Enough?

Enough?

I heard you say, and I repeat
“she is not all that”
The quotations trying to cage the gravity
This is me trying to lessen the impact
This- is – me trying – tell my heart- it’s ok
It was not
When your boys laughed,
seats tagged as their heads flipped backward
All indications that I was the joke

Standing there
‘I can’t cry,’ I sang the mantra
‘I will not cry, I repeated
So much so that my words could hatch a ground
But my heart was crumbling
The webs trapping my feet

How was I not enough
I wore what they all wear
Shaded the lips
The deep red, your favorite color
You said,
Well, at least not directly to me
She wore it yesterday, I could see the longing

Here I am, look at me. I begged from within
Your eyes raised towards me
Not how I wanted but you did
Just not a word

The first tear rolled out
An open gate for more to roll
Head buried in my pillow
I blamed every insufficiency on me

Blamed my skin color
Blamed my size
Oh, I even blamed my parents
Just a bold statement to justify not being wanted

Wasn’t the last tear
More came; I guess I just chose
I chose the worth of my tears