A Life Well Lived

It's always interesting to come back to thoughts after some time away. I know that this is not a blogging forum... not a place to simply type thoughts to let out into the ether, but still. It is interesting. All thoughts and stories have a time and place and it is interesting to see what has changed, or hasn't, with the passage of time.

As we get older, our perceptions change. Our perceptions of self and our perceptions of others.

What do we really expect of the people around us and what do we expect of ourselves. How much blame do we place one way or the other for the choices we make or the paths our lives take?

I have reached an interesting crossroads in my life. I am now in my early thirties. This is a time in my life where, had you asked me at the age of 16, 18, 21, 25 or even 29 I would have said that I saw myself as married, with 2 kids. Isn't that the pre-set expectation for most women across the world (east or west)?

Yet hear I stand, 32, no children. Unmarried but in a long-term (turbulent) relationship. I am a well paid professional which probably feeds in part into the turbulence of my relationship. And it is truly this oxymoron that makes me so sad: my partner does not want children. If you read my historic material (and take it for what it is: the rantings of someone in their late teens/ early 20s) you will understand his difficult upbringing and emotionally distance as a result. But I have always had the image of myself, as a woman with the energy remaining to deal with children or teenagers, in my life at some point.

As a couple, we actually make a good team in anything we decide to tackle together. There is a certain level of understanding that I think only really arises when you have grown up together. This is something that the older married contingent may be able to attest to (or may disagree with all together).

But still, he refuses to be flexible in any element of the "corporate" world and all that brings: networking, socialising, hanging out with the lads... this is an element of which he is deeply suspicious; and to a certain extent I see why. So am I. I try to be very careful not to be lured into the seedy underside that lurks just beneath this culture, but however you wish to spin it, it is truly impossible to progress in the professional world (for men or women) without entering this world.

Which brings about the all important question of trust. Can a relationship truly survive, and thrive, without trust. I think this becomes even harder where there are no children involved as there is then no obvious tied or bind between people.

And if we are to remain together, without children, is there truly a path where it is acceptable to be together, with no children and without seeking progression?! Society says no.

Surely the point of a life well lived is to always maintain goals, dreams, and to strive to achieve them. If not, you are merely breathing but not truly living. At it's peak, life is to be lived to leave the world a better place than you found it, however small that may be.

If not, where does that leave you?

At this point, it may help to elaborate on my career of choice: I am a solicitor who deals in private affairs. This includes tax planning and preparing Wills but, probably most interestingly for me, assisting with probate matters after death or with elderly clients who have lost capacity. I know a lot of people who find this grim and morbid but, honestly, I find it fascinating to see someone's legacy. To see the impression they have left behind, usually after they are no longer able to influence or change it.

And it does bring into focus my own legacy. What will people think of me after I am gone? Currently, the real question this raises is: "who will care?" What is my impact? Beyond my immediate family, the answer is very little.

This isn't because I lack passion but, much like a spent force, I have no inclination as to how to direct any of my thoughts or feelings. My energy seems to be spent by the end of the day after dealing with the daily grind, other people's drama and then coming home to my own drama and distrust.

Where does this leave me? How do I achieve a life well lived without cutting all ties with the life I know?

I feel like this is not only my question, but the question of a generation and one I truly hope we come to answer as it would lead to so much good in the world.