Help me I wanna sleep

I'm lost and I don't know why. I'm self destructive and fighting the self harm. I don't tell my family because they don't understand and I put on a smile so they won't see, that all I want is to die. I can't let me daughter know her mom is doesn't want to be here, I put on that smile so she never finds out. I talk to my friends and they say ok, oh don't do it, but then they're not there anymore. I'm the friend who is there when you're going through it, the suicidal thoughts, the hurt and pain. The one who helps everyone else, but who neglects herself. Who's there to help me? I feel alone, so I sleep with with people, I slice my skin, I stop eating, I put up the walls. I don't want to feel anymore, I tired, I just wanna close my eyes and only see darkness. Finally the pain will go away.