When Life Gives You Balls...

Kaitlynn exhausted herself spiritually, mentally, and physically. To put it simply, she was DONE! Done with the abuse. Done with the people who could not look her in the eye when she walked into a room. Done with the lies and the empty promises. How could she have been so naïve? She looked up to Sammy, she always had, but for her to think she was so super fly he would not treat her like any other woman he had encountered over the years was asinine. Kaitlynn was young, beautiful, and full of life. She had 3 beautiful children. “I will not become another Alabama backwoods statistic,” she silently fumed. Fuck that shit! I am a nurse, for crying out loud. This ole gal does not need him or the shit that he brings with him. This sideshow is over.

The most embarrassing detail of the Sam and Kaitlynn show was this was not the first time she had been the clown. You know, the girl everyone laughed and discussed behind your back? This time, she was handling things differently. Young, beautiful, intelligent, and witty, Kaitlynn was a nurse and a damn good one. Her family alerted of her plans along with close friends. The show was over.

Samuel knew nothing of her secret bank account. She had her monthly weed stashed. She figured her weed into her financial budget. It was a need, not a want. Kaitlynn could not wait till she could puff all her troubles away, but her zen moments were on the back burner until she found a new job. She had a back-up plan, even back-up bags for herself and her children stashed in her car trunk for quick getaways. You never knew when the bald fucker went going to crack a nut and turn crazy. The situation was tricky because he terrified everyone. No one wanted to have any dealings with him out of fear. Kaitlynn did not take his shit. She fought back.

Seven years, she fed into his every word. He had told her he was only with his live-in because she would not leave and he had put thousands of dollars into their home. He wanted half or all. As soon as they settled this matter in court, Kait and Sam would be a family. Samuel had told Kait they did not even share a bedroom, so imagine her surprise when she caught Sam and his head bitch both out of town. Kaitlynn had herself way too much moonshine and broke into their home. She was on a mission to find a vibrator. Kait heard that “the wicked witch” had one. Why was she wanting to find it so bad?

I will tell you why vibrators are like porn. What kind you have and what kind of porn you watch tell a great deal about the type of person you are and your kinks. Kait was far from a criminal, but she kicked Sam’s back door in like a champ and entered their home on a mission. She was 26 years old, had her whole life ahead of her. Why she gave a rat’s ass anymore was ludicrous to even her. She had to see for herself. They shared a bedroom. The other woman’s house shoes were under their bed. Her clothes were in the huge walk-in closet.

Just a regular old vibrator with regular old porn in a drawer. Kaitlynn was very careful not to disturb anything. That was not her intent. Suddenly, anger washed over her entire body. THEY HAD A HOTTUB. She and his child, along with her two other children, lived in a trailer. She filled the hot tub up, strategically placed wine bottles and glasses around the tub. “YES,” said Kait remembering her friend’s enormous bra she had left in her car. She ran outside to retrieve the bra, hanging it over the side of the tub. She wanted him to know she was there.

Kait, partially satisfied with the scene she had created in the hot tub room but always the extremist found the house phone. She called Sam’s cell from his home phone to let the lying S.O.B. know to come pick up his wife’s vibrator and house shoes from Kaitlynn’s grandmother’s house. Kait locked the backdoor behind her, feeling glorious satisfaction. Mission accomplished.

Seven years later, she was excited about her career, her children, her own future, and she was slowly but surely getting on her feet. She continued to have major issues with Samuel, but he would give up one day. She was on her own, free, and not having to put up with his lies and abuse. It had been 6 months since she had seen him. Headed home to change clothes after taking the kids for a swim, she pulled into her yard. There he was. He pulled into the other side of the yard and began walking towards her with that damn smile of his. As she gazed at his smiling face, thinking of the good times, Kaitlynn snapped back into reality. “You son of a bitch,” she said to herself. “I refuse to go through this with you anymore,” Kait threw the car in drive and punched the accelerator to the floor. That bald headed bastard made the loudest thud ever! Her grandmother’s car was enormous and Kait was a tiny human. She slowly leaned towards the steering wheel so she could see if she was on top of him. As their eyes met, Sam was attempting to get back on his feet. He knew what she was going to do, and she knew what he was going to do. He would kill her if he got hold of her. So she hit him again! Totally ignoring those fine women coming out of the First Baptist Church of Larkinsville dressed in their Sunday best, she did not care. The second time was a must!

This time, she clipped his hips with her car and his legs flew behind him like superman. He was on the hood of her car. Kaitlynn never let off the gas. She took him on a ride straight from hell. She was going to take him up the mountain to his lovely woman and sling his ass off in their beautiful yard. Kait flew up the mountain with a vengeance. Samuel was holding on for his life on the hood of her car. Kaitlynn became concerned because he was attempting to reach into his pocket. “Was it a gun he was straining for?” she wondered. Kait slid the car sideways to turn on another road, but that bald-headed bastard held on tight. He knew exactly where she was taking him. At the last minute, she changed coursed and came back down the other side of the mountain still trying to fling him off of the hood. As she entered back into her little hometown of Larkinsville, she never let up on her speed as she hit the railroad tracks. “Holy shit, this was so DUKES OF HAZZARD,” she thought to herself. Kait had no clue the car would become airborne like it did. Kaitlynn laughed wildly, wishing she had the Duke boy’s horn! From the air, she could not see what was on the other side of those tracks. This was so Bo and Luke Duke.

“Holy shit,” she screamed.

Suddenly, as she landed, she could see a car in her path and she was about to hit them head on. She swerved, held her breath, cussed a little more, braked, and closed her eyes.
Old Sammy boy launched from the hood then! Kaitlynn realized he had been reaching for his phone. “I’m going to have you arrested for attempted murder,” he screamed at Kaitlynn. She picked up her own phone, called the police and reported him for domestic violence. It was a straight lie, but it was better than an attempted murder charge. Kaitlynn was smart enough to know the police could not charge her with attempted murder if Samuel had charges so she beat him to the punch. She would later drop the domestic violence charge.

One thing was for certain, she never had a problem out of Samuel ever again, and he always paid his child support on time. Sometimes, this life requires you to grow some balls and handle your business.

When life gives you balls, use them.