The Book of You

The question...................Why didn't you come to me first? Sometimes the answer is easy and sometimes the answer doesn't arrive until you are ready to hear it. Going off my very vague poem.....lets start from the beginning. When you are young you never know how your life will turn out. You think you are with "the one" and you might just be. Feelings are a weird fickle thing. So many questions. Have you ever looked back and asked why to pretty much everything? I have. But in my defense, my life has been the definition of being in most worlds at the same time. Maybe this is what its like to feel "sick".

When I got to his door he asked if I knew who I was. I didn't. I said yes and that was a lie. I had not a fucking clue who I was. Who did he think I was. Up to this point I was just Aileen. The person, the girl. No one in particular. I was a nobody. Yet in my soul, I knew that was wrong as well. I sat down. He sat down. The room was golden, The wind swirled and I felt a push and then....... the best kiss. Everything was right and wrong at the same time. And of course everything happens for a reason right? To this day I ask what happened to me. But if I wouldn't have gone through all that i'm about to tell you, I wouldn't have 2 wonderful kids and a loving husband.

I ran to my boyfriends. I felt completely guilty and told him where I had been. He stroked my hair and asked....Why didn't you come to me first? And that is when I flipped upside down. Again not knowing who I was or what I was doing here. I feel like my brain has erased what and who I am. These 2 questions from these men have haunted me my entire life. 1. Do you know who you are? 2. Why didn't you come to me first? Did you ever stop to think that everyone has a different you in their heads? Did you meet up with any of those past you's? did they really know you? I'd say i'm writing this for myself but i'm really writing for my sons. My life was not easy but I did it so you could be here and know that you are loved to the moon and back.

So here I am. tied to 2 different worlds or more. Where am I really? When you are between worlds the system is off. The best way to describe it is worlds on top of each other. Stacked. And having to differentiate between was a bitch. I was on my own. Have you ever thought what hell was like? Maybe this was it. Upside down. The first time you go thru it is very scary. But time and time and time and a half is crazy adventurous. Hopefully no one else has to do it. God doesn't give you what you cant handle right? Well I guess this was my "gift". To get through all the tough stuff.