Journal #2 4/4/23

I don't think it's true that I want to be single, but it's more like I just need some alone time. I need time to reflect and to get in touch with my emotions and thoughts. I need time to marinate and really consider what happened during the day. Proximity is not a bad thing, but I think that whenever I feel that I don't have enough alone time I blame proximity.

I wanted to get that out there. After thinking about what I wrote last time, I decided that it was a bit harsh and not completely true. I think that, acting as an inspiration for writing, my emotions also helped create feelings that weren't justified. I think that's pretty cool though: how, after writing, I realized my rather extreme feelings and judged them as innaccurate.

Sometimes I know exactly what I want to talk about. Sometimes I sit down and forget everything that I have thought of since then. Maybe it's time to write about change. Maybe it's time that I enact change. Maybe it's time that I need to change.

I think that I need to change both by destroying and creating. I want to dive into music produciton and possibly animation. Dark ambient is so influential for me: I listen to it every day. Creating music like that and putting it out there, even if no one knows about it, feels like a very emotionally and intellectually satisfying thing. One of the great things about music is the simplicity and subjectivity behind it. I don't need to create epic pieces that go on and on and on, with an absurd amount of layers and musical intertwinings. I think that I could just create something simple, something that evokes the feeling that I'm looking for. That's what I love about dark ambient. The way it just places you into a new universe. There are no words, no lyrics, no predisposition. You're just there, feeling the piece and the environment that it creates. It's like I can just stay there for a little while and brood in the atmosphere of the song. I think maybe that's why dark ambient brings me such solace. Even though dark ambient usually dark, spooky, dreadful, and even scary, it creates for me a type of portal that takes me out of this universe and into another. This universe, created by the artist only, is separate from this one. It's its own thing, its own entity. I can step into it for a little while, and when I'm ready, I can come back. It is so specific and intimate, I don't think there is a way I couldn't love it.

I want to buy a field-recording microphone and record samples whenever I go on a walk. I can think of a few spots that are quite and some that are loud. I want some urban sounds of traffic, trains, airplanes, and I want sounds of nature. I want walking, leaves rustling, wind blowing, loud sounds that are quite due to distance. There are so many sounds around us, and so many of them are unique. I want to get a bunch of them, whenever I can, and blend them, mix them, create something with roots in nature. I don't know where I'll go from there. There are some artists that I would love to draw inspiration from. Perhaps I can use those sounds and modulate them with a synthesizer, and I could throw some piano in there as well.

I think animation would be a lot of fun too. I know absolutely nothing about animation. I know Blender exists, but I will definitely need a better computer before I can even hope of rendering animations. I think part of the fascination comes from video games. I would honestly love to involved with creating a video game. I could work for a game corporation, or I could find a small group and create our own game. The problem is that I am not the most visually artistic person. I understand music and sounds; they come naturally to me. Visual art, like painting, is a whole other thing that I am not adept with. Maybe I could learn more about the video game creation and design process and see if I like something. Videogames are just such a big part of my life; I think working on one, either my own or with a group, would be amazing.

As for the destroying part of changing, I am not too sure. I think that maybe I need to destroy a part of me, something that isn't sitting right or cooperating. There is the question of my relationship. The issue is that I go back and forth pretty often. I don't think about separating much, but I would be lying if it didn't cross my mind. I just want things to be different. I embrace struggle and adversity, but she resists it. I think the issue is that she doesn't want change. She wants comfort and stability, which is a very reasonable thing to want and ask for. I wish that she would want to challenge in her life, though. She fears it, repressess it, avoids it until it's too much to handle. I think she is slowly growing though. She is forced to struggle, just like we all are, and I think she is beginning to understand that.

I'm tapped out now. I wanted to write much more content with a thorough analysis, but I am at work so my concentration is often broken throughout writing.