Puke

I keep them all at a distance
Don't let them into my existence
Protect myself from being hurt
Because I just keep getting burnt
Again and again
Its always the same
Everytime I trust someone
It falls apart, it comes undone
And I am left
To burn alone
And wear my scars
Without a home

And I no longer
Feel a thing
You took my life
With that fucking ring
I hated your guts
I let you know
Over and over
Told you to go
But you wouldn't listen
To a word I said
Didn't clue in
When I ignored you in bed
Wouldn't let you touch me
Ran from your embrace
If I had some mace
Would've shot you in the face
Cause you wouldn't give me space
Tried to put me in my place
By tormenting me with words

Always telling me how you would talk real slow so my little pea brain could understand what you were trying to shovel into me and make me believe
The lies you fucking constantly fed to me
The fucking words you put in my mouth that I never even said
You never bothered to listen to a fucking word I said
Always just waiting for your turn to speak
Always talking without listening and doing without thinking
Always about you and your fucking needs
So I left my body while you did your deeds
I withered away, you filled up with greed

I wasn't important so I shut down my emotions
Kept up the facade and acted with dévotion
You thought you could buy my fucking affections
Kept forcing me to buy shit, but all that was deflection
Always tellin' everyone how you took such good care of me
Like I was a fragile fucking creature that didn't know how to be
Alluded that I couldn't handle my own shit
But that's all a lie and you fuckin know it

Constantly overshadowed me
Constantly talked over me
You put on a show and pretend to be kind
But you never let me or anyone speak their mind
Wouldn't let me talk to others unless you were around
Couldn't finish my sentences, couldn't make a damn sound
You just kept talking for me, putting words in my mouth
Like you had some insider info 'bout my brain and my life
But you just used what I told you and created strife

You thought it was funny to repeat the threats from my ex
Like how if he couldn't have me then no one else could
You would say that to me, then laugh at your own joke
But it was never funny you stupid motherfucker!
You just laughed at my pain. Made fun of my experience
Felt nothing when I told you about getting my ass kicked
It was just ammo, fodder you could use against me
To hurt me, make me feel like I was a piece of shit
Who deserved it all, so why not give me another kick
But I never deserved any of it! Not even a tiny fuckin bit.

I went out of my fucking way to be kind and nice to every other human I ever encountered in my fucking life, even the ones who treated me like absolute dirt, even the ones who kicked me around like I was just some fucking trash bag, like you did, like all my fucking exes ever did. You all treated me like fucking garbage and all I ever did was go out of my way to do special shit, do whatever fucking pleased you. I did almost anything I was ever asked to do. One of you fuckers even got me to kiss your fucking shoe.

I worked my ass off while you fuckers sat around doing jack fuckin shit. I cooked and I cleaned. I was your counselors, your lovers, and even your mothers. And what the fuck did I get in return? Not a fucking thing 'cept some stupid diamond ring. I just kept hoping for some fucking kindness in return, or at least to not get the shit beat out of me: physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically.
And maybe some part of me thought I deserved the abuse. I just wasn't good enough, or at least, that's what I told myself as an excuse.

Your behaviour was warranted because I didn't measure up to your standard. So I kept trying to be better. To do better. To be perfect. But it never mattered how hard I tried, it was never enough. And I kept just getting hurt over and over and over again. And it just became something I expected to happen. That was all I deserved because I wasn't good enough to have anything better. I was never good enough to deserve to be treated better. I wasn't nice enough. I just was never enough. Never pretty enough, never skinny enough, never anything enough, but also too outspoken, and too opinionated, and I shouldn't let anyone know I have a brain.

So I am no longer sure how to
Feel anymore because I keep being
Stripped of my layers of protection
And deprived of worth as you
Shatter my self confidence
Like it's just another piece
Of insignificant chattel
Meant to be used and abused and sold
My only value lies in what I can do
For others in need of services
Its all a crumble
A jumble
A meaningless existence without value
Waiting to be shocked by the pain
To remind me that I am still alive

So lock me away in this room in this cage
It doesn't make a difference to me
What you do to me
Or what you think of me
Because I am empty inside
And void of emotion
Just a walking shell
A talking doll
Pretending that she lives with a purpose
But inside she has a fire that still burns
But no one sees it she tries to hide it from the world
To not draw any attention to herself
Because that is what she was taught
And that is what was reinforced
Over and over again throughout her life
So she no longer questions it
When she hurts
Because the pain is familiar
And it's the one constant
That she has known to remind her
Who she is
And where she comes from
Maybe that's all that matters