Behind the curtain

My life has changed immensely since the last time I was on this forum. I am currently in the process of divorcing. Through this process I knew certain truths of my life that I decided to be in denial about however since being alone and moved out and having time to really reflect on things alone I've come to see that things were worse than I thought. I was really conditioned to believe that my life was great and everything was ok and if I didn't think it was good then something was wrong with me. I like to compare my position to someone with Stockholm syndrome in the aspect of me always making excuses for my captor and painting such a good picture. However the longer I'm away the more I realize just how narcissistic my ex really was and wonder how the hell I managed 15 years. During this separation, my exes choices have only affirmed my decision in going through with the divorce. Sadly, I never wanted one to begin with but I was always paying for a mistake I made 7 years ago and when I wanted things to change, that was thrown in my face and was told they did not want to change and will not change so I had to do whatever I had to do. It hurt but since we had kids, I did not take well to that threat so I was the one to file. Although I filed, I still felt that my ex was the one divorcing me since there was no effort to work on things anymore. They had a new person moved in the house in a month that was way younger but was a complete mess. Come to find out they had an abusive ex that did heroin and a baby they didn't even want or hardly took care of. Of course that bothered me and I'm still getting over them but I'm remaining strong for the kids because I don't know this person I used to be married to anymore.

I'm now dating someone who I consider much older than me (15 years). I honestly wasn't even physically attracted to them right away but I have never met a more caring, thoughtful and genuine person. I'm praying this works out.

I still pray for my ex too because I believe in God and "What would Jesus do?" right? I pray that my ex will become a better person for the kids.