me did not ask to be violated. She did not want it to happen and even though she never told anyone, she definitely did not want it to continue. The child me was not a bad person who deserved to be punished. Sadly, the little broken child in me grew up thinking that she was bad and undeserving. She believed that if she let anyone close to her, they would end up hurting her. Adult me understands that bad things can happen to good people. The little broken me knew that and built walls around herself for protection. She created her own make-believe world to escape the pain and shame. Most of her relationships over the years were superficial. That little broken girl believed that she would never be loved or accepted. For whom she truly was, she became someone different for all the people in her life. She became who she thought the other person wanted her to be in that friendship or relationship. She did not believe that she could be herself with others, so she developed a persona that she presented to the world. She had a high level of intelligence, but never thought she was smart enough. She never believed the praise and accolades she received over the years. The little broken me never thought she deserved any good thing. Little broken me constantly sabotaged every good thing in her life. She was afraid to be noticed. When people noticed her and told her she was special, they hurt her. In school, she maintained a certain average because she wasn’t allowed to bring home back grades. She would get 100% on every test but would purposely not turn in assignments so others would know how smart she really was. In her young life, she constantly created crisis that she thought she herself had to solve. This led to her life being a long and winding road of ups and downs. So many things triggered negative reaction, so she hid her true self.
This broken thinking led to me dropping out of school in the second semester of my freshman year. I stayed out of school doing nothing for two years. Because I did not think I deserved better, I did not do better. There were so many things happening internally and externally in my life. For a time, I not only hid my true self, I lost my true self for a time. Now as an adult, I know that during my darkest time, when my negative self-image led me down a dark path, there were many prayer warriors praying for me daily, probably hourly. I didn’t know it at the time, but I thank God I have a praying momma and Ms. June refused to give up on her baby. Trust me, at that time, the broken me had done everything short of robbing a bank, drugs or getting pregnant. I had quit school, run away from home a few times and ignored every foundational thing that they ever taught me, But God and a praying momma.
After two years of self-destructive behavior, my aunt and uncle told me about a chance to go back to high school and the chance of possibly graduating with my classmates. For some reason, there was a light in me that said let’s give it a try. If your aunt and uncle have enough faith in you to bring this opportunity to you, prove to them and everyone else that you can do it. Through my momma’s prayer and my aunt and uncle’s encouragement, I complete 3 ½ years of school in 2 years and graduated on time with my class. My actions said one thing, but I still struggled with how I saw myself. Through this process, three people who helped start me on the right path to healing opened the door for me to go to college. By my actions, I went from being a high school drop out to earning a doctorate degree in 2019.
My broken thinking and negative self-image didn’t just manifest in my direct behavior flaws. It also manifested in my relationship with myself. Because I had been through so many negative things growing up, I didn’t believe that I deserved anything good. I had no concept of self-care. I made appoint of becoming invisible. You see every time I stood out, I got noticed in a negative way by the wrong people. At least that’s what my young broken self believed. I wanted to be as invisible as possible. I buried my light so deep, I thought I would never find it again. I hid in the shadows of my family and friends. I accepted everything that came my way and never fought back. When I was younger, I was always told how pretty I was. As a teenager, I was very athletic and fit, which again gained the wrong attention from the wrong people. It was like I was surrounded by a bunch of sharks with blood in the water. I decided to become the opposite of what everyone liked about me. I became quiet and withdrawn. Then I set out to gain a little weight. In the end, my poor habits of my not taking care of myself lead to me not catching an actual medical condition and becoming severely overweight and later obese. Sadly, some of my happiest days were some of my most unhealthy days. I had convinced myself that the people who were in my life after I gained weight were there for me and not my looks or body. I know that’s a whole different topic. This broken thinking lasted for several years. Years of me hiding behind my weight and fear of people seeing the real me. But God! God will never leave you nor forsake you. He will put people and events in your path to guide you out of darkness into light. For me, it was a good doctor. My cardiologist gave me a wake-up call. He made me realize that I was slowly killing myself and then referred me to others that could help. Through getting down to a healthy weight, I was required to go through counseling. It started out as an obligation but became a lifeline. I am happy to say that I am now healthy.
How did I overcome my negative self-image and negative self-talk? I didn’t, God did. I can say that I was in awe of the things God put in my path over the years. When I was at my lowest, God always sent a person, a sermon or a song to give me the extra boost I needed. I remember one time when I was feeling particularly ugly and self-conscious. I was a little after the evangelist compared me to a cheap car. My self-esteem hit an all-time low, not because of his opinion of me, but with my lack of discernment into the type of person he was and for allowing myself to believe in the wrong person. I had the opportunity to go to a women’s conference in Tampa, FL. I went alone and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. From the first day of the conference, until I left, God kept send positive affirmations my way. The first day of the conference, I was in the check in line, several women came up to me and told me I had a beautiful smile or that I was very pretty. I didn’t know these women of God and they didn’t know them, but God used them to give me a boost. I had to believe them. They were strangers and had no reason to lie to me. That whole weekend was powerful and started me in the process of changing my inner dialogue. Every time I thought something negative about myself, I would say positive affirmations or speak the work over myself. The first scripture I meditated on and said every day for affirmation was “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well (Ps 139:L14).” I could argue against the word of God. Other times when I would be down, a song would come on the radio that would lift my spirit. I remember another time in my life when I was in a toxic relationship and I had a hard time breaking away because again, broken me did not think I deserved better. I started listening to Shirley Murdock’s “I Love Me Better Than That.” I would replay the part of the song where she says, “Now I'm packing up all of my broken pieces
And the little bit of strength that remains cause I love me better than that.” I began to visualize myself picking up all the broken piece of myself and loving myself back whole. Shirley also said in the song, “I want my hope back (I want my hopes back) I want my dreams back (Dreams back) So don't you come back. I'm gonna get my life back Cause I love me.” That became my anthem. I listened to that song every day, several times a day until I was living the words. I prayed the words. I would cry out to God and asked Him to give me my life back, my dreams back, my hope back and my self-esteem back. God did exactly that and more. I broke away from that situation and my life and image of myself has never been the same.
I decided to get better emotionally, spiritually and psychologically by any means necessary because I am worth it. I got professional help. I started seeing a counselor. The first time I started seeing a counselor was soon after I graduated from college. I was not ready at that time to deep that deep, so I only had minor breakthroughs. I wasn’t until my life depended on me dealing with my demons that I was truly open to therapy. I had to give up control and be 100% vulnerable. I had to tell my therapist things that no one other than God has ever known. I will admit, there are still some things that are so deep rooted in me, I still have not been able to share. My therapist helped me to be ok with that. I took my years to bury myself and it will take a while for me to unbury all of the pain. The main thing I got out of counseling is that I matter. I matter, not just to God, but to myself and to others. That seems so small, but for me, it was everything. Now for me, I chose to go to a licensed clinical therapist, but there are other options. There are Christian counseling available through most churches. Although I didn’t go that route, it is a good option for those who want a counselor that understands their spiritual walk. I was fortunate in that my therapist is Christian and had an understanding of my belief system and helped my overcome my limitations and realize that talking to her was not a denial of my faith. God ordained doctors and therapist. You go to a doctor when you are physically sick, why not go to a therapist when you are emotionally or psychologically sick?
Through counselor, I learned to change my self-talk. Instead, my go to negative talk, I learned to interrupt the dialogue and replace it with positive affirmations. When my broken self would say, you’ve lost weight, but you are still overweight. I would say, “But I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His Image. God has given me beauty for all of the ashes I have dealt with in my life.” When my brokenness says “no body cares. You are all alone.” I say, “I am the apple of His eye. He will never leave me or forsake me.” When all else fails, I call my momma and she tell me that she loves me without even knowing what I am going through.
Here are a few of my favorite daily affirmations:
“I am enough.”
“I am allowed to feel pleasure in my life.”
“I am Worthy,”
“God made me unique and is always by my side.”
“I am allowed to feel upset, angry, and sad sometimes—that’s part of being human.”
“I can accomplish all of my goals. I am in control of my destiny. If I can envision it, I can make it happen.”
“I am responsible for how well my day goes. I choose the thoughts that control my feelings, actions, and responses. So I choose thoughts of love, patience, self-belief, self-love, and happiness.”




 

Reflection:

What are some things that have impacted your self-image?








How do you counter act your negative self-talk?








Create your own positive affirmations:






 
Relationship Trauma
Relationships are how we connect with other people. There are familiar relationships, friendship relationships or romantic relationships. We are social people and sometimes define ourselves by our relationship with others. Sadly, a lot of people experience broken relationships. When relationships end, either by choice, broken trust or death, we go through a grief period. Depending on the importance of the relationship and/or how the relationship ended, we can find ourselves in a place of despair and depression. People deal with broken relationships differently.
-Closure
Some people are able to move past negative emotions after a break-up and use the experience as a learning tool, especially if they were the ones who ended the relationship or mutually agreed that the relationship need to end. When the relationship ends for one party, but the other party is still holding on to the idea of the relationship can lead to emotional trauma. In those situations, many, not all are still holding on because they never got closure. They go back to thinking like broken me and needing to know why it happened? Why didn’t they love me the way I loved them? Why did they cheat on them when I gave them my everything?
Personally, I never found closure in seeking out the person or having that closure conversation. Experience taught me that seeking closure led me to two things: being ensnared in a taxic situation again or gaining more hurt. I sometimes found myself ensnared again by getting caught up in my feelings for that person because they saw my heart and told me exactly what I wanted to hear to get exactly what they wanted. They played on my obvious feeling for them. I often found myself easily maneuvered into a compromising position with them, wanting just one more time for the road or really going beyond my boundaries in a last ditch attempt for them to accept me. Remember the broken me didn’t think anyone would love or accept me, so in that broken thinking, the broken me would compromise to get what she really didn’t think would ever be hers.
So how would I gain more hurt? Good questions. When we ask why, we have to be prepared to hear the truth and sometimes the truth is that they just don’t want you. They don’t like you or you have gone beyond your usefulness. You have to ask yourself, what is the motivation for that person to even agree to meet up with you and have that talk with you? On the other hand, their perception of the relationship and breakup could be completely different from yours. In all actuality, that person may have never considered themselves in an actual relationship with you. To them, you may have just been a pastime or midgame intermission. So you’ve gotten your answer why, but did you really get closure.
So how do we get emotional closure within ourselves without looking to the other person? We go to God. As I have heard many preachers say, God truly wants to heal us everywhere we hurt. He tells us over and over to bring all our cares to Him. That includes our emotional burdens as well.
I was recently listening to a song by Jonathan Nelson called Residue. The chorus says (and I paraphrase), “You washed away. You made me new. You leave no residue.” See when we go to God, He washes away the hurt, the pain, the shame and the broken self-doubt completely and leaves no residue. The why doesn’t matter much when the author and finisher of our faith can wash away everything the hinders our growth, health and emotional wellbeing. Finding that closure in God is a process, you have to start by being open and honest with God. You have to take it all to Him. New flash, He already knows anyway, so there is no need to hide the ugly from Him.
In my late 20s, I started dating this guy after not dating for several years. I thought I went into that relationship the right way. I explained to him that I wasn’t dating at that point in my life for the sake of dating. I was dating with purpose. I explained to him the concept of dating with purpose. That we would be dating with the purpose of developing a lasting and loving connection that could lead to marriage. Now looking back in hindsight, although my intentions were clear, my delivery was poor. He did not ask for clarification and took that conversation as me pushing for marriage right then and there. The message I was trying to get across was that I was not into casual dating and would only date someone on my same level and was also dating with purpose. Someone who was also looking for a life partner down the road.
The backstory is that we were two broken people, who had been through past relationship trauma and never really healed completely. I think I was in a better place than he was, because I had actively worked on myself and had intentionally stayed away from dating until I was in a place where I could be open and vulnerable in a relationship without baggage. He on the other hand had been hurt and used in passed relationships. Everyone told him that I was a good catch. Since he thought I was a good option, within six months of dating, he proposed. Looking back, I don’t think he was ready for marriage and he reacted to past trauma and proposed out of fear instead of love. At this time, I had developed genuine feelings for him, so while I had reservations about him being ready, I said yes. That should have been the beginning of our story, but it was actually the beginning of the end.
We set a date for the wedding. All our friends, family and church family were excited. Most people thought we were a good couple. I grounded him and made him more responsible. During the six months of dating, I had helped him balance his check book, started putting necessities in his apartment when needed, without him asking and essentially doing the job of a wife without the benefit of marriage. Like so many, I invested way more than I was getting. All I got out of the relationship really was a ring.
A couple months before our wedding, I went wedding dress shopping and found the perfect dress. As much as I loved that dress, I could not bring myself to buy it. Deep down, I think I knew that something was very wrong. On the surface, we were still that couple, but things were not the same. He slowly began to change the nature of our relationship. At this point, I was still 100% invested and was trying to meet him halfway. The first sign that the end was closure than us actually getting married was that he suggested that we maintain separate residences after the marriage although we lived and worked in the same town. There was really no reason to maintain two households other than him still wanting to live a single lifestyle. He would rather live in an efficiency apartment than a 3-bedroom home with me. Shortly after that, he started visiting “family” out of town very frequently. Finally, he asked us to push back our original wedding date. I was actually ok with that because we were within three months of the wedding and I had not ordered invitations, didn’t have a venue or the wedding gown. In truth, I had not done anything for the wedding at all. So, you can say that I never really thought we would get married.
I have to admit that at this point, the signs were undeniable that he wasn’t as invested in us as I was but broken me thought that I just had to try harder to understand him and be irreplaceable in his life. I went along with everything he wanted. I tried to be the voice of reason and talk to him about him being ready to get married. I offered for us to step back to dating and think about getting married later. I would just say that he loved me, his family loved me and that he knew I was one of the good ones. I was the perfect girlfriend. He was right, I was the perfect girlfriend. I cooked, cleaned and treated him like my husband from the time we became exclusive. In hindsight, I realized that I invested too much too soon.
So now we are down to just a few months before we were supposed to get married, and he was preparing to go on another trip to visit “family.” A day or two before he was supposed to go on that trip, I was helping him with something, I can’t even remember now what I was helping him with, but I had to go into his computer to do whatever it was. Now I had access to his computer the whole time we were together, but I am not one of those females that search through his things. When I went into his email, by chance I noticed a string of emails from a feminine sounding email address. It wasn’t family and the subject on some of the emails was very suspect. At first, I did just what he asked me to do and was about to log off, but my mind said, just click on one of them. Out of over 20 email to and from this person, I clicked on just one email and that one email told me everything. He was planning to go spend a romantic weekend with another woman. They were planning a strawberry and champagne kind of weekend. The sad thing was he broke the trust of our relationship for some random he met online. They were very graphic with what they planned to do to each other. There was nothing left for my imagination and no way I could lie to myself about what had been going on. No, I didn’t go back and read old emails. There was no need to. All the signs were there.
So how did I respond to this relationship trauma? Not very good. Remember, I was already broken, and my broken thinking kicked in. First, I moved my vehicle (so there were no witnesses). Then I snuck back to his apartment and waiting for him in the dark. Did I mention that I had a praying momma. She had to be praying for me because at this time, I was not praying for myself and my intention was the do bodily harm, But God. He did not come right home from work that night and when I called him, he told me he was working overtime. I gathered the evidence I needed, confronted him on the phone then left and went home. I ended things with him and he tried to make me look like a crazy jealous female to all of our mutual friends. He didn’t know that I had already printed the email because you know he deleted them. I was just ready to walk away, but he tried to make me out to be the crazy one, so I showed our closest friend the emails and at that point he had to admit what he did. Sadly, the broken me wanted things to work between us after he admitted he was wrong, but even after being caught, he still decided to take the trip to see that person. That was my answer and should have been closure enough. He couldn’t possibly care about me and follow through with a “hookup”.
So now to the closure part. I admit after the fact that I did things in the wrong way initially but came to my senses and did it the right way eventually. I did have the “closure conversation” with him and basically, he told me what I wanted to heat. He was sorry and all that. I had a lot of anger that I held on the inside. I tried to be his friend, but shortly after that, he started another relationship and moved a female in with him. Fortunately, he left the church we attended together, so I didn’t have to see him with his new lady. I heard about him through mutual friend. I went through a period of dating another guy just to prove to everyone that I had moved on. That was my trauma response to the broken relationship. Sadly, that is a common trauma response to broken relationships. Instead of taking the time to heal, people move from one relationship to another dragging all of their baggage with them.
Looking back, I realize that confronting him only left me broken, angry, confused and hurt. Moving forward in that brokenness, I found myself again unable to be open and trusting in future relationships. After a time, thankfully, not a long time, since I was already in my process of healing. I again turned to God and allowed Him to heal me. That healing came in phases. The phases including recognizing the issue; seeking God for a solution and then trust in the process.
The first thing I did was recognize that I was walking in pain, fear and shame. I prayed daily. I laid myself emotionally naked before God. I admitted to God that I was suffocating from emotional pain, shame and anger. In a work I was becoming bitter. I had always been taught to ask God for what you want. Seek Him for all the answer and knock on the door of opportunity. Being at an age where I wanted to be different. I went to God without ceasing. I prayed very specific prayers. My prayer was, “Lord please don’t let me become bitter. Create in me a clean heart and renew your right spirit within me. Help me to walk in Your light and Your Love. Help me Lord to forgive as you have forgiven me.” If you are curious, yes, I do remember my specific prayers. I prayed them daily until my breakthrough came. I also kept a prayer journal.
While I was praying and going through my process, two things happened. I was instantly healed from the anger during a revival at my church and God started me a journey of self-discovery, self-forgiveness and growth.
How do you close the door to relationship trauma without reinjuring yourself emotionally or spiritually? The first step is acknowledging the hurt, the anger, the shame and your role in the breakdown in the relationship. This does not just apply to intimate relationships. When I was going through my process, I developed a worksheet in my journal to assist me in focusing on the things I needed closure from. By focusing on my specific issues, I was able to focus on the problem and not get caught up in the trauma response to the many environmental triggers I dealt with every day (the actual worksheet will be included in the companion journal). I asked myself several questions based on what I was feeling. The questions remained the same, but over time with reflection, my answers changed. My questions were:
What is the issue/event I need closure from? (Be specific)
What am I really feeling? What are those hidden feelings that I am afraid to share or trying to bury deep down in my subconsciousness?
What do I think I should be feeling?
Why am I feeling this way?
What has been my response/action/reaction to feeling this way?
What do I want to change in this situation?
What actions/reactions do I want to change?
What are my triggers? (What causes my actions/reactions?)
How do I recognized when I am being triggered?
How can I counteract those triggers?
What can I or should I do differently in the future? (see reflection at end of section)
Answering these questions openly and honestly helped me to focus my prayers. I had to get to my inner issues. The first step for me was dealing with my anger response. I had a lot of anger and distrust and when triggered, my response was more often than not, extreme anger. It wasn’t an aggressive anger but anger no less. I discovered that my responses stemmed from me growing bitter from being hurt. I mean, why should I be dealing with the hurt when that person has moved on and living their life? Where is the fairness in that? During my darkness hours, I even questioned if God loved them more than me. That why my initial prayer was about being delivered from bitterness and asking God to renew His right spirit within me. I knew that my spirit was broken, but in God, there is wholeness. In Him, I could live the fullness of life.
Now I would like to tell you that I had an instant breakthrough, and my actions and reactions changed the first time I completed my journal, but it didn’t. In examining myself, I realized that I was the thing holding up my progress. I was not being completely honest about what I was feeling. I had spent years perfecting my “I am OK” persona. I had automatic responses for every situation. I spent years training myself to say and do what I thought people wanted to see and hear. It was so deep rooted, that I even started telling myself what I thought I should think and feel to hide what I was truly feeling. On the surface, I looked like I would always bounce back stronger than ever, but there was still a broken little girl buried deep inside who was afraid to show the world who she really was. There was this broken person who was afraid that if she opened up, the pieces of herself would fall so far apart, she wouldn’t be able to rebuild herself. You know what? She wouldn’t be able to do it. Not in her own might or power.
Recognizing that even putting the truth in my journal was too much for me in the beginning, I kept doing the one thing that I knew to do and that was pray. I kept praying and kept digging deeper into my true feeling. God kept sending inspiration, messages and people in my path to assist me in breaking down the walls and knocking down the mental blocks in my mind. I can remember in the late 1990s or early 2000s, I was listening to a cassette tape by Paula White. I had actually played this one message numerous times, but this time, I actually heard her say, “You can’t conquer won’t confront.” Like on those early morning cartoons I used to watch, a lightbulb went off in my mind. As long as I keep my inner feelings buried, I couldn’t confront my issues. Because I had been refusing to honestly confront the things that went against the image I presented to the world, I could not conquer those things that were holding my back. Once I started honestly answering those questions with my true inner feelings and started digging deeper than the surface, my process began in truth. I was then able to go back before God and asked him to not only have me forgive the ones that hurt me but help me to forgive myself as God had already forgiven me. I honestly cried out to God and confessed my sins. I admitted my short comings and the choices and mostly the compromising I had allowed myself to make out of fear. I admitted to God that although I knew He was faithful and just to forgive (1John 1:9), I had not forgiven myself. The shame and disappointment of the choices I made was eating me alive. I knew better, but I didn’t do better and that broke another piece of myself. I lost myself in my mixed-up effort to keep a relationship that was never meant to be. All because I was afraid that if I didn’t do those things or compromise myself, that person wouldn’t love me. Looking back now, I know that was not love at all. The was purely and fear response.
I continued to cry out to God and asked Him to heal the inner child in me who was hurt, broken and ashamed. That little girl who felt unworthy. I continued to ask God to renew His spirit in me. I asked God to wash me, cleanse me and purge daily. I asked God to reveal every hidden fear and emotion in my subconscious mind.
I discovered that what I needed closure from was not the broken relationship or the person in that relationship, but myself and the broken thinking I was doing. That broken thing led to broken choices, I opened myself to destruction. I was that sheep that willing walked myself to the slaughter. Sidenote, in no way am I saying what the other person did in the relationship was ok, but his actions should not have dictated my actions. My actions kept me locked in a long-term trauma response.
When you seek God for closure, He will get to the root cause of the issue. He will show you yourself and then He will deliver you with no residue. It is a process and not always an instant thing. We deal with things at our own pace. For me the process was longer because I had a deep issue with trust and letting go of the control that I had convinced myself that I had over my life. You have to be willing to lay it all down at the feet of the throne and truly leave it there. You have to give up control or at least your perception of control. That doesn’t mean that you do nothing, it means that you let God direct your path.
In dealing with relationship trauma, look for the root cause of your pain and trauma response. Though I was hurt by the events in the relationship, I was broken by the choices I made. In other words, my internal issues had more of an impact than any external factor he introduced. I invested beyond the point that I would ever get a return on that investment; and guess what, I invested all of that on my own. He never asked for that and if I am honest, he probably had no idea what return I was expecting. He had his own brokenness to deal with. I am not responsible for his choices, and he was not responsible for the choices I made.
Choices/Habits
Psalm 52
“Why boastest thou thyself in mischief, O mighty man? the goodness of God endureth continually. Thy tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully.
Thou lovest evil more than good; and lying rather than to speak righteousness. Selah.
Thou lovest all devouring words, O thou deceitful tongue.
God shall likewise destroy thee for ever, he shall take thee away, and pluck thee out of thy dwelling place, and root thee out of the land of the living. Selah.
The righteous also shall see, and fear, and shall laugh at him: Lo, this is the man that made not God his strength; but trusted in the abundance of his riches, and strengthened himself in his wickedness. But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God: I trust in the mercy of God for ever and ever. I will praise thee for ever, because thou hast done it: and I will wait on thy name; for it is good before thy saints.”




We have to be mindful of the different choices we make in life. Some choices become habit. Many people who fall into a pattern of behavior can trace it back to one simple choice. I have heard people say if I had never done this or that the first time, I would not be in this position. I once worked with youth who were in trouble with the law. I was working with this young man who ended up in situation because he made the choice to get in car and go for a ride with friends he was not supposed to be hanging with. That one decision lead to him almost losing his childhood and future. You see, those friend had stolen the car after they had committed a more serious crime. When those friends were caught, he was with them in the car. He had know prior knowledge of the crime they had committed, but he was there with them in the stolen car. He was found guilty of the crime with the other youth, but because all of the witnesses said he was not present at the commission of the crime, he was sent to juvenile instead of going to prison with the other who actually did the serious crime. Now how does this relate to choices becoming habits? Prior to this, he had already made a choice to sneak out to hang with these friends even though he had been told that they were trouble. After the first time, he continued to hang with them without his family knowing until hanging with them was a habit for him, so when they showed up in a strange car, he had already been going against his better judgment to hang with them, so this time was just routine for him.
As we know, God always gives us a way of escape after we have been caught up in situations. For this young man, he was given a second chance to live a normal life. He received a GED while in juvenile and was accepted into a university. He was released early to go to college. He was given ever tool to be successful and I hope that he continue to walk in the right path. The lesson is that our choices can become habits that lead us down a path of broken behavior if we are not intentional about the choices we make.

-Family Dynamics and Perception
Family and family relationships can be our greatest strength and also our greatest weakness. Brokenness through family relationship can also be the most devastating. Since I have already talked about being broken by events that happened in my childhood, I will not spend time on that here. Here I will discuss how family relationships can shape our image of ourselves and how we interact with others. It is by this thing called perception. Often times, adults do not take into account how their actions or inactions are perceived by children. Sometimes we say things that in our minds are helpful, but the way they are perceived by the child can be very detrimental to the development of that child. Remember, when you are talking, you are coming from a place of all the experiences you have had over the years, but the child is hearing your words with a very limited world view and often takes things very literally.
Sometimes, we don’t understand that the things we say to and/or about children stick to them. To adults, the comment may be in passing, but to a child, it can be life altering. While as adults, we may say the wrong things at the wrong time without malicious intent, the words can still cause lasting damage. Children are like sponges. They hear and hold on to everything. I can personally remember things that were said around me, about me and to me from a very young age. Sometimes there is a very fine line between constructive and destructive criticism. We all need corrections. It is true that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child. No, I’m not advocating corporal discipline, just stating that discipline is necessary. I’m not here to tell anyone how to raise their child, just pointing out that how we treat out children can impact their growth and development. See, I was traumatized at a very young age. At an age before I knew how to tell someone verbally what was happening, so I started acting out in different ways. I was seen as “bad” some days. I can remember vividly the things that were said during that time and me internalizing everything and thinking that I was just a bad child and that no one would ever love me. I grew up believing that I didn’t deserve anything good. In fact, I blamed myself for everything that happened because I was bad. I worked hard to be the opposite of bad so that people would love me. When I didn’t prove myself to be the best at everything, I was usually devastated. I thought I had to be the best at everything to gain love and when I wasn’t, I acted out more. It became a cycle. I would try and try, then act out if I didn’t get the response, I thought I wanted or what I thought were expressions of love. As we grew as a society and began to understand human development, we learned how to better communicate. I think as a teenager or young adult, my family began to understand some of my brokenness and began to reaffirm that I was part of the family and loved. I know now that I was always loved, I just needed to be handled differently because I had been broken at such an early age by someone who claimed to love me. My concept of love was shaken.
Family relationships are the first line of defense. Children grow and develop their personalities within the family. How we treat them shapes how they see themselves. The family also has the unique opportunity to recognize changes in children and can help them reach their full potential. As an aunt, I paid attention to my nieces and nephews. I noticed big and small changes in them. I made sure that they knew that I was always on their size and would fight any battle for them. They knew that they had someone in their lives that loved them unconditionally and would walk through the fire for them. I made a point of telling them that they were awesome and when they messed up, they knew that I believed in them and knew they could do better.
Discernment
We have all heard the saying that when a person shows you who they are, believe them. It goes a little deeper then that. Some times good people do bad things, but the bad thing they did is not necessarily who they are. On the other hand, if that person continuously foes that same bad thing over and over again, it is probably who they are. When you know who that person is, treat them accordingly. That does not always mean cutting them out of your life, but it does require adjusting your interaction with them.
I remember a conversation with my “nephew”, H e said, I see who she is now. She has her issues and now I know how to treat her. Since she was someone related to him, he choose not to cut her out of his life, but he knew how to treat her in order to remain true to himself and maintain a familiar relationship with her. When I was younger, I had a unique relationship with the man that I called daddy, He wasn’t my biological father; however, he was the man on my birth certificate. He was my older siblings father. For years, I maintained a relationship with him that at times was closer then his biological children. One of my brothers asked me how me and daddy were so close. It was simple, I never expected more from him then he was able to give me. I knew that daddy was old school abd there was some things rhat he just wasn’t going to do. I knew he was not going to be the one to pick up the phone, but he and I talked every month. We talked every month for hours because I called him. We both looked forward to our conversations. He shared his wisdom with me, listened to what I had to say, sometimes and then told me what I needed to do. When I was in college, all of my friends knew that a certain day of the month, I would be on a call with my “daddy” and for that time, I did not want to be interrupted. Our daddy daughter relationship was simple I didn’t expect or ask him for more then he was willing and or able to give me.
We have to recognize who people are and not always look at what they do. We put people in certain positions or careers on a pedestal and when they show us who they are, we get devastated. Prime example, there is a popular gospel singer who is getting a lot of blow-back because she does not act the way society thinks she should. She performs gospel and sings very well. She never said that music was ministry for her. She is a performer. Singing gospel is what she does. There are a lot of gifted people in the world of gospel singers. Not all of them are ministers of music. They sing the word, but that is not who they are. I can appreciate the singer’s gift without looking to them for anything else.
It is not always easy to separate what a person does from who they are. That’s where discernment comes in. God can and will give you discernment concerning the people in your life. There are several scripture that talks about discernment, but my favorite is Hosea 14: 9 “Who is wise? Let them realize these things. Who is discerning? Let them understand. The ways of the LORD are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them.”
When people come into my life, I pray and ask God to show me the heart of that person. I then sit back and watch that person. One thing that I have come to know over the years is that ever person that stops by your life is not meant to be there forever. They are there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It takes discernment to know, understand and accept the difference. Many of us have been hurt and broken because we took a person who was only meant to be in our life for a short season and tried to make them lifetime partners. We fought to hold on to someone whose season was up in our lives.
I had a good friend once. I would even say at one time, she was one oof my closet friends. We were two broken souls who gravitated to each other. I had witnessed her cross boundaries with other people and skate some of my lines, but I overlooked it because we were friends and in my mind, I thought that the line that meant something to me would never get crossed, but it did and I was devastated, Truth of the matter is, I knew who that person was. I knew they were broken and did some things out of brokenness. I should not have allowed us to be in a position for that line to be crossed. Since I knew who that person was, I should have treated them accordingly and kept a certain level of separation. I wanted this person to be a lifelong friend, when in actuality, we were only meant to help each other get past a certain trauma we had both experienced. Once our season was over, we should have peacefully moved on with our lives, but we didn’t, and our friendship suffered in the long run. We are still friends today, but not as close as before. Our relationship now is as it should have been; friendly with respectful separation.

 
Prayer for Discernment:

Proverbs 3:5–6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Ephesians 5:6–10
Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.
-Prayer
Father God, I come before you today asking you to guide my footsteps and lead me on a path of righteousness. I ask for the spirit of discernment to see what is right in your sight. Father I pray for the understanding that only comes by Your Spirit. Help me Lord to not rely on my own understanding. Lord open my eyes to see the path before me clearly. Lord help me to see the intentions of those I interact with. I pray to be a light for those walking in darkness and a support for those walking in Your light. I pray for the discernment to know the difference. Lord I thank you for the divine connections You have placed in my life. I pray for the discernment to know when you are speaking through these people. In Jesus Name I pray.

Reflection:

What is the issue/event I need closure from? (Be specific)








What am I really feeling? What are those hidden feelings that I am afraid to share or trying to bury deep down in my subconsciousness?








What do I think I should be feeling?








Why am I feeling this way?








What has been my response/action/reaction to feeling this way?








What do I want to change in this situation?








What actions/reactions do I want to change?


What are my triggers? (What causes my actions/reactions?)








How do I recognized when I am being triggered?








How can I counteract those triggers?






What can I or should I do differently in the future?







What Habits do I need to change?










How has family relationships impacted my life?








How do I perceive myself?






 
Lessons Learned:
I learned that God will exceed every goal or expectation when you trust Him to get you through your process.
So what do you do when you know the truth and you are still not free? Absolutely nothing but pray. When you reach this point, everything that you have done before has only gotten you to where you are. When you stop doing what you know to do and be still; When you stop trying to figure it out, stop trying to come up with a plan and stop trying to control every aspect of your life, you truly begin to trust God. In short, when you have done all you can, stop doing and just stand. Literally just stop and pray. Free up the clutter in your mind and give it to God. Don’t just say you are giving it to God, release the control to God. God will lead and guide you and without the clutter in your mind, you will be able to clearly hear Him. If you are hardheaded like me, God will use other means to get your attention. For me, God put people in my path and different gospel songs in my spirit. For each phase and step I took, there was another nudge in my spirit leading me to the next step. There were times when I would wake up in the middle of the night and hear a message on Christian TV that was exactly what I needed to hear at that specific time. There were times I would be driving in my car and regardless of what radio station I was listening to, a song would come on that would speak to my spirit. Sometimes my negative inner talk would be so loud, I couldn’t hear that still small voice, but God always met me exactly where I was. He would grab my attention and His message would be so obvious, there would be no way I could convince myself of anything else.
Broken trust is one of the most difficult trauma to overcome. The steps to breakthrough literally take you doing the one thing that you were broken from and that is learning to trust again. The definition of trust is the firm belief in the reality, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.
When broken through trauma, your ability to trust is shaken to the core. You have to allow God to rebuild that trust in Him. Not man, but God Himself. Humans are fallible, but God is divine.
 
PART II: GRACEFULLY BROKEN

Gracefully Broken
8 For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life: 9 But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead:
17 When I therefore was thus minded, did I use lightness? or the things that I purpose, do I purpose according to the flesh, that with me there should be yea yea, and nay nay?
2Cor. 1:8-9,17

Earlier, we discussed imposed brokenness and we looked at being emotionally, spiritually and psychologically broken by the actions of other people. Now we will discuss being Gracefully Broken. Now let me define what that means. Gracefully broken means that God is processing you. He is repositioning, restoring and rebuilding you. It does not mean that he is destroying or crushing you in any form.
I was once asked if God truly loved me, why did He allow me to go through the horrible things I went through in my life? Did I believe God was allowed those things to happen in my life to mold me in to the woman of God I became? I admit that I had to think about that and pray about that. Like so many others, I had heard spiritual person say that God will make us suffer to get us where He wants us to be. I had to grow to understand that to say that is a surface answer, but it goes much deeper than that. Its easy for us to sit back and blame God for everything that happens in our lives and never hold individuals accountable for their actions. So my answer is it was never God’s will for those things to happen to me, but He gives us free will. The individuals who harmed or hurt me exercised their free will and made a choice to do the things that they did. God being the loving God that He is, He gave me a way out of my pain through healing and restoration. So no, God did not cause me to be broken, but He did make a way for me to be rebuilt, restored and renewed,

 
Broken to be Rebuilt (Restored)
Graceful brokenness starts with surrendering your all to God. Having absolute trust that He is in control and His will is that you prosper in every area of your life. During this process, my favorite scripture became Jeremiah 29:11-12 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. 12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.” I know in my spirit that God meant me only good. I was so broken that God had to rebuild me. Like with a car engine, I had to be cleansed, then all the broken pieces had to be removed and finally, the old worn, broken parts were replaced with new and/or improved parts. Now I don’t know much about mechanics or fixing cars, but I do know that a rebuilt engine runs like a new engine.
I remember growing up, my uncle drove this classic truck. My uncle invested a lot of time caring for this truck. The truck was a gift to him from my grandfather and he valued that truck. My uncle drove and cared for that truck all of my life, up until my uncle went to rest with the Father. Now how much more does God care for us and wants us to thrive all of our lives? Remember earlier I told you that God gave me beauty for all the ashes I had in my life. Like the song said, my life was torn, beyond repair. God came along and gave me a song.
I used to wonder why people that lose their homes in a disaster choose to rebuild in the same spot. They worked hard to get their homes. They invested time, energy, sometimes tears and blood into building a home for themselves and their family. They had invested too much not to rebuild. They are determined to show the world that they will not be beaten. They will be back. Most of the time when they rebuild, they build back better than what was initially there. They put all their love into the process. God has that same love for us. He wants us to rise above every disaster and know that the world cannot defeat us because we are His and He has already defeated the world. When God is rebuilding us, it is not always comfortable, but we experience His love in a new and powerful way. It hurts when the broken pieces get cut out of our lives, but the joy we feel when He adds the new parts in us is worth all of the pain.
One of the hardest things to overcome during the rebuilding process is our insecurities and fears. Yes, we trust God unconditional, but we question our worth and ask ourselves if we deserve this or not. It’s a good thing that God doesn’t ask for our opinion when rebuilding us. It’s a good think that God looks at our inner parts and sees what he has designed us to be from our mother’s wombs and now how we see ourselves. At our lowest point, God is there to lift us up. We can’t do it by our power, but by His spirit. God told us in His word, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Ph 4”8-7”
When I doubt myself, I lean on God. He is my strength when I am weak. No matter who may seem to be against me, God is for me and means to do me good. In the end, everything will work in my favor and for my good.
The thing about rebuilding is we have to start with a strong foundation. The strongest foundation is the Word of God. There is an answer for all your needs in the Word of God. God said if we seek Him first and His righteousness, He will add all the things we want and need. Once we have the foundation, we anchor the walls with faith. Faith gives us the strength to keep moving through the process, even when we can’t see the final product. I watch a lot of HGTV and on all of the remodeling shows, they face many delays and budget crisis, but they stick to it and come out better in the end. When God is rebuilding us, we may have some delays and may be stuck on one area when we want to get another area done, but God knows our end from the beginning. He knows when a shift is coming and if we trust Him, we’ll end up with an upshift in our market and make a greater spiritual profit than if the delay never happened.
Finally, after the foundation has been set and all of the walls and guts of the building have been completed and anchored, God works on staging and positioning us. God will bring divine connections in your life. These connections will help you get to the next step in your process. Several years ago, I met a young lady and by society ideals, we should not have a relationship, but God connected us and throughout the years, we have encouraged and helped each other through some very difficult times. You see this young lady is the mother of my husband’s youngest son. Some people think that her and I connecting is weird, but I know it is God. It was through her that the idea of completing and writing about this process was birth. She helped me to put a few things into perspective about how and why some big changes came about in my life. The connection to her was necessary when redesigning areas of my new rebuilt spiritual house. God also connected me to my pastors soon after I moved to Tallahassee. Without their spiritual guidance, I don’t know where I would have been. They prayed me through sometimes when I wanted to give up. They brought new light into my life. A few years ago, I met a young lady at the job where I was working. She lit a fire under me to go back and get a higher degree simply by saying that if I didn’t get up and do something about the lack of having a master’s degree then stop complaining about getting passed over for advancement. I was letting fear hold me back from even trying and she shut down every excuse I gave her. After that fire was lit, I went on to get 2 master’s degrees and a doctorate degree. She added determination and achievement to my home during the rebuilding process and added to the foundation. Over the last 15 years, God has been connecting me to people who are going places and accomplishing things in their lives. They are starting businesses, gaining new skills and writing books. They are adding vision to my new rebuilt house. To rebuild is to restore or make it like new.
God is a God of Restoration.
7 Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. Isiah 61:7
It is His will to restore everything that was taken from you. The trauma that I experienced stunted my growth for years and I allowed myself to miss out on many opportunities for growth and success. Through my process, God restored those missed opportunities in my life. In my 30s and 40s, I continued my education. I earned 2 Masters degrees and a Doctorate degree. So while in my brokenness, I dropped out of school in the 9th grade. Two years later, God designed a school specifically for me to be able to go back to high school, get the full experience of being a student and graduate on time with my original class. God then opened the door for me to win a full ride academic scholarship to earn a Bachelor of Art degree.
That was just the beginning for me. Over the last 2 decades, God has been slowly rebuilding my life brick by brick. I spoke earlier about my perception of my family relationships. I convinced myself that I was unloved and unwanted. God changed that narrative and restored the relationships that were only broken on my end. A few years ago, in the middle of one of my self-sabotage moments, I was in a toxic relationship and on the verge of losing everything. I was so broken; I didn’t even know to ask for help. God moved on my mother and my oldest sister. They rescued me and helped me get back on my feet without hesitation. God showed me the loved that my family has always had for me that my brokenness would not let me see. While my choice led me to a crisis, God used that crisis to open my eyes and my heart to the unconditional love that had always been there. My family showed me in words and deeds that they had always had my back and would walk through fire for their baby sister.
During that time of crisis, I was somewhat “homeless” for 2 weeks. Yet again, God through divine connection made my homelessness painless. See, I was so ashamed of my situation, that I did not tell my family that I basically had no where to stay and would not be able to move into a new place for at least 2 weeks. My plan was to park my car at my job and sleep there for the 2 weeks I needed. The garage there was secure, and the bathroom had a shower. At the time, I was working until 11:30 at night anyway. My pastors had paid for a storage for me to keep all my belongings until I was able to move into a new place. So here is what happened. I had to move out my rental, but I would not be able to move into my new place for t weeks. I don’t know how my pastor figured it out, but she asked me where I was planning to stay for those two weeks, and I couldn’t give her an answer. My pastors invited me to come stay with them for the two weeks I needed to transition to my new place. It was a time for me to reflect and make some changes. God was doing some new things in my life and let me tell you, I have never found myself in that kind of crisis again. I will discuss more about that crisis in the next part of the book. That crisis was a catalyst in my healing process. God is so faithful. He always gives us a way of escape. My action and the actions I allowed other to take in my life lead me to my bottom, but God gave me divine connections that kept me and help me to rise up again. None of the things that happened after that made human sense, but God. Let’s just say that I ended up in a ten times better situation than what I started in.
Throughout my life, there are periods of God restoring, rebuilding and directing me along this journey. I found that no matter how “saved” we become, there will be a time when we need to surrender something to God and be restored in our faith.
 
Reflection:
What is God rebuilding in your life?







What do you need to surrender to God?








Notes:





 

Broken to be Directed
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds. Hebrews 12:2-3


If we seek God and acknowledge Him
Chapter Summary/Key Takeaways
Insert content here…


In the next chapter, you will learn…


PART III: Healing


God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever.
- Vance Havner