Words Spoken Too Late

I see all of these well-spoken people exposing their churches on Twitter & TikTok, and I wish so badly I could be one of them.
The issue is, I’m too angry to be well-spoken right now, and I’m afraid that will cheapen my words.

I’m mad that the best year of my life turned out to be a sham.
It went from being the year I was most proud of myself, to the year that I know I will look back on, and hold against myself forever.
It went from the year in which I thought I had found redemption, to the year that I cemented that that very same redemption is something I know I will never deserve.
It went from the year of my healing, to the year that I realized that my happiness and peace came at a cost;
it caused their trauma, their misery, their brokenness;
and I can’t take it back.

I’m mad that I’m blaming myself more than I blame the man— the director and youth pastor— who started it all;
the multitude of pastors that turned blind eyes;
the leadership that silenced my class and my brothers;
the parts of the congregation, and families that chose sides;
the church staff that slandered the victims on social media when they finally spoke up & tried to fight back—
only ever caring about how much money they’d have to shell out in lawsuits.

I am so fucking angry that this didn’t happen a week ago, a month ago, even 6 months ago;
This happened 4 years ago;
And I’m just writing about it now.

Honestly, I think that’s what I’m angry with myself for most of all.